3. Resetting Expectations: Till Death Do Us Part

Scripture Reading

Ephesians 5:31–33 ““Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Colossians 3:12–14 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Intro

Adam and Grace

Their’s was a story that was… unfortunately… all too common.

Grace and Adam sat there on the couch barely able to look at each other.

They were both holding back tears just looking at the ground.

Where had it all gone wrong?

When they got married they were so in love.

Everything was… perfect.

They had had a fairy tale wedding after a fairy tale engagement.

Adam had swept Grace off her feet and he thought he was the luckiest guy in the world.

But then real life stepped in.

It started off small at first.

A little argument here… a little argument there.

They started going to bed angry even though they promised they would never do that.

Life got hard… the pressures mounted up.

And kids just made them more busy.

They stopped connecting… they stopped clicking…

Until one day they didn’t know where the love was anymore.

Where did it all go so wrong.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way…

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard… was it?

It seemed like every fight always turned into some form of Grace saying “I don’t feel like you love me anymore” and Adam saying, “No matter what I do its never good enough.”

Neither of them were happy and both of them knew it.

What happened to their fairy tale ending?

What happened to the love they had when they first got married?

Broken Expectations

The fact is Adam and Grace… and countless other marriages… go into marriage with unrealistic expectations.

They think, “Well, once a fairy tale… always a fairy tale.”

We love each other!… Marriage should just be easy.

And that all sounds great until sin starts to creep in.

Until sin comes and kicks our fairy tale ending in the teeth.

The fact is every single one of us is married to a sinner….

And us two sinners are all married to one another in a fallen and sinful world.

There are going to be hardships and struggles in marriage.

External hardships from the pressures of the world…

And internal hardships from our own sin.

And if you go into marriage thinking its just always going to be a fairy tale ending… you’re going to get disappointed.

You’re going to sin… you’re spouse is going to sin… and that fairy tale ending is going to come crashing down real quick.

Broken expectations lead to disappointment… and disappointment… if you’re not careful… leads to bitterness and resentment.

So many marriages struggle because they have unrealistic expectations about what a marriage is and what a marriage should be.

We idealize marriage where we think we will always be happy… always together… always on the same page…

And so… when the marriage gets hard… and that fairy tale ending isn’t just automatically there… it must be the other person’s fault.

I mean I want to be happy and our marriage used to make us happy… but now they’re not letting me… or their not giving it to me.

I’m miserable and its all their fault… and the whole thing starts to spiral.

This marriage that was once full of love and affection… has become all about finger pointing, fighting, bickering, and laying the blame.

The whole marriage hits a giant road block because of unmet expectations.

Resetting Expectations

But when you have the right expectations even the hard things of marriage can still be good because you’re living with the grain of what God created marriage to be.

So what I want to do this morning is I want to reset expectations.

I want to give us a biblical vision of all that marriage is for…

All the good gifts and purposes for which God gave marriage.

And resetting expectations helps us build healthier and stronger marriages in several ways.

Number 1… it will define for us what a truly happy marriage is.

A happy marriage is not one that is all about me… its one that is all about God and His purposes.

Number 2… Having the right expectations shows us what we should be aiming for working for in our marriage.

Are the goals that we have for our marriage or what we are looking to get out of marriage biblical ones or have we shrunk them down to the size of our own happiness.

And number 3… having the right expectations shows us the duties we have as a husband or wife that we are to give ourselves to.

When we talk about sexual holiness… mutual help… are we giving ourselves to those things… striving for those things for the good and blessing of our spouse?

We are going to have 6 biblical expectations for the good gift of marriage and what marriage is for to actually have our fairy tale ending defined the by the Bible and not our own happiness.

Number 1…

I. The Glory of Christ

This is what we talked about the last two weeks so we won’t spend a lot of time with it here.

But first and foremost… your marriage belongs to God and exists for the glory of Christ.

Colossians 1:16–17 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—

Or marriages or husbands and wives….

all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

The defining goal and aim of your marriage is… Christ.

He is the center.

He is the whole purpose and reason of everything!

And so the goal of your marriage is to set Christ at center of your marriage and make your marriage all about Him.

And what does that look like?

Living your marriage for the glory of Christ by making your marriage a picture of the gospel

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 4:25).

Husbands… sacrificially lay down your life for the good and blessing of your wife.

Preach to her the gospel of His sacrificial love in how you love… provide… protect… lead… and care for her.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22).

Honor him… respect him… come alongside and be his helper… encourager… his biggest cheerleader.

Seek to be a blessing and not a yoke around his neck.

And by your gentle and submissive conduct… preach to him the gospel of Christ’s glory and honor as as the King of kings and Lord of lords who is worthy of all our obedience…

And the gospel that Jesus Christ came to save sinners and redeems us from the curse of the Fall by living out the opposite of the curse that said, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16).

Does the one flesh union of your marriage covenant preach the gospel of our spiritual union with Christ?

Of His sacrificial love… covenant faithfulness… grace… mercy… and forgiveness?

Or does your marriage preach an anti-gospel of selfishness…. bitterness… resentment… and pride living only for yourself?

Live your marriage for the glory of Christ by making your marriage a picture of the gospel.

Number 2…

II. Sanctification

This is usually the hard one because sanctification is… hard.

Its difficult to repent of our own sin and its difficult to live with a sinner who also sins against us.

But that’s what marriage is… two sinners joined together in holy matrimony.

And how you deal with sanctification can either make your marriage a cage match… or a forge that… while difficult… with humbleness and repentance can make you both more and more like Christ.

Because here’s the thing… marriage when you follow it God’s way does make you happy.

We’re going to see that… its a great blessing.

God Himself is the one that said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

But God didn’t just give us marriage to make us happy… he gave it to make us holy.

Now obviously single people can grow in holiness and sanctification and married people are not automatically more holy and are on some higher rung of Christianity.

What I’m saying is that Marriage… unlike any other relationship… forces you to deal with your sin and extend grace and forgiveness when your sinned against because in the marriage covenant… you can’t just walk away.

At some point or another… if you are going to have a good marriage you are going to need to deal with your sin.

And so the marriage covenant… in a unique way… is a crucible that God uses to forces us to Put on Christ and put off the Old Self in a way that many of us are to proud and sinful to ever do on our own if we were just left to ourselves.

That broken relationship that’s broken because of our sin has to be dealt with.

Old Self Marriage

Look at what the Bible says about the Old Self… the Men and Women we were before Christ.

Colossians 3:8–10 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its Creator.

Do you see the Works of the Old Self in your marriage?

Anger… wrath.. malice?

Obscene talk?

Are you kind to one another speaking the truth in love [letting] no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear?… That’s Ephesians 4:29.

Do your words and the way you speak to one another build up or tear down?

Are you living in an Old Self Marriage?

New Self Marriage

Now look what Paul says about the New Self.

Colossians 3:12–14 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Just from reading through that list you can see how much putting on Christ and growing in sanctification can absolutely transform your marriage.

Compassionate hearts…

Kindness…

Humility… Meekness… Patience.

Bearing with one another… forgiving one another.

The way to have peace in your home by both of you dying to yourself.

Stop living in an Old Self Marriage and start living a New Self Marriage by putting on Christ.

How often do we think about these kinds of verses and these kinds of commands with inner holiness and other relationships but rarely with our spouse?

Marriage is sanctifying because the close quarters of the Marriage relationship forces you to deal with your sin and grow in Christ.

Your marriage is going to be rough without it.

Without dying to self and repenting of sin… its going to be all the Old Self… anger, wrath, malice.

Putting on the New Self together… both of you!… growing in sanctification is the only way to have a Happily Ever After.

Without sanctification… your marriage will be stuck.

Good vs. Happy

This is one of those spots where the right expectations matter a lot.

Sanctification is not easy.

Its hard.

Its hard to deal with your own sin and its hard to live with someone else whose a sinner and still respond to them in a Christ like way forgiving them 70 times 7 when you’re the one sinned against!

If your marriage is all about you… your ease… your comfort… your personal happiness that sanctification is going to lead to broken expectations because your spouse is not perfect.

But if your marriage is for the glory of Christ then the hardship of sanctification either way… yours or your spouses… might be hard… but its still good.

Its all worth it because you want to grow in Christ and you want to see them grow in Christ.

And that Christ centered focus is what makes grace and mercy possible in a relationship.

Number 3…

III. Children

Genesis 1:27–28 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.

It is the responsibility of every Christian family to have children in as much as they are able.

Infertility/Miscarriage

Now I want to be careful here and make it really clear that I’m speaking here generally and I want to pastorally care for and help those that are struggling with the bitter providence of infertility or a Miscarriage.

And I’m going to say up front… nothing I can say is going to make it all better.

I know that.

That pain and longing to have children is deep and it can be tempting to think that its the responsibility of every Christian family to have children as much as they are able to think that God hates you or thinks you wouldn’t be a good parent when nothing could be further from the truth.

I don’t know why God chooses in His wise and most holy providence to not give some Christian couples families.

Its a normal question to ask… God why?… Why not us?… Why can’t we have a child?

But I do know that God is good… He is always in control… and He promises to work all things together for His glory and our good (Romans 8:28-29).

Now that’s easy to say when you’re not in the thick of it, but that’s where faith comes in.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

God I don’t see it… I don’t know what you’re doing but I trust you.

Here’s what I also know…

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

And its the Lord who opens and closes the womb (Genesis 29:31, 30:22; 20:18, 1 Samuel 1:5-6, Genesis 16:2, 18:4,

He is the One who is sovereign over life and knits together all those in the womb (Psalm 139:13).

So God is not absent or far off from you in your suffering… He’s right there in it.

And there are several stories in Scripture where God has used barrenness to show His power, His grace and His glory just like He will with you.

Whether that’s Abraham and Sarah…

Hannah praying to the Lord for the Prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 1:5-6)…

And Zechariah and Elizabeth having John the Baptist.

The point is… don’t give up hope.

Pray to the Lord.

Beg Him to do what only He can do… and at the same time entrust yourself to His hands saying God we trust your plan more than what we want.

Like Paul says Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Your suffering is not wasted.

God is going to use and redeem all of it whether that’s giving you a child or something different plan.

The key is having the heart of Psalm 16:5–6 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

In other words… God you’re enough… I believe Help my unbelief (Mark 9:23-25).

Blessing

But generally speaking Christians should have babies.

Now how many?

The Bible doesn’t say… all it says is be fruitful and multiply.

The Holy Spirit will lead you into what that means for you and your family.

There’s no magic number.

But the point is: children are a blessing and an inheritance from the Lord

Psalm 127:3–5 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

So here’s the encouragement to all you young families… all the work… all the business… all the meals and the diapers… and the money and the hospital bills and the teenagers and all the hardship that keeps the world from having kids and seeing them as nothing more than an inconvenience… its all part of God’s plan.

Its all part of God’s blessing for marriage.

Number 4…

IV. Sexual Holiness

Again and again the Bible tells us to flee from sexual immorality and that the sexually immoral will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:18, 9).

Before the Fall this was not necessary because there was no temptation for sexual sin… but in a post fall world God has given marriage as a guard and defense against sexual immorality.

Paul says..

1 Corinthians 7:2–3, 5 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband… Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Now… Lord willing… we may do a whole sermon on this but the point is proper affection for one another in marriage is a guard against sexual immorality.

Paul even tells singles that if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9).

In other words, God’s ordained means for satisfying that desire is Marriage.

In the marriage covenant it is not something unclean or impure… it is a gift of God for the man and wife to enjoy together.

Proverbs 5:15–19 Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well… Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.

Intoxicated… raptured… enamored.

God has given marriage for a husband and his wife to delight in each other.

And that mutual delight is holiness.

Number 5…

V. Mutual Help

Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

So Eve was made a Helper for Adam but Adam receives Eve as bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh so there’s a mutual help implied here (Genesis 2:23).

Like Paul says in Ephesians 5:28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Their one flesh union was a completely shared life where all that was the husband’s was the wife’s where her good was his good and she was taken from his side to be under the protection of His arm and loving care.

Job 14:1 says Man who is born of a woman is few of days and full of trouble.

Therefore we all need help for the troubled days.

Singles?

Now does this imply that singles are without help or deficient in some good gift?

Not at all.

Paul calls singleness a gift in its own way because it allows someone to serve the Lord with quote “undivided devotion” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35; 7:7).

And the single person has the gift of the Church as the body of Christ (Matthew 19:29).

Always There

But marriage carries with it a particular gift of mutual help.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–11 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

In a spouse we have someone who is always there and always by our side.

Someone to pick us up when we are down.

More Than A Friend

What we have in a spouse is more than a friend.

A friend can’t be there every hour for every need… they have their own cares… their own needs.

But the one flesh union with our spouse binds us together in an inseparable way.

They are a help who is always there.

Always ready.

They share our every affliction and because we are one flesh they carry it with us in a way that a friend never could.

We might bear one another’s burdens but we don’t share them as a husband a wife.

Whatever struggles… whatever troubles our spouse is always there to help carry the load.

To share that yoke of affliction with us.

Listen to what Joel Beeke said…

A married man… [or a woman]… has a companion who enters [their] heart, partakes of all that happens to [them], is touched by all [their] disasters, and does everything in [their] power to sweeten [their] condition, ease [their] mind, cheer [their] heart, and share [their] troubles. Husbands and wives can help one another in keeping troubles at bay; and when that proves impossible, they can help by bearing one another’s burdens, supplying each other’s wants, and being helpers to each other’s joy.

Beeke, Joel R.; La Belle, James A.. Living in a Godly Marriage (pp. 53-54).

Think of your vows.

To have and to hold from this day forward,

for better or for worse,

for richer or for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish,

All the days of my life.

That’s a helper!

Growing Old

Think of it as you two growing old together.

That needs to be the vision of your marriage.

When old age comes and one of you gets sick… caring for each other… helping each other.

Sacrificially serving one another until one of you is on the death bed comforting each other all along the way.

That day… hopefully way off in the future… should define every day your marriage until then.

Maybe some of you need to repent of not being a good Helper.

Of not coming alongside… of not always being there.

Of letting bitterness and resentment get in the way of what God gave you to each other to be.

Two are better than one for if they fall, one will lift the other up.

Finally… Number 5…

VI. Friendship

Song of Solomon 5:16 The Bride says of her Husband His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

Where the last point dealt with mutual help this one deals with mutual love and companionship.

In Malachi 2:14 God says that the wife of your youth is “your companion and your wife by covenant.”

A companion is someone who walks with you and is always by your side… their always there in the highs and the lows.

So part of the Marriage Covenant is the Covenant of Companionship.

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a marriage can give.

Its a special blessing when you have your husband or wife as your best friend.

That friendship brings a joy and a sweetness to life that is unlike anything else.

We might have close friends but there is no one like a friend who is one flesh.

A friend is someone you share everything with… your joys and your sorrows… even your very self.

Its the idea of fellowship.

A mutual sharing and enjoyment in one another.

Think about it… When you get good news who do you call?

Its not just anyone… you call a friend who will share in your joy and excitement.

When you get bad news or have a trouble… you call your friend who will share the burden as their own and genuinely seek to help.

That’s the great blessing we have in our spouse.

Face to Face

When God spoke to Moses Exodus 33:11 says Thus the Lord used to speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend.

So this friendship is a face to face closeness.

Theres an intimacy there… a commitment.

Its something that takes work in your marriage.

It doesn’t and it won’t just happen by accident.

You have to cultivate that friendship.

Garden

As I’ve told you… marriage is a garden.

You have to pull out the weeds rudeness and bad attitudes and plant daily sees of love.

You have to water it… care for it.

You have to resist the laziness and familiarity that often comes with marriage.

Its all too easy to take our spouse for granted.

But think about when you first started dating.

You sent notes… talked on the phone… sent texts.

Went on dates… gave each other hugs… probably snuck a kiss…

The point is you made an effort there.

You did everything together and looked for every excuse to spend time together.

That doesn’t just stop once you get married… you should keep cultivating that so that your marriage doesn’t die on the vine.

Now this is sometimes easier than others.

For some of you its easy to make your husband or wife you’re best friend.

You like to do the same things and its like its no effort at all.

Hobbies (Fishing, Golf, Puzzles)

For others its going to take some work.

You might have to do some things that aren’t your favorite thing to do.

Wives go fishing or ride in the golf cart with your husband… you might have no interest in those, but you can spend time with your husband.

Husbands do things with your wife.

If your wife likes to do puzzles, now you like to do puzzles to.

(And listen a good glass of bourbon and a puzzle ain’t so bad… at least that’s what I’m told.)

Dates

Go on dates!

Make the sacrifice. Find the time.

It doesn’t have to be Ruth Chris… just spend time together.

Talk

And Talk!

Share your day… your hopes… your troubles… and your life.

Flirt

Flirt!

Have fun.

Who else you are going to flirt with.

Don’t Be Strangers

Don’t let your life or your marriage become all business where you look up one day when the kids are gone and you’re wondering who is this person?

Do we have anything in common?

Where’s the relationship.

Build the relationship!… Cultivate your Garden.

Find ways to make your lives overlap.

The more your lives overlap the closer your friendship will become.

Conclusion

Having biblical expectations are the key to a happy and healthy marriage.

Living with the grain of how God created the world and making our goals for marriage God’s goals for marriage.

Having these right expectations also tells us what we should be working for our marriage.

Glory of Christ

Marriage is given for the glory of Christ so live your marriage for the glory of Christ by making your marriage a picture of the Gospel.

Sanctification

God gave marriage for sanctification so put on Christ instead of digging in your heels.

Live out a New Self Marriage and not one of the Old Self.

Children

God gave marriage for the procreation of Godly offspring so have kids and raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Sexual Holiness

Sexual Holiness… pursue your spouse. Delight in your spouse.

Don’t let romance fall by the wayside.

Mutual Help/Friendship

And finally… God gave marriage for our mutual help and friendship.

So Love one another and do all that you can to cultivate a marriage where your husband or your wife is your best friend.

Let’s Pray