Redeemer Equips: Speaking Truth in Love

Opening Pastoral Word & Prayer

Welcome back. Last week we laid a foundation: God did not design His people to carry the burdens of life alone. Weakness is expected, care is shared, and Christ Himself is the pattern and power of our community. Tonight, we’re taking the next step—but this step often feels much more difficult to take. Because as soon as we start talking about caring for one another, the main question quickly rises to the surface: “What do I say?” Many of us genuinely want to help, but we’re afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Afraid of being too harsh. Afraid of being too soft. Afraid of doing damage. We need wisdom and love in our words. So, let’s begin tonight by asking the Lord for wisdom.

Pray

Introduction: The Power and Danger of Words

One of the clearest teachings in Scripture is also one of the easiest to underestimate: the teaching that Words matter.

They matter because:

They reflect what we believe - Most, if not, all of you have heard me say it over and over again; we live out what we believe to be true. That applies to not only our actions and responses, but also with our thoughts, words, and desires. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 15:19 “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.” Our hearts are the brain of our whole operation, and ingrained within that heart, are beliefs that control it. So, even our words, are able to reflect what we truly believe.

They shape how people experience care - When someone comes to you in their most vulnerable of times, they will remember what you tell them. Often times, that first experience, will shape the way they view care from there on out. In other words, from the first experience, they develop a belief about what care is, a belief that will drive the way they receive care down the road. So, we must speak with wisdom and love.

They can either draw people toward Christ or push them further into isolation - All of our care should be pointing people upward toward God, not inward toward self. Our care should always be ending with hope in Christ not hope in self. This comes from building habits of grace in our lives. We don’t want to tell people to just pray more and things will get better. Remind them of who they are praying to, why they are praying, and to have expectant hope in the promises of Christ.

Most harm that is done within Christian care is not done with bad intentions—it’s done with good intentions and poor wisdom. Tonight is not about learning the right script. It is about cultivating a wise, loving posture toward struggling people.

Key Text: Ephesians 4:15–16, 29

Let’s anchor ourselves in Ephesians 4. Listen carefully to how Paul describes Christian speech. Ephesians 4:15–16 “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” And Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Two phrases matter deeply for us tonight:

“Speaking the truth in love”

“As fits the occasion”

Christian speech is:

Truthful - If our speech is the be truthful, then it has to be based on truth, and where do we find our basis of truth? In Scripture. How many of you actually hear of, or experience, a problem and look for an answer in Scripture? There are ways to do this, and we can talk about how to find and study things shortly, but the point here is that all of our speech, and especially our opinions, answers, advice, etc., should be founded upon the truth of Scripture.

Loving - It is compassionate, and sympathizing. It acknowledges the hurt and pain being experienced by the other person. It doesn’t poke fun at them, belittle them, or degrade them. Look at them. And see a child of God who is hurting and needing you to say something.

Timely - We need to be slow to speak and quick to hear. This isn’t knowing just what to say, but also when to say it. Let me give you an example. When someone has just lost a loved one, it is not timely to recite Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” While this is true, and it can be comforting in the right time, reminding someone of this as they buried a loved one is not very timely or wise.

Purposeful - Lastly, our speech ought to be purposeful. That purpose should be to steer the other person towards their hope in Jesus and not towards some meaningless, surface-level, introspection that will only lead to further harm in the end. Let your speech be full of purpose, but let that purpose be hope in Christ and not more burden.

Now, if any one of those is missing, we distort care. Our care must be truthful, loving, timely, and purposeful; otherwise it isn’t true Christian care. Now, lt’s look at our first truth for the night.

Truth #1: Love and Truth Are Not Opposites

One of the most common mistakes Christians make is separating love and truth. It is this idea that we must be one or the other but we cannot be both at the same time. And most of us default toward truth without love, that is:

Direct, blunt, “just being biblical” - This is that attitude we see a lot when we talk of people just beating people over the head with their bibles. It is often aggressive and abusive.

Confident in content, careless in delivery - It is taking the sword of Scripture and just stabbing people with it repeatedly instead of using it like a precision tool carving away sin from peoples lives. This typically does more damage than good.

Others default toward love without truth, which is:

Gentle, supportive, affirming—but unclear - This reminds me of the parent whose kid experiences something at school, comes home crying and not knowing what to do. The parent, out of love, comforts, affirms, and encourages, but the message is unclear and confusing, because even they don’t really know what to say or do in that particular situation. When we don’t know what to say, but feel as if we need to say something, our messages come out more confusing than anything.

Afraid to say hard things - This same child, home from school and crying, will often get a message or affirmation that they did nothing wrong and it is the other kids fault. Why? Because as parents we want to love and protect our kids. We are afraid to say the hard things to them and risk even more tears or heart ache. Even if it was their fault.

But Scripture never pits these against each other. Love guides how truth is spoken. Truth directs what love ultimately seeks. Biblical care does not choose between love and truth—it holds them together. People need to understand their part in every situation they face, and even face consequences if necessary, but we explain this in a loving way, because we care for them and don’t want to see this happen again in the future. Thats how love and truth work together.

Counseling the Room: Common Internal Reactions

Let’s slow down a little bit, and name what often happens inside us when someone shares a struggle. Some of you feel an immediate pressure: “I need to respond well—or I’ll fail them.” Others feel discomfort: “This is heavy. I don’t know what to do with it.” Others feel judgment creeping in: “If they really trusted God, wouldn’t this be different?” Let me say this clearly and gently: The goal of care is not found in giving impressive answers—it is faithful presence shaped by wisdom. The ordinary answers are usually the best answers. Remeber, you are not required to solve what God Himself is working out over time.

Proverbs 18:13 – The Danger of Speaking Too Quickly

Scripture gives us an important warning: Proverbs 18:13 “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” One of the most unloving things we can do is speak too soon. Speaking without actually understanding the situation, often leads us into mouth and foot disease. It makes us look foolish.

We tend to rush care by:

Diagnosing too soon - This is essentially a case of making assumptions without ever knowing what is actually going on. It also leads us into very shallow advice that does no good at all.

Correcting too soon - When we diagnose too soon, we tend to believe we know the answer and begin to correct others in areas where they don’t actually need correcting.

Reassuring too soon - This is the other side of diagnosing too soon. Instead of correcting them we begin to affirm and reassure them where they may need correcting.

Fixing too soon - Guys, this is mostly about us (joke). Learn when someone is just needing to be heard and when they actually want you to fix something. Husbands and wives, here is some advice, learn to tell each other when you just need an ear or when you actually need a hand. It will solve many of your frustrations.

Often not because the other person needs it—but because we are uncomfortable with unresolved pain. Wise care begins with listening, long before speaking.

Listening says:

“You matter.”

“I’m not in a hurry.”

“You’re not a problem/project to finish.”

Truth #2: Scripture Is Applied, Not Fired

Christians should love Scripture—and that’s good. But Scripture must be wisely handled in care. Let me say something that needs to be said carefully: Quoting a verse does not automatically equal wisdom.

Scripture can be used: Gently, Patiently, and Redemptively. With careful listening and understanding we can let our speech be seasoned with love and grace that seeks healing and not more harm to the other person. We can speak as though who have faith in the promises of God, expecting Jesus to act on our behalf, rather than skeptics using Scripture like band-aids and moving on.

Or it can be used: Harshly, Hastily, or As a way to shut down pain. Scripture was never meant to beat people over head, to be used as a band-aid for suffering, or to be used in such a way that we minimize and shutdown the real pain that people are experiencing. When we do this, we are telling people, that they don’t really matter to us, that we don’t really believe them, or that we just don’t have time for them. If we believe in the truth of Scripture, then we have the very answers they need the most.

So when someone comes to us, and think of a Scripture they might need, we need to ask ourselves a question. The question is not “Is this verse true?” The question is “Is this the right word, at the right time, in the right way?”

Jesus Himself did not speak the same way to everyone:

Firm words for the proud - When speaking to the Pharisees, Jesus was often firm in his words to them. This is not to be mistaken for anger. When I tell my daughter in a firm way to do something, that she knows she should be doing, it isn’t because I am angry with her, but I want her to do what she knows to be right, because I care for her. Sometimes, a firm word is necessary to get a point across.

Tender words for the broken - Jesus is often shown to have compassion for the crowds of people, the poor, the sick, and those closest to him. Jesus understood their situations better than anyone else could. Jesus knew that there was real pain and suffering, and so he spoke in such a way, that he comforted the brokenhearted, rather than beating them down even more.

Silence when speech would wound - Sometimes there are truths that need to be said, but they need to be said at the right time. Sometimes, people just need us to hear them. Most people know what they have done wrong in any given situation, they don’t need you to remind them in the moment, they just need someone to hear them so that they can better process what is happening.

That is wisdom and understanding in the moment.

Examples: Unhelpful vs. Wise Responses

I am going to give a scenario and some examples of what to say and you are going to tell me if it is helpful or unhelpful.

Scenario 1: A Grieving Believer

A friend walks up to me and says they just found out last night that one of their grandparents has passed away and I say: “They’re in a better place, you know, everything happens for a reason. (Unhelpful)” Those statements may be theologically true—but they short‑circuit grief. Wise caring sounds like: “I’m so sorry. I know this hurts deeply. I don’t have words, but I’m here to listen. (Helpful)” Truth is not denied—it’s simply patient.

Scenario 2: A Believer Struggling with Ongoing Sin

Now, let’s say a church member comes up to me and they are struggling with some secret sin, and I say: “You just need more discipline.” “Here’s what the Bible says—stop doing it. (Unhelpful)” Now, it may very well be true that he needs more discipline in his life and the Bible has answers for him, but without understanding his specific situation, I would simply be trying to band-aid a gunshot wound by saying this. Wise care might begin with: “Tell me more about when this is hardest. What’s going on around it? (Helpful)” Truth will eventually be spoken—but only after understanding.

Scenario 3: Someone Overwhelmed by Anxiety

One more. This is a very common one. Someone comes up to you and says they are having a lot of anxiety over an upcoming situation and they don’t know what to do. So, you say: “You just need to trust God more.” “Don’t worry—God’s in control. (Unhelpful)” Yes, anxiety generally stems from a lack of trust, but that doesn’t always look the same for every person. It is very hard to help people in generalities. We have to get specific with them and show them God’s promises. Wise care might sound like: “That sounds exhausting. What feels heaviest right now? (Helpful)” Trust in God is essential—but trust grows best where pressure is reduced, not increased.

Confessional Wisdom Beneath the Surface

Here is something we must remember. Our theology should quietly but firmly shape this approach. We hold that sin has marred both heart and mind, that true growth unfolds slowly like the seasons, and that our gracious God most often works through humble, ordinary means rather than sudden miracles. Therefore, we should expect confusion among believers, gradual transformation, and the need for patient, repeated instruction and encouragement. In this spirit, may our speech always breathe patience, make space for the slow unfolding of grace in one another’s lives, and consistently, though never harshly, turn every heart toward the loving presence of Christ, our sure hope and gentle guide.

Truth #3: Grace Is the Aim of Christian Speech

Ephesians 4:29 gives us a clear goal: “…that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Four questions to ask yourself in moments of care:

Are my words increasing hope? - You will either give people the hope and promises of Jesus Christ or you will give them a list of things to do. Both can be good and needed. But, let your “do’s” come from the hope we have in Christ. Not the other way around.

Are my words encouraging repentance without crushing? - Compassionately lead people to repentance. You do not have to be hell fire and brimstone with every person that comes to you. But, some people may need that at times. Know your audience and the circumstances.

Are my words helping this person walk forward—even slowly? - Am I being helpful or unhelpful? Don’t just try to band-aid a situation with a Bible verse or a key principle and than run off. Walk with them and make sure they understand the truth that you are telling them and how to apply it in their current situations.

Grace-filled speech does not avoid truth—but it ensures that truth lands as help, not harm.

Boundaries Matter: Knowing When to Get Help

A word of wisdom must be spoken here. Boundaries are important for at least two reasons: 1. We can’t be other peoples savior, but God can. 2. We were not designed to have all the answers, but God does. This takes humility.

There are times when loving care means saying:

“I want to walk with you—but we need more help than I can give.” Please know when to get help from someone else. You do not have to exhaust yourself helping others when you don’t have the answers. One of the things I love most about the biblical counseling world, is that it is a network of like-minded individuals, and we all refer people to others when we don’t have the answers. The local church, should operate the same way. It is ok if you don’t have the answers and seek help from your Elders or other close friends who you know may have gone through similar situations.

Referring someone to pastors or elders is not failure and they aren’t in trouble; it is faithfulness. You are not meant to carry what God has not given you to carry.

Closing Charge: Let Christ Shape Your Speech

Colossians 3:16–17 tells us, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” As Christ’s Word shapes your heart, it will shape your words. This is why it is necessary to be in the Word if we are going to help others with the Word.

Over time, a culture forms where:

People aren’t afraid to speak

People aren’t afraid to be honest

And care becomes normal, not awkward

I hope that this culture is beginning to take shape here at Redeemer, and I believe it is, just from conversations I have had and things I have seen take place. That is a beautiful testimony of the gospel changing us from the inside out.

Q&A Time