A God-Designed Marriage

The Real War

The sweetness has evaporated from their marriage. The friendship has faded away. The person they courted doesn’t seem to be the person they are now living with. There is distance, coldness, impatience, and conflict that weren’t there in the beginning. Sometimes a couple will settle for cold war, sometimes they will settle into marital truce, and sometimes they will nip at one another as if they are looking for any opportunity to express their dissatisfaction. Sometimes it becomes all-out war. Sometimes couples hide behind their busyness. Sadly, many couples just walk away, never fully understanding what happened to the relationship that once brought them so much joy.

There are few couples that understand the one thing they need to understand in order for lasting change to take place in their marriage. They think their battle is with the other, or they think the circumstances in which they find themselves are what need to change. But here is the reality: all of the horizontal battles are the fruit of a deeper war. The most important war, the one that needs to be won, is not the war they are having with each other, but a war that wages within them individually. Real change is all about winning this war.” — What did you expect? by Paul David Tripp

It feels a little strange to talk about war when we’re talking about marriage.

But if you’ve been married for any length of time, you know exactly what he’s talking about.

Marriage can feel like a battle at times.

Not always, but enough that you know something deeper is going on.

The problem, as Tripp points out, is that we tend to think the problem is our spouse or our circumstances.

“If she/he would just change…”

“If this situation were different…”

But the real battle is not outward—it’s inward.

The most important war, the one that needs to be won, is not the war they are having with each other, but a war that wages within them individually.

The issue underneath our marriages isn’t about behavior—it’s about posture.

Not how you’re sitting in your seat, but the position of your heart.

The way you come into your marriage.

The way you view yourself in relation to your spouse.

Your posture shapes everything.

It shapes how you fight.

It shapes how you forgive.

It shapes intimacy.

It shapes how you serve, how you love, how you speak, and how you make decisions.

And what Paul is going to show us in Ephesians 5 is that the defining posture of a healthy, godly marriage is Submission.

Now the moment we hear that word—submission—we tend to tense up a little.

We bring assumptions.

We bring baggage.

We think weakness, loss, being controlled, being diminished.

But what if that’s not what God means at all?

What if submission is not the problem in our marriages—but the missing piece?

What if the issue is not that there is too much submission—but far too little of it?

Stand as I read Ephesians 5:15-21

Ephesians 5:15–21 CSB

15 Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk—not as unwise people but as wise—16 making the most of the time, because the days are evil. 17 So don’t be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 And don’t get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless living, but be filled by the Spirit: 19 speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music with your heart to the Lord, 20 giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.

The Posture of a Gospel Marriage:

Here is the big idea for this morning: Submission is the posture of a gospel-shaped marriage.

The controlling command in what I just read is in verse 18: “be filled with the Spirit.”

Everything that follows is what a Spirit-filled life looks like.

It looks like worship—speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.

It looks like thankfulness to God—giving thanks always.

And it looks like submission—“submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

But before we even talk about submission in marriage, we have to understand that submission doesn’t start in marriage.

It starts with our posture toward Christ.

Because saving faith in Jesus begins with surrender.

With bowing our knees to Jesus—not just as Savior, but as Lord.

If we get the order wrong, everything else in this passage won’t make sense.

1) Submitted to CHRIST

The message of the gospel is not just that Jesus saves you—it’s that Jesus becomes your Lord.

You don’t just receive Him—you surrender to Him.

You lay down your right to rule your own life.

You stop insisting on your own way.

You trust Him enough to say, “Your will, not mine.”

And that changes you.

When you see Christ as the who humbled Himself, who served, who gave His life for you—submission is no longer loss.

It becomes worship.

You can see why this is the starting line.

When your life is submitted to Christ, the Spirit begins to reshape the position of your heart.

Instead of asking, “How do I get my way?” You begin to ask, “How do I worship Him?” “How can I make much of Him in my life?”

Instead of focusing on what is missing in life, you can live with gratefulness in what we have been given in Christ.

And instead of making your needs the center, you can begin to put the needs others in front of you.

The posture of a Gospel Marriage starts with a heart submitted to Christ.

And that leads directly into the second reality.

2) Submitted to ONE ANOTHER

The word “Submission” in the greek is “hypotasso”

It means to willingly place yourself under another for their good.

Not because they are better than you.

Not because they are more valuable.

Not because they are more powerful than you.

But because you are choosing to put their needs, their growth, and their good ahead of your own.

Paul expresses the heart of verse 21 powerfully in Philippians 2.

Philippians 2:3–4 CSB

3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. 4 Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.

This is the posture of marriage.

And Paul says it is mutual.

This is both husband and wife saying, “I will die to myself for your good.”

Mutual submission is death to self in order to serve the other.

It shows up in a hundred small ways.

It shows up in how you argue. Are you trying to win, or are you trying to understand?

It shows up in forgiveness. Are you keeping score, or are you extending grace the way Christ has extended grace to you?

It shows up in your priorities. Are you structuring your life around your preferences, or around what will best serve and love your spouse?

It shows up even in intimacy.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul says that in marriage, your body is not your own—you belong to one another.

That is a radical picture of mutual self-giving.

Submission says, “I am not the center of this marriage.”

Christ is.

And because Christ is, I am free to lay myself down.

But we need to be very clear here, because this is where confusion creeps in.

Mutual submission does not erase the roles God has designed for men and women in marriage.

Verse 21 is not meant to cancel out verses 22 through 33.

It is meant to create the environment where those verses can actually be lived out in a healthy, Christ-centered way.

Without verse 21, what follows in 22-33 can feel harsh, rigid, even oppressive.

But with verse 21, what follows becomes beautiful. Life-giving. And Christ-exalting.

3) Submitted to God’s DESIGN

Your bible probably has a subtitle between verse 21 and verse 22.

Suggesting that Paul is starting a whole new thought, but that isn’t the case at all.

The posture of mutual submission is expressed in the relationships Paul speaks about in the following verses.

First with Husbands and Wives, then with children and parents, and finally with servants and masters.

Verses 22-6:9 is Paul’s description of how verse 21 should be lived out in God-Designed relationships.

Paul doesn’t move from mutual submission to sameness.

He moves from mutual submission to distinct roles.

And that’s where our culture—and honestly, sometimes even the church—gets really uncomfortable.

The Bible teaches that men and women are equal in value, equal in dignity, equal in worth.

Both made in the image of God.

And at the same time, the Bible is just as clear that men and women are not the same.

They are different.

And that difference is not accidental. It is designed.

All the way back in Genesis 2, God creates Adam first and gives him responsibility.

Perfectly suited to come alongside him.

Don’t miss the point here: gender is front and center in creation.

It isn’t a social construct.

It isn’t something we can redefine based on preference or how we feel.

Gender is rooted in creation down to the chromosomal, anatomical, and physiological level.

“Generally speaking, God made men physically stronger, analytically inclined, and the initiator of the childbearing process. Women are often physically weaker and more emotionally and linguistically attuned than men, and they require physical initiation to bear children. The very bodies of women show that they are designed to nurture children, even if our culture wants to overlook these basic bodily realities. The wisdom of God’s will is embodied by the men and women who bear his image. What God has called women to be in spirit he has made them to be in body.” — Owen Strachan

Now, let me say something clearly.

This is not about stereotypes.

It’s not about “real men wear boots and drive trucks and hunt and fish.”

If that’s the definition of manhood, a lot of godly men don’t qualify.

It isn’t about cultural expressions of masculinity or femininity.

The point is God’s design.

Men are called to loving, sacrificial leadership.

Women are called to willing, strong, intelligent support.

And, in God’s wisdom and creative, He has designed us to function in these roles.

“There is a difference [between men and women]; a difference that should not be eradicated but celebrated; not confused but clarified. These are truths we should happily embrace, not be shamefully embarrassed about.” -- Kevin DeYoung

Briefly share about watching a dance show.

Two people playing their role to create something beautiful.

The beauty comes from the celebration of their differences.

When we reject or redefine God’s design, we don’t improve marriage, we destroy it.

4) Submitted to the BATTLE

The battle for marriage started not long after it began.

Genesis chapter 2 is the beautiful story of the first marriage.

And then, Genesis 3 is the story of when marriage became a battle.

After the fall, the relationship between man and woman is fractured.

Instead of harmony and trust, there is tension struggle.

They begin to move away from their roles.

Men either become passive—like Adam, who stood silently while the serpent deceived Eve

or they become harsh and domineering.

And women either resist and reject leadership, or they try to take control.

And if we’re honest, we see this everywhere.

In our culture, there are massive efforts to blur, redefine, or even deny gender distinctions altogether.

And that confusion doesn’t stay out there.

It shows up in our homes.

Not in the extremes of gender confusion, gender dysphoria, or LGBTQ issues.

It shows up in how husbands engage with their wives and families.

In the priorities that govern our lives.

We pour ourselves into work, hobbies, sports, anything that keeps us busy and distracted.

We may say, “I’m providing.” And yes, provision matters.

But financial provision is not the full calling of a husband.

You are called to lead, to guide, to set the spiritual tone of your home, to step up, not check out.

It shows up in wives who either resist and reject their husband's leadership.

the temptation can be to resist, to control, or to take over when leadership is absent or weak.

And we understand where that comes from.

But the answer to weak or broken leadership is not to erase the role—it’s to redeem it.

Here’s the reality:

The struggles we face in marriage are not random.

They are rooted in a misunderstanding of—or a rejection of—God’s design.

And that brings us to something we cannot miss.

Right after he talks about marriage and family, Paul goes straight into spiritual warfare in chapter 6.

Ephesians 6:10–12 CSB

10 Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by his vast strength. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens.

This isn’t and accident, Paul is telling us something.

Marriage is not just relational.

It is spiritual.

One of the primary battlefields in Satan’s war against God’s kingdom is the home.

Because marriage is meant to display something.

Remember what verse 32 says: “this mystery is profound, and it refers to Christ and the church.”

Our marriages are pictures of the gospel.

So if Satan can distort that picture, he can obscure the gospel.

If he can confuse roles, he can corrupt marriages.

If he can corrupt marriages, he weakens families.

And if he weakens families, he weakens the church.

No wonder this feels like such a fight...Because it is.

So what do we do?

We come back to verse 21. “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

We start with the posture.

Laying ourselves and our marriages down before Christ.

The call this morning is simple, but not easy.

Submit yourself first to Christ.

Then, in your marriage, choose daily to die to yourself.

Serve your spouse.

Pursue their good.

And trust that God’s design is good, wise and beautiful—even when it pushes against your feelings or our culture.

Over the next two weeks, we’re going to get really specific.

What does this look like for wives?

What does this look like for husbands?

But if we don’t get this first, we will get all of that wrong.

Because the posture of a gospel-shaped marriage is this:

Mutual submission, lived out in God-designed roles, for the glory of Christ.

Let’s pray.