Pre-Marital Counselling outline

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Revised June 2026

Preface: Why do you want to get married?
How did you get together?
How did you understand dating?
what dating IS, is fundamentally a commitment to non-comittance. This is, sorry to say, the exact OPPOSITE of marriage, not practice for it. It is also, often, a stripping of what is had in marriage (romance, eroticism, kissing, etc), from the realm / safety of TOTAL AND HOLISTIC commitment . In this way, it is SERIOUSLY bad, because it is a PRACTICING of the subversion and mocking of marriage.

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

Do not stir up nor awaken love

Until it pleases.

Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart

^ the correction, however is not to break up, but to marry. to repent of “dating,” and commit to walking in true, obedient, fruitful commitment to each other

When a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged to be married, and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife

How do you now understand engagement?
It is NOT super dating. Or conditional agreement to marry. It is as the Lutherans have taught, of the same species of marriage, in that it is a commitment to marry the other, in total and complete commitment and unity with the other. Where that is not had, and in certainty, engagement is not desired, but only a refusal and rejection of its essence

Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body

When did you decide to get married, and why?
Have you considered otherwise?
Why now? Have you considered waiting? (and the sin of putting off a wedding)
Have you considered breaking up? (the committing to a committedly-non-committal-commitment , AKA , dating)
Do you think this person is the one? or,… what do you make of that idea? is there a chance that there is a one, out there who is not this person? or… are you settling for this person?
The Christian truth of it all :
we don't find the one, we COMMIT to (make) the one - imaging the God who, does not find, but creates that which is pleasing to Him (HD art 28)
the right answer of why is not because of what or who they are, but of and toward who you want to exemplify
The right answer of when is because YOU are ready to exemplify God. not because they have proven themselves trustworthy , or that you have enough money. but because you have repented, and want to live a fruitful life of obedience NOW.
What does this mean?
marriage is, a repentance of dating. It is a repentance waiting to obey until self-service is granted, trustworthy, or complete. Such to say, i know now I can marry this person, beucase now I know that they 1. have enough money or 2. have come to agree with me on certain issues, or 3. because they are treating me better. All of these are a refusal to commit TO A PERSON. These are merely, a conditional agreement to commit TO A SERVICE RENDERED. This is not marriage, but sin. What then IS marriage? It is a commitment to the pouring out of the self into and for the other, without consideration for the “me.” - when that is not entered into, not marriage, but the justification of sin is desired. And that this commitment (in that you are now engaged) is now.
Week 1: What is marriage
At base, marriage is the showing forth of God, and our joining into what He is
In that together the two, becoming one, create life through their love, and their love BECOMES life, and is named as the love between them.
New Revised Standard Version: Catholic Edition Six Days of Creation and the Sabbath

Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”

27 So God created humankind in his image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that

This idea of imaging forth God depends upon a full understanding of God as He Himself is revealed in our small Catechisms 1st article of the creed, as being the God who creates and who gives life . and this, in fully blessed Triunity, Father to Son, Son to Father, and of the two, bound together in LOVE, which is the Holy Spirit.
The Book of Concord The First Article: Creation

I believe that God has created me and all that exists; that he has given me and still sustains my body and soul, all my limbs and senses, my reason and all the faculties of my mind, together with food and clothing, house and home, family and property; that he provides me daily and abundantly with all the necessities of life, protects me from all danger, and preserves me from all evil. All this he does out of his pure, fatherly, and divine goodness and mercy, without any merit or worthiness on my part. For all of this I am bound to thank, praise, serve, and obey him. This is most certainly true.

That Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, three distinct persons in one divine essence and nature, are one God, who created heaven and earth, etc.

2. That the Father was begotten by no one, the Son was begotten by the Father, and the Holy Spirit proceeded from the Father and the Son.

and this means of course, that we image God SEXUALLY. and that marriage is SEXUALLY FRUITFUL, and moves in the direction of family. it does not exist in activity to remain static as it is in the status quo (such as marriage actively remaining marriage of 2, qua marriage of 2. But that a real active marriage, biologically allowing for it, moves toward parentage and new life.
^ in this (the imaging of God as He is ) we WORSHIP HIM. But when we worship self-service by contraceptive marriage, we worship Satan, who opposes God’s being God., and opposes life.
And this worship of the true God, through imaging that which He is, as being that which He has created us to be as we are intended to be, happens through flesh and blood. Just as He has come to marry His bride (the church), IN FLESH AND BLOOD in the incarnation of Jesus Christ. This is rooted in the ancient world, in Blood covenants. Just as He has loved His people through covenants of blood throughout Scripture (the Adamic Genesis 3:21, the Abrahamic Genesis 15:9-10, the Mosaic Ex 24:8, the Davidic (ratified first in the Solmonic 1st Temple 1 Kings 8:62, and finally/fully ratified in the true Son of David’s own blood/house, in the New, which is Christ’s own blood Mark 14:24), But deeper still, this is, as we could now say, GENETIC. and to the ancient people, together wrapped up in the Genetic, is the"identic.” That you bear a son or daughter who is of your flesh, and made from your flesh, and , that this love IN YOUR BODIES, has MADE A BODY, OF YOUR BODY, and from your body, is something that cannot and does not ever end, whether divorce, unforgiveness, adultery or otherwise takes place.
while the blood in most of the covenants across Scripture is the sacrifice of an animal, in marriage - it was understood as taking place in the breaking of the heimen symbolically, but of course, it takes place also in the general exchange of bodily fluids
its for this reason that the bible speaks of Jesus as the Son OF David, and the nations of Israel he calls ISREAEL/Jacob, and to entire nations, Edom, and of his people inside Abraham as being IN HIM, and thus also AS HIM. In this way, our children are inseperably connected to us, and we to our fathers. This is where selfishness and the idea of the self at all, to begin with, is utterly CONQUERED by this self-giving , life-creating form of procreative love in marriage. Where, in giving yourself TO another person, you BECOME another person, through the donation of life to them, in cooperation with God’s first chief miraculous act of creation - 1st Article.
IN that marriage is, holistically, an imaging of God and HIs relation to HIs people, it is FAITHFULNESS. not just commitment.
It begins with a condemnation of adultery, - but it proceeds toward the DIRECTION of unity in the always present tense. which means we cannot say, I have been faithful if I never cheated on my spouse - when we HAVE CHEATED THEM OUT OF what we promised them in our whole selves. that means, yes, sexually :

because of sexual sins, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3The husband is to fulfill his obligation to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body—her husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body—his wife does. 5Do not deprive one another, unless you both agree to do so for a time, in order to devote yourselves to prayer and then come together again, so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control

but ALSO , in regards to friendship - to being there for them always, open of ear, open of heart, and open in schedule.
- as a guiding principle - how do you exemplify God in this marriage to your spouse? How do we match that eternally infinite welcome and invitation to partnered communion in our lives with our spouse?
and yet, this marriage is not just something we do for the other, but its something that God does to us, both trhough His owrk for the otheri n and throguh us, and on us throguh them. This work is for the sanctification and perfection of the soul through the crucible of love, and self-sacrificial donation toward the other.
Thus the church (wehtehr or not she will call this a SACRAMENT PROPER, does call this SACRAMENTAL, and ICONOGRAPHIC, and - SANCTIFYING, - and yet also, WORSHIP (Rom 12:1-2).
Because in this marriage, God is working His miraculous 1st article of creation, working THE FORIGVENESS OF SIN (Art 3) and reconciliation into the world, exemplifying/expressing His trinity and pro-creative love, - abd by it, throguh working patience, and inviting us into love, is perfecting us, by which we are raised up back into the perfection fo God’s image in us, through love

13This is to continue until we all reach unity in the faith and knowledge of the Son of God, resulting in a mature man with a stature reaching to the measure of the fullness of Christ. 14The goal is that we would no longer be little children, tossed by the waves and blown around by every wind of teaching, when people use tricks and invent clever ways to lead us astray. 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we would in all things grow up into Christ, who is the head. 16From him the whole body, being joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows in accordance with Christ’s activity when he measured out each individual part. He causes the growth of the body so that it builds itself up in love.

Living Changed Lives

17So I tell you this and testify to it in the Lord: Do not walk any longer as the Gentiles walk, in their futile way of thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, due to the hardness of their hearts. 19Because they have no sense of shame, they have given themselves over to sensuality, with an ever-increasing desire to practice every kind of impurity.

20But you did not learn Christ in that way, 21if indeed you have heard of him and were taught in him (since the truth is in Jesus). 22As far as your former way of life is concerned, you were taught to take off the old self, which is corrupted by its deceitful desires, 23and to be renewed continually in the spirit of your mind, 24and to put on the new self, which has been created to be like God in righteousness and true holiness.

“sacramental” (for your sanctification and your salvation)
by challenging us, putting to death our selfishness and giving us someone to serve and to love
by being for the defeat of sexual lust and temptation (1 cor 7, 1 Timothy 5)
In its substance, Marriage “is” sex and forgiveness, in it’s substance
In many ways, marriage is a picture (icon) of Christ’s love for the church and therefore salvation.
^ therefore it cannot be conditional
HOWEVER
^ Legal marriage in the western view, with Vows, unionistic view of the east, with a blessing (no vows)
What does adultery do to a marriage according to both of these views?
Divorce?
The building of a holistically “unified life”
Week 2: relationship, Romance, and friendship
all marriages are built upon Romantic Relationships + Friendship
^ what are the differences here, and how have they played out in your relationship so far?
How did you meet? How did you grow your relationship to what it is? That’s how you will continue to deepen it.
Shared interests (already having ones, creating new ones, taking up ones your spouse has)
going on dates, outings, hanging out
“Active” company vs “passive” company
^ the danger of “passive” company
opposite gender friendships
“work spouses”
Emotional adultery
importance of having a maritally-supportive friendship network
Importance of a shared friendship circle, vs. Having “his friends” and “her friends” (and the building of a unified life)
Week 3: Sex
What it is (the giving of the self to the other for the union of flesh and creation of new life)
the concept of “duty sex” and the Scriptural teaching on the matter (your bodies are not your own (1 Cor 7)
It’s importance
Difference in libido
Frequency on Avg
Importance of acting fast to resolve issues
Importance of communication (and everything else) for this to work. That is, for what’s desired, for what’s working, what’s not working, what’s needed, etc.
“rightly ordered” sexuality & the question of the permissibility of non-procreative sex-acts as per Song of Solomon
Week 4: Children and family
Gender Roles
Birth control? 1. anti-life, 2., plan B, abortafacients. (and other negative effects of “the pill”) 3. onanism. 4. Natural family planning
^ marriage and sex are inseparably bound to the productive cause
How do you raise kids?
Boundaries with in-laws
Priority hierarchy; Spouse, kids, parents
On raising Christian children
child-raising support network
this gets harder with moving around due to pastoral ministry
Christian schooling and home-schooling and public schooling
Week 5: Money
Separate bank accounts?
Financial priorities
budgeting
Week 6: Conflict Resolution
Dealing with Crises (mental illness, adultery, disease, serious injury)
Dealing with fights
dealing with small agreements
Not holding in small issues
not assuming things the other party doesn’t say
honesty, clarity, openness, and initiative
Week 7: A Pastoral Family
Where does this fit in the priority hierarchy? (Above all else. It is not a normal profession)
Added external scrutiny
The need to move far away and be isolated
how to make friends (for the wife)
importance of the pastor to be prepared to give up friendships and hobbies
Lower end of Average Pay
high time demand
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