Wise Friendships

When was the last time you felt truly known by someone?

Not just someone you text… Not just someone you sit next to at school or church… But someone who actually knows you—your struggles, your fears, your habits—and still chooses to stay.

For a lot of people, that question is uncomfortable because you know friendship is important…

But friendships can be challenging. We’ve all likely had friends who let us down… and if we’re honest, we’ve let down a few of our friends as well. We are all flawed… corrupted by sin. And we live in a world which has all sorts of sin-barriers to God-honoring friendships.

As adults, we have all sorts of reasons friendships are hard- we’re busy, we’re tired, our work schedules don’t align. Once you get married, you need married friends. And then not everyone sees eye to eye.

So, what happens is that we brush it off.. we pull away. We tell ourselves we don’t need anyone, but what really happens is that we go through life isolating ourselves and feeling lonely.

In fact, even with all the connectivity of the modern world, people are lonelier than ever. I don’t even need to cite a study on this- you likely know it and feel it in your own life. But,

Proverbs 18:1 NASB95

1 He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.

Pulling away or isolating, according to Solomon, is less than wise.

Kids sometimes demonstrate the God-ordained design of friendships- Have you ever known a kid who has imaginary friends? They long for that connection. And as adults, we too long for good friendships.

As we get older, it might seem more challenging to make friends- when we were kids, we were friends with whoever was in the sandbox with us.… we would be friends simply because we liked someone’s shoes or because they shared their toy dump truck with us. But, soon enough, we realize that there’s more to being a friend than having light-up sneakers.

I’m sure you can think of all sorts of things that we look for in friends - shared interests and values, similar life stage, and proximity to one another. But there’s more to friendship than convenience. In Proverbs, we learned that wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord—so wise friendships are ultimately friendships that move us toward God, not away from Him.

Our friendships are important, and we need to know what to look for in others, and to develop in ourselves. That’s exactly what Solomon demonstrates to us through the book of Proverbs.

As we go through this message, I want you to consider what your friendships reveal; what actions will you take to foster the friendships that God intended?

So if isolation isn’t the answer… and if we were created for friendship then here’s the reality we have to face:

Your friendships are already shaping you.

The question is not if your friends are influencing you, but how they are influencing you. And that’s where Proverbs starts.

Friends Shape One Another (13:20, 16:29, 14:7)

Friendship is not neutral. It’s formative. The people you walk with are shaping your thinking, your values, and your reactions.

Let’s look at some of Solomon’s wisdom on this:

Proverbs 13:20 NASB95

20 He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Proverbs 16:29 NASB95

29 A man of violence entices his neighbor And leads him in a way that is not good.

Proverbs 14:7 NASB95

7 Leave the presence of a fool, Or you will not discern words of knowledge.

Now, I know that some folks are more easily influenced than others. But even if you believe you are un-influenceable, the reality is that, over time, you are going to change. And that change will be in the likeness of those closest to you. That’s just one more reason that you should be engaged in the church beyond Sunday morning worship - plug in to a small group, spend time with men and women of God.

I heard it said that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. I don’t know if that’s scientific, but it certainly carries some weight because we all can see it in our own lives.

Now, the reality is that our social network is more vast than 5. So, we can’t just try to calculate the 5 people we spend the most time with and rank them in some sort of schedule so we are sure not to be impacted by others.

However, those closest will in fact be the most influential. So, let’s identify them: Who are the people you spend the most time with?

As Solomon stated in 13:20, this can either be positive or negative. If your closest friends are wise- they fear the Lord, they have good character, and they are responsible, then the chances are that you’ll shift toward their perspectives over time.

But be careful! This goes the other way as well.

Now, I want you to reflect a minute: Have you ever picked up phrases or habits or even attitudes from people you’re around all the time?

You talk different.

Maybe you are more negative or more cynical

Or Maybe you are eating differently

Here’s the point: You don’t just spend time with your friends, you become like them.

Now before we move on, let me ask you to consider the other side of the coin. Who are you influencing? And are you influencing them in wisdom or in folly?

Folks, it should be said of us that we, being followers of Jesus Christ, are godly influences on others. Our character, our integrity should be like a wave of His goodness in the lives of our friends. Our joy should rub off on them, our hope should be contagious, and our love should be overshadow the hate that our friends absorb from the world.

You see, God’s Word is instructional for us as we select and keep friends, but also as we become friends to others. Friendship, by God’s design, is intended to shape us. But influence is only a part of the equation.

You see, when it comes to God’s intent, we see that

Friends Sustain One Another (18:24, 17:17, 27:10)

To sustain means to keep or maintain over time. So, the friendships God intends for you and me are going to be friends who aren not just good influences, but friends who we can count on in the highs and lows.

Listen to Prov 18:24

Proverbs 18:24 NASB95

24 A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Solomon is emphasizing quality of relationship over quantity. A handful of good, godly friends who you can trust and count on are way better than a room full of shallow acquaintances.

This idea goes against today’s social media culture. We seem to find rewards in having hundreds of Facebook Friends and Twitter followers. We post pictures, funny memes, and other content hoping for “likes” and validation.

But, let’s be honest. How many of those internet friends will come to you when the cards are down?

We need to get the idea out of our head that popularity and quantity of so-called friends is better than a few close friends. The friendships God wants for you and me may mean that our friends are not the people with the most political clout or the most public sway.

ILL: I’ll tell you something I’ve noticed even among pastors. When I go to the annual meeting - be it NC Baptists or National SBC, there are quite a few pastors who clammer to get close to the popular pastors… and there are a few popular pastors who eat that kind of thing up.

The truth is we love being popular… we love feeling important or powerful.

But let me tell you, we can only have so many meaningful relationships. We are like Lego block- there’s only so many connectors until we run out.

What we need are sustaining friendships.

Friends who will reach out to us because they care, not because they want something.

Friends who listen to us when we need an ear; they don’t run away because we are messy.

Friends who don’t make plans and cancel every time because a better option came available.

Friends that will come to your side when all the world seems to abandon you.

Friends that will defend you publicly when others gossip.

Solomon says:

Proverbs 17:17 NASB95

17 A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.

Let me ask you: Do you have friends like that?

Are you a friend like that? Can you be counted on or do you run away when real needs arise?

You see, God’s wisdom for friendships is not just about what we should look for in others. It’s also God’s word to you and me that we, as followers of Jesus should embody His design. Solomon says that a friends loves at all times, Jesus said, John 15:13

John 15:13 NASB95

13 “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

That idea of laying down your life is the idea of choosing your friends’ needs over your own wants. It means laying down your selfish desires in order to be a true, sustaining friend. This can be summed up in the word loyal.

Loyal friends do not forsake you- they don’t hang you out to dry. They are by your side- choosing you over the promise of popularity, fame, money, etc. Look back to Prov 27:10

Proverbs 27:10 NASB95

10 Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, And do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity; Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother far away.

When it comes to sustaining friendships, Solomon reminds us that quality is greater than quantity.

Let me challenge you here: This week, invite someone into a deeper conversation… who knows?

So we all want friends like that, right?

Friends who stay.

Friends who show up.

Friends who love us no matter what.

But here’s the danger…

If that’s all a friendship is it can become comfortable… but not transformational.

Because a friend who is always there for you, but never challenges you will eventually leave you stuck. And God loves you too much for that.

Which means the friendships He designs don’t just shape you, and don’t just sustain you, They stretch you. Or said another way,

Friends Sharpen One Another (27:5-6; 17, 15:32)

I am sure you are already thinking of Prov 27:17

Proverbs 27:17 NASB95

17 Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.

Have you ever sharpened a metal object? Perhaps the image Solomon is getting at here is a sword or an axe. These are intended to be instruments for flourishing. One protects, the other builds. But what happens when you have a dull axe?

It takes more effort to chop down a tree, doesn’t it?

ILL: Every year, toward the end of Fall when I know I’m getting close to putting the mower up for the season, my blades are getting pretty dull. I know this because after cutting a swath of grass, I look back and see several sprigs still standing. Now, I can either ride back over that section again, or I can sharpen the blades.

Friends face this dilemma regularly- especially a friend who has been around you for a long time. They notice that you’re getting dull in spots- maybe you are not leading your family well or maybe you are too consumed with social media scrolling. Perhaps they simply recognize that your verbal testimony of being a Christ-follower is not cutting it when they examine your actual behavior.

It’s here that they must choose to either sharpen you or watch you struggle. But this sharpening, not unlike lawn mower blades, often creates some sparks. Hmm...Listen to Prov 27:5-6

Proverbs 27:5–6 NASB95

5 Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. 6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

You see, even though it takes necessary discomfort, the friendships God intended push us to grow more and more into the image of Christ. True friends will be more concerned with your growth than being comfortable because love is not affirming or celebrating all that you believe. It’s seeking God’s best for your life.

Before we go any further, let me just pause and lean into this for a minute. I recognize that it can be difficult to be on the receiving end of correction… some of y’all might even be disagreeing that this is a preferable friendship principle.

Friends, listen to me. You should understand this principle as one of accountability. And when someone holds us accountable, it’s not something they are doing ‘to us,’ it is something they are doing ‘for us.’ You see, accountability is the secret sauce to growth. And if you have friends who understand that you are on a path to becoming more like Jesus, then they will help you get there!

Look here to Prov 15:32

Proverbs 15:32 NASB95

32 He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding.

I believe that this is one reason the author of Hebrews said in Heb 10:24-25

Hebrews 10:24–25 NASB95

24 and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, 25 not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

Now, this is way more nuanced than we will get into this morning. Solomon lays out this principle, but I want to push it a bit so that you can think through this. Solomon is not saying that friends should try to be professional fixers of all your imperfections. And when we correct one another, it should be both in love and humility.

Remember Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:5 “5 “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

The purpose is to sharpen, not beat down. This isn’t about having an axe to grind with someone, it’s about sharpening their axe so they can flourish. It’s about being accountable and giving accountability.

So let’s bring this all together.

Wise friendships—God-honoring friendships—are not accidental. They are intentional.

They shape you.

They sustain you.

They sharpen you.

And here’s the question you need to wrestle with: Do your friendships reflect that kind of wisdom?

Not just: Do you have those friends…but are you being that friend?

Because it’s easy to sit here and think: “I wish I had better friends.” But God’s Word is pressing deeper: “Are you becoming the kind of friend others need?”

And if we’re honest, None of us does that perfectly.

But here’s the good news: When your life is rooted in the fear of the Lord- ultimately choosing friendship with God over the world, you’re no longer trying to earn these kinds of friends or demand this from others - You’re free to give it.

So now, let’s make this practical.

This week:

Look up - deepen your friendship with Jesus. Spend time in His word, connected in His church, and in communion through prayer.

Look around — identify who is shaping you. Ask hard questions about the influences you want and have.

Look inward — ask where you need to grow.. be honest. Who is God calling you to be?

Look outward - take one step toward being a better friend. Make a call- set up that lunch, be intentional with your time.

Because in a world full of shallow connections and growing isolation, God is calling His people to model something different. Something deeper. Something stronger. Something wiser.

Let’s be those kinds of friends. [PRAY]

Discuss: In what ways have you seen your friendships shape your attitudes, habits, or spiritual life?

Discuss: Why do you think it’s easy to prioritize having many friendships over building deep, faithful ones?

Discuss: How do you typically respond when a friend corrects or challenges you? Are you more likely to avoid hard conversations or lean into them? Why?