Parenting

Introduction

The Proverbs have more and less to say about parenting than people might think.

There is a mind set that parenting is a dice roll

Sure, you want to try, but at the end of the day, they’re just going to do whatever they want anyways.

That’s not the way the Proverbs, or the Bible talk about things.

The Proverbs consistently show that there is a connection between parenting and how a person turns out and that is that parents need to use that connection to God’s advantage. (Don’t just raise them, raise them righteously)

This is something God looks at.

In 1 Timothy 3, there are qualities that an elder is supposed to have and one is “faithful” children (There’s a connection)

Because of that connection, we can say, if you want to raise godly children, then you need to be looking to the Proverbs.

(Less) There are not a ton of specifics given.

Unfortunately, there are times when someone talks about their way of leveraging this connection is the standard.

Anyone with multiple kids has experienced the reality that every kid is different. (Difference in personality, a kid could not be neuro-typical, your personality)

Because of all of those differences, each parenting strategy has to be tailored to each home which takes....wisdom.

While you won’t find a passage that says do ____ when your kid ____ what you will find are principles and you need to ask, is my application of the principles I see working?

Hopefully you can see that there can be extremes on this topic from free for all or my way is the only way.

To avoid those extremes on this topic, I think it’s also important to remember what the Proverbs are and what they’re for… (Proverbs 1:3)

The Proverbs are here to teach us how to live righteously before God.

The Proverbs are not formulas, even when they sound that way, but they are sayings to help you understand how God wants us to live and think. (Apple a day)

On the other hand, if these Proverbs are written to instruct in righteousness then our parenting Proverbs are here to teach us how to parent righteously.

There will be some other physical applications of the Proverbs, because godly wisdom is good, but the primary focus is always going to be spiritual.

If you have a handout or want to look at it later, you’ll see that I noted over 20 Proverbs that talk about parenting.

We won’t look at all of those today, but I wanted you to be blown away by how many verses there are like I was.

Some talk about the process of parenting, some speak of the aftermath, but take a look at them some time.

The few we’ll pick out today give an overview to what parenting righteously is and why it’s so important.

As we go through I’m going to try to be as direct as I can be and try to give specific applications and we’ll round things out with a slide where I’ll help connect some dots.

Proverbs 22:15

Your kid doesn’t know what’s going on and if left to their own, things aren’t going to turn out well

Proverbs 29:15, one of the passages on the handout, says this too. (If you leave them on their own it won’t go well)

Foolishness is not knowing God’s righteousness...(An adult fool doesn’t know because he ignores...why doesn’t a kid know? Because they’re kids.)

Your child doesn’t know any better...but you do..so parents are tasked with turning “I don’t know” to “I do know.”

The idea of a child just not knowing any better is something we understand physically.

I remember several months ago I was coming up the stairs and Haddie saw me from the top of the stairs.

Why didn’t she know? Because she didn’t know any better and foolishness is bound in the heart of a youth.

It’s clear physically, but spiritually, your child doesn’t know that patience is a good thing...but you do.

Your child doesn’t know that selfishness is bad...but you do.

It’s your job to separate that through discipline.

When I say “discipline” I’m sure your brain moves in a particular direction.

Punishment (Spanking, stern talking to, time-out, something punitive)

Biblically speaking, sometimes, it does mean some sort of punishment. (Like in this verse)

Other times the word is translated as instruction or teaching

Training is probably I think the English word that best captures what discipline is about.

Sometimes that’s a punishment to correct a bad habit that’s formed.

Other times it’s teaching or instructing or working through something.

Sometimes it’s helping to recreate good things you’ve done.

Just be mindful that discipline is not less than punishment, but it is bigger than just punishment.

All in all, one of the main points of the Proverbs is that children don’t know what righteous living is and they need you to help show them what that is.

Proverbs 22:6 - Read

This is maybe the most famous parenting proverb and the one that gives people the most fits

That is most likely due to the definitive nature of the phrase “he will not depart” (Guarantee, lived experience tells us that’s not the case)

This is one of the verses where we really have to appeal back to what Proverbs are and what Solomon says these Proverbs are here for.

This verse is talking about training up a child righteously

This is not a formula

What is this verse referring to?

Start your kid out on the right track.

Point them in the right direction, because how you start has a huge influence on where you end up.

This ends up being true regardless of whether or not we were intentional about the training aspect.

Everyone can point to things about themselves, good or bad, that can be traced back to your formative years.

This Proverb is saying use that to God’s advantage, use this training period to put them on the right track.

The person they will be when they’re old is who you’re shaping right now.

On their road through life, after they’re away from you, they’re experience more things that shape them.

Who you started them out to be will impact how they’re shaped by those experiences too.

This is why it is so important to be training them to do good things and avoid bad things.

Over time it becomes who they are.

This is really good if we have good habits, but can be catastrophic if we haven’t rooted out bad ones.

I’ll give you an example...outbursts of anger is one of those things that is bad OT and NT

Not anger itself, but uncontrolled outbursts. (Ephesians 4:26)

So what should I do if my 2 year old is having a temper tantrum?

If I don’t discipline or train him out of that behavior, am I starting him out on the right track?

What does that uncontrolled anger look like at 12? Now a teacher has to deal with it too.

At 22 now his girlfriend has to deal with outbursts of anger.

At 32 his kids have to deal with it.

If somehow he hides all of that and becomes an elder of a church...now at 62 a whole congregation is dealing with that.

I understand nobody wants to think of their baby boy like that.

What the Proverbs are saying is he isn’t always going to be your baby boy.

He has a whole life to live and there are so many more things that he’s going to do in life.

The person he’s going to be and the type of impact he’s going to have on the world and God’s kingdom starts with you.

VERY RELATED

Proverbs 19:18 - Discipline while you still have the chance.

There is a window with which you have to really do the training.

Part of this is speaking to the fact that the longer you wait to train, the more difficult it is.

Some habits, once formed, are incredibly difficult to work out of. (Get to it early while there is hope)

I think this verse is also just referring to the idea that once a child is out on your own, training is different.

They’re still your child, but once they’re out doing their own thing, your influence is diluted.

This passage is reminding us that time comes quicker than you’d think.

It reminds me of something Trevor said to me a long time ago.

I was hanging out with him and Miles for I think his 10th birthday.

Trevor remarked that Miles had already been in his house for a longer period of time than he had left in his house.

It’s a small window.

This should create a sense of urgency when it comes to parenting.

Not panic, but urgency.

I think panic leads you more into, my kid did something and we have to sound all the alarms.

But urgency says I need to make the most of the time.

Because this verse does point out, if you neglect the duty of a parent and things don’t turn out well, the Lord looks at you for that.

Increase good and limit the “bad.”

This is actually very similar to the instructions given to Adam in the beginning

“Cultivate and keep” the garden. (Good things grow, protect from bad)

That’s a simplified version of what you’re doing with your children.

There are things that God wants people doing...start them on the right track.

There is a certain heart posture that God wants His people to have, train up those things in your child.

There are things God doesn’t want people doing, train them away from those things.

Good traits need to be developed.

Any one here who has played an instrument or a sport can attest to that.

If your kid shows kindness, give them some positive feed back. Encourage them.

I think it may even be a good idea to be over the top with rewarding good things because we serve a God who wants to see us do good, not just avoid bad.

Our Father in heaven talks about granting entrance into the kingdom because we gave a little cup of cold water.

Again, discipline is not just stopping bad, it’s about training towards good things.

Sometimes there are not good traits, but notice two things about the latter part of the sentence.

Notice I said limit the bad, because you are not going to keep your kid from developing any bad traits.

You’re not going to raise a perfect kid and setting that as the goal is going to make it miserable for parents and children.

You’re going to limit the bad and give them the good tools they need to understand grace and to learn how to acknowledge sin and repent from bad.

Also notice I put bad in quotes here because many times bad things that show up in kids are actually good things that just haven’t been disciplined or structured yet.

We have to have the wisdom to notice those moments and train accordingly.

For example; Nellie is my persistent child.

Do I need to teach her that being impatient isn’t a good thing? Yes, but I need to do it in a way that doesn’t stifle the persistence.

We are told to be persistent to our father in prayer.

We are told to be persistent in faith.

Hopefully you can see that while it can be simplified to encourage good and discourage bad, there is nuance there that takes attentiveness from you as a parent.

Teach respect for God.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

There are way too many good and bad things for you to have a list of every single good and bad thing that’s there to manage.

The core is teaching them to value God and His word

The first step to that is teaching them to respect you.

You’re the first example of an authority figure for your kid.

This means you need to use your authority in the same loving manner that God does.

But this also means you need to exercise authority to bring about the proper things in their lives.

If they don’t respect you who they can see, the odds of them respecting God who they can’t see is lower.

This means they need to be able to respect your word.

They need to know that when you say yes, this is something good for them, and when you say no it’s not.

Be careful about empty threats or responding out of frustration. (Trust your word)

This has physical implications. (Shipp running into the street)

But more importantly this has spiritual ramifications.

Think long-term.

So much of the Proverbs in general are about shifting the perspective to long term.

That’s why hasty decisions are something to avoid.

Understanding how what you’re doing will affect the long term is peak wisdom.

Parenting is no different.

Some aspects of training are hard.

Sometimes it’s just because of the season.

Sometimes it’s because of something going on with that specific child.

The things you don’t address now will be more difficult later. (5 v 15)

The things you don’t address now will be addressed later and sometimes by someone else.

I’ve got a friend from back home who served as an older brother figure when we were much younger.

His mom was not diligent in disciplining him and keeping him on the right path.

You know who ended up getting him closer to the right path? (1st it was a police officer and then it was I think 10 years in prison)

Not everything is that extreme, but there are certain behaviors that have to be answered for before God and we as parents want to get to that first.

Seek and pray for godly wisdom.

Ask any parent here and they’ll tell you 2 things.

There were tough decisions.

They did not make all the right choices.

You are not expected to have all the answers.

But we still want to give ourselves the best chances to make the right decisions, so we need to be asking for wisdom.

This means leaning on people who have raised godly children.

We’ve already mentioned that being a quality for elders.

Titus 2 talks about older women teaching younger women how to “love their children.”

For the tough moments, it’s good to see what other parents have done.

Even when you think you’ve got a good handle on things, it’s good to ask questions.

Sometimes that can be awkward and that’s one of the negative effects that’s popped up as people have become more and more individualized.

This is “my family” and I need to handle this or no one else can say anything.

But we know we need help, so nowadays folks will turn to google and social media and frankly that’s just inferior to asking godly people.

1st off, many of the questions you have need back and forth and a relationship.

2nd, if part of parting is instilling righteousness, then seeking wisdom from folks who don’t have that as a part of their process can be risky.

Maybe you feel like you’re not close enough to any brethren, well get closer. (I guarantee if you ask...)

God wants us to seek wisdom from wise people so we can know how to pass that wisdom on to our kids.

When talking about seeking wisdom, I’d be out of line if I didn’t mention prayer.

James says if you need wisdom ask God.

If your child is young and you’re trying to figure out when to start disciplining and what that looks like, pray.

When your little girl is bigger and you’re trying to learn how to incorporate some bigger topics, pray.

When your boy hasn’t quite been taking to the training, pray.

If you’re in a tough season, talk to God about it.

Assess and react.

After all that, so much of this boils down to asking the question, “What we’re doing, is it working?”

After you figure out the good and the bad, and you have the long-term vision, and you’ve been seeking wisdom, at the end of the day you’re going to make your own decisions.

Those are going to be shaped by the wisdom you’ve received, your upbringing, your children, circumstances, etc.

It’s important to assess and see is the plan working?

The thing we’re doing, the training that’s taking place, the priorities we’re setting as a family, are they promoting godliness in our kids?

If the answer is no, be willing to adjust.

In a weird way, pride can become an issue parenting, especially if you decided early on this is how I’m going to do it.

At the end of the day it’s about doing what’s best for your child.

I know in your mind you might be thinking, well how long do I give it?

No formulas.

I think it is always good to err on the side of grace and patience.

But if you’ve been trying to develop a certain trait for a bit of time and yet nothing is happening, maybe it is time to reconsider and react.

Conclusion

Like I said in the beginning, there is a lot to say about parenting from the proverbs.

I think that captures just how there is a lot that goes into parenting.

Be wise.

Put God and godliness first.

Value your child’s spiritual well being.

Paul will sum it up this way.

I asked Macy for some suggestions

She said don’t forget to mention how joyful parenting can be.

I actually couldn’t find a single proverb about the joy of parenting during parenting. (Several talk in the aftermath that we’ll talk about in 2 weeks)

We had a good chuckle about that and you can make of that what you want.

I did decide to grab a Psalm from Psalm 127

Having kids is a blessing or a reward from God.

Does that mean that every moment feels like a blessing?

But it is true and you only get to experience each part of the blessing for a select amount of time.

You only get a year with your 2 year old, and 10...