Faithful Family

Good morning, turn with me in your bibles to Colossians 3. We’ll be focusing our time this morning on verses 20 and 21. As you’ll recall, we are continuing looking at these household codes that Paul is instructing the Church at Colossae. We have spent the better part of the last month looking at Biblical marriage and the roles of both the husband and wife inside that covenant.

This morning, we’re staying inside the home, so to speak, but we will shift our attention from husband and wife to now looking at parents and children. It’s been said that the family is the building block of society, and while that is certainly true, the Bible places an even greater emphasis on the significance of the family.

If I were to ask you what the first commandment in the Bible is, you may blurt out 3 “You shall have no other gods before me.’(Ex 20:3&Deut 5:6-7). While that isn’t technically wrong as that is the first commandment in the ten commandments given to Moses on Sinai, it’s actually not the first commandment we see God give. When God creates humans in Genesis 1 he tells them to “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” Ge 1:27–28.

The first command given to Adam and Eve is for them to build their family and have children

Right from the get-go we see God’s emphasis on the family

This becomes even more apparent when we consider the family language that God uses throughout the scriptures. Not only do we see marriage language used of our relationship with Christ, but we see a heavy emphasis on familial language.

Over 250 times God is referred to as father.

We see Jesus as the son

Jesus as The only begotten son to show this unique, one-of-a-kind relationship of this son

Jesus as The firstborn son to show his unmatched supremacy and priority over all of the universe

Jesus as the beloved son to show the great affections for this righteous one

In Christ we see Jesus as our elder brother and that we have been adopted into the family of God. That we are now heirs of an inheritance that is owed only to one who is truly family. That we are now sons of God and we too can cry Abba father

The family is substantial in God’s eyes and it ought to be in ours as well

Now, if you’re not a child, or you’re past the stage of parenting young children, or you never had children, perhaps you saw the sermon title in the bulletin, read the verses, or realized as I began speaking that this sermon was on children and parents and perhaps you were tempted to check out.

“Well this doesn’t apply to me”

“Been there, done that”

“That ship has sailed”

I want to strongly encourage you to reject the idea that this sermon isn’t for you if you are not a child or don’t have any children in your home. I want to do that for a few reasons.

God’s word is important for all of us. We all ought to desire to know more of who God is and what his will is. That includes his will for children and parents

You were a child at some point with parents

You may have had children in your home at some point

You all know children and parents. And we are all called to sharpen one another, to teach one another, to admonish one another. Knowing what God says about these things is essential if you are going to endeavor to do that work

With that being said, let us look at our text this morning and see what God would have in store for us.

First, let's turn our attention to the instruction for children

We see clearly that the instruction of Paul to children is that of obedience. Children, obey your parents. Before we dive too deep into obedience and what that looks like, let’s define children and make a couple of brief observations.

Children, here is referring to children who are under the authority of their parents. These would be children who are still living in the home.

We know the Bible says that a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife. The man and the woman now come out from under the authority and care of their parents and begin a new family with a new order.

Perhaps this is news to some of you but you don’t have authority over your adult children. If you are trying to parent your children who are grown and gone, you are violating the Biblical pattern of family

Now that we’ve established this command is for children in the home, I want to make a second observation that God’s word is for children and adults alike. There is an expectation that parents read, teach, explain the scriptures to their children. I’ve heard people say that they are christians, they believe in Jesus, they read the bible, but they would never “force” that on their children. And by “force” they don’t mean like tie them to a chair and tape their eyelids open to watch sermons for 12 hours straight… by “force” they mean teach them that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, the life. That there is no other name under heaven by which man can be saved. That you cannot come to the father except through Christ. That the scriptures are true and profitable. That the man of God may be complete.

And while doing that, they believe that they have some sort of moral high ground because of so called openness and tolerance.

I could take the rest of our time to show you all the ways that not only is that wrong, it’s actually wicked. While I am tempted to, I won’t because we can see clearly here that God is making instructions to children in his word and we need to take that seriously.

God’s word is for Children and adults alike.

WHY OBEY PARENTS HERE??IF TIME

TRANSITION TO OBEY

The command for children is obey. The greek word for “obey” is similar to the greek word for “submit” in verse 18. The word for submit in verse 18 is ὑποτάσσω (hupatasso) tasso meaning place or arrange, and hupo meaning “under”. The word for obey here is ὑπακούω (hupakouo) Hupo, again, meaning “under” but akouo (where we get the word acoustics) means “to hear”. Literately this word means “to listen under”.

While our understanding of obey can be sort of cold and disconnected, the idea hear is that there is someone who is listening in order to follow or respond

If we’re honest, we may have the tendency to look at a command like children obeying parents as sort of a second class instruction. Almost like a cute, fly by, childrens sunday school lesson. We can look at Pauls commands in chapter 3 as these tier 1 top shelf christian walking like put to death sexual immorality, impurity, anger, wrath and put on compassion, kindness, patience. Forgive one another. Etc. and then we functionally scoff at a command like this.

However, the reality is a child’s obedience to their parents is something that Bible takes very seriously

Think about the 10 commandments

The first 4 commandments are about how we love God.

No other Gods

No carved images

Lords name in vain

Remember the sabbath

The next 6 commandments teach us about loving our neighbors. And the first commandment on teaching us about loving our neighbors is honoring father and mother. If we didn’t know about the 10 and we had to write them, most of us are probably finding 10 other things in our minds that outrank honoring mother and father

God commands in the old testament that children who revile their parents are to be put to death

Listen to Paul in Romans 1 when he is talking about Gods wrath on the unrighteous

Romans 1:28–32 “And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless.” Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.”

Choose the one that doesn’t seem to fit…

Not that there is such a thing as second class commands of God but if there were, this would not be one of them. There is a significant emphasis on the obedience of Children.

As a quick aside, the commandment of honoring mother and father is not one that we grow up out of. Although we may no longer obey our parents in everything, we are still called to show our parents honor.

Obedience to our parents is for a season, honor is for life.

Notice the text says “in everything”. Paul modifies a child obedience to be far more comprehensive in what a child is called to obey.

This means there isn’t a category in which obedience is optional. Not when it’s convenient, not when it makes sense, or when they agree, but in everything.

Now certainly that is not a command to obey sin, we obey God rather than man, but in all things lawful, the expectation is full obedience.

So the question is, what does full obedience look like in a child?

Let me propose 3 elements of obedience that I believe the Bible teaches are necessary in order to have full, true, biblical obedience.

Those 3 elements are Scope, Speed, and Spirit

Let’s unpack each of these, briefly.

First Scope

This is the scope of what was asked. Did the child do all of what the parent asked them to do?

Do you remember why moses wasn’t allowed to enter the promise land?

The people complained about not having water and Moses and Aaron go before God and God tells moses he will provide water for the people. He instructs moses to tell the rock to yield water and water will pour from the rock.

Instead of speaking to the rock to yield water, Moses strikes the rock with his staff and the water comes out. And God tells him that he is not going into the promised land

After all of this leading of the people and dealing with their issues and complaining and idolatry, the thing that kept him out was an incomplete obedience.

While a parent is not God, the same principle holds true for a child's obedience to a parent. If a child is told to set the table and they only put out a spoon, they have not done all of what was asked of them.

The scope of doing all of what was asked in the way is was asked is an essential part of biblical obedience

Incomplete obedience is disobedience

Second, Speed

That is; is the thing a parent has asked a child to do, done when it was asked to be done.

Ps 119:60 I hasten and do not delay to keep your commandments

Delayed obedience is disobedience

Thirdly, Spirit

By spirit I mean attitude. What is the attitude of the child in their obedience?

After God saves his people from slavery, Moses sets up the tabernacle and there is a cloud that rests on the tabernacle. And when the cloud raises, the people then move and follow the cloud as the lord leads them until it sets back down again and they camp. In Numbers 9 it talks about how the people are following Gods leading by camping when the cloud is down and setting out when it is lifted. Numbers 9:23 “At the command of the Lord they camped, and at the command of the Lord they set out. They kept the charge of the Lord, at the command of the Lord by Moses.”

They were obeying God

And after two years they leave sinai when the cloud lifts.

In Numbers 11:1 “And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp.”

The people did the task they were instructed to do yet God demonstrated his judgement on their attitude in doing it.

Philippians 2:14 “Do all things without grumbling or disputing,”

This doesn’t mean a child has to like what their told to do but they must do it with a good attitude.

Grumbling obedience is not biblical obedience

Let’s look at the next command in the text. While the command for children is in the positive - do this - the command for parents, specifically fathers, is in the negative - don't do this.

And the “don’t” is provoke them.

You could say irritate, stir up, exasperate.

Now there is a positive reality to provoking or stirring up. In 2 Cor 9, Paul is boasting about the enthusiasm for giving that the Corinthians have and says it was because of their zeal that has “provoked” (stirred up), most of the people.

So while there is a positive side to provoking, this is a negative provoking. This provoking doesn’t lead to encouragement but rather discouragement.

This discouragement is a loss of heart, loss of motivation, almost like a sense of despair

I hope you realize that it is possible to teach biblical truth in an unbiblical way. And in doing so you can be provoking your children to lose heart

This command is directed at fathers, not because it isn’t applicable to mothers, but because

1) the primary responsibility of a child’s instruction & discipline falls on the father (that’s not to say that mothers aren’t instrumental in that and may often have a greater role in instruction & correction. ie timothy’s mother and grandma ) but that as a father, he will have to answer for his children.

2) because this is often a greater temptation for men than it is women.

3) This command would be foreign to the cultural understanding of a fathers role

Under roman law there was a concept known as ‘Patria Potestas’ which is latin for ‘Power of the Father’. Patria Protestas essentially gave all authority to the father over his children which would include abandoning newborns to be “exposed” where they would be abandoned to die; Sell their children into slavery; execute their children. Children were not viewed as having any value at this time and were only elevated above the status of slave insofar that one day they would be a citizen.

Paul, knowing this, flips the culture on its head by telling fathers not to provoke their children to lose heart. We see how Paul is viewing these children as image bearers that are valuable and worthy of dignity and respect.

It has been men and women through the ages with their bibles in their hands that have stood up for the weak and oppressed. In a culture today that views children in the womb as property, as something to be discarded on a whim, and something that may one day grow into valuable child but right now is worthless and ought to be killed if the parents so choose to. we need to be a people who stand up with our bibles in our hands and prophetically speak out against the evils of our culture against those who are most vulnerable

While we don’t view our born children as property today, (ironically, our problem is we treat them like they are the center of the universe)there is still the temptation for fathers to provoke their children. Harshness, snapping, yelling, berating, never pleased or satisfied with them. Never showing affection for them. Never encouraging them or praising them.

These things will drive despair in the heart of a child.

It’s worth noting that not all children are the same either. Like the need to know your wife that we talked about in the last sermon, there is a need for parents to know their children individually to know what things will provoke some and what will provoke others.

What’s interesting is that you can provoke a child by the way you do something, like yelling at them.. But you can also provoke children to despair by what you do.

Let me list a few things that I believe are popular cultural parenting methods that I would contend are actually provoking children to despair and would violate the scope, speed, and spirit of obedience

The first one I see is counting.

What I mean by counting is when a parent is finally serious about what they are telling their child to do so they begin to count in order to gain compliance.

When parents count in order to gain compliance for their children, they ultimately are encouraging delayed obedience. The child is being taught that they don’t have to listen to mom or dad until they count to 2 ¾.

Compromise/Bribing

You ask your child to do something and they won’t listen to you so instead of disciplining your child, you bribe them.

“Pick up your room”

“I don't want to”

“I’ll get you some ice cream if you do”

That teaches a child that they are only to obey if they get what they want. They can leverage your desires to get their desires. You scratch my back dad and I'll scratch yours. A child needs to know that they are to obey their parents because they are a God given authority in their lives and God commands them to, not to get a treat.

Ignoring/redirecting

We just ignore bad behavior and praise good behavior.

That’s teaching children that there aren’t negative consequences for their actions. That there isn’t justice for wrongdoing.

Vain threats

“If you don’t go clean your room I’m taking your ___”

Child proceeds to not clean room

“That’s it, give me your ___”

“NO”

“Then go do it now”

Again, delayed obedience and honestly there actually isn’t any consequences, only threat of consequence

Yelling

After a long enough time of disobedience or irritation from your kids you eventually fly off the handle and scream at your kids.

You tell them 5 times to do the same thing and they don’t do it, you bribe them with something they want and they still don’t listen, you've counted to 82 and they still wont listen you’ve threatened to take away a pleasure of their and they still wont do it and eventually you just lose your mind and try to gain control via volume.

Do you know what this does to children's view of God? “Is God just going to have enough of me one day and pour out his wrath on me like dad did?”

So that’s what NOT to do, let’s see now what we ought to do.

We teach our children to obey their parents through instruction & correction

First, instruction

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Dont just tell them what is wrong, instruct them on what is right. Paul tells fathers to not do something but he instructs children here to do something.

Teach kids to obey parents. Teach children scope speed spirit.

Parents must teach their children to obey by doing all they ask of them, when they ask it of them, with a good, respectful attitude.

Teach them God’s word

Children should memorize Col 3:21

Pray with and for them

Preach the Gospel to them, let them know of their sin and their need of a savior. Tell them the story of God redeeming his people to himself for his glory

That’s instruction, next is correction

Correction is both verbal & physical

When children are in error, lovingly correct them in their behavior. Make sure they know why they are in error. It is wrong to discipline a child if they don’t know what was wrong.

Notice earlier, when speaking of the church, it says to teach and admonish “in all wisdom”. Parents need to use wisdom and discernment in their correction of their children.

I think a helpful distinction is if they can’t obey - meaning they are unaware - , that requires verbal correction, if they won’t obey- meaning they are aware and are choosing defiance - that requires physical correction

Physical discipline

Spanking children today is taboo in our culture. Words like child abuse are being wed to the idea of a swat on a childs rear. It’s seen as unloving, cruel, outdated, and will leave children with a lifetime of trauma from being spanked.

There’s a newish parenting style known as gentle parenting that essentially tells you to treat your 5 year old like they’re 40 and interact with them as peers. They love using words like boundaries and doesn’t believe in any physical discipline. Besides the fact that it is completely unbiblical, it is a dumpster fire for children and people are just starting to realize that.

Now, to be clear, there absolutely is a category for child abuse and I am in no way condoning some of the ungodly behavior of parents to their children. Maybe even some of you have experienced that. I don’t want to be insensitive to your experience but I do want to present a biblical model for physical discipline.

The bible commands parents to spank their children

Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.”

Maybe, if we are being honest, we know that the bible commands it but we may actually find ourselves agreeing with the culture that there are better ways to discipline.

The bible not only tells us to discipline this way, it teaches us that is a good thing for children

Proverbs 23:14 “If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.”

That those who love their children will discipline them

Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

Here are a few things Proverbs tells us spanking will do for children (MAYBE SKIP)

Give wisdom

Brings delight to parents

Prevents bringing shame

Drives out foolishness

Directs them to their future hope

People object that spanking hurts children. My answer to that is yes, there is a sting to discipline that hurts in the moment. That is exactly what the author of Hebrews says in Hebrews 12 when he says that God himself disciplines those whom he loves. In verse 11 he says Hebrews 12:11 “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

If God, who is far more loving of us than we are of our children, brings about the sting of discipline for our good, we ought to follow suit by lovingly disciplining our children

Few comments on spanking children.

This is primarily for younger children. It’s probably not wise to spank a 17 year old

We don't do it out of anger/wrath

We spank for sin, not mistake

We clearly communicate the reason for the punishment and make sure the child understands

We administer the punishment ie 3 swats

We reconcile

Let me make a few closing observations and we’re done

First, The primary motivator behind all of this is a desire to please the Lord. Do you see that in verse 20? “For” or because, this pleases the Lord. Our obedience is first and foremost driven by a desire to please Jesus.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:9 “So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him.”

This means a couple things.

Obedience to parents is not ultimately about pleasing our parents but about pleasing God

Behavior modification is not the primary goal of parenting children. Heart transformation is. Our aim in parenting, in instruction, in correction, in teaching our children and caring for them is to show them the beauty of the gospel and drive them to repentance and faith in Christ

Second observation

We have all failed to please the Lord

There is not one person in this room, including myself, who has not failed at this. All of us have failed to obey our parents perfectly, and all of us who are parents have failed to parents perfectly

And a sermon like this often has the potential to surface some of the greatest guilt and shame perhaps of any sermon. When we talk about other failings, they often are about our own sin, many times internally. Even when we speak of something like marriage and divorce, there can be this subtle justification in that both people were guilty of sin and even if there was a primary guilty party, its an adult. But with children it’s different. With children there is no do over. With children, you bear the weight of their instruction, care, guidance, behavior. And with that can come waves of guilt and regret.

[Reconcile]

A word on that. Perhaps there is a need to ask for your child's forgiveness for the ways in which you have sinned against them. Perhaps there is a need to ask for your parents forgiveness for the way you’ve sinned against them.

I need you to remember that if you are in christ, there is no longer any condemnation. I need you to know that Jesus has seen all the ways that you have failed as a child or a parent and has come to die for that. I need you to remind yourself that you have been washed in the precious blood of Christ. That is God is sovereign over all and where you and I have made a mess of things he is working all of it out for our good and his glory.

[Perfect father]

In Christ, we have a father who has not been harsh with us. We have a father who loves us perfectly in all the ways our parents failed to love us and we have failed to love our children

[Treated as perfect son]

And In Christ, we are treated like the perfect son. Do you realize your eternal salvation depended on the perfect obedience of a child and Jesus did that work. Not only of his earthly parents but of his heaveanly father. Come to do his fathers will and perfectly accomplishes that.

Our hope is not in our successes as children or parents but in a father who loves us a perfectly and a son who has obeyed perfectly in our place.