Disagreeing Well Through Listening

Introduction

How does this illustration communicate listening in conflict?

Neither party can see what is hindering the other. Both parties are frustrated with each other because they lack understanding of the other’s situation. In the end they turn on one another and never resolve what needs to be resolved.

Most relationship don’t fall apart because they disagree. They fall apart because people stop listening.

Today, we are going to examine what God’s Word says about listening and look at an example of Jesus interacting with someone in which both engage is listening despite the present conflict.

Remember from previous sermons in the series. Conflict resolution for Christians is important because it represents the gospel. The greatest conflict to be resolved is our sin which separates us from God. Jesus Christ by His life, death, and resurrection resolves that for us through faith by grace.

How we disagree well is important because it reveals the gospel at work in us as changed people. We reflect the gospel message in how we handle our disagreements well.

What does it mean to listen?

At it’s heart listening in attentiveness, not to our own wants or desires, but to the other person with whom we disagree.

Think about the Scripture which often speak to God as listening.

Psalm 34:15 “15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry for help.”

Psalm 66:19 “19 However, God has listened; he has paid attention to the sound of my prayer.”

Romans 8:26 “26 In the same way the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings.”

1 John 5:14 “14 This is the confidence we have before him: If we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”

The God of the Universe is listening to us, attentive to us, even when we don’t have the words to speak. This is the nature and character of God. It should be a part of our character too.

Listening is attentiveness, but it is not necessarily agreeing. Right now in our culture we are told that agreeing with someone’s point of view is listening. This is not so.

Ortlund says, listening…”doesn’t call for blanket passivity in our conversations…it requires an openness to be manuvered by the information we are recieving.

This means some things are just wrong and cannot be agreed with. However, in many conflicts, listening does require us to be open to change based on what is being presented.

Again Ortlund suggests,

Treat your disagreements like a science experiment. Give careful study to questions like:

What experiences have shaped this person?

What background convictions undergird their position on the matter at hand?

What fear or pain or hope might be influencing them in our disagreement?

What social context are they in, and how does that shape their convictions?

In the end, good listening allows both parties to hear the heart of the issue, not just what we believe to be true or know under limited knowledge.

John 4:1-26

John 4 presents a situation of Jesus encountering a woman at a well. She is alone and Jesus engages in conversation. At first glance we might not see conflict present, but there is.

The Conflict

The conflict present is underlying. A Jewish man, a teacher, has engaged with a Samaritian woman in conversation…alone. Culturally and in terms of class there is conflict here. Jews did not regard Samaritans with much honor. They saw them as lesser because they were only part Jewish. The Samaritans viewed the Jews has haughty and typically reviled them.

There is theological disagreement and conflict too. The woman presents their difference in worship. Her tradition says they are to worship on a particular mountain, yet the Jews say in Jerusalem.

Then there is the conflict that this woman is a known sinner. The text reveals it later, but all of these are at play in the interaction between her and Jesus.

How do we see listening take place here?

Clarifying questions are asked.

The woman is perplexed by Jesus. In verse 9 she is asking a clarifying question. She isn’t offended by Jesus’ approach or engagement.

All throughout the interaction we see questions being asked. Each clarifying more and more intent and discovery. None are accusatory in nature.

We also get clarity into Jesus’ intention- He is going to reveal His Messiahship to someone in Samaria. In fact, someone who would be considered the least of these.

Application

Asking questions of someone in disagreement is not compromise. You are seeking clarity of their thought and seeking understanding where they are coming from that perhaps led to the nature of the disagreement.

Questions that help according to Ortlund,

Help me understand…?

I’m curious why…?

What did you mean by…?

You can also summarize what you heard and ask if that is correct to their thinking.

Why is this important? Because we are showing we are engaging with them, the person. We validate them, not necessarily their position, so that we can further the conversation and perhaps to gain audience of them to hear our side.

There is give and take, not a domination of thought.

Neither person dominates the conversation. Yes, Jesus speaks a bit more, but we should note that He takes time to listen intently to her and she likewise. There is an underlying respect and care for the other person.

Jesus still speaks truth that she needs and hears her out. He commits to her as a person and to the truth. Does she need to know Jesus is the Messiah? Yes! Jesus is patient in this conversation to engage her for clear understanding.

Often, we end up dominating because we are set on being right or thinking we are right and we just want to prove a point.

James 1:19 “19 My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,” comes to mind.

Application

Again, Ortlund offers great practical insight. Some people are more prone to talk and must be careful to not overcrowd a conversation while others are less assertive or need time to process.

I once had an interview for a youth position. Jenny and traveled 3 hours away for the interview after I had finished a 6 hour early morning shift at Target. I was exhausted. During the interview, a question was asked what are some strengths I possess. I was having trouble just thinking and a woman said loudly under her breath, “clearly not thinking on his feet.”

Adrenaline hit my system and I quickly said, You are right! I like to take time to process and think through things before I rashly give an answer. I find that to be more biblical. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

This is true of me. I am a processor. I certainly can think quickly on my feet, but it takes more capacity of energy. I prefer to take my time to think and process.

So, healthy disagreement does require patience on the part of both people.

Acceptance of the reality of the conflict without dismissing the person.

Here is what I mean. Jesus reveals that He offers living water of eternal life and then confronts her sin. She recognizes what He has done, but turns the conversation to religion.

She pulls in the theological differences of Jews and Samaritans. She is deflecting here, but take note what Jesus does. He accepts the reality of the conflict between Jews and Samaritans. He doesn’t dismiss it or her.

This woman has experienced some deep pain from her personal life and from what has happened culturally. Pain, fear, past choices, hurt from others often directs what a person believes, acts in, or responds in situations.

In conversation, through listening, we can often begin finding these things to understand the person better to move toward resolution. That can only happen if we truly have their goodwill in mind.

Application

Often in disagreement or conflict we will dismiss what another person feels or thinks regarding the situation. Listening requires us to hear it, acknowledge it for what is, and then seeking to find understanding in truth.

Here is a way to perhaps illustrate it from my youth ministry day. A guy and girl begin dating. They date for several months, maybe even a couple of years. Let’s say they are early teens in the beginning of this relationship.

Then the infamous break up happens and they are tore up. Their world is falling apart around them. Emotion flows hard.

As adults we can look at it and think, relax you got a lot of life left to find that special someone. You probably will find someone in college or in your early adult years anyway.

Is that true? Yes. Is their emotion in the moment true? Yes. It is their reality. When we approach them we embrace that reality with them and then walk them to see how the Lord will see them through it.

Understanding without movement doesn’t accomplish anything.

Listening is to lead to understanding, but understanding that doesn’t lead to movement doesn’t accomplish anything.

Jesus spoke, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

Peace, reconciliation, restoration, change of heart and life in the gospel are the goals in disagreeing well. We are moving things as those called to be peacemakers.

Jesus tells this woman in response to her religious statement is that a time is coming when all will worship the Lord who believe in the Messiah.

In essence, Jesus is moving her toward a relationship with the Father and toward a renewal from sin. In fact, she is persuaded in who He is and goes into town proclaiming.

Application

Disagreeing well through listening should lead to action. Perhaps that action ends with some time to reflect on change. Ultimately, action toward what Jesus wants and to glorify Him.

This is our ultimate goal as believers in disagreement.

Does the action require steps toward forgiveness?

Does the action mean taking steps to change and attitude, thought process, or behavior?

Is the action toward salvation?

Sometimes we have to agree to disagree, but it should be done with grace, love, compassion, and kindness.

Keeping An Open Heart

There are some disagreements that turn into large conflicts. There are times when listening is not the need for the moment. Ortlund explains,

In extreme situations, where the disagreement is provoked by serious sin or wrongdoing, there will be a need for accountability and protecting yourself from further harm.

When conflict is escalated or a hurt runs deep it can be easy to keep an open heart toward the other person. Even in smaller disagreements as well. Ortlund offers 5 prayers that I think are beneficial to pray in the midst of these moments.

Lord, give me a heart of mercy

Ephesians 4:32 “32 And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”

Kind and forgiving sandwich compassion. This sort of qualifies how these are to be expressed. Tenderhearted, sincere, warm.

Lord, help me to stay positive amid negativity.

Oh how easy it is to get vacuumed into negativity. In Galatians 6:1

Galatians 6:1 CSB

1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted.

Paul expresses a warning to not get caught up in the action of the person who need to be restored. In essence, being careful not to respond cuss out for cuss out, anger for anger, hotheadedness for hotheadedness, pride for pride, etc.

How? Keep your eyes on Jesus. He lived this life perfectly and through Him provides us the power to live as He did.

Lord, help me not to take this criticism personally.

Our natural response to criticism is defensiveness. Criticism may be fair, but when it is not, often I have found it is tied to something going on in their life.

Someone become critical of your marriage or your job or even your joy because somewhere in their life it is a struggle. These moments are opportunities to show love and grace to someone.

Lord, give me hope for this person’s renewal

Can we pray for God’s vision of a person’s progress in Christ and ask the Lord for hope in that progress?

Who can this person be in the Lord?

In conflict we often get focused only on who they are in the moment- ugly, negative, hurtful, foolish- and we miss praying for the Lord to renew them.

The Scripture is filled with people who were renewed in the salvation of the Lord- Peter, Saul/Paul, David, Moses are a few that come to mind. In Christ, people can be more than who they might be at the moment.

Lord, show me my own sin

In a disagreement or conflict are we quicker to look at the other person’s sin without looking at the potential of our own?

Are we quicker to justify our actions as righteous?

There are some situations where one is truly innocent and the other is not. Most of the time blame can be sliced differently. 90:10, 80:20, 60:40, 50:50.

Remember, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (v.23) and you are a part of the all. All isn’t everyone else and not you. Remember, too the same all are “justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”(v.24)

The gospel must fill our lives to reveal the gospel to others, even in our own conflicts and disagreements.

Conclusion

Someone might ask me, how in the world can I even listen to someone like this? How in the world can I show love, mercy, grace, compassion to someone who has hurt me?

How can I disagree well?

My answer is Jesus did.

And here is the beautiful thing. Those who are found saved in Christ Jesus are granted a new life and power in Him.

Andrew Murray speaks of this well from his book, Abide In Christ,

“…all our strength is in Christ, laid up and waiting for use…this power flows into us as we abide in close union with Him. When the union is feeble, little valued, or cultivated, the inflow of strength will be feeble. When the union with Christ is rejoiced in as our highest good, and everything sacrificed for the sake of maintaining it, the power will work: His strength will be made perfect in our weakness.

So, in disagreement and conflict turn to Christ, not as a good luck charm, but as your source of life, power, ability, and strength to love, to stand for truth, to care for the other person, and to listen well.

You cannot know this power if you do not know the the Person Jesus in saving relationship. If you are hear today and have heard not only that Jesus saves you from sin and its penalty, but also into a life renewed and you desire that, come to Jesus.