Healthy Homes (Pt. I)

EXCITE

Every culture has ideas about what makes a good marriage.

Some say it's communication.

Others say it's compatibility.

Some emphasize romance.

Others focus on shared goals or financial stability.

While all of those things have value, Paul asks a much deeper question:

What should a marriage look like if Jesus truly is Lord?

That's the question behind Ephesians 5.

Remember where we've been in this letter. Paul has spent three chapters telling us what Christ has done for us. Then beginning in chapter 4, he shifts to how believers are to live because of the gospel.

Walk worthy of your calling.

Walk in unity.

Walk in holiness.

Walk in love.

Walk in light.

Walk in wisdom.

Now Paul brings all of those commands home—literally.

If the gospel changes our hearts, it should also change our homes.

If Jesus is Lord on Sunday morning, He must also be Lord on Monday evening around the dinner table.

The Christian home isn't meant to look like every other home in the neighborhood. It is meant to become a living picture of the gospel.

That's why Paul doesn't begin with techniques for a happier marriage or better communication. He begins with Christ.

A Christian marriage is not primarily about two people trying to make each other happy.

It is about two people helping one another display the relationship between Christ and His church.

That means this passage is about much more than husbands and wives.

It's about Jesus.

He's the model for submission.

He's the model for leadership.

He's the model for sacrificial love.

And when husbands and wives each fulfill the role God has given them, their marriage becomes a visible sermon—a living illustration of the gospel that the world can see.

So as we come to this text today, let's resist the temptation to ask, "How can this passage change my spouse?"

Instead, let's ask, "How does Christ call me to reflect Him in my marriage?"

EXPLORE

Wives: Follow your Husband’s Leadership

Interpretation

Ephesians begins to discuss home relationships, explaining what it means to live wisely, righteously, and holy in the home. The first relationship is the husband/wife relationship.

There is a mutual submission that governs relationships (v.21), but not in the strict “egalitarian philosophies” that are popular today. Submission is NOT blind obedience. It does involve voluntarily placing yourself under someone else’s authority. And, submission here does not mean that all women must submit to every man. The text addresses marriage relationships, speaking to wives first.

We must remember that male and female are both created in the image of God and therefore have equal value in the eyes of God. With this in mind, value is not derived from the position that someone holds in the family.

Submission here means that the wife defers leadership to her husband. It does not mean that the wife is silent and unable to voice her opinion, concerns, or desires in any given matter. Husbands should remember that this entire passage is governed by the command to walk in wisdom, and only a foolish man would walk after his own counsel alone.

Some commentators note that the wife should obey her husband as long as the husband does not require her to sin or disobey the Lord. So, wives should follow their husbands’ lead in all things unless it violates the conscience and leads you into sin.

Submission is not a derogatory idea. Remember that Jesus submitted to the Father’s will, even when He would have preferred a different way.

Husbands do not get to blindly require submission from his wife. First, nowhere is he given permission to demand submission—it is a gift the wife freely offers to her husband. Second, the husband’s submission to Jesus as the head (or authority) determines the direction that he leads his wife. Therefore, family and leadership decisions are not the husband’s to make. Instead, they belong to Christ. The husband is responsible for seeking the will of God and then leading his family accordingly.

Notice also that the wife offers her submission because she is seeking to honor Jesus. The goal is to worship God through obedience to His word.

The example of submission is set forth in the church: Christ is the head of the church, His body, and as the church submits to Christ, so the wife submits to her husband. When the church confesses, “Jesus is Lord,” it is accompanied by now placing ourselves under His authority to live under His direction. When husbands and wives commit to one another in marriage, the wife is willingly saying, “You take the lead.”

Illustration

Imagine an orchestra preparing to perform. There are violinists, percussionists, brass players, woodwinds—dozens of incredibly talented musicians. Many of them are more skilled on their instrument than the conductor is.

Yet when the conductor raises the baton, everyone follows one person's lead.

Why?

Not because the conductor is more valuable than everyone else. Not because the musicians suddenly become less intelligent. Not because they aren't allowed to contribute.

In fact, during rehearsals the conductor often welcomes suggestions from experienced musicians.

But when it's time to perform, someone must lead if beautiful music is going to be made.

Without a conductor leading according to the musical score , even gifted musicians produce chaos.

Marriage works similarly. Husband and wife are equal in value because both bear God's image. They each contribute wisdom, insight, and perspective. They discuss, pray, and seek God's will together. But God has appointed the husband to bear the responsibility of leadership. The wife willingly supports that leadership, not because she is less, but because God has designed an order that produces harmony.

Notice that if the conductor leads the orchestra into the wrong piece of music, he's accountable—not the violinist. Likewise, the husband bears the weight of leadership before God. The conductor is expected to serve the music, not himself. Likewise, the husband isn't given leadership to get his own way. He's called to lead in a way that serves Christ and seeks the good of his wife.

Application

So ladies, remember that submission begins with Christ, not your husband. Paul says, "as to the Lord." Your willingness to support your husband's Christ-centered leadership is ultimately an expression of your trust in Jesus. Ask yourself, Do I trust Christ's design for marriage? If so, joyfully follow his lead. At the same time, biblical submission is not silence. God gave your husband a helper, not a bystander. Share your wisdom, concerns, and convictions honestly and graciously. Then, trust God’s plan and leadership.

Further, pursue unity, not victory. When disagreements arise, don't treat one another like opponents trying to win an argument. Remember that you're on the same team, seeking the same Lord. Pray together, search the Scriptures together, and ask, "What would most honor Christ?" A marriage centered on Christ becomes less about getting your own way and more about discovering God's way together.

Husbands, Love Your Wives Well

Interpretation

After speaking to wives, Paul now turns to husbands. And if wives may have found submission difficult, husbands would have found this command just as challenging.

The Roman world gave husbands enormous authority within the home. The husband was often viewed as the unquestioned ruler of the household. But Paul doesn't tell husbands to exercise their rights. He tells them to lay them down.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her."

This is one of the highest callings God gives to any man.

Notice that Paul doesn't define a husband's leadership by authority, but by sacrifice. The model isn't a Roman patriarch. The model is Jesus Christ.

How did Christ love the church?

He gave Himself for her.

He lived for her good.

He died for her salvation.

He continues to care for her every day.

That's the pattern for every Christian husband.

The word Paul uses for love is agapē—a love that deliberately seeks the highest good of another person. It's more than affection or romance. It is a commitment to place someone else's good ahead of your own.

Jesus didn't simply say He loved the church. He demonstrated it by giving Himself.

Likewise, biblical headship is never self-serving. It is always self-sacrificing.

John Stott captured it well when he wrote, "His headship expresses care rather than control, responsibility rather than rule."

That's the difference between worldly leadership and Christlike leadership. The world asks, "How many people serve me?" Jesus asks, "Whom can I serve?"

Paul then explains why Christ gave Himself for the church.

"He gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her."

Christ's goal wasn't merely to rescue the church from judgment. His goal is to make His bride holy.

Through His sacrifice, He cleanses His people and continues shaping them into His likeness so that one day He will present the church to Himself in splendor—without spot or wrinkle or blemish.

Paul isn't saying husbands are their wives' saviors. Only Christ can cleanse from sin.

But, husbands are called to imitate Christ's concern for their wives' spiritual well-being.

A godly husband doesn't merely ask, "Is my wife happy?"

He also asks, "Is my wife growing in Christ?" So…

He prays for her.

He encourages her.

He opens God's Word with her.

He creates a home where her faith can flourish.

His leadership should help make it easier—not harder—for his wife to follow Jesus.

Then Paul gives another picture.

"In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies."

Most people naturally feed themselves, protect themselves, and care for themselves. That's Paul's point.

When you are hungry, you eat.

When you are hurt, you seek healing.

When you are cold, you find warmth.

Paul says your wife deserves that same attentive care because, in God's design, husband and wife have become "one flesh."

When a husband loves his wife, he isn't diminishing himself.

He's caring for part of himself.

Marriage is such a deep union that her flourishing contributes to his flourishing.

Her joy becomes his joy.

Her burdens become his burdens.

Her hurts become his hurts.

That's exactly how Christ treats His church.

He nourishes us.

He cherishes us.

He patiently cares for us because we belong to Him.

And that's how husbands are called to love.

Illustration

We find a perfect example of Jesus’ love in John’s gospel. The night before Jesus went to the cross, He was eating with His disciples. During the evening, He got up and wrapped a towel around His waist.

The King of heaven knelt before fishermen and a tax collector and a zealot.

He washed dirty feet.

Then, less than twenty-four hours later...

He gave His life.

The towel and the cross belong together.

One pictures service.

The other pictures sacrifice.

Together they define biblical love…Christlike love…a husband’s love for his wife.

When Jesus wanted to show His disciples what love looked like, He picked up a towel. When He wanted to complete that love, He picked up a cross. That's the pattern Paul gives husbands. Love isn't merely saying, 'I'd die for you someday.' It's picking up the towel today and, if necessary, the cross tomorrow. Biblical leadership is a life of serving and sacrificing for the good of your bride.

Men, we’re called to pick up the towel every day until the day we would pick up the cross.

Application

So, how do we love our wives well? Here’s a couple of ways we can start.

Give yourself up for the sake of his wife. What matters most in your decisions, yourself or your wife?

Dedicate yourself to the physical, emotional, and spiritual welfare of your wife.

Do you care for her physical needs?

Do you realize that your wife may need you to be emotionally attached and invested rather than a “hard-hearted, real men don’t cry, suck it up, buttercup” emotionally distant person in her life? Did you know that you need to hurt when she hurts, be empathetic and sympathetic to her, shelter her from certain fears and anxieties, etc.?

What about her spiritual welfare? Do you pray for her? Do you have a mutually involved spiritual life? Do you encourage and promote spiritual growth? Do you have a spiritual vitality, a spiritual life, that you can also share with her?

Give all of who you are to all of who she is.

Give her your softer side.

Give her your masculinity.

Give her your strength.

Give her your weakness.

Give her your affection.

Give her your attention.

EXPERIENCE

At the end of the day, this passage isn't asking, "Who gets their way?" It's asking, "How can we best reflect Christ?" Wives, trust Christ by joyfully supporting your husband's Christ-centered leadership. Husbands, imitate Christ by joyfully laying down your life for your wife. Together, stop pursuing victory over one another and start pursuing Christ with one another. Pray together. Seek God's Word and will together. Make decisions together with the shared desire to honor Jesus. As a husband gives himself in sacrificial love and a wife willingly follows his Christ-centered leadership, marriage becomes what God designed it to be—a living picture of Christ's love for His church. That's the goal: not two people getting their own way, but two people helping one another follow Jesus.

Pray for Jake

Pray for Centrikid

Chris and Tracy