Forgive

Welcome

Well, good morning! Good to be with you. If we haven’t met yet, my name is Dan and I serve as the teaching pastor here at Lifepoint Worthington.

I’m really grateful you’re joining us today - really grateful!

We’re finishing up a short series we’ve done on one of the stories of Jesus in Matthew 18, so if you have a bible with you, meet me there.

Matthew 18, starting in verse 31.

It’s the story of the unforgiving servant.

We’ve been slowly walking through this story - exploring the desperately tricky topic of forgiveness.

And I say that it’s tricky, not because I think we struggle to make sense of what Jesus is saying in the story, but because we really wrestle with how to actually do it.

We’ve said this each week: at it’s basic level, forgiveness is releasing a debt owed to you. When someone violates you in some way - harms you in some way - there is a kind of debt they incur with you. Forgiveness is the process in which you release them from that debt.

We get that.

The problem we run into, over and over again, is how is this actually supposed to work in the real world, right?

And as we’ve been working through this series, every single one of us have had very specific relationships come to mind. Relationships that we know are not the way they should be…there’s tension…hurt, anger, frustration. And there is a such a wide range of things that may have caused that hurt, anger and frustration!

And what makes it SO complicated is that there’s rarely a one size fits all answer for what you need to do in your specific situation.

There are layers to our relationships - and the closer you are to the person, the more layers there are.

It’s complicated.

Right, it’s one thing to have conflict with a co-worker on your team…but if you take that same conflict and all of a sudden, it’s with your husband or your mom…you realize the stakes are higher.

I’ve said it every week: forgiveness is complicated.

PAUSE

But this is why I love these kinds of stories from Jesus.

Because they have a way inviting us into them - to explore all the contours and nuance of what he’s teaching. They invite us to place ourselves inside the story and consider what it would look like for us to experience that story in our own lives!

And that’s exactly what we’ve been doing over the last two weeks.

Here’s just a quick overview of what we’ve looked at so far:

Jesus talks about a King who has decided to settle all of his accounts with people in debt to him and so he calls the one by one into his chamber.

One particular servant owes him 10,000 Talents; which is an enormous amount of money - and if you do the math based on a typical days wages in the first-century, 10,000 talents is equal to roughly 164,383 years of work!

The man pleads with him, saying, “Have patience with me and I will repay you everything!”

And the king is so moved with compassion that he…and here’s the operative word…forgives…the servant of his debt and let’s him go.

And so, in the first week, we spent most of our time talking about the idea that forgiveness is a process…a complicated process that may take MUCH longer than we anticipate…that begins with recognizing the ways that God has first forgiven us. [I need to explain week one better]

Week two had the twist.

Because that same servant leaves and finds another servant who owes him money. About 3 months wages for perspective.

And that servant, who ironically says the same thing, “Have patience with me and I will pay you!” is instead thrown into prison until he can get the debt repaid.

So last week, we spent all of our time asking, “Why does the servant respond that way? Why might he be SO unwilling to do for the third servant what we just done to him?!” And we discovered there are barriers to forgiveness, aren’t there?

Things that tend to stand in the way of us entering this process. [Briefly summarize the message from last week]

Now, that we’ve spent the first two weeks surfacing all of that complexity, I want to take a practical angle today - and spend more of our time focused how practically we might take steps toward forgiveness.

And I will 100% not answer all of the questions we have. I’m not even going to try to. But we’re going to look at a series of questions that I think this story provokes us to ask.

And my hope is that we get start thinking together about how to take what Jesus says here about forgiveness and begin to build it into our own lives.

So if you’re not there yet, open with me to Matthew 18. I’l pray and then we’ll get started.

PRAY

Passage Set-Up

Alright, let’s get started.

We left off with the their servant being sent off to prison until he can pay the second servant back.

But look with me starting at v. 31.

Matthew 18:31–34 ESV

31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’

In other words, ‘You were forgiven. Shouldn’t that have done something in you? Shouldn’t that have provoked something in you?

Matthew 18:34 ESV

34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.

And the story ends in this really tragic way - as the servant is taken away until he can pay all his debt. And if Jesus intended to make his debt sound un-payable, then there is something final about this prison sentence.

Here’s the punchline - what Jesus has been building to the entire time.

READ SLOWLY

Matthew 18:35 ESV

35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

PAUSE

Let that sit for a moment.

PAUSE

“So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you…if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

And this brings us to the first question…

Do I really need to forgive?

Do I need to forgive?

I’ve said this so many times through this series, but as soon as we start talking about forgiveness, all of us will have a specific relationship come to mind.

And if these not a current rift, there will be one. It will absolutely happen throughout the course of your life.

Things will happen to you - and you will do to others - things that cause deep and real damage.

The question I think we get to - and maybe something we’ve been thinking about for a while now - is: As a follower of Jesus, do I need to forgive.

Now, we’ve spent the last two weeks talking about why forgiveness is so hard…why it’s so complicated. And the reason I felt like we needed to spend so much time there is precisely because how challenging forgiveness is. Like I’ve said several times already, there is nothing natural about forgiveness!

But if we are going to take the claims of Jesus seriously, then I think the unavoidable answer is: yes.

Part of following Jesus means we choose forgiveness.

We choose forgiveness.

We choose to look at the one who has offended us - who is in our debt - who has wounded us - and the ethic of the Gospel says, as I have been forgiven by God in Christ, so I choose to forgive.

As a follower of Jesus, it means you look to your spouse and, in your heart of hearts, choose forgiveness.

You look to your parents - and you choose forgiveness.

You look to any one of your closest relationships and choose the path of forgiveness.

And in choosing forgiveness, we are not in that moment in time choosing to be done with it…no, choosing forgiveness choosing to enter the process of forgiveness.

Now - that brings up the next question.

Does forgiveness mean we go back to the way it was?

Does choosing forgiveness mean we go back to the way it was before the offense?

Does it mean we act as if the thing never happened?

No.

PAUSE

Let me explain.

And I’m going to be careful here, because I don’t think there’s a “one-size-fits-all” answer here. But I think it might be helpful to articulate what choosing to forgive is not.

When we think about the broken relationships we have in our lives, the bible distinguishes between the ideas of forgiveness (which is something I do) and reconciliation (which is something we do)…or more like the result of what we do.

As a pastor, I’ve sat down with folks to listen to some of the most heartbreaking stories you can think of…the deepest kinds of betrayal - deep and painful wounds that go back to childhood. And when that pain, anger, and betrayal has to do with family, in many cases, the desire is for that relationship to be healed. For friendship to be restored.

That’s what most married couples want - even after their worst fights - after years of just coexisting - they generally want it not to be that way.

That’s the desire for reconciliation! And in most cases that desire is good and right and beautiful AND I’ve seen it!

But when Jesus calls His people to forgive - when he lays out the gospel ethic of choosing forgiveness - He knows we cannot, on our own, guarantee reconciliation.

Because you can’t control how someone else responds, right?

You can choose to extend forgiveness…I can choose to extend forgives - and we can make the choice to ask for forgiveness…

But what we cannot do is control with the other person does with that!

And I think this distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation is so helpful because it simultaneously preserves the necessity of forgiveness, without also mandating that the relationship just goes back to the way it was before.

And even if, most of the time, reconciliation is the good and right goal, there are legitimate situations in boundaries need to be set up. Especially is particularly egregious situations - Jesus is not mandating that you are reconciled to your abusive spouse or parent. Jesus is not mandating that, in forgiving, there are no consequences for the persons actions - and he’s not saying you pretend it never happened!

No!

You can choose to cancel the debt and take the path of healing, even if the other person doesn’t.

And like I said, there is not really a one-size-fits-all answer for this stuff. So if you’re in the place of wondering about what you need to do - if you need to pursue reconciliation so that the relationship is restored - or if you need to forgive while also putting up boundaries, I’d encourage you to not make that decision on your own…to talk about it with someone. This after all is part of the gift of community - and we seeking outside counsel is vital especially in really painful situations. You can chat with me or Jason or we can connect you with someone else - not to tell you what to do, but to help you discern what God may be calling you do in this season.

How do I forgive?

Okay so then, if we ought to forgive..meaning we choose to enter the process of forgiveness, the big question is: How?

How do we actually do this and mean it?

Well, you might look at the story - and particularly the ending and answer the question with: I forgive by recognizing how much I have been forgiven!”

That as a follower of Jesus, you can be forgiving towards others no matter the offense because, at the end of the day, there was greater debt that you owed to God and He has forgiven you!

Now, that’s true! That answer is not wrong.

I just think it’s the right answer…to a different question.

You see, look closely at the story again.

Matthew 18:33 ESV

33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’

You see, to say, “I forgive by recognizing how much I have been forgiven” is really saying something about WHY we choose forgiveness…not how.

I don’t think this is just splitting hairs here. Because if we try to forgive solely based on the fact that we have first been forgiven…AS TRUE AS THAT MAY BE…then we are essentially trying to guilt ourselves into letting go of our pain.

We accidentally turn God's free grace into a heavy obligation. We start telling ourselves, "Well, God did this for me, so I owe it to Him to just get over what happened."

But duty doesn't heal a broken heart. Gritting your teeth and relying on willpower doesn't destroy the invisible ledger. And this is exactly where so many of us get stuck.

As long as we think "remembering the cross" is supposed to magically erase our resentment, and it doesn't, we will be left with only two conclusions: either the Gospel doesn't actually work, or we’re just bad Christians.

And yet, neither of those are true!

The “HOW” question requires something else entirely.

I’ve said several times already today that forgiveness is a process…and while I agree with that...the danger to that word “process” is that it naturally makes us think of a series of steps.

A standard operating procedure.

A clear list of what we need to do so that we can get to the end and say, “I’m done. I’m finished with that!”

But I’m sorry to say, that I just don’t think that’s how this process works. In fact, I only say “process” because in most cases, I think forgiveness is ongoing, not a single action in a single moment in time.

You see, I think we need recognize something mysterious and, frankly, something miraculous about forgiveness.

Typically, we reserve the word “miracle” for a moment in time when God breaks the natural order of the universe to do what cannot otherwise be done.

Creation - a miracle. The parting of the Red Sea - a miracle. The healings of Jesus - his Resurrection - miracles.

So what about forgiveness?

There’s nothing natural about it, is there? Nobody has to be taught to be unforgiving. It seems hardwired into the human condition. The default.

Choosing forgiveness breaks that natural order. You are choosing to do what otherwise does not happen!

And, listen, maybe I’m overstating the case.

But, then again, maybe this is why forgiveness is so hard for us. Precisely because it is so contrary to our very nature! And when you think about it that way - I’m not sure it’s a stretch to call it miraculous!

More than that, if it is miraculous, then there is not much we can do to conjure it on our own!

And as unsatisfying as it might sound at first - I think genuine forgiveness…forgiveness from the heart, as Jesus says it…starts with prayer.

There is a story that captures this better than almost anything else I’ve ever read.

Many of you know the name Corrie ten Boom. She and her family hid Jewish people in their home in the Netherlands during the Holocaust. Eventually, they were caught, and Corrie and her sister Betsie were sent to Ravensbrück, one of the most brutal concentration camps in Nazi Germany. Betsie died there. Corrie miraculously survived.

After the war, Corrie traveled around Europe speaking about God’s forgiveness. And in 1947, she was speaking in a church basement in Munich, Germany.

She had just finished giving a message on how God casts our sins into the depths of the sea, when she saw a man walking toward her down the aisle.

He was wearing a heavy overcoat, but Corrie instantly recognized him. She saw the mock leather uniform. She remembered his face. He had been one of the most cruel guards at the shower room in Ravensbrück.

He walked up to her, extended his hand, and said, "A fine message, Fräulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea."

He didn’t recognize her. To him, she was just another prisoner. But he told her that since the war, he had become a Christian. He said, "I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein, will you forgive me?"

And he stood there with his hand thrust out.

Corrie later wrote about this moment, and she was brutally honest. She stood there, paralyzed. The man who had stood guard while her sister suffered was asking for grace, and she felt absolutely nothing but coldness and anger.

She realized she could not do it. She could not conjure the forgiveness.

So, she prayed.

Listen to her exact words:

"‘Jesus, help me!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’ And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. ‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’"

PAUSE

Friends, that is the miracle of forgiveness.

Corrie didn’t fake it until she made it. She didn't wait until the resentment faded on its own.

She brought her completely broken heart to Jesus and said, I can do the mechanics, but You have to do the miracle.

And I want to just pause right here for a moment.

PAUSE

For some of you, hearing this story brings a specific face or a specific relationship to mind, and it is sitting incredibly heavy on your chest right now. You are standing exactly where Corrie stood. You feel the anger. You feel the coldness. You know the debt they owe you is massive.

If forgiveness is a miracle, what do you need to ask the Miracle Worker for right now?

Maybe you are nowhere close to being able to say, "I forgive them." That is okay. Your prayer today doesn't have to be the finish line. It might just sound something like this:

"God, I am deeply hurt. I am so angry. The grief of what was taken from me is overwhelming. Would You help me to simply name what this is? And Jesus... in naming it... would You help me to just drop this weight at Your feet? I can't do this on my own. You have to supply the miracle."

And friends, let me add one thing to this. For Corrie, in that specific moment, the miracle was instantaneous. The warmth flooded in. But for most of us, this miracle happens in slow motion.

You might have that exact prayer—'Jesus, you have to supply the feeling'—every single day for a month. Or a year. Or longer.

You might have to pray it every time their name gets brought up.

That’s the process!

But what you will experience, over time, in this process is a kind of softening in you. It’s what we talked about last week with resentment.

Remember, “resentment,” which is what unforgiveness produces in us - isn’t just a disgust or hatred. It means to re-feel…over and over again!

You see the process working - forgiveness working - as your resentment decreases…as you are slowly freed from re-feeling the pain and anger they caused you!

Forgiveness from Fear or Love

And before we hit our last question, let me just say one more thing about this process.

When you pray that prayer, if you feel nothing but resistance...I want you to pay attention to your inner dialogue.

See, when you read the story of the unforgiving servant…and it ends with a harsh consequence for the man who wouldn't forgive…our natural takeaway is often: "I have to forgive, or God is going to punish me."

But friends, I think that’s telling us we are operating from a place of fear; that somewhere along the way God's grace has become an obligation.

But fear and obligation do not heal a broken heart.

True forgiveness does not come from the terrifying thought that God will punish you if you fail. It comes from being absolutely overwhelmed by the reality of how much God loves you.

We read 1 Corinthians 13 at weddings all the time, and we tend to treat it like a checklist of how we are supposed to behave. But before it is a command for you, it is a description of God.

"Love is patient, love is kind... it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Friends, God is patient with you. God is kind to you. And through the cross, God keeps no record of your wrongs. All this out of pure, Fatherly affection!

When that kind of love wrecks you, the inner dialogue shifts. It stops being, "I have to forgive them," and it slowly, miraculously becomes, "I can forgive them.”

Even if you’re not there yet.

Closing

Alright, let me close with this.

For three weeks, we’ve been wading through the deep, complicated waters of forgiveness. We’ve talked about the invisible ledger that opens up when someone takes something from us, and the massive debts that are created in our relationships. We’ve talked about how holding onto those debts leaves us trapped at the bottom of a ravine, consumed by the heavy sleep of resentment. And today, we’ve seen that stepping out of that clearing and choosing to forgive requires nothing short of a miracle.

But here is the reality we have to face as we wrap this series up. We have spent almost all of our time looking at this from the perspective of the offended. The person who needs to extend grace.

But if we are honest... we are just as often on the other side of the equation.

We are the ones who have caused the wound.

We are the ones who have run up the debt.

And this is exactly why Jesus' story matters so much. Because when we finally stop looking at everyone else's ledgers and look at our own, we realize that every single one of us is that first servant in the story. We stood before a holy God with a spiritual bankruptcy we could never, ever repay. We had nothing to offer but broken promises to try harder and do better next time.

But God didn't demand a payment plan. Out of pure, radical love, Jesus absorbed the debt. He took the hit on the cross so that you and I could be released.

And maybe you are sitting here today, and you have never actually received that. Maybe you have spent your entire life operating out of fear—thinking God is just a debt collector waiting for you to mess up. Or maybe you are just completely exhausted from carrying the weight of a ledger you know you can never clear.

The invitation today is to stop trying to pay it back.

You don't have to clean yourself up first. You don't have to promise to be perfect. You just have to take the hand of the Rescuer.

To become a follower of Jesus simply means you bring your bankrupt heart to Him, and you let Him supply the miracle. It means you drop your defenses, you accept His forgiveness, and you let His radical love completely rewire your heart.

If you have never made that choice, or if you need to make it again today, you can step out of the exhaustion. You can step into grace.

Let's pray.