Peace over Payback

My wife and I have been married for over 15 years, but for at least half of that time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We always seemed to be at odds, constantly pushing each other away.

It didn’t start out that way. When we first got married, we were in that beautiful honeymoon phase where everything felt perfect. But one evening, as we were getting ready for a date night, I looked at her outfit and made a joke. It was a poorly timed, terribly worded joke that offended her immensely.

Instantly, the mood shifted. She grew silent, pulled away, and remained completely distant throughout the entire date. Later that night, she courageously let me know how deeply I had hurt her. I immediately apologized, and she told me she forgave me.

But not long after that, there was another offense. Followed by another apology. Followed by another statement of forgiveness.

Over time an unhealthy cycle began to form. My wife grew untrusting of me because I kept offending and hurting her, making it harder and harder for her to genuinely forgive. Whenever we argued, she would exhume the ghosts of my past mistakes. In retaliation, I would bring up her past failures- Things I claimed I had already forgiven her for.

We were keeping score. But in that game, neither of us was winning. Instead, weaponizing our past grievances only drove a wider, deeper divide between us. And for years, that divide grew.

Finally, after nine years of marriage, we found ourselves sitting in a marriage counselors office. We learned a lot about ourselves in those sessions, but the most impactful truth we uncovered was simple: we were actually on the same team, wanting the same thing.

We learned how to truly forgive. We learned to stop getting dirty in our arguments by weaponizing the very things that were supposed to be forgiven and buried. For the first time, we started to value peace over payback. We began to value each other, learning how to show love better- not perfectly, but better. And that shift is what finally brought us closer together, instead of tearing us apart.

Conflict and division in our relationships is hurtful and exhausting. Whether it is our spouse, siblings or other family members. Our co-workers or friends. Conflict and division is difficult. Many times we do not know how to or we do not handle it well.

We need to know how to choose peace over payback.

How do we have peace in our relationships?

How can we show true forgiveness when we have been offended?

This is what our text today addresses.

Our passage today comes from proverbs, a book of wisdom found in the old testament. Proverbs gives us practical solutions to real world problems. It was originally written to the Israelites to guide them in wisdom and apply this wisdom to their lives. This text is not only applicable to the Israelites back then, but it is very relevant to us today.

The passage that we are walking through today particularly addresses the issue of true forgiveness and preserving close relationships.

Today’s message comes from Proverbs 17:9 “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”

How many of you have ever taking something that was a past offense that was forgiven and you used it against someone?

As we saw in the story of my marriage this behavior has a nasty outcome. these actions cause hurt, pain and separation.

The problem is that, in our own way, we do not truly forgive, instead we gossip and weaponize past offences.

Have you ever been offended by a friend and told everyone else about this offense without first making it right with the offender?

Or maybe you are on the other side and offended someone and the news of your offense got around to everyone before the offended person addressed it with you?

What does that do?

it causes distrust, it hurts people, and causes division in relationships.

Instead of lovingly forgiving others by forgiving offenses we choose to get payback by gossiping and telling everyone else about this offense or as we see in my interactions with my wife and in all of our lives we take offenses that we say that we have forgiven others of and we weaponize it and use it to hurt others.

We think that we are being just or making a point. But what we are actually and truly doing is dividing and destroying our closest relationships. This causes pain and division in not just our own lives but in the lives of others.

But how do we resolve this? What is the solution?

In order to minimize the division and pain in our close relationships we must truly forgive and release past offences.

But what does that mean? What does it mean to cover an offense or to truly forgive?

Lets first talk about what it does not mean. To cover an offense or to truly forgive does not mean that the issues are ignored and swept under the rug. We do not pretend that the offences never happened and expect all parties to operate with no impact from these offenses. Traumatic effects of offenses are real, people’s feelings are real and they should be acknowledged and delt with understanding and compassion.

To cover an offense does not mean to hide evil or wrong doing.

To cover an offense means to address the offense and to forgive. However to truly forgive means we release the offense once we have forgiven the individual, and we do not bring the offense back up in weaponized form to hurt the offender later and we do not bring the offense up by gossiping to others about it either.

To truly forgive means to release forgiven offences.

My wife and I met in college; neither of us were following Christ at the time. When we met, I was getting to know several young ladies with the intent to narrow it down to one, however when we spoke we agreed that we would officially be in a relationship together.

The next day I decided I wanted to talk to another young lady and I broke our agreement, this was hurtful to her and a huge offense. I chose the other girl because I did not want to get into a long term relationship and I thought my wife was wife material.

She stayed on my mind. Years went by and eventually we both became Christians and I had kept up with her on Facebook and I remembered that she was the ideal wife in my mind. I vaguely kept in touch with her saying happy new years, merry Christmas and hi on all of the holidays.

I knew that I needed to reach out to her and to pursue her for marriage, however I did not believe that she would forgive me for what I had done to her. But she did. When I started to court her towards marriage and eventually marry her. the past offense was never weaponized or brought up by her to hurt me. She showed true forgiveness.

Jesus also shows us the perfect example of forgiveness in that while we were his enemies he died on the cross for our sins and now when we place our faith in Him we are forgiven and fully restored and redeemed as Sons and Daughters of God. He removes our transgressions as far as the east is from the west.

Cover offences to keep relationships, if you bring up those past offenses then you will destroy your close relationships.

Forgive instead of seeking to get even.

We cannot truly forgive on our own. We need the help of the Holy Spirit. Without Christ our hearts are bent towards sin, selfishness and the desire to please ourselves over all others. In order to have a heart to show true love to each other and forgive, it must be changed by the power of the Holy Spirit. When we place our faith in Christ then the Holy Spirit changes our heart and our desire to want to please Him. He changes our hearts to have the ability to truly love and to forgive.

Although Christians have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit it is still sometimes a struggle to forgive and to crucify the desires that we have that are to do what we want to do. Forgiveness isn't always easy, so it is important for us to rely on the Holy Spirit.

Just as Christ forgives and does not bring up the forgiven offences but instead wipes the transgressions away we are also to truly forgive in this same way. Let us follow Jesus’ example of true forgiveness.

The problem that we have, is that we do not truly forgive, instead we gossip and weaponize past offenses.

The solution given in Proverbs 17:9 is that we must truly forgive and release past offences.

Here is the challenge from todays text. I challenge each and every one of you to follow Christs example. Seek peace instead of payback.

To have peace with others we must be able to forgive.

Seek peace over payback.