Resolving Conflict

"It will fall apart a lot worse if Frank goes after them with a bat! I'm going to call right now and postpone the meeting until we can do something with Frank."

"OK, but I won ' t let him hold this sale up forever. You've got two days to get him out of here, Jenny, and after that I'll come back with my own bat. I'm sure John and Matt will be happy to join me."

Joe stormed over to his car and drove out of the farmyard, venting his anger by spinning a wave of gravel across the yard.

As Jenny drove back to town, she felt utterly trapped between her four brothers. Ever since their mother died, they had been fighting over the farm. Frank had been born with a disability that had kept him at home all his life. In the early years, their mother had cared for him, but as her health failed, Frank became the caregiver, rarely leaving her side. When she finally succumbed to a massive stroke, Frank's world collapsed.

Things got worse when their mother's will was read. She and their dad had established a trust many years earlier to provide for Frank. In their wills they left the farm equally to their other four children. Now that both parents were dead, Joe, John, and Matt wanted to sell the property as quickly as possible. When they told Frank, he was terrified at the prospect of moving out of the only home he had ever lived in. As he resisted the idea, heated arguments ensued, and now Frank was cornered in the lonely farmhouse.

Although Jenny needed the money from the sale as much as her brothers did, she did not like the idea of forcibly evicting Frank. The three brothers were oblivious to his fears and determined to push ahead. Jenny felt powerless to stop them.

Then she remembered that her pastor had recently attended a seminar on biblical peacemaking. A brief call to him led to a meeting that night, which resulted in an intense discussion with three of her brothers.

What followed was passionate pleas on why each of them should get their way in the settling of their mother’s estate. Finally, the pastor mentioned something they hadn’t considered. “All of you profess to be Christians. So, what is the difference between the way you are handling this conflict and the way a good atheist would handle it?"

After several moments of awkward silence, Joe finally replied, "I'm not sure I see your point."

"Let me put it another way. What is more important to you in this situation: to get your money as soon as possible, as most people would, or to demonstrate the love of Christ to your brother?"

"Oh, I see," said John, "You want us to be good little Christians who just give in to others and walk away from what's rightfully ours."

"No, that's not what I'm saying. God loves justice, and he certainly wants you to respect your parents' wishes. But there is something he wants even more: to see you treating one another in a way that shows the power of the gospel in each of your lives."

"That sounds good, Pastor," Joe replied, "but I just don't see how religion applies to this problem."

"If you really want to know, let's pray together right now and ask God to show you how you can resolve this conflict in a way that honors him and fulfills your parents' wishes."

God answered their prayers in a way Joe had never expected.

Three weeks later the entire extended family gathered together in the banquet room of a local restaurant. Jenny had somehow overcome Frank's fears and persuaded him to leave the house and join the family for dinner. Twelve nephews and nieces watched with rapt attention as he walked into the room and nervously sat down at one end of the table.

As the eldest son, Joe asked for everyone's attention." Frank, our family is gathered together today to honor you. For the past ten years you devoted yourself to caring for Mom. Today we want to present you with this special plaque. It says, "To our brother, Frank, the best of all sons, who cared for our mother with selfless love and undying devotion. Your companionship filled her life with joy and delight and was a constant reminder to her of the love of God. With deepest gratitude to a wonderful brother, from Joe, John, Jenny, and Matt."

Tears welled up in Frank's eyes as Joe handed him the plaque. Before he could speak, Joe handed him an envelope. "Frank," he went on," in appreciation for all you did for Mom, we want to give you this gift. It is an agreement we have all signed that gives you a life estate in the farmhouse. That means you will be able to stay there as long as you live. We found a buyer who is willing to purchase the rest of the farmland. Ownership of the house will eventually pass to our children. But as long as you want to live there, we want you to know that it is your home."

As Frank clutched the envelope, the dam of emotions finally burst. Months of uncertainty and fear gave way to sobs of relief and gratitude. As Joe leaned over and hugged his brother for the first time in years, Joe's teenage son leaned toward his sister and whispered, "Maybe there is a God after all, because there's no way Dad would have done this on his own."

Conflict can cause so many emotions and difficulties in lives. Especially when the stakes are high. How we deal with conflict can be a great testimony to others, whether good or bad. In this instance, it turned out well because the people involved brought it to God to help them resolve it. Today, I want to continue looking into the topic of conflict, and observe how people OFTEN deal with it, and how it SHOULD be dealt with.

The title of my message is: Conflict Catastrophe: Part 2 ~ Resolving conflict. In our message today we are going to examine how to best deal with resolving conflict catastrophes (like the story I read).

Today, let’s dig into learning how to best resolve conflict in a heathy way. In order to do that, I want to first observe…

Body

I. How People Often Deal With Conflict

(skip quickly through this to save time)

I want to put my own language on how I see people often deal with conflict in unhealthy ways. These responses are similar to how people deal ineffectively with trauma and stress (fight, flight, freeze). Here’s how I see many people respond to conflict:

Loud and Proud (Attack)

I know people that when conflict comes, they yell and scream. They bulldoze. They steamroll the opposition. They will win a fight at all costs. It doesn’t matter who is in the way or what happened. Their resolution to conflict is often to ramrod the person causing the conflict. Or to yell them down. Do you know these kind of people? For them, it is “my way or the highway.” Or at least yell the person into surrender or submission. This “attack” style of conflict resolution is very dangerous and very destructive. And yet many people cope with conflict this way. I grew up around people who did this. Maybe you did, too?

Quiet and passive (Escape)

Some people when conflict arises get really quiet and passive. They run away and hide. Perhaps they avoid the conflict in hopes that it will resolve itself on its own. Or maybe they just don’t want to deal with it, so they act like it isn’t there. By being passive and quiet, they hope the problem will mysteriously and miraculously disappear. But in reality, this is rarely ever happens. What usually happens? The problem gets worse. And you feel worse. Sometimes, more people get sucked into the problem and it grows. On top of all that, others see that you aren’t resolving the issue, so they learn that avoidance is an acceptable form of conflict resolution so it perpetuates lack of healthy conflict resolution. This is a typical flight or escape response.

“Out of Order” (Ignore)

When a machine stops working or is broken, we put an “out of order” sign on it. It is no longer in use. It is shut down until it is fixed. During conflict resolution, some people go completely “out of order.” They freeze just like people do when danger comes. They shut down. They completely avoid making decisions or doing anything. They crawl into their hole, or curl up into a ball inside. Their thinking goes haywire and they can’t think. By freezing and shutting down, they can’t respond. So, instead of making bad decisions, they make NO decisions. (which in itself is often a really bad decision – especially in regards to conflict). These kind of responses get people knocked down, and the like in boxing, the referee is counting them out. They may try to get up, but they are wobbly and often can’t get up. They are down for the count. They are stuck. This is definitely an unhealthy way to deal with conflict. And it leads to ways where conflict never gets resolved in a healthy manner.

All three of these are unhealthy ways that I have seen people deal with conflict (and may have even done myself). You may have grown up with one or more of these ways. You may have learned to deal with conflict in many of these ways by what you were modeled in your home, a classroom, or even in a church. After all, if you don’t know any better, you revert back to what was modeled to you. (When I get super tired, I often revert back to the way that was modeled to me, sometimes yell, sometimes shut down, sometimes avoid.

But here is the good news. You don’t have to continue to respond to conflict in unhealthy ways that you have seen, learned, or even done in the past. You can change how you deal with conflict so that what you respond in ways that are healthy.

Today, I want all of us to look was we can all deal with conflict in our lives that are healthy and biblical. The bible teaches us how we should address conflict. So, lets learn from God. We are blessed that the God of the universe has given us the right and best ways to deal with conflict.

II. How To Best Address Conflict (Biblically)

There are two considerations we should look at that the Bible addresses when dealing with conflict. These two things are very important. The first is…

The Right Approach

The way you approach conflict is as important, or perhaps more important than what you do to resolve conflict. The Bible gives us insight into what is included in the right approach.

Have the right motive.

The goal of conflict resolution is more than just getting rid of the thorn in your side, or making your life better. It should be about restoring right relationship with those who are affected or broken. You shouldn’t try and win an argument, but instead you win a person. Relationships are restored/repaired when conflict is resolved. The right motive … is all about relationships.

Do you know what I believe breaks the heart of God more than just about anything? Broken relationships. This includes broken relationships with Him, and broken relationships existing between people that He created. This is why God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). And gossip (Rom. 1:29). And anything else that breaks relationship (dissension, malice, hatred, etc.).

Jesus, in fact, brings up the importance of this idea of having the right motive in conflict resolution in Matthew 18:15 (which we will look at in more detail later). In the process of resolving conflict, Jesus says, “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” The primary motive of resolving conflict is not the issue itself. It is preserving and reconciling damaged relationships. [That’s what the pastor was trying to emphasize to the family in the story I opened with]. Who cares if you win the argument if you lose the person? People ought to be the motive.

The second factor in approaching conflict that is vitally important is…

Bring the right attitude

When I think of having the right attitude, what comes to mind is the verse found in Romans 12:14. It says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” When conflict arises with another person, how do we normally respond? We normally want to lash out, curse, or bludgeon somebody with our words. “Fight fire with fire,” we say? We like to respond the same way, or even greater than the way we are confronted.

But that’s not how we are supposed to be. We are to bless and not curse. We are to turn the other cheek. We are to be peacemakers. That is not only difficult, but contrary to everything that comes naturally. How many times do we come with an attitude of blessing when there is a conflict? I can tell you that it does not come natural for met to bless. I want to bless with a baseball bat, as somebody once said.

I think Jesus is also addressing this kind of attitude in Matthew 7:3-5 when he said, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?...You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” How many times are we interested in telling the other person how wrong they are and how right we are? That kind of attitude won’t get us anywhere. It’s not about, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” It’s about how can we resolve this situation with the right attitude. How can I bless and not curse?

Optional: How many of you remember when you were kids and somebody (maybe a parent) told one sibling to say to another, “Tell them you are sorry.” And they child reluctantly said, “I’m sorry.” And you know that deep down the child wasn’t really sorry. Their attitude was bad. They weren’t sorry, or they were only sorry that they got caught and had to say they were sorry (even though they weren’t). That’s (again) the wrong attitude, because saying sorry doesn’t mean you are sorry. We need to have the right attitude.

I know I am spending a lot of time addressing our attitude. It’s because if we don’t address the conflict with the right attitude, we may never resolve the conflict adequately. (Even if we say the right things and go through the proper steps). Your attitude is the foundation of resolving conflict appropriately.

Speak gently.

Galatians 6:1 says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” The word translated gently can also be translated “humbly” or “meekly.” According to one commentary, this Greek word “denotes the humble and gentle attitude which expresses itself in particular in a patient and submissiveness to offense, free from malice and desire for revenge.” When you approach conflict, you shouldn’t have the attitude that says, “I gotcha” or “I am going to win.” It should be with a gentle demeanor saying, “I don’t want to do this, but I know it is what is best for everyone.” We need God to help us speak what he wants us to say to resolve a matter that speaks gentle and humble so that our relationship is preserved.

Illustration: I remember my Mom telling me a story that illustrates this. She said the Lord revealed to her that a spiritual leader had been dabbling in some inappropriate behavior (flirting with a married woman). The Lord wanted my Mom to confront this person. How many of you would sign up for that assignment? I wouldn’t. She said she had to first work through her attitude with the Lord before she could speak gently to the person. She didn’t want to confront the person and have it blow up in her face. So, she prayed through her heart attitude, and then approached the person with a humble heart and gentle words. The result was that the leader received the words graciously and repented. Looking back, what would have happened if she had come with a bad attitude and words of pride saying things like “shame on you” or “you’re busted, buddy.” I would guess the outcome would have been drastically different (and may have strained or ruined the relationship between the person and my Mom, and possible between that person and God.) But by getting her attitude right and speaking humbly, it increased the chance of success. It was probably the difference between a good outcome and a lousy one.

Optional: Somebody summarized it this way, “Say what you mean, don’t be mean in what you say.”

Be willing to put in the effort.

Conflict resolution can sometimes be as easy as simple words or a simple decision to alleviate the problem. But often it takes much more effort than that. It takes commitment. It takes energy. It takes a steadfastness to work through the conflict, especially when the issue is big. Sometimes it takes multiple steps to resolve conflict (we will talk about this more later).

We must be willing to do what is necessary if we want to see good fruit from our actions. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” I believe this can be applied in the area of working through conflict as well as other areas. Are you willing to put in the effort and energy needed to resolve conflict biblically?

If so, then let’s look at the steps that you need to do.

B. Simple Steps To Follow

I love what Ken Sande wisely notes in his book “The Peacemaker.” He says the principles in the Bible given for conflict resolution are meant to lead to peace. But, he says these steps have “proven to be universally countercultural. No matter what race or country we come from, none of us is naturally inclined to obey Jesus’ commands to love our enemies, confess our wrongs, gently correct others, submit to our church, and forgive those who hurt us. In fact, left to our own instincts, we are disposed to do just the opposite.” That is why we need to learn what the Bible says and begin to adopt its practices when it comes to conflict resolution. We need to learn the steps involved in addressing conflict the best way possible so that we can live the life God calls us to.

The best model found in scripture is located in Matthew 18:15–17. (BTW, There is also a summary passage in Titus 3:10 that follows this same pattern in one verse. ) Here’s what it says: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

There are four steps listed in this passage to help guide us in conflict resolution

#1: First, take the direct approach.

Attack it head on. Don’t beat around the bush. The Bible says clearly in verse 15, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” The first step is the direct approach. Go directly to the person you have a conflict with. You can’t leave this out. Most problems would get resolved if we would just do this.

Instead, we go to everyone but the person and it causes more problems. Why do so many people try to do everything backwards, or tell others instead of going directly to the person? Maybe it is easier, or maybe they were modeled it incorrectly and learned this unhealthy way. Are we so afraid of confrontation that we are willing to make things worse? Perhaps. Are we afraid of the person so much that we avoid them? Possibly. Are we afraid of the unknown? For many that is true.

How about instead of talking to everyone else, we learn to do it God’s way and go directly to the person? So many problems would be resolved quicker and easier if we did. But, we have a tendency to do things like Miriam and Aaron did in the Bible. They complained about Moses and his wife behind his back and got the people all riled up. This created all kinds of rebellious attitudes and sin. Instead of going to directly to Moses (or God), they stirred up trouble by taking the indirect approach and complaining about things to other people. Using a statement in the book of James, “Brothers this ought not be.” (James 3:10). Our mouth shouldn’t bring forth both cursing and blessing at the same time, and it shouldn’t talk good to a person’s face and bad behind their back. How many think things go better for everyone if we do it the right way? I do!

And yet, I find that even in a church full of people who have been transformed by the power of the gospel and filled with the Holy Spirit of God, people still have not developed this simple formula of how to deal directly with situations. We fall into the trap of going to others first instead of directly to the person. And yet, the Bible clearly states here that we are to go first to the person that we have the conflict with. NOT other people. NOT complaining behind a person’s back (Did you know what so-and-so did?). NOT treating our assumptions and feelings as fact. We need to practice going directly to the person we have an issue with. Talk to him. Try to understand. Ask questions. Clarify. Get their side. Share your feelings if needed. Share how what you thought they meant when they said something. More times than not what you assumed was true was NOT what they meant or intended. The first step in resolving conflict should ALWAYS be direct. Amen?!

P.S. We would save ourselves a lot of heartache and trouble if we would do this!

#2: Next, enlist some extra help.

Verse 16 says, “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

Most of us like to stop after the first step and write off the relationship as unsalvageable, or the problem as unresolvable. But there is more that needs to be done. According to the Bible, we need to learn to involve other people if the direct approach doesn’t initially work. (BTW, I would guess than a vast majority of all problems are resolved in step #1 before we get to this step). In verse 16 we are instructed to bring in others to help resolve at step #2. This may take some effort and intentional energy. This may also take maturity. This may even be uncomfortable (at first) - especially if we are not used to it. But it is worth it. It is the next step in saving a relationship. (Remember we resolve conflict not to win an argument, but to save a relationship).

Step 2 (like Step#1) is not natural for many people because they’ve never been taught to do this. But it is necessary. Sometimes we need to bring in a third party. Sometimes it is helpful to bring in somebody that isn’t directly involved in the situation. Maybe they have better perspective on the issue. Maybe they just can be a support in case the issue needs to go to more steps for resolution. Maybe they can bring calm and a peace to the environment (I know people who are like that). Whatever the reason, it can be very helpful to bring in others. They can bring wisdom, perspective, accountability, peace, and so much more to the situation.

But for some reason, we don’t like to do this. Maybe it sounds too much like work to bring other people into it. Maybe it is just strange because we have never done this. But remember, our goal is to not only resolve the conflict, but to keep the relationship. In order to do that, we MUST learn to put in the extra effort required – even if it means bringing other people into it.

Side note: Notice at this point, it’s not about winning or ambushing another person with people to help you win the argument. It is about resolution and relationship. Too often, people who have the wrong attitude want to go to war instead of bring peace. We would rather destroy the person or get people to feel sorry for us than to resolve the issue in a healthy manner. We need to be careful here. By having witnesses involve, we are not ganging up. We are trying to resolve peacefully and help keep the relationship intact.

#3: Get church leadership involved.

Matt. 5:17 moves us to the third step, which rarely happens. It says, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” If a person doesn’t want to resolve the situation or listen to reason, this is where it gets tough. It needs bigger guns (so to speak) brought in. What are the big guns? God’s people in authority need to intervene. Somebody needs to hear things out and be the final say in hoping to resolve the conflict and relationships before they are irreparable. This responsibility, according to the Bible, rests on the church as a whole. Who in the church, you might ask? It’s leaders. It’s authorities. God has appointed leaders in the church to not only preach and teach and administrate. But also to help resolve conflicts. Remember in the Old Testament, Moses was resolving disputes from morning until night all by himself. Then God brought his father-in-law Jethro in to tell him there needed to be others involved. So they appointed trustworthy men to help. (see Exodus 18:13-26). God raises up leaders that can help people in many ways – including resolving disputes. He gives them godly wisdom and authority.

Example: I think of the situation when King Solomon was brought two mothers who both claimed that the baby was theirs. With God’s wisdom, Solomon said the way to resolve it was to cut the baby in half and give half to each woman claiming to be the mother. The imposter agreed to it, but the real mother would not let that happen. Solomon knew that a real mother would not let her baby be harmed, so he gave the baby to the real mother.

How many times does God give divine wisdom to leaders to help resolve disputes that maybe we are missing as individuals? He gives insight and perspective that we cannot see. I have seen it at board meetings even recently. Tough situations turned out much better because we used God’s wisdom to guide us.

Don’t be afraid to bring your matter before the church leadership if you can’t resolve it in the first two steps. God has given these leaders to the church for a reason. And he divinely equips them, to fulfill the responsibilities that he has called them to.

#4: When all else fails, exhibit tough love.

Matt 18:17 says, “…and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

What is the last step? Tough love! If resolution doesn’t happen in the first three steps, it’s probably because one or both of the parties is stubborn and doesn’t want to resolve the issue. Things rarely get to this point, but if they do, this is the final step. It means that two parties in conflict have tried the first 3 steps already. Hey have talked directly. They have brought in other people. And they have brought it before the church leadership. At this point, the last step is tough love. One or both of these people are not acting in a way to resolve the issue. If they were, they would find a way to bring about resolution. Instead, they are determined in their resolve to stay stuck loin their position/opinion/feelings and NOT resolve the situation. Usually this bring about hatred, animosity, or disdain for the person you are in conflict with because it must be something serious.

If it gets to this point, one or both parties are not acting Christ-like! (At least that’s what the Bible seems to indicate). First John 3:10 tells us that , “anyone who does not love his brother is not a child of God.” In 1 John 4:20-21 it says something similar when it states, “If anyone says, ‘I love God’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” When we refuse to resolve deep-seated conflict with a brother or sister in Christ, it essentially breaks that relationship and stirs up hate towards that believer we are at odds with. Friends, this is dangerous and unhealthy! When it gets to this point, we need to call a spade a spade. If you won’t resolve, then you are acting like an unbeliever. So, we will treat you like one. This is not a step a church should take lightly. But if every effort up to this point has been tried and failed, then a little tough love is in order. You can’t pretend to be Christ-like and still hate your brother. You can’t let conflict ruin your relationship! So, we must treat you as an outsider. You are not one of us anymore. Harsh: it may seem so. But even God leaves us to our reprobate ways in Romans so that we will eventually turn back to him. It is what we often call tough love, but loving nonetheless.

This final step is something that should be rarely done, I would hope. But it is necessary on occasion.

Closing Final Thoughts

Resolution and reconciliation are always possible between believers! When both parties are Christian they should commit to always finding ways to resolve conflict in healthy ways. That is God’s desire for his people so that they maintain relationship and a good witness to the world. Our witness is much more important than winning an argument or dispute. Every believer should find ways to reconcile. After all, if we can be reconciled with God, then we surely can be reconciled with one another. And if God can forgive us, surely we can forgive others, too. Right? I want to urge you to always seek reconciliation.

We must resolve to deal with conflict the right way – the biblical way.

The Bible gives us a path to resolve conflict in Matthew 18:15-17. It assumes that we will resolve conflict the right way! Let’s practice it in our disputes. Let’s train ourselves to deal with it properly. Let’s give it a try, even if you are not familiar with it. Start with those closest to you – spouse, kids, friends, etc. You’ll be amazed at how much better it works if you will try (even if at first it is a little uncomfortable)

You can only do what you are responsible to do, nothing more, nothing less.

Sometimes you can do everything right, you put in the effort, you try to go through the steps, you try to resolve it, and you are met with resistance from the person or unable to get it resolved. In those cases, you need to remember what Romans 12:18-19 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” You need to do your part – which is the part that says “as far as it depends on you.” But then, you have to leave the rest to God. It says to not take it into your own hands to pay back the person. Don’t try to resolve it in your own strength, power, or words. Put it into the capable and strong hands of God and see what He will do. He will ALWAYS do what is right, even if it isn’t what we think or like. Let him do what He does. You just worry about your part!

Unity among God’s people pleases the Lord.

The ultimate goal of conflict resolution is maintaining good relationships. The goal isn’t winning an argument, but winning a person. It pleases the Lord when people, especially his children, walk in peace and unity.

Psalm 133:1–3 says, “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! 2It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron’s beard, down upon the collar of his robes. 3It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion. For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore.”

God is blessed… His kingdom is blessed…You are blessed… Everyone is blessed when we live together in unity. This only happens when we resolve conflict the right way. Amen?!

Closing prayer

The next time I face conflict, help me to have the courage to talk to the person. Whether that is in my personal life, my business, or my church. I know that relationships are important. Help me to learn to deal with conflict in a way that glorifies you and brings honor to your name. I pray in Jesus name, Amen!

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