The Elephant in the Room
Notes
Transcript
A new family moved into town, and they visited the church for the first time. They liked the service, and through a conversation with the pastor after the service, they were invited to the pastor’s house for dinner later that week. The day came and this new family drove to the pastor’s house. They knocked on the door. They were welcomed inside. Dinner was still cooking and the smell of Italian food permeated the house. They were invited into the living room where the family was watching TV. The guests took their seats, but to their horror, they noticed the family dog had pooped right in the middle of the floor! Nobody seemed to be bothered by this! They were all just watching TV as if it wasn’t there. They looked at each other wondering, what do we do? Should we tell anybody? Do they not see that? Do they not care?
When something is present in a room that can’t be ignored, we call that the elephant in the room. If you walked in the room today and a live elephant was sitting in the corner, you would have questions. Why? Because there is never an elephant sitting in the corner of the room. What if you walked in, saw the elephant, but everyone else just went about their business like it wasn’t there? Everyone knows it’s there. They have just chosen not to address it. But the elephant in the room can’t be ignored. Someone has to address it.
Jacob was heading home. He was going to have to address the elephant in the room: Esau. To go back home is to address the context he left. He is expecting there is no version of this where he doesn’t face Esau. He knows it’s going to happen, which is why he divides up his people and resources in case this meeting goes south.
There comes a time when you must address the elephant in the room. But doing so is uncomfortable. Confronting reality is uncomfortable, but if we do, it can yield tremendous benefits.
As we take a look at this story, I want to share with you three principles for handling confrontation well.
Confrontation requires humility.
Confrontation requires humility.
The time has finally arrived for Jacob himself to come face to face with Esau. What I want you to see is Jacob’s posture as he approaches his brother.
Then Jacob lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, Esau was coming, and four hundred men with him. So he divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two maids.
He put the maids and their children in front, and Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last.
But he himself passed on ahead of them and bowed down to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.
How intimidating would it be if you knew you needed to go make peace with someone but you showed up to that person with a 400 person entourage? But look at what Jacob does. He bows to the ground seven times. This is as he’s on his way to meet Esau. So Esau is watching his brother come, who he hasn’t seen in 20 years, and you can be sure there is tension felt on both sides, watching his brother bow himself to the ground. This is Jacob’s way of expressing, “I’m not better than you.” His posture is demonstrating humility.
Philippians 2:3-4 says,
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Are you a humble person? Be careful about how you answer that! You don’t want to boast in your humility! Our Wednesday night group decided you know if you are humble if other people describe you as humble. If you have to tell people how humble you are, you aren’t very humble.
C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It is thinking of yourself less.” It is about being others-centered. You can stand tall and be humble, but if you need people to know how humble you are, you are not humble.
Addressing the elephant in the room is choosing to confront an issue. As you choose to confront an issue, a posture of humility says you don’t walk in the room with the mindset of, “I’m right. They’re wrong. And I’m going to show them how wrong they are!” A posture of humility demonstrates that you are keeping your ego in check. Your emotions are under control.
What does it take to take on a posture of humility? Remember that you are no more important than Christ. We are called to conform to the image of Christ. We are to daily increase in the character and competencies of Jesus. Humility is part of that equation. Read the rest of Ephesians 2 this week and ask the Spirit of God to reveal to you where you need humility.
The Goal: Restoration.
The Goal: Restoration.
The elephant in the room has to be addressed before he relieves himself in the room and then you really have a mess. The goal of confronting the elephant in the room is restoration or it is the wrong goal. I have no desire to boot people out or be mean to them. But I do love you so much that I don’t want you to stay where you are. That means sometimes we have to talk about hard things. But the goal is always that we can restore a relationship, whether that is with God, with me, or someone else.
Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.
He lifted his eyes and saw the women and the children, and said, “Who are these with you?” So he said, “The children whom God has graciously given your servant.”
Then the maids came near with their children, and they bowed down.
Leah likewise came near with her children, and they bowed down; and afterward Joseph came near with Rachel, and they bowed down.
And he said, “What do you mean by all this company which I have met?” And he said, “To find favor in the sight of my lord.”
But Esau said, “I have plenty, my brother; let what you have be your own.”
Jacob said, “No, please, if now I have found favor in your sight, then take my present from my hand, for I see your face as one sees the face of God, and you have received me favorably.
“Please take my gift which has been brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me and because I have plenty.” Thus he urged him and he took it.
This could have gone very different. Jacob was kind of anticipating it. But it didn’t. Esau embraced his brother. He was excited to see him. He accepted Jacob’s posture of humility. But Jacob wasn’t done. He presented a peace offering. Esau doesn’t want to take it, but Jacob insists.
The goal of confrontation must be restoration even if restoration is not the outcome. Restoration is the goal. It does not mean that restoration will be the outcome. It’s risky.
My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back,
let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.
“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.
Unless you have perfect relationships with everybody, you have someone in your life you need to talk to. There’s an elephant in the room. You want to address it, but addressing it is risky. Before you begin, ask yourself, “Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to bring them back?” Do you want to keep the relationship? Do you want it to be better than it is right now? Pray over this before you pick up the phone.
Confrontation doesn’t change God’s path.
Confrontation doesn’t change God’s path.
Once reconciliation had been made, Esau invited Jacob to come with him to Seir. This was in Edom, which is not in Canaan, the land God had promised, the land God called Jacob back to. But Jacob didn’t do to Seir. He went to Shechem.
Here’s what I want you to understand about this. Esau left expecting Jacob to show up, but he didn’t. Maybe Jacob planned to go, but God reminded him that wasn’t the plan. This chapter doesn’t say that, but maybe that is the case.
God’s plans are God’s plans. Conflict or confrontation does not deter from those plans. God will accomplish his plans. God has called you to something. Don’t let any relationship detract you from your calling. Be clear on God’s plans and walk in them. If you are not clear on God’s path right now, seek obedience where he has you until he gives clarity.
Confronting the elephant in the room is of extreme importance. You cannot afford to ignore it. If you leave the elephant in the room long enough, the room will stink, and the mess will be much harder to clean up!
The greatest elephant in the room is your sin, and the best news is Jesus confronted sin and death for you so that you may live. The greatest restoration of all time has already occured. Jesus confronted the elephant in the room to rescue you from you. Because he has done this, we are given the ministry of reconciliation, but it requires addressing the elephant in the room.
Because Jesus confronted sin to restore you, confront the elephant in the room in your life.
Because Jesus confronted sin to restore you, confront the elephant in the room in your life.
Life is too short to get hung up on elephants in the room. I say that knowing that I have allowed elephants to stay in the room a lot longer than I should. This week I was challenged by God to take a look at which elephants I have chosen not to address. I didn’t like the answer, because while a lot has changed over the years, I am still a man that doesn’t like to accept he is anything less than excellent.
Addressing the elephant in the room requires courage. It is not easy. If it was, I wouldn’t be preaching on it because we would all do it. If you want to sit in a room with elephant dung everywhere, be my guest. Don’t ever complain to me about it. I’m willing to accept that if I find myself in a room with elephant dung everywhere, it is at least in part my fault.
The sacrifice of Jesus, and a heart of humility, and a desire for greater peace and synergy in every relationship around me gives me the courage to address the elephant in the room. I don’t get it right every time, but I have to keep trying, because where I am now is not where I want to stay. I want to be better. I want to grow. I want you to grow. I want you to experience the richness of knowing how to walk closely with Jesus.
Addressing the elephant in the room doesn’t have to be an awful experience. If we can remain humble, set the goal of restoring the healthiness of a relationship, and remember that the outcome doesn’t change God’s path, we can have hard conversations where everyone comes out better.
What elephant in the room do you need to address? Maybe it is something in your personal life. Is it a sin that God is uncovering? Maybe you have been keeping a secret from your spouse. There is a friction between you and your child that you haven’t dealt with. Maybe someone in the church or at work is treating you unfairly. The longer you let the elephant stay in the room, the more it is going to stink. You may not need to address it today, but make a plan to do it soon.
