Choosing a Person to Date SoS 1:9-2:7

When it comes to relationships, you can be one of two people. Either dating was the most joyous time of your life and you loved every aspect of it, or you hated the all inducing anxiety of it.

Julie has often asked me if she would die would I remarry. I do not have to get it much thought. No, I hated the dating steps beforehand. Plucking up the courage to ask a girl, no thanks.

Now that is not to say in the midst of dating Julie I had the same feelings. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and joy to be had. But leading up to it...nope.

You may find yourself in the same boat or thought the same things. But how do we navigate this season or help to guide those that we are around or know who are looking to getting into dating?

Read Song of Solomon 1:9–2:7 “I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots. Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make for you ornaments of gold, studded with silver. While the king was on his couch, my nard gave forth its fragrance. My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts. My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi. Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful. Our couch is green; the beams of our house are cedar; our rafters are pine. I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women. As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me! I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

Helping them see 3 areas of life for successful dating is a good place to start.

How to start a dating Relationship

1. Start with time

There is no rush. You know as well as I do that when you rush you miss things or ignore important things in life. Do not do it. Especially with one of the major life decisions you can make. Apart from salvation, marriage is the biggest decision that will have the largest impact in your life.

So spend time together in group settings to start. Be around them in situations that you can see if that would be a good option for a deeper relationship.

Again being attracted on a first level, he/she is cute is not bad. Being able to see the second level of character matters as well.

2. Do not pressure the relationship

We are talking about the beginning steps of evaluation. So do some casual “hang out” type of dates. Group dates of doubles or triple like dates. Where you go out with groups of friends but there is some layer of seriousness to it.

How do they respond being around others. How do they respond to you during this time. Most importantly stay in public areas. Do not put yourself in potentially compromising areas.

Romans 13:14 “...make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”

Song of Solomon 1:16–17 “Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful. Our couch is green; the beams of our house are cedar; our rafters are pine.”

They are enjoying a picnic in the open, insight of others to see them.

Romantic but not private is important to see here.

3. Build Respect

This is important for both, but it is critical men that the woman you are dating/courting/married to knows you like being with her. You are willing to be romantic through respect.

You might ask how? Listening is the highest level of respect a woman can feel and see from you.

If she doesn’t feel like you listen to her, then she will have a had time believing you love her.

Song of Solomon 1:9–10 “I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots. Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels.”

Now you may ask, Pastor am I to say to her she is a horse? Let’s remember this is poetry and this is how Solomon expressed a truth to her. A white horse in this culture was viewed as pure, as a visible sign, and highly valuable.

Solomon is saying, “I take notice of you and value you above all else.”

Building respect and romance says, “I value you above all others. I am looking at you and desire to build you up.”

Kindness is a mark of respect. Respect is necessary for romance. A relationship without romance is flat, even dead.

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (p. 26). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

How does she respond to Solomon’s respect, romance?

Song of Solomon 1:12–14 “While the king was on his couch, my nard gave forth its fragrance. My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts. My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi.”

She is thinking fondly of him. The nard was a pouch that would hang from the necklace of a woman to give a perfume like scent. And she is saying as I am home and I smell these fragrances they remind me of him.

No woman who is mistreated, disrespected, or is not given valuable time to will respond like this.

These are helpful compass principles as you are moving through a relationship with someone. If at any point time or respect wanes or pressure builds that you feel uncomfortable about this is a good indication to move on from the relationship.

What should I Expect in Dating?

1. Growing Communication

You should desire to listen more to your significant other and it should get easier to talk to them.

Communication is a big part of marriage and it is more than relaying information.

A key question a woman should ask during dating is this: Does he really listen to me and seek out my opinion and ideas? Any man can do the romantic thing temporarily. Any man can be on his best behavior for a season. Any man can show good manners, a civil tongue, and tender kindness for a while. A man who truly knows how to listen, however, has the capacity to continue to listen.

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (p. 28). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Listening is a universal sign of wisdom. If someone will not listen intently to you during dating, they likely will not listen to you after you are married.

Song of Solomon 2:1–2 “I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women.”

Notice the change of tone from Song of Solomon 1:5 “I am very dark..”

A good dating relationship helps to boost self-esteem and build each other up.

Roses, lilies are rare flowers and highly valuable. Just as apple trees were not a frequent tree in the middle east. The flowers speak to the woman as a highly valuable and precious thing. The tree for Solomon speaks of strength and nutrients.

Which brings us to the 2nd expectation:

2. Growing in Endearment

Song of Solomon 2:3–4 “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.”

They had this growing desire as their relationship grew. Which is important to see that if you do not feel protected, comfort, or love from being around someone you should reconsider that relationship.

This is probably one of the great flaws that can come into the relationship of dating if we are not careful and can be why people may find someone who could be abusive. Be careful in that.

If you experience any abusive behavior whatsoever in your dating relationship—verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual—get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. Abusive behavior does not disappear over time; if anything, it intensifies, and its eruptions have increasingly catastrophic results. Abuse is not rooted in love or hate; it is rooted in issues related to power and self-identity within the abusive person. The issues are not easily resolved, and if you are the date of an abusive person, it is not your role to resolve them. You should feel 100 percent safe in the presence of a person you are dating at all times.

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (p. 32). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

In fact if you find character flaws, do not expect those to magically change after marriage.

Just as the woman should feel that protection, care, love from the man. It is important for the woman to demonstrate respect to him.

Never tear down the reputation of the man you are dating, especially in the presence of others. Build him up. Thank him for his kindness to you. Appreciate all he does on your behalf. Treat him as the only apple tree in a pine forest.

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (pp. 32-33). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

The 3rd expectation

3. Lack of Pressure

If you are in a relationship that you feel or sense expectations to grow beyond where they should be. This is a warning sign.

As they grew in their relationship we see Solomon and the woman growing more fond of each other.

Song of Solomon 2:3–4 “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.”

No expectation of performance but joy in their relationship.

4. Proud of Your Relationship

If you feel guilt or shame in the relationship and do not want to be seen around them...this is another warning sign. You should be glad for people to know you are in a relationship.

Song of Solomon 2:4 “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.”

They went in public and declared he is mine and she is mine.

The idea of the banner was an identity, a sense of presence, and in a way a blessing to be in this relationship with Solomon.

In our modern context I wear my team jersey or wave their flag would be something of equivalence.

All of this is building towards something...a deeper relationship that would eventually lead to a serious commitment to each other.

The Building Passion

Song of Solomon 2:5 “Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love.”

What does this mean?

In the culture, raisins were considered love enhancers. They were in some ways considered aphrodisiacs.

The apples or more accurately translated pomegranates were to be considered the same visual picture.

We are seeing their passion is growing beyond the casual dating relationship towards a more serious relationship and part of that is a natural desire to be physically with the other person.

Song of Solomon 2:6 “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!”

Is that wrong? No, being attracted in this way in a god honoring way, not flaunting yourself, is good but what we do in the midst of it matters.

So what do we do with the building passion?

1. Restraint is important

Sexual desire and passion come from God. They are gifts that He established in Gen 1-2

But where does God say to place these? In the context of marriage.

Let me be very clear about one thing. At no time in God’s Word is sex apart from marriage considered honorable, right, or in keeping with God’s plan. Marriage first, sex after the vows are said—that is God’s plan. Sexual promiscuity, living together before marriage, and sex outside marriage are wrong in God’s eyes. No extenuating circumstances. No “ifs.” No “ands.” And no “but what abouts?” Sex outside the bounds of marriage is labeled in the Scriptures either as fornication (between unmarried participants) or as adultery (one or both participants are married).

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (pp. 38-39). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Song of Solomon 2:7 “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

Don’t awaken love before its time. The picture is of the gazelle or doe. They are easily spooked. She is saying be careful to not jump into love before its time.

The balance of God’s masterful representation of intimate relationship is key. Sex, attraction, and intimacy is important but in its God ordained time and place.

So what do we do?

2. Keep It Contained

This isn’t the prude way of thinking but rather the wisdom in the place of dating.

Think of it like this...fire.

Sex is good but it isn’t the end all be all to the relationship and if entered into prematurely will actually cause great harm.

Sex is the culmination of a well built relationship and an enhancer to the ultimate form of intimacy that God knew and designed to be enjoyed in marriage. It is the statement, “I am committed to you as one flesh and there is no shame to the vulnerability that is present in this act.

Keeping a fire going requires boundaries and appropriate fuel. In marriage, that fuel is growing respect, tenderness, admiration, mutual desires and dreams, mutual Christlike relationships with others (extended family, children, friends, business associations, community relationships), memories and traditions established over time, romance and ongoing expressions of affection, and so forth. Sex outside marriage does not have either boundaries or appropriate fuel.

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (p. 42). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Premarital sex is cheap and demanding. Sex as God intends is to be awoken in marriage.

Dating is a time of growing restraint and operating within boundaries. Living in a way that demonstrate trust in God’s timing and plan rather than our fleshly passions.

Next Steps:

Good questions to ask in dating a potential future spouse...

Do they have a quiet time with the Lord?

Do they serve and are active in a church or body of believers?

Do you have similar goals and passions for serving God?

Find someone who is running in the same direction and the same speed as you are and if they are cute think about running life together.

When you find a person you enjoy dating—a person with whom you have increasingly good communication and a growing spiritual kinship, for whom you have continued respect and greater feelings of endearment, and about whom you have no embarrassment and no fear—you will eventually come to the point where you begin to court that person.

Nelson, Tommy. The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy (pp. 46-47). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

Things to consider:

Do we have the same convictions about dating and relationships?

What would be the deal breaker to stop dating someone?

Am I a better follower of Jesus because of this relationship?

What are my strong Christian friends telling me about this person?