Disagreeing Well

Introduction

The Scripture records:

Acts 15:39 “39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed off to Cyprus.”

The context of this verse? Paul and Barnabas have a disagreement, one that we don’t fully know the resolution of. We do know that eventually Paul will find reconciliation with Mark that caused him to not partner in ministry with him at Acts 15.

The point, is that even the “super” Christian, Paul had a disagreement with fellow believers. Paul had another disagreement with Peter that was very public and was resolved.

Prior to Paul’s ministry the early church had a disagreement on ministry to Hellenistic Jewish widows and those who were Hebraic.

Conflict is recorded in the Old Testament between the brothers of Jacob and Esau. We see conflict with Moses and his siblings. Even Jesus’ own family prior to believing He was the Messiah had conflict with Him.

The point? Conflict is a part of the human experience. Disagreement is a part of the human experience. It is inevitable. Spouses have conflict, parents and children, siblings, co-workers, even churches.

Our sermon series for the next few weeks has been planned for month to break from Genesis. It comes from my reading of a short book entitled, “The Art of Disagreeing”. Principles of the book will be utilized to help shape each week’s sermon.

It seems that conflict is on the rise more easily than its ever been in our culture. How we handle disagreement and conflict is of my particular interest. Conflict cannot be avoided and cannot be swept under a rug. Conflict must be handled by those who claim Christ as Savior in the manner and Spirit of Christ.

Why? Because too much is at stake to not.

What causes us to not handle conflict well?

Climate of Outrage

In our culture there has been crafted and cultivated a climate of outrage. It doesn’t matter if it is political, ethical, moral, spiritual, etc there is present to simply be outraged at whatever we disagree with.

To be honest, much of this comes from social media and the internet. It has become the fertilized cess pool of outrage and what has become known as cancel culture.

The sad reality is that even if you or I stay away from much of the social media world, we are still influenced by what it has created.

Gavin Ortlund, author of the book I spoke of said this,

Whether we realize it or not, the algorithms are playing off of envy, anger, and narcissism. Even those who steer clear of social media live in a world that is increasingly shaped by it.

I want you to think for a minute when you are in conflict or a disagreement with someone. Do you first take a step back to think it through or simply react in emotion? Regardless of what words are said, feelings are felt, or actions taken?

The climate of outrage that surrounds us and impacts us tends to lead us to reaction in emotion first.

I had a wonderful mentor in my first years of ministry. One time I recieved an email from a parent and church member who was being critical and it appeared rather mean about me. I took it to him for some help in mediation. He read it and decided to respond on my behalf. Now, to be fair, there were some things that needed to be addressed concerning me, but also the manner in which things were expressed.

However, my mentor responded in his emotion and wrote an email back that was somewhat hard. He was coming to the defense of a young ministry, still very much learning, and probably was harsher than needed to be.

We eventually got things cleared up, but he confessed to me that he made a mistake in responding immediately in emotion. A lesson I have kept with me and a lesson I have relearned a time or two since.

Ephesians 4:26–27 “26 Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and don’t give the devil an opportunity.”

What is Paul saying here? We must be careful to not react in our emotion, especially in anger. Emotion clouds judgment and rational reflection.

Disagreement requires virtues unnatural to us.

Ortlund states,

Healthy disagreements will draw all of us beyond our natural strengths. It will require stretching into new (often uncomfortable) territory. For this reason, the ability to engage in healthy disagreement is a good general test of maturity.

Our natural inclinations in conflict are either fight, flight, or freeze. With each of those are typically emotional responses and traits we have that impact our responses.

Fighters are like bulls who charge into the conflict full steam of emotion. Anger, frustration, heartache, etc just lead them into going after the person.

Flighters simply avoid the conflict altogether. They won’t engage in any capacity and just become cold and distant to the person they are in conflict with. Or they simply shove whatever the conflict is under the rug and put on the fake smile like everything is okay.

Freezers bear some similarities to flighters, but they internalize it all which ultimately leads them to avoid the conflict. Often freezers become shut down in the relationship they may have with the person(s) in conflict.

The reality it is that we do these more naturally than what Scripture calls us to. We are called to confront conflict, but the manner in which we confront matters greatly.

Paul confronts the church at Corinth with both letters. At times in a very blunt way, but not without still grace, love, and compassion.

In Philippians 4:2–3 “2 I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to agree in the Lord. 3 Yes, I also ask you, true partner, to help these women who have contended for the gospel at my side, along with Clement and the rest of my coworkers whose names are in the book of life.”

Paul addresses that 2 ladies in the church come to an agreement in the Lord and for the church to help them.

But, our sin nature gets in the way of addressing conflict and disagreement as the Lord sees fit. We looked at Genesis 3 weeks ago and we saw with Adam and Eve they lacked ownership of their action, they blamed someone else, and they tried to hide(flight) in their shame.

The Lord, in His redemption and grace pulls them into properly dealing with their issue.

The Gospel Centered Approach to Conflict

Matthew 18:15-22

Jesus is laying out guidelines for conflict among believers, particularly those issues related to sin. We can of course take the principles here and apply them to any conflict.

Go to the person to express the hurt, sin, or conflict.

We don’t go looking for a fight, we don’t bury our heads in the sand, we don’t just internalize. We confront.

Note, the confrontation is to win your brother. Not win an argument or cast stones.

We confront to reconcile and restore relationship.

Wrongs need to be made right, but as believers we are to be more concerned about the restoration of relationship before we are even the righting of wrong.

We don’t air dirty laundry of others, but seek help to find reconciliation.

When our personal attempts fail, we must find trusted individuals in the church to help us.

Again, this is not about seeking condemnation, but restoration.

When all attempts have been made to reconcile and we are continuously met with hard hearts, we turn them over to the Lord.

This is the point when all we can do is pray for the Lord to change a heart- both our own and the one with whom we have conflict.

This process of forgiveness and reconciliation has no bounds.

We are infinitely forgiven by the Lord and we are called to infinitely forgive. The nature of a relationship may change, but the reality is that people will fail us and let us down. People will be people and have conflict. You will fail and hurt others. It is inevitable, though should be less and less by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit.

Forgiveness must be perpetual for you and the other person(s).

Gospel Centered Conflict Resolution Matters

Why does the manner in which we handle conflict as Christians matter? Because the gospel matters.

The gospel is the ultimate picture of conflict resolution. As sinners who offends a holy God, we are broken in relationship to Him. We must be forgiven and made right to be reconciled.

God the Father sends His one and only Son to this world to take on the punishment of our sin, to redeem us from our place of offense, to make us right with God by being and granting us righteousness, and perpetually standing as our Advocate.

When we choose to not resolve conflict with others, what does that say about the gospel of Jesus?

Jesus said it this way. Turn to John 13:34-35 with me.

We are commanded to love one another.

A new command given to disciples in Him- Love one another just as He loves us.

Now, this love is not some hippy dippy love. Let’s just get along and never have any conflict. Never to call out sin or hurts. What is the love of Christ? Jesus has told them 3 separate times that He must die. One of those Peter tells Jesus it won’t happen.

Matthew 16:21 “21 From then on Jesus began to point out to his disciples that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders, chief priests, and scribes, be killed, and be raised the third day.”

Love means sacrifice, surrender, commitment before it is a feeling. In fact, the love expressed by Jesus to us superceedes feeling. Jesus Himself asked for the cup of wrath and the cross to pass from Him. His feelings were not to endure it, yet the Father said it must be done. Love says the will of God is first in all things.

Paul described love this way:

1 Corinthians 13:1–8 “1 If I speak human or angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give away all my possessions, and if I give over my body in order to boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. 6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends…

There is nothing of feeling present in these verses describing love. It is all about a choice. I choose to not be rude. I choose not to keep a record of wrongs. I choose to find the joy in truth. I choose to be patient, kind. I choose to bear all things, hope, and endure.

Remember, this passage of the letter as written to a church in great conflict and disagreement. Division, acceptance of sinful behavior, wild worship, etc.

How we disagree well displays the gospel.

Jesus continues in John 13 that by the way we love one another everyone (inside and outside the church) will know that we are disciples of Jesus.

Meaning failure to disagree well often discredits our witness to the gospel of Jesus. The world takes notice of how we deal with conflict and disagreement. Look at the internet and see both the good and bad, though mostly the bad. They take notice.

Ortlund said it this way,

When we conduct disagreements without love and without appreciation of our broader unity, we become a hinderance to the gospel. We put a stumbling block before the watching world…yet at the same time, our disagreements present us with opportunity. If we can learn how to love each other amid our differences, our very disagreements can commend the reality of Christ to those around us.

He then raises the stakes once more: “How we disagree affects eternal souls.”

Authentic Christianity isn’t the CareBears on steroids. Authentic Christianity understands that disagreements, conflicts, and sin will take place, but because of the gospel of Jesus Christ we are not held by these things any longer.

When they arise, we display the gospel in how we approach said disagreements, conflicts, and sin as Christ has approached us in ours with God the Father.

Conclusion

This sermon is more introductory to our subject matter. We will diver deeper into aspects of kindness, courage, and listening in disagreements. For some of us, this may sound superficial or Christian-lite. The reality it is not.

For others, you may say this is really hard and I don’t know that I can do what is being expected of me. I have faced some pretty deep hurts and this is hard. How can I forgive, love, reconcile?

For both, I want to end with one last Scripture account. Acts 6 and 7 is the account of Stephen who preached the gospel of Jesus to those in opposition to him. He boldly, courageously proclaims the truth of Jesus in love even though the message was hard.

He is taken out of the city and stoned for his message. Stephen in this moment does not return stone for stone, insult of insult. In fact, he says, Lord don’t hold this sin against them. Sound familiar? “Lord, forgive them for they know not what they are doing.”

How did Stephen endure all that was taking place? How did Stephen with stones being hurled at him proclaim forgiveness?

Acts 7:55 “55 Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven. He saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.”

He kept his focus on Jesus. In this case, he physically saw Jesus, but you see what I am saying here.

Forgiveness, reconcilation, loving like Jesus are possible for every disciple when we focus on Him and His will before, during, and after the circumstances.

For the sake of the gospel, for the watching world around us, lets be a people who learn and practice disagreeing well.

For the joy complete that comes in obedience to the will and Word of God, lets be a people who learn and practice disagreeing well.