Your First Ministry

What version of you does your family get when no one else is watching?

That question matters more than we like to admit—because your first ministry isn’t what people see on a stage, it’s what your family experiences at home.

When Paul writes the book of Ephesians, he’s not writing into a healthy, God-centered culture. He’s writing to a city shaped by pagan worship, sexual immorality, and broken homes.

In that world, the Roman household was led by a paterfamilias—a man with near-total authority. Leadership wasn’t about love. It was about control.

So when Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives…” and “Fathers, do not provoke your children…”—this isn’t normal. This is radical.

He’s not reinforcing power—he’s redefining it.

He takes leadership and runs it through the example of Jesus. Now it looks like sacrifice. It looks like patience. It looks like consistency.

And here’s the tension. It’s easy to look spiritual in public. It’s much harder to live it at home. But according to Scripture, that’s where it matters most. Because your first ministry is not public—it’s personal.

If you have your bibles, go with me to the book of Ephesians chapter 5. We will begin at verse 22 and continue through chapter 6.

Ephesians 5:22–6:4 NIV

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Paul doesn’t start with roles—he starts with responsibility. So let’s look at the first place this plays out.

Marriage Reflects Christ

Before we get serious for a minute, let’s be honest, most people go into marriage with some interesting expectations. We think marriage is going to be like a romantic movie. You know—the music is always playing, the communication is flawless, disagreements last about 30 seconds, and somehow nobody ever argues about what to eat.

Then real life hits.

And suddenly marriage feels less like a movie and more like a group project where one person is doing all the work and the other one is asking, “What are we eating tonight?”

Or you realize, “Oh this isn’t a soulmate who completes all my dreams—this is a human being with opinions, habits, and a completely different way of loading the dishwasher.”

And here’s the problem—if your definition of marriage is built on happiness, chemistry, or convenience, you’re going to get frustrated fast.

Because Paul comes in and says something completely different.

Marriage isn’t primarily about your happiness. It’s about a picture. It’s a living, breathing reflection of Christ and the church.

Look at verse 25 again.

Ephesians 5:25 NIV

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

This isn’t about roles as much as it is about responsibility.

Take a moment and think bout the love that Christ has for His church.

First of all, what did Christ do for the church? He gave up His life so that the church could have eternal life.

There was nothing about this that was about Him. Everything that Christ did for the church was sacrificial. He gave Himself, so that the church could live.

And He did it on purpose. Christ willingly went to the cross for the church and gave up His life.

And Christ never stops working for the the church. He is consistent in everything that He does.

So, husbands, we are to be sacrificial, intentional, and consistent with our wives just as Christ was with the church.

And wives, submitting is not inferiority, but it is strengthening and supporting the mission of the home. The word submit here is not referring in a sense to obedience. As a matter of fact, obedience is never used in Scripture with respect to a wife’s relationship to her husband.

Marriage isn’t just companionship, but it’s a living picture of the gospel.

It takes both parties to make a marriage work. And it takes both parties communicating with one anther to make a marriage work.

Men part of leading your household is keeping the lines of communication open with your wives.

I know there are several men in the Old Testament that I could talk about concerning this subject. But for me I believe there is one that stands out above the rest.

His name is Joshua.

Joshua 24:15 NIV

15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

In Joshua 24, we come to the end of his life.

He is speaking to a nation that is drifting. They are surrounded by idols, compromise, and spiritual apathy. It sounds a lot like today.

He gathers everyone and says in verse 15, “Choose this day whom you will serve…”

But don’t miss this—before he ever calls the nation out, he calls his house up.

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

That’s not a catchy line. That’s not a moment of emotion. That’s a settled decision that had already been lived out behind closed doors.

Joshua didn’t build a public legacy and hope his family followed.

He built it at home first.

And that’s the tension we have to deal with today:

We live in a culture that celebrates public success but ignores private faithfulness. You can have a title, a platform, a reputation—and still be failing in the place that matters most.

But Scripture is clear:

Your first ministry is not what you do on a stage. Your first ministry is who you are at home.

Before you lead a church…

Before you influence people…

Before you make a difference out there…

You are called to lead right here.

Because if it’s not real in your home, it’s not real anywhere.

Just like Joshua chose to lead his household, men we have to make the decision that we are going to lead our household in a way that honors God.

2. Parenting Reflects the Father

Parenting has a way of exposing things in you that you didn’t even know were there.

You ever had your kid do something and you immediately think, “Where did they learn that?”

And then about two seconds later you realize, “Oh. That was me.”

They repeat your phrases. They copy your tone. They pick up your habits—good and bad.

It’s like living with a tiny, unfiltered version of yourself that follows you around all day.

I heard someone say one time, “Having kids is like watching your own sin patterns in high definition.”

And it’s funny, until it’s not.

Because whether you mean to or not, your kids are constantly forming their understanding of life—and of God—based on what they see in you.

Story of Mailey Repeating what I said when she was little

Paul says,

Ephesians 6:4 NIV

4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Because parenting isn’t just about raising kids, it’s about reflecting the Father they’re learning to trust.

The word translated “exasperate” in Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) comes from the Greek word parorgizō.

It literally means to provoke to anger, to stir up irritation, or to push someone toward frustration or resentment.

It’s not talking about a one-time mistake—it carries the idea of ongoing behavior that builds up anger over time.

So Paul isn’t saying, “Don’t ever upset your kids.”

That’s impossible. If you look at a teenage girl wrong, you have upset them, trust me.

He’s saying, don’t lead in a way that consistently frustrates, discourages, or crushes their spirit.

In context, this would include things like harsh, overly critical parenting. Or inconsistency, like rules changing depending on your mood. Have you ever given your kid unrealistic expectations. Or how about hypocrisy? That’s when we demand what we don’t model.

In other words, Paul is warning against a style of parenting that pushes a child away emotionally instead of drawing them in relationally.

You’re not just managing behavior—you’re shaping how your kids will understand authority, love, and ultimately God Himself.

Discipline is not an emotional reaction or you demanding control. However, it is giving them direction. Loving your kids within the boundaries that you set.

You are not just raising kids, but you are revealing what God is like to them.

When you look at the example that Joshua gave us. We see a man that led consistently. His household didn’t drift into serving God, but they were taught and led.

Think about what his family saw him leading them through. They witnessed the crossing of the Jordan river. They saw the walls of Jericho fall. They were there when he had to make the difficult decision of taking out Achan’s family. But more importantly they saw his constant devotion.

Joshua didn’t outsource spiritual formation. He didn’t say, “The priests will handle that.” or “The culture will shape them.” He took responsibility.

Your kids will learn more from your consistency than your correction.

Right now, your home is forming your children, either by design or by default. Which one is it?

3. Your Home is a Training Ground

It is easy for anyone to stand up here on this platform and look spiritual. It is easy for anyone to be in public and sound like they are spiritual.

But home is a different story. It is at home that your patience is revealed. It is at home that your integrity is revealed. It is at home that your consistency is revealed.

If Jesus Christ is not Lord at home, titles at church mean nothing.

And I’m not being harsh, I’m telling you the reality.

Joshua didn’t wait until a public moment to decide. When Joshua makes his public declaration in Joshua 24, it was a public declaration of a private conviction.

Joshua had already removed compromise from his house. Joshua had already established who they would serve. He had already led by example. That is why he could stand in front of a nation and say it with authority.

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Public leadership is just the overflow of private obedience.

So, today as I bring this message to a close, let me give you three things that you can take with you.

1. Lead in Humility

Admit when you are wrong.

Parents, drop the ego. Your family doesn’t need a perfect leader, they need a real one.

They need a leader that when the going gets tough, you don’t leave but you stick it out. You help walk them through the tough times just as well as the good times.

It’s easy to lead when everything is going good. They need to see that you are there when it gets bad.

2. Love Intentionally

Don’t assume that your family feels loved. Make sure that you show it consistently.

Schedule what matters.

For me, I have always tried to make every event that my kid was involved in.

There have been times this year that I missed a Wednesday night for a ballgame.

I am a parent first, before I have a pastor. If I save this church and lose my family then I am the biggest failure of all.

I want to make sure that my kids know that I love them and they are more important than this church.

3. Repent Quickly

The most powerful spiritual moment in your home might be when you apologize to your child. It might be when you own up to a failure to your spouse.

You don’t have to be right all the time. You can admit when you have made a mistake.

Don’t let it linger any longer than it has to. Go to the person that you made the mistake with and repent.

If you will apply all three of these things to your life, you will see that this models the gospel more than perfection ever will.

God wants to see healthy families. We want to see your families healthy. Connect Church wants to help families grow in what God has for them.

Let me close with this.

There’s a story about a man who was known in his church as a great leader. He served. He showed up. He was respected. People pointed to him and said, “That’s a solid man of God.”

But one day, after he passed away, his son was asked to speak at the funeral. Everyone expected stories about his leadership, his faith, his impact.

The son got up… paused… and said, “My dad taught a lot of people how to follow God. I just wish he had shown me.”

And the room went quiet. Because in that moment, it exposed a hard truth, you can impress a crowd and still neglect your calling at home.

Flip that for a second. Imagine a different ending.

Imagine a son or daughter standing up and saying, “My dad wasn’t perfect but he was real. He prayed with us. He owned his mistakes. He loved my mom well. He showed me what God is like.”

That’s success. That’s legacy.

You can’t build a strong church with weak homes. And you don’t fix that with better programs—you fix it with people who decide:

“As for me and my house… we will serve the Lord.”

That decision doesn’t start out there. It starts at home.