Unforgiven

Welcome

Well, good morning friends! It’s good to be with you today. If we haven’t met yet, my name’s Dan and I serve here as the teaching pastor for Lifepoint | Worthington.

If this is your first time here…

New Guest Information

Summer Pic-Nic

Introduction

Alright, well - if you’ve got a bible with you, meet me in the New Testament book of Matthew. New Testament book of Matthew - we’ll be in chapter 18.

If you’ve been around the last two weeks, you know we are in a short series looking at one of the parables of Jesus talking about the desperately tricky topic of forgiveness.

And I say it’s tricky because as soon as we start thinking about this we recognize that there’s something pretty complicated about forgiveness, isn’t there?

[Expand on the paradox of it].

And I think just mentioning this topic has the potential, for most of us, to immediately take an inventory of all our relationships - past and present.

I’m sure many of them are fine. No significant issues.

But we also have a few that are…well…complicated.

Something is not playing out the way that you thought it would or hoped it would. It might be some tension / frustration…unmet expectations. Or it may be something much deeper than that. A deeper, painful wound because of something that was done to you or taken from you.

And the closer that relationship is, the more complex it gets!

When it’s family members. A Spouse. Your parents or your kids.

And while it probably feels like forgiveness is something we ought to be willing to extend, I think at the end of the day, many of us are just left with this lingering question.

PAUSE

How?

PAUSE

So if you’re not there yet, meet me in Matthew 18. I’ll pray, and then we’ll get started.

PRAY

Unforgiveness

Alright, let’s go ahead and get started.

If you missed here last week, let me catch you up to speed.

Jesus is in the middle of a story about forgiveness.

It involves a King and Servant who’s deeply in debt to that king.

In the process of settling his accounts, the King sentences the servant to be sold - along with his family and all his possessions until the debt can be paid off.

But look what happens as the servant is pleading is case:

Matthew 18:27 ESV

27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

And the point of this whole story is to illustrate what forgiveness looks like - and how it works both in our vertical relationship with God and in our horizontal relationships with one another. [Expand and summarize in 2 sentences].

But, that’s not where the story ends.

Keep reading in v. 28.

Matthew 18:28–30 ESV

28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

Remember, the king has just looked at him - owing 10,000 Talents - and out of compassion has released him from that debt. And like we talked about last week, that debt hasn’t magically disappeared. It didn’t just go away. In forgiving the servant, the King chose to absorb the loss - to take the hit. He incurs the debt so that the servant can be freed from his need to repay.

So why is it, that given the same opportunity, the servant does the opposite?

You know, one of the things I love about the stories that Jesus tells is that they are simple: in that we’re generally able to track with his main point.

But there is a unique brilliance behind using simple stories.

You see, stories have a way of inviting us to imagine ourselves in the story…and as a master storyteller, Jesus gives us just enough details so that we can get his main point, but we also get to fill in the blanks a little bit - not to change the meaning but to explore all the nuance of them!

And as I read this part of the story, the question I’m gripped by is: why does the servant respond like that?

Like what is going on in his own heart and mind that would lead him to take the exact opposite posture of what he’s just experienced from the king?

PAUSE

There is some disconnect - something is not clicking.

PAUSE

As we reflect on this part of the story, we’re gonna find a few barriers to forgiveness that I think shed light on why we struggle with forgiveness so much in our own lives! And listen, I know we’ve spent the last two week talking about why forgiveness is layered and complex. This is not just me finding another way to say the same thing.

Instead, I want us to take some time to take a close look at them…and see how we might have encountered them in our own lives. And I think this may give us some language for what actually goes on in our own hearts…to maybe name it…and get some clarity on where to go from here.

Sound good?

Alright, let’s get started.

Real quick, though. I want to make sure we’re on the same page when we talk about “barriers.” I want you to think about it this way:

Earlier this week, I was trying to clear my head a bit so I went out for a hike over at High Banks metro park. And I started down the trail and along the way, off to the left, there was this smaller path that I followed down a steep decline to the bottom of this ravine.

As I got to the bottom, there was this small clearing in front of me, and forming the boundary of this clearing was a stream.

But just on the far bank of the stream was the wall of rock…jetting strait up about 50 feet.

The little trail I was on came to end. But not because I gave up trying to go forward, it’s because, from that point, there was no way forward. It what we call a dead end.

These are the kinds of barriers I’m talking about.

Barrier 1: Fatigue

And like I said, when we reflect on this story Jesus is telling, I think we find at least three different barriers to forgiveness…three points where the trail hits a dead end and we get stuck.

Here’s the first one: the barrier of fatigue.

Let me explain.

Think back to why Jesus is telling this story in the first place.

Peter, one of his closest followers, asked him a question back in v. 21.

Matthew 18:21 ESV

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

And the way Peter phrases this question makes it sound like he’s envisioning some kind of ongoing and repeated issue. Like he’s really asking, “How many times am I supposed to forgive the same person of the same thing?”

Have you been there?

PAUSE

Think about the kind of relationship tension you experience in your own life.

Sure, sometimes there are big flash-point “things” that happen — something that causes a fight - a rift. A massive betrayal, or a moment of real and lasting harm.

But how often do you find tension / friction in the small stuff?

Someone’s tone, for example… Or like someone’s pattern of forgetting to do something you ask them every week to do? Or the person who always has the answer—even if you weren’t looking for their answer!

I was talking with someone recently who was trying to make sense of a frustration with a family member - and what made it tricky was that they couldn’t point to any one big way the person sinned against them…there wasn’t just wasn’t some MAJOR thing that happened…it was more like this ongoing pattern - their tone - or just quick responses - that he was just tired of.

You, the question behind the question for this persona was a lot like Peter’s. It was: how long do I need to put up with that?

PAUSE

Again, have you been there?

Be honest for a sec - do you ever get to that moment when you’re just like, “I’m done.”

And that might not be the defining characteristic of the relationship - but there are just these moments that seem to build up…and they build…and they build…and they build.

Sometimes, you just put some distance. Limit the interaction.

But what happens when you can’t really do that?

What happens when it’s your family; sibling…a parent…one of you kids? What happens when you’re married to that person?!

I think we meet the barrier of fatigue every time we feel: I just don’t think I can keep doing this. Or, I’m just tied of the way they keep…{fill in the blank}!

All of a sudden, those little things - the nameless things - finally hit a tipping point and you just feel like you’re done with them.

You’re done!

What makes the barrier of fatigue especially tricky is that we tend not to associate it with unforgiveness. We tend to treat it as something else entirely - because you usually can’t really point to that one big thing you’re hurt by or angry about.

So we tell ourselves: “I'm just tired.” “I just need some space.” “I just need a break.”

And listen, sometimes that’s true! But not always.

Think back to my hiking story for a moment.

When we hit the barrier of fatigue in our relationships, we find ourselves standing right there in that clearing I was in.

We tell ourselves we just need to sit down and catch our breath. We just need a break from the tension, a break from the patterns. But here is the hidden danger of the clearing.

If you stay there long enough, something starts to happen to your heart. The exhaustion slowly begins to harden. You aren't really resting anymore. And trying to fix the situation feels like stair at the wall of stone!

The barrier of fatigue tricks us into thinking we are just taking a necessary break, when in reality, we’re stuck.

[Invitation to consider if you are there]

Barrier 2: Fear

But that’s not the only barrier we see here.

Look at the story again.

Matthew 18:28 ESV

28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’

This servant who has just been forgiven finds someone who owes him.

Now, let’s put this in perspective for a moment.

In the first century, a payment for a single day of work was generally 1 Denarii. Now the math isn’t exact, but remember, the first servant was forgiven a debt of 10,000 talent. A single talent was approximately, 6,000 denarii…meaning, and single talent was worth about 6,000 days wages.

And he has been forgiven 10,000 talents = that’s 60 Million Days wages (or roughy 164,383 years of work).

The point being - he could never pay that back! No question. Not possible.

So when he finds this other servant, why does he violently grab him by the neck, choke him, and demand 100 Denarii?

That’s the obvious tension in the story, right?!

Obviously he should have been forgiving because he was forgiven!

That’s why when you read this story, of course this part sounds so wrong! You know what he was supposed to do! I know what he was supposed to do! It’s not mystery! We know what’s supposed to happen!

PAUSE

So why is it that I, as a pastor…someone who claims to follow the life and teachings of Jesus…someone who stands up here every week talking about God’s forgiveness…and how you can experience it in your own life…can so deeply struggle to forgive my own wife…kids…for even petty things!

See, it’s really really easy to say something like: You should be forgiving because you have been forgiven…without ever acknowledging that standing between those two realities is a giant barrier that doesn’t allow you to neatly move from one to the other.

It’s the barrier of fear.

You see I read this story and I see a man who is unable to forgive, not because he doesn’t want to…but because deep down, he’s actually afraid the king still expects to be repayed.

I see a man who needs to that 100 Denarii, not because he’s worried about his own finances, but because at the end of the day, he still feels like he needs to prove something to the king - that he actually is SOMEWHAT dependable…that he actually is SOMEWHAT capable.

It’s a way of trying to show the king that while he might be bankrupt, he’s not worthless…which is what I think he’s really afraid of.

In other words, even though his debt has been forgiven, he’s still operating on a payment plan.

See he demands repayment the someone else, not because he doesn’t understand the mechanics of forgiveness…but because he doesn’t really believe it’s real.

He’s still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. He still sees the King as his debt collector.

He does not see what has actually taken place - he does not really see that he was forgiven because he was loved…he still thinks he will be really be loved, if he can produce.

And listen, if that feels like a stretch to you…I’d invite you to pause and really think about how you view God.

Remember, Jesus tells this whole story as a parallel to how God relates to us. Maybe the most probing question we could possibly ask here is: what does my unforgiveness reveal I actually think about God?

Because if we are constantly struggling to extend grace to someone else, it might just be the clearest indicator that we haven't actually absorbed the grace God is offering us.

If I believe that God is basically a cosmic boss who is still tracking my hours, monitoring my mistakes, and waiting for me to slip up so He can pull my file... then of course I am going to keep a file on you.

If I believe God’s grace is something I have to earn by being good enough, then I am going to demand that the people in my life earn my forgiveness by being sorry enough.

If I believe God still expects me to pay Him back for my past, I am going to spend my life making sure everyone else pays me back for theirs.

Our inability to forgive often exposes this barrier of fear that the King’s forgiveness isn't actually finished.

So we become debt collectors in our marriages, our parenting, and our friendships because, deep down, we are afraid we still owe a debt.

And once again, this barrier leaves us standing right back in that clearing at the bottom of the ravine. We aren't moving forward. We are just standing there, stuck, afraid of what might happen next.

[Invitation to consider if you are there]

Barrier 3: Justice.

Alright, let me give you one more.

And I’ll say this, we’re talking about three barriers, not because there are only three, but because that’s all we can get to!

Look again at v. 28. And I want you to focus in on the first part.

Matthew 18:28 ESV

28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’

Now, remember that the New Testament was originally written in Greek, not Enlgish. So what we’re looking at right now is one way to translate the greek passage.

And this way, makes it sound more like a coincidence…like he happened to find the other servant.

But here’s another way you could translate this verse:

Matthew 18:28 BE:NT

28 ‘But that servant went out and found one of his fellow-servants, who owed him a hundred dinars. He seized him and began to throttle him. “Pay me back what you owe me!” he said.

And all of a sudden, it sounds more like he went looking for the other servant, doesn’t it?

Now, I’m not saying one is better than the other - just that I think in way Jesus tells the story, he leaves this a little open ended…on purpose.

And if we think about this second possibility, that he went looking on purpose, I think we find our third barrier.

Ask the question: If he’s just been forgiven…why would he go looking for someone who owe’s him?

I want to be really careful here - because what we’re about to talk about is heavy…and I don’t for a moment want to cheapen any of the real pain and and hurt that I know some of you have experienced in this life.

I think the church has sometimes talked about forgiveness in a very shallow way.

It’s what you do to help you get over something you’re frustrated by…[expand with 2 other shallow examples]…

And, it’s talked about not just as a good thing to do, but as duty.

And yet, how is forgiveness supposed to work in when there is one of those BIG things that’s happened…when you can pinpoint a horrific thing that was done to you…

And it may be something you have never talked about in your life. Something that just lurks in shadows of your story.

And some of what you have heard over the years is a kind of forgiveness that is really just about letting it go so that you can move on.

And I’m sure there has been good intention behind that. But I’m also willing to bet that when you think about forgiving them for that…what you really hear is something more like: what happened to you doesn’t really matter.

PAUSE

And add the typical Christian formula for forgiveness (much of which WE JUST TALKED ABOUT!)…that “If you really believe God forgave you, then you should be willing to forgive them.”

And all of a sudden it doesn’t just feel like someone else is saying, “What happened doesn’t really matter in the end…” It feels more like God might be saying that.

This is the third barrier…and it’s the barrier of Justice.

And it’s the most formidable.

You see, when you go back to the story - maybe the servant goes out looking for debtor because it’s become apparent to Him that if king really was that forgiving then that must mean he doesn’t REALLY care about Justice…what is right…and what is good.

So he needs to exact justice from those in debt to him, because SOMEBODY has to! Obviously the king doesn’t seem to mind…

And I’m calling this a barrier to forgiveness because it feels like if we let them off the hook, we are letting evil win.

So you do the opposite. You hold onto their debt—you keep your hands around their throat—because it feels like if you don't, nobody will hold them accountable.

We become the judge and the collector because we are terrified that forgiveness might actually mean our pain doesn't matter.

But here is the tragic reality of this barrier. Demanding to exact justice ourselves doesn't actually heal the wound. It just leaves us completely stuck. We find ourselves right back in that clearing at the bottom of the ravine, staring at a massive stone wall with nowhere to go.

Resentment

And listen, I don’t pretend to know where you’re at. I don’t pretend to know what your barrier is - and by the way having a one doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you’ve messed up!

Every single one of us has a barrier to forgiveness. Maybe it’s one of these three—maybe it’s another one we haven’t even talked about.

These barriers are a part of being human.

But each one leaves us in that clearing at the bottom of the ravine. Cut off from any way forward.

And here is the reality of being a pastor: I can’t look out at you today and tell you if you are stuck in that clearing. From the outside, we all look like we're moving along just fine. We show up, we smile, we go to work, we raise our families. The only way you can actually diagnose what's happening in that clearing is by paying attention to what is going on inside your own heart.

This is where we have to talk about a word that we use all the time, but we rarely stop to define.

Resentment.

You see, when we hit a barrier and stop walking the path of forgiveness, we don't just stay neutral. The word resentment comes from a Latin root that literally means to "re-feel."

When you are stuck at the barrier of fatigue, fear, or justice, you start to re-feel the pain. You re-feel the offense. You re-feel the anger. It's the tape loop playing in your mind while you're driving. It's the argument you keep re-winning in the shower. You are re-living the exact moment of hurt, over and over again.

There is a scene in The Lord of the Rings that captures this perfectly. Early in their journey, the hobbits are wandering through a heavy, ancient woods called the Old Forest. Eventually, they wander down into a clearing by a river, and a strange, heavy sleepiness washes over them. They sit down to rest against a massive willow tree.

But they don't just rest. They fall into a deep, unnatural sleep, and as they do, the roots and the trunk of the tree literally begin to swallow them up. The forest consumes them.

That is exactly what resentment does to us.

We think we are just taking a break at the bottom of the ravine. We tell ourselves we are just protecting our hearts, or demanding justice, or catching our breath from the exhaustion of it all. But as we sit there re-feeling the hurt, the resentment grows up around us. It consumes us.

And before long, we are completely trapped.

Now, if you are hearing this and realizing, "Wow, I am stuck in that clearing," I want you to hear this loud and clear: that is a deeply human experience. You are not a failure for ending up there. Every single one of us encounters these barriers. Every single one of us has a natural gravity that pulls us down into the heavy sleep of resentment.

But here is the rest of that story. The hobbits don’t save themselves. They can’t just decide to wake up and walk away. They are entirely stuck. They have to be rescued.

Someone else—a character who knows the forest and isn't trapped by it—has to step into that clearing, wake them up, and pull them out of the roots.

And once they are rescued, they aren't just magically teleported to their destination. The rescuer essentially looks at them and says, "Follow me." They have to get up. They have to trust a guide when they don't really know exactly where they are going, and they have to make the grueling, exhausting trek back up the steep hill to get out of the ravine.

This is what moving past the barrier actually looks like.

Forgiveness is not a cheap, shallow "just let it go." It is an active rescue. When we realize we are stuck in resentment, we are finally in a place to let Jesus step into our clearing, pull us out of our own heavy ledgers, and say, "Follow me."

You may have no idea what that relationship is going to look like tomorrow. You may not know how the boundaries are going to work or how the trust will be rebuilt. And make no mistake, the hike back out of that ravine is going to be incredibly steep, and it is going to take real work.

But you are no longer stuck. You are moving. And you are following the One who has already forgiven your debt, and who knows exactly how to lead you out.

And this is what I want for us. All of us. That we would follow Him! You see, being Christian gets flattened out today to essentially mean something like you are in agreement with a set of theological ideas. But, friends, it is SO much more than that. It is about following the rescuer, the one who has come to pull YOU out, free you, and revive you from the poison of resentment.

But what if you are here today, and you have been following Jesus for years, yet you still feel completely stuck? What if you know the theology, and you know you are supposed to forgive, but you still find yourself sitting in that clearing, trapped by fatigue, or fear, or the demand for justice?

If that is where you are right now, I want you to know that Jesus doesn't just wake you up and abandon you at the bottom of the ravine.

We actually have a vivid, physical picture of this rescue right now. In just a moment, we are going to celebrate two baptisms.

Baptism is a direct illustration of exactly what we are talking about. When someone goes down into the water, it is a picture of leaving the old way of life behind—leaving the ledgers, the fear, the exhaustion, and the heavy sleep of resentment. It is a complete surrender.

And when they are pulled up out of the water, it is a picture of the rescue. It is a picture of being washed clean by a King who absorbed their debt, and being raised to walk a completely new path. It is a public declaration that says, "I was trapped, but I have been rescued, and now I am following Him out."

As we celebrate with these two today, I want to invite you to let their baptism speak to you. Maybe to reawaken you! As you watch them be pulled out of the water, let it remind you that you do not have to stay sitting in the clearing. You can leave your ledger behind, take the hand of the Rescuer, and let Him lead you forward.

Let’s pray.