Love Your Neighbor | Presence

With, but not with

Contact is transmission of information. Presence is a commitment of undivided attention.

Contact is transmission of information. Presence is a commitment of undivided attention.

It’s curious that in today’s world with technology and social media we sort of live in this promise of being more connected than ever before. But at the same time, people are more isolated and lonely than ever before. Here is what I see. We have more contact with others—by use of things like phone, text, email, Facebook, twitter, Snapchat, Instagram…and it goes on. But I think we are also less present with others. Presence is different than contact. Contact is transmission of information. Presence is a commitment of undivided attention. Those are two very different things.

Our world now is inundated with transmission of information. We are overwhelmed with transmission of information. Scroll down my Facebook wall and I see all kinds of information being transmitted—what someone ate for dinner, where they went on vacation, who they met for coffee, and an hourly photographic update on what your cat is doing. That’s all contact. Technology has given us more contact with other people than ever before. We have more transmission of information than ever before. But NONE of that is presence. In fact, there is so much contact through transmission of information, that it has almost completely replaced presence. Presence is now becoming something of a lost art. More and more today we see examples of being with other people, but not really being with other people.

If you ride the light rail at all here in Denver, look around at how many people have their faces focused on a phone screen, or a magazine, or newspaper. The last time I was in a restaurant I was struck by a family sitting a few tables down, each one of them staring down at their own phones while they ate, not saying a single word to each other. Even perfect opportunities we have right in front of us to practice being present with others are completely missed.

At my house we have a rule—no phones at dinner. I admit we don’t always keep that rule perfectly, but we do pretty well. And every once in a while there is a show or a game on TV during dinner, but most of the time the TV is off. Dinner is the one chance my family has every day for all six of us to be present together, and it’s awesome.

Chick-fil-a has something called a phone coop. If you go eat at Chick-fil-a with a group, you can get a box for your table called a phone coop. Everyone must put their phone in the box and leave it there the entire meal. If you do that, Chick-fil-a gives everyone at the table a free ice cream. It’s a restaurant giving away free dessert for doing one thing and one thing only—presence.

Martha & Mary

Listen to this story from the Bible about the difference between contact and presence.

Luke 10:38–42 NIV

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Did you catch that? One is about transmitting info. The other is about undivided attention. Martha is searching recipes on Pinterest, posting pictures of the beautifully prepared salad, tweeting about her special dinner party guests, and texting Mary in the next room to get her butt in here to help out. Mary didn’t get those texts though, she doesn’t even have her phone on. She is wholly and completely present with Jesus at the moment.

Moving from contact to presence

We’ve been talking lately about neighbors and those who live around us. And we’ve been focusing on Jesus’ command to love others. So every week there has been a little different focus on that command and every week there have been some new actions steps to help us move in that direction and to engage that command of loving neighbors a little more effectively.

Today we want to take giant leap forward and confront the tendency we all face in our culture to be in contact with lots of people, but hardly ever be present with anybody. Let’s move from contact to presence by looking at some of the ways Jesus practiced this.

Jesus and a mission of presence

Jesus made a mission out of being present with other people. We talk about mission quite a bit here at Horizon as well. Our mission statement here talks about helping people to see Jesus, know Jesus, serve Jesus, and share Jesus. Every one of those four pillars of our mission statement—at some level—all require presence with other people, not just contact. Presence with others is so vitally important to each part of our mission, that the practice of being present with others is itself a part of the mission. Jesus certainly had a mission of presence. Today we’re looking at one story from the gospel of Mark which shows the way in which Jesus was present with others—particularly other people who we might identify as neighbors.

Mark 5:21-43

Mark 5:21–43 NIV

When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. Then one of the synagogue leaders, named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet. He pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ” But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?” Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him. After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.

mk5 21

Jairus - looked up to

There are two different people vying for Jesus’ attention here. And Jesus attends to both of them. These are two people with whom Jesus practices being present with them in a moment of need. But these are also two very different people. Jairus was a leader in the synagogue. He was a big shot in that town. He was important, probably among the elites of that village. So on the one hand, it may have taken a certain amount of humility for him to even come to Jesus as he did. Jairus fell at the feet of Jesus and begged him for help. There was a crowd there all from the same town. All the people in this crowd very likely knew who Jairus was. And for everyone in this crowd it would have been rather shocking to see a high and important man such as Jairus drop to the ground and plead with Jesus for help. This is a moment that would have grabbed everyone’s attention.

Woman - looked down upon

And so Jesus goes with Jairus to see about his daughter. But then on the way there is this other woman who makes her way through the tight crowd and gets just close enough to Jesus so that she can touch him. Mark says this woman had been suffering for twelve years with bleeding. This is likely a problem related to the woman’s menstrual cycle. If you go back in the Old Testament, the Israelites had specific rules for women during and following their menstrual cycle. There were specific steps for a woman to be purified and clean. And so this particular woman was stuck being unclean and impure for twelve years.

Jairus—everyone looked up to him, respected him, he was a pure man of God who was leader in the synagogue. The woman (we don’t even know her name)—everyone looked down upon her, avoided her, impure, unclean. And when the woman touches Jesus, he stops everything and diverts his attention for a moment. I have to admit. If I were Jairus this would test my patience. My daughter is dying. I humiliated myself in front of the entire village to get your attention. Time is rather critical here. This woman—sure she has a need too—but now that she’s touched you it’s all good. Let’s move on. Remember my daughter is dying? Stop talking. Time to go.

The disciples verbalize it too. Who touched you? Are you kidding? Look at all the people pressing around us. Everyone is touching you! Forget about it. But Jesus will not let it go. Because now it is no longer just about the healing. The love that Jesus has for others is not just about what he does to meet the needs of others. Jesus absolutely insists on a mission of presence. He insists that there will be a moment of undivided attention with this woman.

Why presence? Validation

WHY?

Validation. A moment of undivided attention grants this woman more than healing. It grants her validation. By giving a moment of presence—a moment of undivided attention—Jesus performs a second miracle (although maybe it does not seem so miraculous). His presence affirms to this woman that she has value, that she is important enough to Jesus that he will stop everything else and focus his attention on only her. Only a mission of presence can do that. And that’s exactly what Jesus does. Jairus—everyone looks up to him. This woman—for twelve years everyone looked down on her. And in one moment of presence, Jesus gives this woman something that she may not have experienced from anyone for more than a decade—someone who does not look down upon her, someone who instead lifts her up. And it comes by a simple moment of presence.

And not to leave the story hanging, Jesus returns his attention again to Jairus and meets the need of his family as well. And gives them his presence as well.

Love your neighbor - action step

What do we take today? Every week we have been identifying Love Your Neighbor actions steps. Think back to that story I started with about Martha and Mary. That there is a difference in our world between contact and presence. There is a difference between simple transmission of information and undivided attention. What is the action step to help us get beyond mere contact with other people so that we can embrace a mission of presence with others.

Put away my phone

Put away my phone. Or maybe turn off the TV. Or put down the magazine, or newspaper. What is that thing that puts up a blocker and gets in the way of presence with others? We hear a lot today about distracted driving and the dangers of distracted driving. People are causing accidents because they are not paying attention to the road, but instead playing with a phone or the radio or a GPS. What about your distracted relationships? What are you missing right in front of you because something is distracting you from being present with other people?

What do you need to do starting this week to remind yourself to put down the phone or the iPad or the newspaper when other people are around? Or turn off the TV when someone else is with you in the room doing nothing? Maybe you need an accountability partner. Have a friend at school help you. Or have a spouse or family member help you. Ask your friend to do this, every time I am with you and ignoring you because something else is distracting my attention, nudge me and let me know. I bet most all of us would be honestly shocked at just how much of our time with other people is time in which we are not really present because we are distracted by something else—something that could so easily put down, put away, or turn off.

Pause my agenda

Pause my agenda. Besides distractions, the next biggest obstacles to presence are our agendas. We are busy people who always seem to be on the move, always making plans, always working those plans to produce results. We want to maximize efficiency to squeeze the most out of our day as possible.

But here’s the truth. Presence with other people is not efficient. Being truly present with others often means I need to put my agenda on hold. This is what must have drove Jairus crazy with Jesus. Jairus was a guy with an agenda—no doubt about that. And Jesus puts the agenda on hold so that he can spend a moment being present with someone else. That’s what presence requires.

When my children were young—before school age—I would often take them with me to the grocery store on shopping day. I had an agenda. I had a shopping list and I knew what aisles I needed to cruise through to get all the items on the list. The most efficient thing was to plunk kids into the cart and bury them under groceries so I could just keep moving. But somehow every week, someone wanted to get out and walk instead of ride in the cart. That slowed down my agenda. Then someone wants to help me push the cart. Then they want to stop in the toy aisle.

There was a choice here in which I could be present with my kids. But it was a choice that meant having to pause the agenda.

Elementary school projects are the worst. The kindergartener comes home from school with an assignment of some kind. Do you know how hard it is to get a five-year-old to make a macaroni sculpture? Ya know what, just let mommy do it. I don’t have a few hours every night of the week to spend trying to get my kid to do this project, and then spend even more time cleaning up the mess. I have an agenda of things to get done too. It’s a struggle. But presence means my agenda hits pause. Because somehow, undivided attention to someone else cannot happen when I’m already thinking about what’s next. Then I bring the project in to school the next week and the one right next to my kid’s is this perfect macaroni Venus de Milo. And I think, no way your kid did that, he didn’t even lift a finger in that one, mom did the whole thing.

Prolong my margins

And the last part of this action step to be more present with others is to prolong my margins. Margins are those blank spaces on the edge of a page of notebook paper. Or in the business world margins are the space for profit that doesn’t have to count towards overhead costs. It’s the extra. After I put away distractions, and after I pause my agenda, the way I make the most of every opportunity to then be present with others is to prolong—or increase—the margins of my time. Create the space in your life to be present with others.

The house where I live has a small front porch. Recently Laura and I started looking for some patio furniture to put out on our front porch. We already have a deck out back and a patio in the back yard. But here in Highlands Ranch all the backyards are enclosed in privacy fences. Having a space to sit and be out on the front porch creates a margin. It creates an opportunity to invite interaction with my neighbors.

What can you do to prolong your margins? How can you create spaces in your week that invite presence with other people?

Jesus knows how to be present. Jesus made it a priority to be present with his disciples and closest followers. And Jesus also made it a priority to be present with those who were outside and pushed away from God. Jesus made it a priority to show love to us. It was a love that compelled Jesus to say, I need to go there to them, and be with them. It was love that shows up in presence. And he instructed his followers to do the same for others.