Biblical Marriage: Husbands

Good morning, turn with me in your Bibles to Colossians chapter 3. We find ourselves continuing in the household codes here this morning. We have pulled the car over, so to speak, and gotten out to take a little more time to flesh out in more detail what a Biblical marriage looks like. We looked at what a Biblical marriage is and how it ultimately serves as a picture of the gospel with Christ and his bride the church. Last time we looked at wives. This week we’ll focus our attention this morning on husbands and their role in marriage.

I want to start out by stressing the importance of this topic. If we want to build a healthy church, we must have healthy marriages, and if we strive to have healthy marriages, we must have healthy men.

Normally, when we are preaching through a text of scripture, it is most often wise to stay as close to that text as possible and not jump all over the place and I do attempt to do that. One of the reasons for that is because it can be very dangerous to pull verses out of context in order to prove a point. Ideally, we would make our arguments for that text, from that text. There are times, however, to do a topical series or to do what we’re doing, and take a close look under the hood at a specific topic or doctrine to see what the whole of God’s word says about a subject You as the listener, need to pay extra close attention when this happens though to ensure that what I say is accurate.

With that being said we are going to look at a few different passages this morning and I pray, we can glean a deeper insight into what Paul is saying here as well as we see some of the ways in which God has called us to be godly husbands

Have you wondered why Paul puts instructions on the home and other relationships here? We can perhaps assume this is how things are and Paul is just looking to affirm what is already understood.

The reality is, however, that Paul is actually transforming the way in which this culture would view marriage. When Paul mentions the submission of wives here, there is a level of understanding that is status quo there. Women were expected to submit to their husbands. In fact, some commentators have said that this was a transformative role for wives because it didn’t say “obey” but “submit yourselves”. What comes for husbands though flies in the face of the cultural understanding of husbands.

It tells husbands to love their wives. What one would expect at this time is for the instruction to be husbands, rule over your wives. Paul here, transforms the cultural understanding of roles by instructing the one with authority to use that for the benefit of the one under their authority. Where the world looks to use those under their authority for their interests, the Bible tells those with authority to use it for the interests of those under their authority

NEED MORE

I want us to look at 3 calls of the Christian husband.

The call to lead

The call to learn

The call to love

First, the call to lead

We’re going to head to Genesis in just one moment to look at this in a little more detail but we can even see this reality in our shorter text here in Colossians. We can see that by looking not at verse 19 on husbands but by actually looking at the necessary implications of verse 18 speaking to wives. The command for wives is to submit to their husbands. To literally arrange or place themselves under the authority of their husbands. Meaning, that the husband, who is the one a wife places herself under and submits to, is the one who is called to be the leader and have the authority.

If perhaps you’re not convinced, we can see this more clearly in a variety of places but I want us to see not only the clarity of a husbands call to lead, but the gravity of it

Go ahead and turn with me to Genesis. As we did in the prior weeks, we are going to look at the first marriage and see this week if we can get some insight into a husband's role in marriage.

We won’t spend time in chapter 2 as we have done in the previous weeks but will focus our attention on the fall, of all things.

By way of recap, you’ll recall that in chapter 2 God sees that there is not a helper fit for adam and so he makes Eve from the rib of Adam and hands her off to him in the first marriage. Adam breaks out into song over the wonder and beauty of his new wife and all is great in Eden.

In fact, the last words of Chapter 2 are the man and his wife were both naked and not ashamed

It does not take long, however, before we see things fall apart

In Chapter 3 the serpent shows up and begins to deceive the woman.

He says in verse 1 “Did God actually say dont eat of any tree…” What is really interesting to note is God issues this command in chapter 2 BEFORE he creates Eve. Sure, we don’t know for sure if God repeated himself to Eve later but it appears that there was an expectation of the leader (Adam) to communicate what God had said to him with his wife.

We’ll see this more clearly in just a moment

It appears that Adam at least checked that box as Eve corrects the serpents twisting of Gods word and recounts it accurately to him that it is only one specific tree.

The conversation continues and eventually Eve is enticed by the fruit and takes it and eats it…

Now the question we ought to be asking ourselves is “Where is Adam”? Where is her husband? Where is the one who is supposed to protect her and fight off those who would try and harm her? Where is this man? Surely he must be out tending the garden, fetching water from the tigris. He’s unaware of what is going to happen here…

Except what we see is that Adam was right there…

“She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate”

Adam had not only failed to lead his wife, he completely abnegated his role as head of his household and partook in this same endeavor

Husband, is this you? Have you denied the responsibility God has called you to. Do you sit back idol and allow the serpent to slither all throughout your home undisturbed. Do you give quarter to the snake and allow him whisper to your wife?

In case you think I’m stretching to hold Adam responsible, let’s continue reading the text (READ TO VERSE 9) …

Verse 9 “But the LORD God called to THE MAN”

God holds the man accountable for the his household. That is not to say that women are stupid and are unable to defend themselves or cant help themselves or anything like that. Eve is held accountable for her sin. Adam also ate of the fruit and was guilty of the same sin.

But God comes looking for the man because of the sovereign divinely appointed role that he has been called to.

I take the time to flesh this out because I need us men to see how serious and weighty of a topic that this is. We will give an account for our households and I need to make sure that we all understand that.

So make sure you are leading your wife

What does leading look like?

That’s a great question. One that Jesus answers so clearly for us in the gospels. You don’t have to turn there but I want you to hear how Jesus tells his disciples to lead.

James and John are wanting Jesus to grant them a seat at his right and left hand in glory and Jesus basically tells them no and the others get mad at James and John so Jesus gets them all together and says this

Mark 10:42–45 “And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.””

In Jesus we see the command and example of leadership is to lead by serving

Let me give you two words that you can remember for how you can be a servant leader to your wife

Provision & Protection

Now when hear those words our minds go immediately to the physical

“Well I provide for my wife and family. I go to work and I work hard and I save and have a home… and of course I protect. Someone comes into my home to harm my family and there going to have to get through me and a 12 gauge"

And both of those things are absolutely good and right and necessary.

The bible says that one who does not work to provide for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

And you better be the one who goes hunting when you hear a bump in the night.

But Provision & Protection go far beyond just the physical. Most of us are probably doing alright there.

What about the spiritual?

Are you providing for your wife spiritually? Do you talk to her about her spiritual wellbeing? Do you pray with and for her? Do you speak truth into her life?

Are you protecting her from spiritual dangers? Is your head on a swivel for the roaring lion who seeks to devour or is your head buried in the sand? Do you take the lead on spiritual issues or have you delegated your responsibility?

I think the devil is just fine with a husband who only provides and protects physically, which is why even the unbelieving world does that.

Men, God is going to call our names to give an account for the ways in which we lead our wives by serving them yes physically but also mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

TRANSITION

You are the shepherd of your home

The next call I want us to look at is the call for husbands to learn

Turn with me to 1 Peter 3

Peter addresses wives and husbands here and we looked at this passage last time when we looked at wives but I want us to look at verse 7.

Peter tells husbands to live with their wives in an “understanding way”. The greek is literally rendered, “according to knowledge”. Meaning, there is a biblical command to know your wife. Not know women, not know wives, but to know your wife.

The exercise of knowing your wife isn’t a newlywed activity that you hurry up and get done during the honeymoon phase and then move past it. The exercise of knowing your wife is a muscle you must flex for the duration of your marriage.

Do you know why that is? One of the reasons is because your wife is going to change. The woman you married 10 or 20 or 30 years ago is not the same woman today. We aren't static people and your wife is no exception to that rule.

Continue to learn her. Learn what her joys and dreams and sorrows and struggles are at every stage of life. Know where she wants you to grow and change. Know her preferences, tastes, likes and dislikes.

I challenge you men, go home today and ask your wife how you can love her better. How can you be a better husband for you.

Imagine if all of what you learned in the first year of your professional career was all you could ever know about your trade. Imagine if doctors and lawyers and accountants and engineers never continued to hone their craft and continue education. They would fail. and we would suffer for it.

So it is for men who quit learning their wives. Not only do they fail but their wives and families suffer for it.

What is far more important than your professional career is your marriage and yet some people treat it like they’ve mastered their spouse in the early years of their marriage.

Make it your mission to study your bride for the rest of your marriage

One of the reasons we do this, the text tells us, is to make sure you show her honor. This word honor has to due with value & respect.

As the weaker vessel doesn’t mean that they are less than. In fact the text continues by saying “since they are heirs with you…” literally rendered “joint-heirs” or “co-heirs”. Peter most likely is referring to the natural biological reality that men are generally stronger than women and therefore may be tempted to use their strength to abuse women rather than protect them and honor them.

Now this next part is why I chose to put “the call to learn” as its own section. You may have thought to yourself, “hmmm.. I get leading and I get loving, but learning?? I mean sure thats an element of a husbands role but why focus on that one?”

Great question. The answer is the end of this verse.

“So that your prayers may not be hindered”

This is a serious warning to husbands who are not living with their wives in an understanding way or showing them honor as co-heirs.

God does not gloss over the ways husbands mistreat his daughters and a warning to not hear the prayers of a man who does ought to show us the seriousness of this call on our lives.

You might be wearing out your knees asking for revival, begging for healing, pleading for comfort and yet the Bible says your prayers are falling on deaf ears.

“No Christian husband should presume to think that any spiritual good will be accomplished by his life without an effective ministry of prayer. And no husband may expect an effective prayer life unless he lives with his wife ‘in an understanding way, bestowing honour’ on her.” - Wayne Grudem

But there is good news men. There is a prayer that will always be heard and is the sweet sound of repentance. You may find yourself in your seat right now convicted of the way in which you have lived with your wife not in an understanding way, not in a way that shows her honor.

Can I tell you that that sin is one that requires death, but brothers can I tell you that one has already died for it.

Call out to God in humble repentance. Confess your sin to him and be forgiven of it. Confess to your wife and be reconciled to her and then boldly approach your fathers throne

Our final call today for husbands is the call to love.

Back to Colossians 3

This is the call that we see in Colossians to husbands. Love your wives. What is interesting is Paul contrasts this with perhaps a temptation of husbands which is to be harsh with them. You could translate that word as bitter.

So Paul is saying “love them and DONT be bitter toward them. Dont be harsh toward them”

We’ll look at love in more detail here but I want us to consider this negative warning Paul issues here to husbands. Don’t be bitter. Don’t be harsh.

Why is it that a husband would grow bitter toward his wife? Certainly there are many reasons why one could grow bitter but I think given the context here, Paul is drawing our attention specifically toward bitterness as it relates to roles.

Perhaps you’ve had a wife who has taken your role as head of the house. Perhaps you have been living with a wife who refuses to submit your leadership. Who does not show you respect. Who treats you like a child rather than a leader.

And you’ve grown bitter… You’ve grown harsh.

And harsh doesn't always look like snapping at her or yelling at her or the traditional things that come to mind when we think of harshness. Harshness can manifest itself as silence. As isolation. As retreat.

I think we see this exact thing from Adam in the garden when God comes looking for him…

He says, “It was the woman you gave me…”

“God it wasn't me! God I want to be a leader but she won’t let me! God she wont submit to me! God she wont respect me! God its HER fault not mine!”

And maybe there is truth behind all of that. But God says “Son, love her” “Son, dont be harsh. Dont grow bitter” “love her”

Bitterness is dangerous men. If you’ve found that you have grown bitter toward your wife you need to confess that to the lord and work to reconcile with your wife. There is some unresolved conflict and unforgiveness that needs to be addressed. Don’t let bitterness stew in your marriage

Bitterness is poison you drink

Let’s turn our attention to the positive side of this command which is love. Husbands love your wives

To get some more clarity on this one we’ll turn our attention to Eph 5

Eph 5:25-33

This is the same calling that we see in Colossians, just with significantly more detail as to what that looks like for us. Praise God that we get to live in a time where we have the revelation of Gods word delivered to us.

I want us to see a couple of things in this text. I want us to see Jesus as our example and Jesus as our hope

First let’s look to our example

Love your wives as Christ loves the church.

Husbands, don’t miss the significance of that statement. Yes, it is true that Paul is not saying we are Jesus or anything like that but rather in this picture of the Gospel we play the role of Christ in our marriages.

The call for a husband is to love like Christ loved his bride, the church.

And so, looking at Jesus as our example, I want us to see a few different principles we can adopt love our brides.

First, I want you to see that this love is a sacrificial love

Do you see that in the text? “As Christ loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF UP for her”

God demonstrates his love for his by laying down his live for them. God did not need us. He was not lacking or somehow dependent on us. It was not that without us he would not be complete. No, God was lacking nothing outside of himself and yet out of a unfathomable love for us, Jesus leaves the glories of heaven and comes down into this sin soaked cosmos to suffer and die. To sacrifice himself as the penalty for the sins of his people. Love

I think of John 3:16. The most famous verse in all of the Bible

God so loved the world that what… That he gave his son. Not gave like sent him to be a guest at your next dinner party and entertain your guests. No, gave him like walked him up a mountain and laid him down on the altar as a sacrifice.

How do you know that God loves you? Look to the blood stained cross

To love your wife is to give yourself up for her. To sacrifice for her.

And yes, there is an aspect to being willing to die for your wife. “I’d take a bullet for her” But let me ask you perhaps a harder question…

Are you willing to live for her?

Dying for her happens in a moment but living for her takes all of your life.

Jesus’ death only counts because his life counted. Meaning, he needed to live a perfect life in order to be the perfect sacrifice. He was tempted as are and yet remained sinless. Christ’s love fueled his perfect obedience so that his death would be sufficient

So husbands, give yourself up for your wife, but not just in taking a bullet. Give yourself up for her with your life. Sacrifice your wants and your desire and your dreams for her wants, her desires, her dreams.

The ironic part of a healthy Godly marriage, is that although a wife is called to submit to her husband's desires, her husband will most often sacrifice his desires for hers.

Husband, sacrifice your life for your bride, like christ has done for us.

Second, I want us to see that this love is purposeful.

Vs 26 That he might Sanctify her..

Vs 27 that he might present her…

vs 27 that she might be holy and without blemish…

Jesus loves his bride and gives himself up for her with the end goal in mind. From eternity past God set his love on a people and sent his son to die in order to redeem those people to himself. Jesus loves his bride purposefully

So what does that mean for us? It means we ought to look to heavenly realities not just for ourselves but for our wives.

A question we should ask ourselves is how am I helping my wife look more like Jesus. How am I helping her fix her eyes upon Christ. How am I helping her renew her mind? How am I helping her be transformed by one degree of glory to the next. Think about your wife’s finish line and help her lay aside every weight and sin and run forward looking Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith.

Husband, will your wife look more like Jesus when he calls her home for having been married to you?

Thirdly, this love is affectionate

Verse 29 - No one ever hated his own flesh but nourished it and cherishes it

You need to understand that Jesus does not die for his bride out of a cold sense of duty, but out of a warm affection and passion for her. He loves his bride.

Sometimes we can say things like or “love is a verb” or “love is an action”. While there is truth to the fact that love definitely includes and is demonstrated by actions. I fear we can sometimes reduce love to a formula.

Jesus doesn't view his bride like some project he committed to in eternity past and is not just fulfilling his prior obligations. No, Christ loves his bride. He cherishes his bride. He is affectionate toward his bride.

We see this in religion. People who do things for God but have no love for him. They desire Gods stuff but they do not desire him. We what because he first loved us?? We act because he first loved us… we pray because he first loves us… we work because he first loved us… NO we LOVE because he first loved us.

Likewise men, we ought to cherish our wives. Have affection for our wives. Love our wives like we love ourselves.

Now, before you tell me “Marcus, you don’t know my wife… This one’s not very lovable.”

Can I tell you something…

If you’re in Christ, God loved you when you weren’t very lovable.

In fact it was just the opposite… You we’re in rebellion against God. You did not want God. At least this woman chose to be with you at some point. Thats miles ahead of your relationship with God and yet he set his love on you IN SPITE of who you were, not because of who you were.

Romans 5:8 “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

So love you wife sacrificially, love her purposefully, love her affectionately

Before we look at Jesus as our hope, I want to make a suggestion to you… Don’t try and do this alone. Men, we are not called to walk through this life alone and we are not called to live out our marriages in isolation.

We need to lock arms with one another to help each other love our wives better.

I need men who will ask me how the state of my marriage is.

I need men who will ask me if I am growing bitter toward my wife.

I need men who will press me to continue to learn my wife

I need men who will speak into areas of my marriage that I am blind to

And so do you.

Men, if we want to strive to build a healthy church we must fight to have a healthy home.

Pastor Alex spoke on this in the men's conference and I want to reiterate it here. This idea of permission and invitation. Give men permission to speak into your marriage and your life and continue to invite them to speak into those areas.

Having seen Jesus as our example, Let us look finally this morning at Jesus as our hope.

If you’re anything like me, this sermon has beat me up a bit by showing me all the ways in which I fail as a husband. The goal of this is not to beat you down but rather to build you up. If you’re feeling conviction in this area of your life, good. Repent in the ways you’ve failed and ask for forgiveness and reconciliation where appropriate.

But the devil would love to have us stay wallowing in guilt and shame over our sin.

The reality is, left to ourselves we have no hope here.

But what we see in Jesus is not just an example, but, even better than that, we see our hope

Because in all the ways that you and I have failed, Jesus hasn’t

Where we have failed to lead our wives, to protect and provide, to shepherd and to serve, Christ hasn't failed to lead us

Where we have failed to learn our wives, to live with her in understanding. To know her struggles, to know her temptations to know her dreams. Christ hasnt. He knows all. He knows every hair on our heads. He knows every thought we’ve ever thought. he’s seen every tear thats streaked down our face. He knows all that is in our heart.

Where we have failed to love. He has loved perfectly. Where we have loved well, he has loved better. Where we have failed to pursue he has pursued us.

One final call here husbands. The call to look to Jesus. Look to the one who has loved us perfectly. Look to the one who has led us perfectly. Look to the one who knows us perfectly. Repent where you have failed men and find yourself lavished with his mercy and grace, and then let us go home and continue looking to Jesus as we strive love our wives as Christ has loved us.