Uprooting Resentment

INTRODUCTION:

I’ve got three young children - ages 11, 8 and 5 - who are the pride and joy of my life.

It’s fun to watch their personalities develop from helpless little babies to productive little humans. Some of that maturity has come through training. Some has happened more naturally.

Looking back, there’s one thing I NEVER had to teach them. I never had to teach them how to fight.

It just happened as natural as breathing. It doesn’t matter who. It doesn’t matter when. It doesn’t matter what the issue is. Conflict rises on its own.

I would dare say daily and for sure weekly this relational dynamic rears its head. If the human soul were an operating system, conflict would be a feature, not a bug.

Being human makes conflict inevitable.

We see that at the global level in wars and rumors of wars. But it’s not just nations and battlefields. It’s families and friendships and churches.

Instead of bombs there are icy shoulders, harsh tones, awkward silence. It’s a well-known enemy to a flourishing life.

Set The Table

Is it any surprise that Jesus would address it through his well-known sermon called “The Sermon on the Mount?”

This sermon is a blueprint for a life of human flourishing as well as the barriers that keep one from it.

A flourishing life is found in God’s kingdom. But God’s Kingdom is only given to certain people: the poor in spirit, the repentant and the humble, the sincere, mercy-givers and peacemakers.

In saying so, Jesus was not changing Scripture but revealing it’s original intent. He responds to his accusers in Matthew 5:17.

Matthew 5:17 CSB

17 “Don’t think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to abolish but to fulfill.

Not only is Jesus the point of the Bible. He’s also the pattern for righteousness. He wasn’t guilty of twisting the Scripture, that was projection from the Scribes and Pharisees.

Jesus warned,

Matthew 5:20 CSB

20 For I tell you, unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never get into the kingdom of heaven.

The scribes and pharisees had “deficient righteousness” even though, externally, they were “pious.”

Their focus was more about external actions and their motive about public reputation.

Jesus goes on to give six illustrations of what “surpassing righteousness” looks like.

In Matthew 5:21 he contrasts murder and anger.

In Matthew 5:27 he addresses adultery and lust.

In Matthew 5:31 he addresses divorce and remarriage.

In Matthew 5:33 he addresses oaths and integrity.

In Matthew 5:38 he addresses offense and revenge.

In Matthew 5:43 he addresses love for an enemy.

With each illustration, Jesus explains what really matters to God. External piety is not sufficient because God is after the heart.

The first illustration deals with anger and contempt. This one is first for a reason.

Controlling lust, staying married, being honest and loving enemies all require not having anger issues.

You cannot have a flourishing life and struggle with anger and contempt.

Sinful anger makes righteousness impossible and diminishes every other virtue.

UPROOTING ANGER

Maturity as a Christian STARTS with this issue which is why it comes first in the series.

If you are a Christian and struggle with anger then this is a message for you.

Let’s read the passage from Matthew 5:21-26

Matthew 5:21–26 CSB

21 “You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, Do not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgment. 22 But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Whoever insults his brother or sister, will be subject to the court. Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to hellfire. 23 So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Reach a settlement quickly with your adversary while you’re on the way with him to the court, or your adversary will hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will never get out of there until you have paid the last penny.

Jesus introduces this issue with similar language as he does the other six illustrations.

Jesus begins by saying, “you’ve heard it said…” followed by, “but I say to you…”

Many people refer to these six statements as the “antitheses” in that Jesus contrasts his teaching with the OT Law.

But in Matthew 5:17 Jesus was clear that HE DID NOT come to abolish the Law & Prophets.

Some have instead said Jesus is correcting the misuse or misapplication of God’s Law.

Some say Jesus is intensifying or reinterpreting the OT Law. That under the Old Covenant the Law worked one way but under the New Covenant it works like this.

While any of these are possible, it’s clear to me that Jesus wasn’t “changing” God’s Law.

I also don’t think that the OT Law was only focused on behavior.

God has always been more concerned with the heart than merely external behavior.

In that way, Jesus reveals the Law’s intent. He helps to bring it to it’s final destination.

In that way the word “and” might be better than “but.” “You’ve heard it said… that’s true … and I also say…” The teaching of Jesus was helping people see what God’s Law has always been about.

There’s a deeper and higher “law beneath the law.” That law is the law of God’s love.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and love your neighbor as yourself.” All the Law & Prophets depend on these two commandments. (Mat 22:37-40)

All six of these example do that same work. They help to answer “what does love require of me, here?”

The religious leaders had focused only on behavior and as such missed what God really wants.

The OT Law was given to Israel so they might live as a light unto the nations. Other nations might not believe in their God but they would look at their way of life and show respect.

Jesus desires a similar thing for his followers. Even though he predicts their coming persecution, he calls them salt and light in the world.

People would look at their lives and say to themselves, “I may not believe in their God but I can’t deny their character.”

Do Not Murder

On the specific question of anger Jesus quotes number 6 of the ten commandments. (Ex 20:13: Deut 5:17)

Matthew 5:21 CSB

21 “You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, Do not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgment.

In neither Exodus nor Deuteronomy is there any such statement about judgment.

It’s likely a reference to the legal prosecution that took place to indict a murderer. The OT penalty for murder was capital punishment. (Exo 21:12; Lev 24:17; Num 35:16-21, 30-31)

Some suggest the pharisees were drawing the line here so as to make lesser forms of anger less severe.

I’m sure many thought, “I’ve never murdered anybody therefore I must be good.” And Jesus is saying, “not so fast.”

Jesus affirms the goodness of God’s original prohibition but then carries the core value even further.

Matthew 5:22 CSB

22 But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Whoever insults his brother or sister, will be subject to the court. Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to hellfire.

But notice how Jesus increases the judgment even as the intensity of the offense decreases.

At first the judgment is undefined, then its the court (Sanhedrian), then its the fires of hell!

The word translated “insult” is the Greek word “Rhaka” and means “empty-headed, or good-for-nothing buffoon.”

To say, “you fool” is to think someone unwise. It’s where we get our English word for moron.

The lowest form of contempt creates in the highest degree of judgment. (Gehenna was a symbol of divine judgment)

Invisible Roots

From murder to anger to insults to contempt the grievance is less but the judgment is more.

Murder may keep you from the court of public opinion but it does not excuse you from heaven’s court.

Every visible sin has invisible roots and God is most concerned about those.

The word translated “anger” isn’t slight irritation. It’s full antipathy and aggression. At the root of murder is sinful anger and beneath sinful anger is contempt.

Homicide is the fruit but it’s not where everything started. Hostility was born out in the roots.

Even the focus on reconciliation borrows from this statement about anger. The reconciliation of verse 23 is needed because of one’s anger caused offense.

The thing that God cares about is the sin within the heart. So to heal the human heart we must uproot resentment.

Anger = Injury

So what IS anger? What IS contempt? How do they operate beneath the surface.

If you’ve ever been sinfully angry for any reason then you how powerful these can be.

Jesus doesn’t spend a lot of time on this question but the Bible addresses it elsewhere.

James 4:1–2 ESV

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.

The most helpful way to think about anger is a desire that became a demand. Anger is more about what’s “owed” than what’s right.

In that way, anger seeks to defend what is loved from injury.

For anger to manifest all you need is a threat. The injury can be perceived and not actually happen. They may not seek to harm but your anger doesn’t care.

When comfort is threatened, anger will rise.

When control is threatened, anger will rise.

When convenience is threatened, anger will rise.

When reputation is threatened, anger will rise.

When your version of justice is delayed, anger will rise.

If if feels like a threat then anger will fight.

Tim Keller says of anger that it’s “love in motion.” It’s seeks to defend what is loved against the threat.

In that way, it’s possible to have righteous anger but it’s very rare and it’s not what Jesus addresses

Sinful anger is sinful because you’ve loved the wrong things. Or loved a good thing the wrong way.

It’s natural to want children to listen and obey. But what happens when desire becomes demand? “You owed me this and didn’t deliver therefore I have the right to take from you.”

Maybe it’s respect as a husband or being cherished as a wife, these are good desires given by God. But when unmet desires become a self-serving demand they can justify sinful anger in the heart.

In those cases you don’t just get angry. You usually express it in a sinful way. You’ll yell, scream and intimidate because you’re getting back from them what it owed.

You aren’t listening to me? Well, I’ll speak so I’m heard! You aren’t showing respecting? Then I’ll take from you what you want. It’s a vicious cycle that repeats and repeats.

Contempt = Inferior

In that way anger and contempt are related. They reinforce and empower one another.

If anger is defense from a threat of injury then contempt is reason you can injure other people.

Contempt seeks to denigrate others as inferior.

Contempt is what anger borrows when it needs permission to cause a wound.

It comes from the Latin “contemptus” which means “to scorn, despise, or to consider small in value.” It conveys this idea of cutting something or someone off from yourself.

They become dissimilar and/or inferior to yourself. It helps you justify your insults and life destroying words.

You dehumanize the other person so as to lessen their value. As a result, they’re unworthy of your love and respect.

“You don’t deserve respect or tenderness.”

“You are beneath my patience or my love.”

“You are not worth policing my language.”

This is usually accompanied with some form of self-exaltation.

These two work together to cause resentment: the offspring of anger and contempt.

And once resentment has taken root in your heart it will gradually poison everything.

The anger gets remembered and rehearsed in your mind.

You preserve every self-justification. You replay the tapes again and again because it helps you to feel like the hero.

If anger is a flash then resentment is the smoldering ash that lives on for days beneath the flames.

No matter what touches a heart of resentment it eventually catches fire and gets destroyed.

God’s Image

Both anger and contempt are POWERFUL emotions. The more you let them loose, the more they’ll take control.

Each of them will blind you to a very important truth. Ultimately, they’ll take you to a place of murderous rage.

None of us are immune from such a heinous act. The difference is one of degree and not intent. Pushed far enough, anyone could do it.

Anger seeks to harm so as to get back what is owed.

Contempt seeks to justify the harm that you cause.

Both of these sinful roots are blind to one key truth. The person with whom you’re angry is a person loved by God.

Anger and contempt disregard the image of God.

If that person is another Christian, they are a brother or sister in Christ. Jesus died to give them life just as he did for you.

And while they may have done something wrong, it does not justify your mistreatment.

Your insistence on getting angry means you’ve drifted from the cross.

There’s only one step left that can move the ball foreward: repentance and reconciliation.

Instead of seething in your anger and self-righteous contempt, you must choose to make-peace with the other person.

This should be the natural inclination for a Christian. It’s the only way towards a life of flourishing.

MAKING THINGS RIGHT

A true Christian cannot abide a heart of resentment. So Jesus explains what we should do.

Jesus offers up two different parables that make a singular point: God cares about your personal relationships!

Matthew 5:23–26 CSB

23 So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Reach a settlement quickly with your adversary while you’re on the way with him to the court, or your adversary will hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will never get out of there until you have paid the last penny.

Notice the first parable is between “brothers and sisters.” Whether these are biological siblings or members of a local church, some kinship does exist.

The second parable is between a person and their adversary. The context seems like a lawsuit or legal case.

In both cases, the imperative is placed on the offender. His actions have created some kind of grievance.

In both cases, there’s an urgent command for the offender to go and make things right.

Right Relationships

Both parables establish the same basic point: righteousness includes right relationships.

It’s tempting to treat your relationship with God as an island unto itself. But that’s not how Jesus describes it.

Everything that happens at a horizontal level has an impact on the vertical as well.

There cannot be fractures at the horizontal level and it not undermine your relationship with God.

This was a truth the pharisees neglected. It’s why Jesus says their righteousness is deficient.

They had boiled down righteousness to ritual compliance: give your money, read your Bible, say your prayers, offer your sacrifice.

As long as you showed up to the temple and checked your “worship box” everything was good with you and God. Jesus challenges that assumption and pulls back the curtain on what God really expected.

You can’t be right with God and be wrong with other people. Righteousness is relational not ritual.

This is a clear and uncomfortable truth, righteousness includes right relationships. This has been true from the very start. (Amos 5:21-22)

It’s impossible for you to say you love God if you’re living with resentment towards another. (1 John 4:2)

Your spiritual maturity isn’t measured by how many verses you’ve memorized or how much theology you can spout off at the dinner table.

Your spirituality isn’t based on some private spiritual scorecard that isn’t seen or experienced by other people. Righteousness includes how you treat other people and whether you’re willing to make restitution.

This isn’t some auxiliary truth. It’s the center of the Gospel that we preach. That’s why Jesus conflates peace-making with the worship of God at the altar.

Offender Initiates

Matthew 5:23–24 CSB

23 So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.

On the question of worship, relational peace matters more to God than anything.

The Old Testament prophets said the same thing. (Isaiah 1:15-17)

It’s why Peter rebukes husbands for being harsh with their wives. (1 Peter 3:7)

Jesus is NOT diminishing the importance of worship. He’s elevating the importance of relationships.

Worship is important. You should commit to worship gatherings. But making peace should be right there alongside.

You can’t force a relationship to heal but you can clean your side of the street. That’s why Jesus puts the responsibility on the offender to go first in making peace.

The offender should initiate reconciliation.

This prevents passive self-justification. “Well, they never came to me… they should’ve said something… I didn’t mean it that way…” Jesus says, “If you contributed this way then it’s your move to make.”

And your pursuing RECONCILIATION. That’s not “explaining yourself” it’s an exchange from something to something good. Removing the hostility and restoring relationship.

Going First

In most relational fractures their TWO guilty parties who’ve caused offense in two different ways.

Jesus doesn’t bother with weighing culpability he starts with the gift of God’s conviction.

If you’re worshipping God and God brings to mind a way in which you’ve caused offense. Even if the other person is 10X more guilty, you should go and clean your side of the street.

You can’t force the other person’s apology nor should your apology be conditional on that. The only way for ANY relationship to heal is for somebody to lay down their sword.

If it make you feel better, don’t do it FOR them. Do it because Jesus said you should. Jesus has established this is the way to flourishing and he models it with his very life.

Jesus doesn’t say to apologize for what you DID NOT DO but to own your contribution to the problem. And no matter how big or small you think it is, it’s your job to show humility and to own it.

The 7 Apology A’s

There’s a great book on Peace Making by Ken Sande called “The Peacemaker.” He lists 7 A’s of making an apology.

I’ll provide them for you because I think they’re so helpful.

Address everyone involved - your confession should reach as far as your offense. (there’s always more collateral damage than you think)

Avoid “if, but and maybe.” - These words turn apologies into excuses. “If you would’ve have…. maybe next time …. I’m sorry but…” These words shift responsibility to the other person and away from yourself. It undermines a good apology.

Admit specifically - A generic “I’m sorry” may require humility but it doesn’t really help the other person. Specificity demonstrates honesty and taking responsibility and makes it easier for the other person to forgive you.

Acknowledge the hurt you caused - Every sinful act motivated by anger/contempt will have damage that needs to be acknowledged. Help the other person realize you see the damage your actions have really caused. (I know that must’ve embarrassed you… I know that made you feel dumb… I see how XYZ…)

Accept the consequences - The difference between true repentance and godly sorrow is a willingness to accept the wage of sin. You aren’t owed mercy or forgiveness. (Remember the prodigal in Luke 15:19?) Accepting the consequences (negative punishments or positive expectations) shows sincerity of heart.

Alter your behavior - With many apologies the person may forgive you but trust is regained over time. Repentance isn’t proven by our tears but a life transformed to live differently. Make tangible changes and give concrete examples for how it won’t happen again.

Ask for forgiveness + allow some time - If you demonstrate the first six steps most people will forgive you but sometimes you should just straight up ask. Not as the first step but last step in teh process. Also - be willing to give some time. Asking forgiveness should be a pressure point but an invitation to be accepted voluntarily. True humility is willing to wait as long as is needed to move forward.

Attempt Immediately

In addition to the offender making the first move, the attempt should be made as soon as possible.

Notice how Jesus says the same in both parables. The language of urgency is evident.

Matthew 5:24-25

Matthew 5:24–25 CSB

24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Reach a settlement quickly with your adversary…

When pursuing peace in relationships attempts should be made immediately.

Jesus gives at least three reasons. The first is implied by the second parable.

The first parable is between and brother and a sister but the second parable is with an adversary. Jesus doesn’t say this explicitly, but delay can turn one into the other.

The longer you wait for reconciliation the more damage your inaction can cause. The devil can have have a heyday with a root of bitterness and you have no idea it’s going on.

It’s why the Scriptures warn us against resentment. We begin to filter our experiences through the grievance. We begin to see things that aren’t true and creating things that aren’t there. If peace-making had been pursued.

Interrupting Worship

The other two costs are much more explicit. I’ll mention all three in order.

Delay will interrupt worship.

Delay will intensify grievance.

Delay will increase culpability.

The first cost of delay is explicit in the first parable. The worship is interrupted by the need for peace.

The act of worship is a very big deal and your unrepentant sin can undermine it.

Jesus doesn’t say, “When you get home or after the service…” He doesn’t even say “When the time is right.” The time is NOW and don’t come back to the altar until you’ve cleaned your side of the street.

Again, you can’t control whether forgiveness is given but you can control your side of the process. You can text it right now before the service is over and own your side of the issue.

This story is connected to one of the oldest stories in the Old Testament. The story of Cain and Abel. Both brothers offered a gift to the Lord but only the offering of Abel was accepted.

The problem with Cain’s offering wasn’t the offering but the heart with which it was offered. And the same is true for any other person who persists in a state of unrepentance.

Intensify Grievance

Unfortunately, Cain didn’t listen to the Lord. Sin was crouching at his door with desire to control him.

Instead of ruling over sin his sin ruled over him and it’s increased the original grounds for grievance.

Delay interrupts worship.

Delay will intensify grievance.

Cain’s anger festered into resentment and ultimately led him to kill his brother.

Don’t let delay be reason your brother or sister becomes an adversary. Don’t let inaction be the reason they justify replaying tapes in their head filled with deception.

Don’t let delay be the thing the devil uses to confirm their worst of their suspicions. Yesterday’s brother can become tomorrows adversary all because you were not quick to act.

It’s why the apostle Paul said, “Be angry but don’t sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and therefore give the devil an opportunity.” (Eph 4:26-27)

Delay doesn’t just hurt the relationship it cedes ground to the enemy of your soul. It allows for that root of bitterness to spring up and defile many more people in the process. (Heb 12:15)

Increase Culpability

Finally delay will increase judgment. This is seen at the end of verse 26.

Notice the progression once the window of opportunity is closed: judge, officer, prison, last penny.

The longer you walk on unresolved conflict the more judgment you store up for yourself.

It doesn’t even matter if they’re “more wrong” than you. The consequences are terrible either way.

And the thing about grievance is it blinds you to your own sin. So you’re storing up judgment unaware. It won’t be until it’s already too late that you realize you missed your opportunity.

This is what causes marriages to end. Nobody cares who really started it. The collateral damage is experienced BY ALL because you didn’t make peace when peace was possible.

Please don’t think, “It’s fine… it’ll pass.” It will not pass it will harden and calcify. The gulf between will get wider and wider until one day there’s no way across the bridge.

I’ve seen it happen again and again and it’s always a tragedy that could have been avoided.

CONCLUSION

Conflict is a feature and it has been since Eden. We all carry desires that have become demands.

We all carry contempt and nurture resentment and none of us are immune from doing so.

Jesus knows all of this. And he doesn't respond with a program or a personality profile.

He responds with a command: Go and be reconciled. Go first. Go quickly. Go now. But Jesus doesn't just issue the command, He demonstrates it through his own life.

Romans 5:8 CSB

8 But God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

While we had done nothing to deserve it and everything to disqualify us from it — God went first. He didn't wait for us to come to him. He left heaven and came down to us.

Even though Jesus was never the offender, in mercy he paid the price for our offense. He absorbed the full weight of our hostility and contempt and paid “our last penny” on the cross.

The only person who can go and do likewise is a person who abides in Jesus Christ.

Ground your identity in the person and work of Christ

That’s the only way to uproot the vice of anger. You must first experience peace with God through repentance and faith in Jesus.

If for you to be whole you must be in control then you’ll never seek reconciliation. If for you to be whole, you must never be wrong then you are unprepared for judgment day.

Only the person who is grounded in Jesus can take the same blows that Jesus did. Only that person can humble themselves because they’re standard is the glory of God.

Christ was treated with contempt but he didn’t respond in kind. He was full of righteous indignation. But instead of pouring out wrath on the world he absorbed God’s wrath on our behalf.

Jesus does not just tell angry people to do better. He gives angry people a new heart and new life. If you’ve not received that gift then the invitation is open today.