Commitments 1&2: Confession, Forgiveness, and Growth

Introduction

For the last four weeks, we have walked through the different seasons of relationships and defined the design, purposes, and model of singleness, dating, and marriage.

For the last three weeks in this series, I now want to focus in on sharing with you ways to have a healthy marriage one day (if God wills).

Most sermons to students only define what marriage is, but normally people don’t talk about how to work through the difficulties when they arise in marriage.

However, this is what this whole series has been about: to give you proper expectations about marriage so you can be as ready as you can be to have a godly, life-giving, and gospel centered marriage with your future spouse.

So I hope you will lean in with me over these next three weeks as we glean insights from God’s Word about how to not simply get married, but have a healthy and God-glorifying marriage that lasts a lifetime.

The six commitments we will walk through over these next three weeks are adapted from Paul Tripp’s fantastic book called Marriage: Six Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make.

Ashley and I read this book for our pre-marital counseling (along with some others), and I would highly recommend it.

Before we look at these commitments over the next few weeks, there is one thing I want to make crystal-clear. . . and this principle can be applied in your current relationships now with your family, friends, and neighbors.

Any relational issue, disagreement, beef, you have with another person is because there is first an issue with you and God.

In other words, any problem you have with others horizontally is because you first have a problem vertically with God.

Therefore, when we have conflict and strife with our future spouse, we must first asses how we have sinned against the Lord.

It is only through repentance and confession of our sin to the Lord and then receiving his forgiveness through faith in Christ that we will be able to practice confession and forgiveness with our spouse. . . or anyone else.

Commitment 1: Confession and Forgiveness

The first thing you need to remember when you get married is that you are a sinner who is marrying a sinner.

Even though God has redeemed us from our sin in Christ, we must recognize that we still struggle and will fight against sin.

This means we will sin against our spouse. . . which also means that, to have a healthy marriage, we must learn the practice of confession and forgiveness.

Paul Tripp says: “No change takes place in a marriage that does not begin with confession.”

Confession is hard because we don’t want to admit we have sinned and messed up.

However, the Bible teaches that confession of sin is a blessing and brings healing.

James 5:16 ESV

16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

2 Samuel 12:13 ESV

13 David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.

Psalm 32:1–5 ESV

1 Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. 2 Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. 3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah 5 I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah

Therefore, we need to see confession, not as a burden, but rather a gift of God’s grace.

The Grace of Confession

It is a grace to know right from wrong.

It is a grace to understand the concept of indwelling sin.

It is a grace to have a properly functioning conscience.

To see ourselves with accuracy.

Few things prevent change than a distorted sense of self.

It is only grace that protects us from self-righteousness (1 John 1:8).

We can be willing to listen and consider criticism and rebuke.

It is a grace to know that we can face our wrongs because Christ has carried our guilt and shame.

The Daily Habits of Confession

Be lovingly honest.

Be humble when exposed.

Don’t excuse.

Be quick to admit wrongs.

Put your hope in Christ.

Forgiveness

Harvest forgiveness rather than unforgiveness.

Galatians 6:7 ESV

7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.

Paul Tripp says: “Forgiveness is a vertical commitment that if followed by a horizontal transaction. . . Vertical forgiveness clears your heart of the baggage of bitterness and condemnation so that you can face her with her wrong in a way that is kind, patient, loving, humble, and encouraging.”

Forgiveness does not mean excusing the wrong or “grinning and bearing for the sake of the relationship.”

Oftentimes, this “escapism” is not loving our spouse, but rather loving ourselves because we don’t want to put ourselves in the uncomfortable conversations of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is. .

Judicial: entrust the offense to God who is alone able to judge.

Relational: giving of grace to one another.

Remember. . . You can’t forgive someone relationally who has not asked for it.

Forgiveness is more of a process than an event.

Forgiveness requires:

Humility

Compassion

Respond to your spouse with the same grace you have been given by God.

Trust

Self-Control and Sacrifice

Remembering

Remembering your own sin and need for forgiveness.

2. Commitment 2: Make Growth and Change Your Daily Agenda

Pulling Weeds and Planting Seeds

What happens when you neglect a garden? Your health? Any relationships?

Sin of inattention.

The Character of a marriage is not built in 3-4 big decisions. . . instead, it is built in the numerous little moments of saying yes to one thing and no to another.

If change is going to happen, God says two things must occur: destruction and construction.

Jeremiah 1:10 ESV

10 See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant.”

We must pull up weeds and plant new seeds.

One place we see this in the Bible very clearly is Galatians 5:13-26.

Galatians 5:13–26 ESV

13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. 16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Weeds you need to pull up and destroy:

Selfishness

The DNA of sin is selfishness.

Busyness

Inattention

Self-righteousness

Fear

Laziness

Instead of gratifying the desires of the flesh, we must seek to cultivate the seeds that produce the fruit of the Spirit.

Seeds you need to plant:

Love

Joy

Peace

Kindness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

Response

Paul said in Romans 13:9 that the whole law is summed up in this command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Those who love God above all else will love their neighbor as they love themselves.

Again, any problem we have in marriage or we have with current relationships is not because we don’t love one another enough. . . but it is because we don’t love God enough.

We must fix our relationship with God vertically before we can have healthy relationships with others horizontally.

We must remember and rehearse the gospel.