Ephesians 4 - The Real Meaning of Marriage

Introduction

1. Ice breaker - divide up

First born, Middle child, Baby of the family

Born in SC, Born in the USA, Born outside of the country

Dog, Cat, Animal lover, None

(I actually have a purpose for this ice breaker; it will be revealed in time)

2. Is your “yes” on the table?

How many of you have heard Pastor Wayne use this language as he describes Will and Molly and their move to Arizona to plant a church?

“Put your ‘yes’ on the table and let God put it on the map” - J. D. Greear: “I challenge you to put your yes on the table and let God put it on the map. It’s not if you’re called but where and how. Obedience to Jesus is going to cost you, and at that moment the only thing that will compel you forward is the conviction in your soul that Jesus is worth it”

Having our "yes" on the table is not merely about discerning God's will for major decisions; it is also about obeying what God has already revealed in Scripture.

What are some passages or topics that people often struggle with?

Loving your enemies

Forgiving those who have hurt you

Giving generously

Sexual purity

Submission to authority

Sharing the gospel

Putting others before yourself

Marriage roles

Turning the other cheek

Counting the cost of discipleship

Most of these are not difficult to understand. But they may be difficult to accept.

The issue is often not, 'What does God want me to do?' The issue is, 'Am I willing to do what God has already said?'

For many people, Ephesians 5 is one of those passages that causes us to bristle. Before we decide whether we agree or disagree, I would ask, as Pastor Wayne did last week, that we first listen carefully to what Paul is actually saying.

We should ask two questions:

First, is our "yes" already on the table - for this passage as well as anything that the Bible teaches?

Second, what is Paul actually teaching in this passage?

3. Review

Doctrinal Movements

Christ’s role in God’s cosmic plan to unite all things in heaven and earth

Human inability to achieve righteousness independently, grounding salvation instead in God’s mercy and grace appropriated through faith

Paul’s commission to proclaim that Gentiles share as equal heirs in the gospel as divinely authenticated truth

Ethical Demands

Walk Worthy - 4:1

Ephesians 4:1 “1 Therefore I, the prisoner in the Lord, urge you to walk worthy of the calling you have received,”

Walk Differently - 4:17

Ephesians 4:17 “17 Therefore, I say this and testify in the Lord: You should no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thoughts.”

Walk in Love - 5:2

Ephesians 5:2 “2 and walk in love, as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God.”

Walk Wisely - 5:15

Ephesians 5:15–16 “15 Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk—not as unwise people but as wise—16 making the most of the time, because the days are evil.”

1. An Introduction

Ephesians 5:21 CSB

21 submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.

Ice breaker - did we do four things or three? Break up/Birth Order/Birth Location/Animal Preferences

It’s three.

How do we know? context.

If we had asked chat-gpt to look at the transcript, it might have said 3 or 4.

Is this as verse a separate command, or is it an overview statement to the verses to follow - e.g., “submitting to one another in these ways”

(A) Those who view it as a separate command say that this clause focuses on an attitude of reciprocal or mutual subjection to one another (e.g., F. F. Bruce, “general exhortation to mutual submissiveness”)

(B) This clause focuses not so much on a reciprocal subjection of Christian to Christian, but on voluntary subjection to the various areas of constituted authority in life. E.g., Albert Barnes:

Ephesians, Philippians & Colossians Chapter 5

Maintaining due subordination in the various relations of life. This general principle of religion, the apostle proceeds now to illustrate in reference to wives (ver. 22–24); to children (chap. 4:1–3); and to servants, chap. 6:5–8. At the same time that he enforces this duty of submission, however, he enjoins on others to use their authority in a proper manner, and gives solemn injunctions that there should be no abuse of power. Particularly he enjoins on husbands the duty of loving their wives with all tenderness (ver. 25–33); on fathers, the duty of treating their children so that they might easily obey them (chap. 6:4); and on masters, the duty of treating their servants with kindness, remembering that they have a Master also in heaven; chap. 6:9. The general meaning here is, that Christianity does not break up the relations of life, and produce disorder, lawlessness, and insubordination; but that it will confirm every proper authority, and make every just yoke lighter. Infidelity is always disorganizing; Christianity, never.

Four reasons to take Barnes’ position:

Mutual submission does not seem to fit the definition of the word. “submit” - The Greek word hypotassō (translated “submit”) fundamentally means “voluntary placement of oneself under the authority and leadership of another.” (Holman Bible Dictionary); “to submit or subordinate to a higher authority.” (EDBT)

Slaves to masters - Titus 2:9 “9 Slaves are to submit to their masters in everything, and to be well-pleasing, not talking back”

Civic authority - Romans 13:1 “1 Let everyone submit to the governing authorities, since there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are instituted by God.”

Cosmic authority: Everything -> Christ -> God 1 Corinthians 15:28 “28 When everything is subject to Christ, then the Son himself will also be subject to the one who subjected everything to him, so that God may be all in all.”

How can, e.g., Randy submit to me or I submit to Randy if there is not authority relationship?

2. It would seem to cancel out Paul’s teaching in v.22 that wives submit to their husbands

3. None of the examples that follow have reciprocal relationships

Wives are told to submit; Husbands are told to love.

Children obey; fathers nurture

Slaves obey; masters treat fairly

4. There are a multitude of other “one-another” verses that would seem to cover much the same ground:

Love one another

Be devoted to one another

Honor one another

Live in harmony with one another

Accept one another

Care for one another

Serve one another

Bear one another's burdens

Be patient with one another

Be kind to one another

Encourage one another

Build up one another

Seek good for one another

Pray for one another

Use gifts to serve one another

Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another

Have I convinced you? Even if not, I hope I have given you something to consider.

But even *if* Verse 21 is taken as a real command to mutual submission among believers generally, that mutual submission does not eliminate role distinctions presented in scripture.

2. Instructions for Wives

Ephesians 5:22–24 CSB

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.

What does it mean to submit? (see above)

Voluntary placement of oneself under the authority and leadership of the husband

Not the same as “obey” - Children are to obey

Christ and the church is given as the model - as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything

Will this be easy? No!

Genesis 3:16 “16 He said to the woman: I will intensify your labor pains; you will bear children with painful effort. Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you.”

One result of the fall is that human relationships themselves will become more difficult

3. Instructions for Husbands

Ephesians 5:25–30 CSB

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of his body.

How did Christ love the church? Sacrificially; unselfishly

“as their own bodies” Do men typically take care of their bodies? How about when they get a cold or the flu?

I try to take care of my body; eat modestly; exercise. Hip Bursitis - watched videos on YouTube did exercises

Will this be easy? No! Do husbands have the harder task? Yes! Do husbands have a license to take advantage of and abuse their wives since they are supposed to submit? No!

4. The Mystery of Marriage

Ephesians 5:31–33 CSB

31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

Paul identifies marriage as a “mystery” that reveals Christ and the church (Eph 5:31–33), and verses 31-33 crystallize this theological vision. The passage operates on two levels simultaneously—addressing immediate marital conduct while pointing toward a cosmic reality.

Christ’s union with the church as his body provides the warrant and dignity for earthly marriage. This reversal of what might seem intuitive is crucial: human marriage functions as an earthly type pointing toward the spiritual reality of Christ and the church, not the reverse. The Genesis quotation about leaving parents and becoming one flesh (Eph 5:31–33) gains new significance when understood through this christological lens.

The practical implications flow directly from this theological foundation. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as themselves, while wives are called to respect their husbands (Eph 5:31–33)—but these instructions carry weight precisely because they embody something transcendent. A Christian married couple’s privilege is to declare the “great mystery” by incarnating in their own marriage sacrificial divine love wedded to joyful human reverence.

Importantly, the passage is fundamentally about how husbands and wives should relate to one another, with Christ and the church serving as the model they imitate rather than providing a complete theological account of that relationship. Husbands are exhorted to care for their wives even at personal cost—not merely romantic love, but faithful care.

The “big picture” thus encompasses both the immediate and the eternal: believers living out their marriage vows participate in displaying the gospel itself, making their covenant a visible testimony to Christ’s redemptive love for his people.

1. Marriage Is a Mystery (v. 32)

Paul calls it a "great mystery."

Marriage points beyond itself.

It reveals Christ and the church. (After thousands of years - this is finally revealed!)

2. Marriage Reflects a Greater Reality (vv. 31–32)

Paul quotes Genesis 2:24.

One-flesh marriage is a picture.

Christ's union with the church is the reality to which it points.

3. Marriage Displays the Gospel (v. 33)

Husbands love sacrificially.

Wives respond with respect.

Christian marriage makes visible Christ's love for his people.

Big Idea: Marriage is not merely about two people living together; it is God's designed picture of Christ's relationship with his church.

Applications

Love and Respect

The right model in marriage is a testimony of the gospel to the world