Rejoicing and Relating - Philippians 4:2-9

Introduction

Is joy a selfish pursuit? That feels like a pretty important question in a series called Durable Joy. Because when you start talking about pursuing joy, something in us hesitates. Is that virtuous, or is that self-centered?

Reframing the question may help us understand. What if I asked you: Is pursuing a happy marriage selfish? Most of us wouldn’t hesitate at all. We’d say, “Of course not.” In fact, we’d say you should pursue a happy marriage. Why? Because happy marriages tend to be healthier marriages. And healthier marriages tend to be less selfish, not more.

It’s actually the miserable marriages—the disconnected, joyless ones—that tend to be marked by selfishness. There was a massive study that pulled together findings from over a hundred different studies on family health, and it concluded that: One of the strongest predictors of healthy, flourishing children is a healthy, happy marriage between their parents.

So think about that. Pursuing joy in your marriage isn’t selfish. It actually becomes the context where you love others best.

And that exposes a false choice a lot of us have absorbed: That you can either be holy or happy. But not both. So you end up with Christians who are trying to be holy. But they’re miserable. And here’s what we all know is true: Miserable people don’t build healthy marriages. They don’t build healthy families. They don’t build healthy churches. They drive people away. They frustrate people. They create division.

So let’s go back to the question: Is pursuing joy selfish? It is ONLY if you try to find it apart from God or without regard for others. But when joy is rooted in God, it doesn’t turn you inward; it actually reshapes how you relate to everyone around you. Enjoying God is what enables you to best enjoy others and for others to best enjoy you. In other words: The pursuit of joy in God isn’t selfish. It’s the starting point for loving people well.

God’s Word

Philippians 4:2–5 “I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;”

In Philippians 4, Paul helps us to see the bridge between our relationship with Jesus and our relationships with one another. You’ll notice the issue he’s addressing in verses two and three. Two of the prominent ladies in the church were at odds with one another. Both of them are highly commended. Paul says they’ve “labored side by side” with him and that their “names are in the book of life.” So, these are godly, honorable, good ladies who have gotten sideways with each other. This happens. It shouldn’t catch us off guard. Christians still experience conflict, but the point here is that Christians have been given the tools in their toolbox to be peacemakers and resolve conflicts like this when they arrive.

And, what’s the prescription that Paul gives to resolve the conflict between these two ladies? “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice.” It’s a doubled down pursuit of joy in the Lord. And, that the main point that’s being made here:

Main Idea: “Rejoicing” reshapes “relating.”

Paul’s response to their conflict is surprising, isn’t it? You’d expect: sit down and talk it out. Hear both sides. Find common ground. But, he says, “Rejoice in the Lord always!” Why is that?

The problem in our relationships is often deeper than the relationship itself. It’s not just about what’s happening between us. It’s about what’s happening inside of us. Because if my joy is fragile, if it’s tied to circumstances or your approval or things going my way, then I’m going to be: defensive, easily offended, quick to withdraw, or quick to attack.

So, how is rejoicing in the Lord related to a conflict between two women? When I’m secure and satisfied, when I’m rooted and grounded, I don’t need from you what only God can give me. And, that changes how I relate to you. It takes the pressure off the relationship. You don’t have to make me happy. The Lord does. So you don’t carry the weight of my need for significance. I don’t have to impress you. I can just love you. Because my joy doesn’t come from your approval. It comes from the Lord. And, THAT makes me more patient with you. More gracious with you. More forgiving toward you. The rejoicing reshapes the relating. Our rejoicing in God reshapes how we relate to one another.

When Paul says “let your reasonableness be known,” he means this: Let people feel your gentleness. Let them experience your grace. And here’s the connection: That gentleness is what your joy looks like on the outside. Our “reasonableness” or “graciousness” are how others experience OUR joy in Christ. They experience OUR intimacy with God through our graciousness and patience with them. Our rejoicing in God sets the tone for how we relate to one another.

So, the solution to impatience and harshness is actually deeper rejoicing. It isn’t pursue our joy less. It’s to pursue our joy in Christ more. To answer the question of whether the pursuit of joy is selfish, I’d ask: Who do you want to be around most — a joyful person or a miserable one? What kind of parents do you want? What kind of boss do you want? What kind of friends are you drawn to? What kind of pastors do you want? We all know the answer. We want to surround ourselves with people who are joyful. Why? Because they bring more grace, more “reasonableness,” more peace to our lives.

So, the pursuit of joy isn’t just unselfish. It’s our responsibility. It’s our responsibility so that others experience God’s goodness when they experience us. You’ll notice that there are two qualifiers added to our pursuit of joy. It’s meant to be pursued “in the Lord,” and it’s meant to be pursued “always.” So, our responsibility to one another, to our spouses, to our kids, to our church is to pursue joy “in the Lord ALWAYS.” And, that’s what I understand him to be explaining through verse 9.

He’s giving us “Three Methods of Rejoicing, (headline)” because our rejoicing reshapes our relating.

Don’t “forget.”

Philippians 4:5–7 “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

In 2013, I got pretty heavy into mountain biking. One day, my friend and I ventured on to a new trail that hadn’t opened yet. And, we were flying. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had a mountain bike until I crashed. When I crashed, it knocked me out cold for like five minutes. When my friend finally got me awake, he started asking me questions, and I had about two weeks from my memory that was just wiped. Gone. It was a surreal experience.

And, honestly, that’s exactly what happens to us spiritually. When life hits you hard, you forget. You forget who God is. You forget where God is. You forget what’s true. And Paul knows that. That’s why you see these big, sweeping words: “always”… “everyone”… “anything”… “everything” He’s wanting show that these pursuits are meant to rise above whatever circumstances or situations we find ourselves in. Like the one in view: being frustrated or hurt by a sister in Christ. You see, we tend to have situational amnesia whenever we take a blow. We begin to focus on our problems and forget our rejoicing. That’s when we begin to spiral further away from the Lord and deeper into ourselves. And, that’s what anxiety is.

Anxiety is Saving Yourself

Anxiety is what happens when you start talking to yourself about everything you can’t control. You rehearse the problem. You run the scenarios. You try to figure it out. Anxiety is wrestling with the assumption that YOU have to fix everything and YOU have to handle everything. It’s talking to yourself in hopes of saving yourself. But, it lingers and ruminates over the realization that it’s not in control.

Praying is Remembering

And Paul steps right into that and says, “No.” “Don’t be anxious, but pray.” In other words: Stop talking to yourself about everything you can’t control. Start talking to God who is in control. You see, if anxiety is forgetting who and where God is, then prayer is remembering. Prayer is the actual process of coming back to reality with God. It’s where you remember two things: God is good. He cares about “anything” and “everything.” And God is near. “The Lord is at hand.” It’s remembering that He is seated upon his sovereign throne, soon to return to the Lord to consummate his reign. So, prayer is remembering that God is both good and capable, trustworthy and powerful.

And, do you know what happens when you stop forgetting and start remembering who God is and where God is? You start rejoicing. And, when you start rejoicing, “a peace that surpasses all understanding” begins to dislodge your anxiety.

A Chain of Rejoicing

That brings us back to our original point: Do you know how people act who are at peace? With “reasonableness.” With “gentleness.” With “graciousness.” So here’s the chain: When you forget God, you get anxious. When you pray, you remember God. When you remember God, you rejoice. When you rejoice, you have peace. And when you have peace, you become gentle. That’s how your rejoicing reshapes your relating.

Secret Conversations

Let me ask you this: How are the secret conversations of your life going? Because the most important conversations in your life are the ones no one else hears. If you spend all your time talking to yourself, trying to manage everything, control everything, fix everything. you’re going to feel it. And the people around you are going to feel it. You’ll be intense. You’ll be defensive. You’ll be easily irritated.

But when you’re talking to God, when you’re remembering who He is and where He is, you don’t have to live like that. You don’t have to carry that weight. And people will experience the rest you have in Christ. They’ll experience you as patient, gracious, and reasonable.

Landing Challenge

So here’s a simple challenge: Pray more this week than you did last week. When you feel anxious, don’t talk to yourself. Talk to God. Tell Him what you’re worried about. Tell Him what you’re thankful for. Tell Him why you trust Him. And then, watch what happens. See if your heart isn’t more at peace. See if you’re not more gentle with people. See if your joy doesn’t start reshaping your relationships.

So, the first method of rejoicing is: don’t forget. Then, it’s…

Spiral “upward.”

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Now, you don’t have to be taught how to spiral downward, do you? There’s nothing more natural. One criticism outweighs ten compliments. One awkward conversation ruins your whole day. Your mind grabs it, replays it, and expands it… What if this goes wrong? What if that falls apart? What if I can’t fix it? And before long, you’re not just dealing with a problem. You’re spiraling downward to misery and feeling everything heavier than it actually is.

And it doesn’t just affect how you feel. It affects how you relate to others. We’ll get frustrated with them or we’ll find their inevitable personality flaw, and we’ll spiral downward making a case against them and always assuming the worst. We’ll impugn their character and gossip to others and build momentum against them, and it just spirals and spirals. But, picking people apart is the opposite of what it means to “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.”

Meditating on What’s Right

And Paul steps right into that and says: Think differently.There are six “whatevers” and two “any/anythings.” By using them, he’s coaching us to looking for the goodness and kindness of God where it may be found. Look for it is “whatever” you experience; look for “anything” you can find.” You see, the antidote to our negativity bias is meditating on what’s right rather than ruminating over what’s wrong.

Spiral On Purpose

The command here is to spiral upward rather than downward. A downward spiral is when one negative thought leads to another. An upward spiral is when one true thought about God leads to another. And, by telling us to “think about these things,” Paul is saying be intentional about the direction of your spiral. Because what you think about shapes what you rejoice in. And what you rejoice in shapes how you relate to people. Your rejoicing reshapes your relating.

Ten years ago, I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don’t say that lightly. I was About ten years ago, I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I mean that. My mind would take one thought and run it all the way out to the worst possible outcome. I’d be convinced I was about to lose everything. And I couldn’t stop it. And it was in that season that this verse became a lifeline for me. I realized that I couldn’t just try to stop the spiral. I had to start a new one.

So when my mind would start unraveling, I’d go stand at the window and look up. And I’d take one true thought about God, and let it lead to another. God is good. God is in control. God has been faithful before. God will be faithful again. I’d start naming what I was thankful for. I’d rehearse what I knew was true. And slowly, my perspective would shift, my heart would settle, and my nerves would quiet down.

And, guess when I was a better husband and dad and pastor and leader. It’s after I had come back down from Panictown to meditate on who God is.

Interrupt Your Spirals

That’s what Paul is after. He’s not just telling you to think positive thoughts. He’s telling you to train your mind on what’s true about God. Because when you do, you start to rejoice again. And when you rejoice, your heart fills with peace. And when your heart is at peace, you become more gentle with people, more reasonable, more gracious.

So, when your mind starts to spiral this week, interrupt it. Don’t just notice it. Redirect it. Take one true thought about God and follow it. Then another. Then another. Start a new spiral. And see what happens. See if your heart doesn’t change. See if your tone doesn’t soften. See if your rejoicing doesn’t start reshaping your relationships.

So, the methods of rejoicing are: Don’t forget, spiral upward, and…

Follow your “map.”

Philippians 4:9 “What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

It’s really hard to go where you’ve never gone. It’s one thing to know the destination, but it’s quite another to know directions to get there. A lot of the men that I talk with have a deep desire to lead and love their families well. They’re honorable men who want to be spiritual leaders, to sacrifice their wives, and to be what goes right for their children rather than what goes wrong.

And, most of the men I talk to are willing to do whatever it is they need to do so that their families can thrive and flourish in Christ, but they’ll also tell you that they have no idea how to actually get there. Most of them didn’t have that growing up. Most of them didn’t see a strong male figure living consistently and boldly for their faith. So, they know who they want to be and where they want to go. And, what do you need when you know where you want to go but don’t know how to get there? A map.

You’ve Seen It

And that’s where Paul steps in and says: You’ve seen it. In me. Follow that. That’s what he’s been doing this whole letter. He’s not just giving them academic concepts he’s giving them a map. His map as seen in his life. He’s in prison, and he’s rejoicing. He’s faced anxiety (ch. 2), and he’s trusting God. He’s showing them: This is what it looks like to rejoice in Christ in real life. You see, you don’t just learn joy by hearing about it. You learn it by watching it lived and then “practicing” it yourself.

Discipleship is Learning to Rejoice

That’s what discipleship is. It’s learning how to rejoice in Christ by watching someone else do it. It’s having a map. Someone whose life shows you: This is what it looks like to trust God when things are hard. This is what it looks like to be patient with people. This is what it looks like to have peace instead of panic.

So, if I were to talk to the men this morning (you can apply this to any group), and you were to tell me that you know where you want to go, but you don’t know how to get there, then I would tell you that you need to find a good map and follow it. And, you need to find a good map so that eventually can become the map for your family and others. So, how do we as dads raise joyful children who are anchored by their faith and values? We have to teach them how to rejoice in Christ always and to be reasonable people. How do we teach them that? By demonstrating that with our lives. But, how do we learn how to do that? By finding someone else who’s doing it that we can watch.

Joy Doesn’t Terminate

And, that’s why our pursuit of joy isn’t selfish. It doesn’t terminate with us. You see, our discipleship is the selfless pursuit of joy in Christ so that we can help those we know and love find that same hope. It’s pursuing joy so that you can help other pursue joy. And, that’s not selfish. It’s transformative. Our rejoicing in Christ reshapes how we relate to others, and our relationship with others leads to more people rejoicing in Christ.