Foundations of Biblical Parenting

Introduction:

Today we continue our series on what the Book of Proverbs has to say about the family. One aspect of family life that many people experience is the joy and the challenge of raising children.

Raising children is not for the faint of heart. It may be one of the toughest jobs on planet earth. And it’s one of the jobs I thought I had all the answers to...until I actually had children and realized that everything wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be.

I am so grateful for the 3 precious children God blessed Michelle and I with. I do not stand before you today as an expert. We did a lot of things wrong. There are a lot of things we wish we could go back and do differently. So much of what I will share today from God’s Word are not necessarily things we got right...BUT IF WE CAN HELP YOU LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY LEARN FROM THE WORD OF GOD, maybe we can help you avoid some of the things we got wrong, and also share with you some of the things we got right!

Today I want us to look at some of the foundations of Biblical Parenting. Before I get into these foundations I want to say, right off the bat, that this is assuming both mom and dad know the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior and are seeking to grow in their faith and become who God intends for them to be.

Without Christ as the center of the home, without Him being the CHIEF CORNERSTONE of the home, nothing I say today will matter a whole lot. He has to be the ultimate foundation of all we do as parents. Once He is the chief cornerstone we can begin with these other important foundational blocks.

The first we will look at today is...

Teaching and Instruction

Parents, KNOW without a doubt YOU ARE TEACHING AND INSTRUCTING YOUR CHILDREN. That is not up for debate. The real question is WHAT are you teaching your children?

There are many ways to teach children, some are more effective than others. I think the key is to teach BOTH BY WORD AND EXAMPLE!

It is so important, it is IMPERATIVE that our EXAMPLE backs us what we are teaching our children.

If we do not want our children to curse, we need to set the example

If we do not want our children to use tobacco, we need to set the example

If we do not want our children to drink, we need to set the example

YOU get the picture. This does not mean that we are ever going to perfectly set an example for our children, but it does mean that we should be STRIVING to LEAD by example in our homes.

BEFORE the Children of Israel entered into the Promised Land God wanted to remind the older generation of their responsibility to PREPARE the younger generation for this event. God wanted to make sure, after 40 years of wandering in the wilderness, that the future generations had a firm grasp on His Word to combat the pagan influences they would face. Notice what God instructed the parents in...

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 ““And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”

Where did God tell the Israelites that the “words” first needed to be? He said that they needed to be in their HEART!

Ben Phillips says:

The Journal of Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary, Volume 5, Spring 2018 Family Discipleship in the Old Testament

Parents must first grasp an understanding of who God is and grow in a love relationship with Him. We must embrace the God of one’s faith and His commands before we can pass along the truth of that faith to the next generation. The commands of God are understood by parents and applied in their own personal life, enabling them to pass along those truths in a relevant way… Parents should know God’s commands and walk with God in such a way that it is a natural overflow of that relationship.

God never intended the parents to just “send the kids to church” and hope they get it. No, God wants YOU, as mom and dad, to embody and embrace God’s Word yourself, let it permeate YOUR life, so that you can then pass it on naturally to your children. It becomes a part of your life and then you live it out in your conversations, in your journeys, in the morning around the breakfast table, and when you are tucking them in at night! In other words, in all your human activity you are to be TEACHING your children the Word that you, yourself, have embraced.

Proverbs reminds us of this truth as well...

Proverbs 4:1 “Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, And give attention to know understanding;”

It assumes that the father will be involved in bringing instruction and teaching to the home. Too many dads have passively left much of this to the mom. But the fact of the matter is, both mom and dad should be involved in the instruction and direction of the children!

The Hebrew word for the word that is translated “instruction” entails the idea of instruction that is both informative and transformative. If necessary it is instruction that involves correction as well.

And that’s the next building block we want to focus on...

Discipline and Correction

So often discipline and correction is thought of in a negative sense. While there is some discipline and correction that can be negative, much of it can be positive...I would even go further to say that TRUE discipline always desires a POSITIVE result.

Parents should not punish their children just for the sake of punishment when their child has done wrong, but rather seeks to disciple their children to help them understand there are better choices to be made.

The truth of the matter is, when parents DO NOT discipline their children, the results are far more NEGATIVE, than when parents do discipline their children in the RIGHT way with the RIGHT spirit.

Notice...

Proverbs 13:24 “He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.”

The word for “hatred” that is used in Proverbs 13:24 does not mean the same thing as we usually think about “hatred.” This type of hatred is not referring to an emotional revulsion toward the child, but rather refers to the DESTRUCTIVE IMPACT that a lack of discipline will bring.

In other words this isn’t a parent that is encouraging their child to go play in a busy intersection along main street or play over a rattlesnake den. No this is a parent who thinks lack of discipline is a way to love their child, not realizing that this lack of discipline is actually DESTROYING their child.

In other words, when parents are passive about discipline, and indifferent toward their children, they may unknowingly be bringing future harm to their child, by neglecting painful consequences now.

Refusal to discipline one’s children is a form of child neglect. Someone put it this way:

Discipline functioned as a rescue measure, with temporary pain preventing colossal pain...Genuine love requires the DIFFICULT work of shaping a child’s character, not the passive neglect that leaves them unprepared for life’s demands.

On the other hand the more deep concern and care causes parents to not only discipline their children, but to do so promptly. Empty threats and delayed punishments can be quite confusing to the child. The child needs to understand that there is a consequence associated with the wrongdoing immediately. Otherwise the parent might forget or the child might forget. If we continue putting off discipline it can lead to foolish patterns being established in the child’s life that will be even harder to break down the road.

Love does not TOLERATE that which will destroy the child. Discipline and consistency are not fun and are not easy, but we cannot let FOOLISHNESS and REBELLION cozy up with our children! We are training our children to recognize foolishness and rebellion and helping them to see there are negative consequences associated with them. When we are passive and do nothing about foolishness and rebellion then we are unknowingly teaching our children that there are no consequences to this behavior and they will be more likely to continue to embrace it.

Someone summed it up this way:

A parent who delays correction essentially abandons their child to patterns that will eventually harm them far more severely than the temporary discomfort of timely correction.

Notice also...

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”

The “rod” functions as a symbol of discipline in Proverbs. It can refer to what we might think of as a “switch” today. It’s a corrective tool that is meant to be therapeutic, not vengeful. I am thankful for a mom, who knew how to APPLY THE BOARD OF EDUCATION TO THE SEAT OF UNDERSTANDING. The rod is intended to cause some physical pain, but should not cause physical injury. It should always be used in LOVE, not in uncontrolled anger, or in a fit of rage, or to exact revenge. It is to be used to “GIVE WISDOM.”

But what happens to the child who has passive parents who refuse to teach and discipline their children...a child left to himself (a child that has been neglected discipline) may ZAP a parent’s joy and peace.

Biblical discipline flows from LOVE. Biblical discipline is not the “easy way out.” Biblical discipline requires the discipline of the parents as well because it is DIFFICULT and requires SACRIFICE.

IF YOU THINK BEING CONSISTENT IN THIS AREA IS A PIECE OF CAKE, I DOUBT YOU HAVE EVER TRIED IT. It is HARD WORK!

Now go down to Proverbs 29:17 “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul.”

If we do the hard work of discipline, correction, instruction, etc when our children are young, it can lead to many benefits in the long run. Again, this doesn’t discount the child’s “free will.” We know there are some children who rebel and never give their parents rest and delight in their old age. But it’s more likely that if the child is corrected appropriately, the parent is more apt to experience rest and delight as the child comes to know the Lord and serve Him.

Because it is hard work, exhausting work, sometimes very frustrating work, we do not always approach our children with the right attitude. We do not always have the right....

Disposition and Approach

But I believe that is important as well. This is the 3rd building block...

Remember the “fruit of the Spirit?” Doesn’t that apply to parents? If we are being FILLED with the SPIRIT and LED by the SPIRIT shouldn’t we demonstrate LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, etc to our children?

We must remember the words of...

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”

When we instruct and discipline our children we aren’t just doing it to make our lives better, our home more peaceful, we aren’t just trying to create valuable members of society. We are seeking to TRAIN them in the way they should go.

The Hebrew word that is translated “train” in many of our English translations is a word that means “DEDICATE.” We are setting our child(ren) apart for a specific purpose and pointing them toward a particular way of life.

CHILD DEDICATION SERVICE...Sadie & Alice

Our desire in dedicating or training our children is to point our children away from evil and toward godliness. We seek to start them in the right direction and continue to guide them with boundaries that channel their lives toward wisdom and away from foolishness.

God has given children to us and entrusted us with the responsibility to nurture, guide, train, and set the example for them so they might grow up to be and fulfill all that God has planned for them.

It’s interesting that this verse also talks about “the way they should go.” The word used here for “way” goes back to the idea of bending a “bow” (bow and arrow). In these days craftsmen would choose a rod from a tree with a particular “bend and set”...each of our children come with a particular “bend and set.”

Have you figured out by now that every child is different. They may have the same parents, grow up in the same home, be the same gender, but THEY ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. They all have a particular “BEND”. Think about this illustration I found...

"Proverbs tells us to 'Train up a child in the way he should go.' That word 'way' is fascinating. In the ancient world, it was a term deeply connected to the art of archery and bowmaking.

If you were an English Master Bowyer—a master craftsman making a longbow—you would never select a piece of wood from a tree and try to force it to bend against its natural grain. If you tried to force a piece of timber into a shape completely foreign to its nature, the wood would splinter, crack, and snap the moment it was put under tension. Instead, the master craftsman would hold the raw wood in his hands. He would study it. He would look at the unique grain, the placement of the knots, and the natural curve already present in that specific branch. He worked with the wood’s natural properties, shaping it so that its unique 'bend' maximized its strength and accuracy.

Our children are exactly like those pieces of wood. They don't arrive in our homes as blank slates; they arrive with a unique, God-given grain.

Dr. Adrian Rogers explained it perfectly when he said:

...your child comes into this life with what we would call "a bent," "a proclivity," "a disposition," "a temperament." God put together uniquely in his genes and his chromosomes a child that has a particular way that he should go. So the way you raise one child is not the way you would raise another child.'

Parents, our job isn't to break our children's unique personalities to fit our personal molds or preferences. If you have a child who is quiet and analytical, you can’t parent them the exact same way you parent their sibling who is loud, boisterous, and strong-willed. What works for one will snap the other.

Our responsibility as parents is to be spiritual bow-makers. We must study the unique, God-given trajectory of each child. If they are strong-willed, we don't break that will; we shape it, so that one day they will use that fierce strength to stand up for the Gospel. If they are sensitive, we don't mock that sensitivity; we channel it into Christ-like compassion.

We intervene early, while the sapling is young, not to change the wood God made, but to align their natural 'bend' with the truth of God's Word, ensuring that when they are released into the world, they fly straight toward His purposes."

As parents we have to discover THE TRAJECTORY that our child is on and TRAIN accordingly! We must do so with EARLY INTERVENTION. It’s much easier to redirect a “young sapling” than to try to bend the trunk of a “mighty oak.” If we see they are bent in a particular way that is harmful or damaging we must TRAIN them in the way they SHOULD go...

I think about those of us who have STRONG-WILLED children. A strong will can be a very challenging thing for a parent, but it can also be a very positive thing for the child, if we can encourage them to USE THEIR STRONG WILL for the glory of God! But we have to TRAIN THEM IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO.

Let me share one last verse on this issue, and I briefly mentioned it last week. It is found in...

Ephesians 6:4 “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

This is such a powerful passage of Scripture that is directed toward dads specifically. The command is that fathers should not “provoke your children to wrath.”

Rand Hummel says:

Turn Away Wrath: Meditations to Control Anger and Bitterness Don’t you care how much you are hurting those you love with your anger?

Dads, do not provoke your children to wrath, do not enrage them, do not irritate them, do not frustrate them to the point of resentment; do not exasperate them until they blow up in anger; instead, help them through disciplined training, encourage them with loving instruction, raise your children (bring them up) in the nurture and instructive admonition the Lord approves of and is pleased with.

Most parents (especially dads) are either hot or cold. They get it or they don’t. Parents either drive their children away with their destructive anger or draw them closer with their loving instruction. This is very confusing for children and teens. One day they are being praised and blessed, and the next day they are being cut down and cursed...Quit allowing your personal frustrations to provoke them.

As we close the message today I want to mention something about...

Goals and Rewards

All of the building blocks we have discussed today have a purpose. In other words we do not just teach for the sake of teaching and correct for the sake of correcting and do the hard work of discipline for the sake of disciplining.

There is a “method to the madness.” We see this in God’s plan when He disciplines us. PLEASE TURN TO AND READ WITH ME...

Hebrews 12:7–11 “If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

First, we see that God’s discipline happens in our lives because we are His children. He disciplines us because we are in a love relationship with us, we have been adopted in His family and He doesn’t set idly by as we walk toward the path of self-destruction.

Second, we are told that God disciplines us for our PROFIT. God has already punished Christ for our sin. We have been set free from the condemnation we were under. Discipline is not the same a judgment. It’s not about punishment, IT’S ABOUT CORRECTION! He loves us too much to leave us the way we are!

Third, we see that discipline is not always fun and a joyful experience. It may be painful, but the pain is designed to lead to PEACE. Just as a surgeon has to hurt his patient in order to bring prolonged healing, sometimes God has to discipline His children to bring prolonged healing as well.

Conclusion

In closing I want to share one final quote with you:

Church, parenting is holy surgery. It is a daily investment of tears, exhaustion, and hard work. But remember: we do not parent toward perfection; we parent toward a Person. Our ultimate goal is not just well-behaved kids who don't embarrass us in public; it is children who catch a glimpse of the Heavenly Father’s love by watching us.

Salvation

Baptism

Church Membership