Marriage and Faithfulness

Text—these are the very words of God

Proverbs 12:4 ESV

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 24:3–4 ESV

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Introduction

The world has no shortage of interest when it comes to marriage.

They have tried to re-imagine it and re-define it according to their desires and sinful delights.

Amazon has over 100,000 books available on the subject of marriage

Google says people search something related to marriage 500 million to 1 billion times globally on their search engine

We even have apps now where you pay a fee and you can get marriage counseling from AI!

All of this shows that there is a jungle of opinion and information out there regarding marriage.

This morning we attempt to cut through the noise with God’s Word.

We want to hear what God’s wisdom book has to say to us about husbands and wives.

Context

So this is out subject matter for today as we continue our study of Proverbs.

For chapters 10-29, we are looking at 9 of the most prominent themes that Proverbs teaches us about

So far: Pride and Humility, The Tongue and Speech, God’s Sovereignty and Human Beings

This morning: Marriage and Faithfulness

Next week: Parenting and Children

So you can see that our next couple of Sundays are about the home and the family.

As we study these things, I want to say that I recognize that not everyone will hear this message the same way.

I know we have:

Singles, Widows and Widowers, People who may be engaged or dating, Couples who do not have children for whatever reason, People who are in difficult marriages, People who are in marriages with unbelievers.

I think that regardless of your season of life, these will be helpful messages for your soul because in all that we are talking about it, we aren’t just aiming for how to have a better marriage or better family life...

...We will be looking to the Gospel of Jesus and seeing it how it shapes every relationship we have, including the ones in the home.

All that said—here is our big idea regarding marriage today...

Big Idea

When godly husbands cherish excellent wives, God’s wisdom is building the home.

Outline (Big Idea broken down into Three Teaching Points)

1. An excellent wife is a husband’s crown.

2. A husband should wear his crown well.

3. A marriage built on God’s wisdom makes a house worth living in.

1. An excellent wife is a husband’s crown.

We have two passages from Proverbs serving as anchors for us this morning. I read them at the beginning.

Our first two teaching points this morning come from Proverbs 12:4

Proverbs 12:4 ESV

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

A Wife Will Have One of Two Effects

What we see from the outset this morning is that a wife in a marriage is going to have one of two effects on her husband:

She will be like a crown to him—a symbol of honor and dignity and blessing

She will be a cancer to him—a disease in his bones.

This is a pretty amazing statement.

This demonstrates the dramatic impact a wife will have on a husband and a home.

She tears down or she builds up.

And if we read the book of Proverbs, we find out more about what it looks like for her to tear down or build up.

Let’s go in the order of Proverbs 12:4 and begin with this question—How can a wife be like a crown on a king’s head for her husband?

The Excellent Wife in Proverbs

Proverbs shows us what an excellent wife looks like.

The word excellent indicates that the woman is filled with all sorts of virtue...

She is faithful.

Proverbs 31:11–12 ESV

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

She doesn’t turn her back on him.

She doesn’t do things that she knows will tear his heart out.

She ensures that her husband’s trust in her will be for his gain in the end.

His trust will pay off.

She builds her home.

Proverbs 14:1 ESV

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

This is the same idea we have seen in 12:4—a wife will have one of two effects—she will build up or she will tear down.

The wife who builds her home is diligent in running it.

Proverbs 31:27–28 ESV

She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

The wife who builds her home is not a lazy woman.

She gets up and gets after it for the sake of her husband and her children...

...As a result they rise up and call her blessed and praise her

She is filled with compassion.

Proverbs 31:20 ESV

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

She is filled with wisdom expressed in kindness.

Proverbs 31:26 ESV

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

And most importantly in Proverbs—she fears the Lord.

Proverbs 31:30 ESV

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Just before Eve was made for Adam’s rib, God said this:

Genesis 2:18 ESV

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Proverbs is showing us the profile of what an excellent Helper, “fit for Adam,” looks like.

The Rotten Wife in Proverbs

But remember that there is not just one type of wife described in Proverbs 12:4. There is another sort of wife who can be rottenness to her husband’s bones.

This would be the sort of woman that Proverbs 14:1 is talking about—the one who tears down her own house with folly.

What is it about a woman like this that makes her such a disease to her husband?

Well—according to Proverbs—a lot of it has to do with how she speaks to her husband.

There are four or five verses in Proverbs that all say the same thing in different ways.

And if God repeats something this many times—we should listen.

I want to read all of these verses together.

Proverbs 19:13 ESV

A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.

Proverbs 21:9 ESV

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 25:24 says the same thing again—verbatim

Proverbs 21:19 says a similar thing, but says it is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife.

Proverbs 27:15–16 ESV

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.

This is a really serious issue in God’s wisdom book.

Proverbs doesn’t repeat itself five times for the sake of a hypothetical.

There are wives who are actually like this and it is killing their husbands and it is tearing down their homes.

And not just out in the world—it can go on in the church.

Let’s just review the things the Bible compares a quarreling wife with:

A continual dripping of rain

The dripping speaks to annoyance for sure...

It is like trying to work in the quiet and you keep hearing one little drip from the sink over and over.

But there is also something to say about what a slow-dripping does to a surface:

It wears down through repetition as opposed to wearing down through a flood

Constant dripping erodes slowly with low-grade friction that will rust a man’s heart over time

Living on the corner of a roof

Proverbs actually says this is better than living with a quarreling wife

Imagine the absurdity of this thought—a man in a tent living on the corner of a roof—baking in the sun and getting soaked in the rain

Better than living with a woman who will not relent

Living in the desert

Similarly, Solomon says it is better to live in a desert, dying of thirst and heat

The idea with both the Roof and Desert is that a man will do just about anything to get away from a brutal woman

Restraining the Wind and Grasping Oil

Trying to stop a contentious woman from arguing...

You are better off trying to take control of the wind

You are better off trying to hold oil in your hand like a baseball

This is pretty devastating stuff from the book of Proverbs. But it must be taken seriously.

Wives—let me ask you—

Does your husband praise you or constantly seek isolation from you?

Are you for your husband’s joy or do you get frustrated when you see him relaxing—even if he worked hard all day?

Do you regularly parade his failures out before him?

Are his successes assumed and forgotten, while his struggles are magnified and highlighted?

Remember that most of these verses are there because Solomon wants his son to be careful when choosing a wife.

It should alarm us if we find that our character has become something the wisest man in the world tells his son to stay away from!

I would assume that most women in the church, whether they are married now or hope to be married in the future, would say: “I don’t want this to be me!”

They don’t want to be the quarrelsome and contentious woman that Proverbs warns about.

And on the other hand, they desire to be the excellent wife that is described in Proverbs 12:4 and throughout the rest of Proverbs.

The Good News is that God has not left the woman with this godly desire guessing about what to do.

He provides us with the most glorious blueprint for marriage by tying it to the New Covenant Gospel that has saved our souls.

The Wife and the Gospel

This is where we turn to Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.

In this passage, Paul says that marriage is like a signpost pointing beyond itself to Gospel—where Christ has saved His Church and His Church honors Him with their lives.

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

I remember these verses being read at my wedding and my lost friends being pretty aghast at the reception.

I remember one of them saying, “Sure was a lot of talk about submission in there...” Her feminist heart was STRUGGLING.

Headship

But what my friends didn’t understand was the concept of headship that is taught in the Scriptures.

God has made male and female distinct from one another, but also equal.

Both are made in His image and yet both are different from one another.

Within the home, God has called men to lead.

This is not about superiority or authoritarianism—it is simply the calling that the Scriptures place on the lives of men

And it is rooted in the very order of Creation, where God designed it that Adam would be the Head of Eve and she would be the Glory of Adam.

1 Corinthians 11:3 ESV

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

1 Corinthians 11:7 ESV

For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man.

This is what Paul is expressing in Ephesians 5 when he says that “the husband is the head of the wife...”

But the key is that in Ephesians 5, Paul says, “As Christ is the head of the church...”

And then he goes on to say, “As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

So then, now you see that this biblical concept of headship is being directly tied to the Gospel.

The husband is to represent Christ in the marriage by being the Head of the household—in the same way Christ is Head of the Church

The wife is to represent the Church in the marriage, submitting to her husband as the Church submits to Christ

Submission is the Antidote to Quarrelsomeness

And this is important to understand.

See—in Proverbs, we find that the main threat to a woman being an excellent wife is her being quarrelsome.

Being contentious will undermine all her efforts to be faithful, compassionate, wise and kind, etc...

Well—what I believe we see in Ephesians 5 is that the main way to combat the threat is through respect and submission to the Husband’s position in the home—which has been given to him by God.

Ephesians 5 submission to the Husband is the obedience towards God that cuts out the cancer of being quarrelsome.

This might cause you to think—Wait a second...are you saying that the only way to be a good wife is to just be quiet and do the laundry?

Well—no.

Because I don’t think “being quiet and doing the laundry,” represents the way that God calls the Church to be submissive to His Son—and that is the submissiveness that is supposed to be reflected.

In the Church’s submission to Christ, she is far from a voiceless errand-runner.

Instead, she submits to a Leader who wants to hear her voice in prayer and use her voice in proclamation.

As she serves, She is a partner with Him in His ministry in the world.

And she submits to a Leader she can trust without trying to control

This gives us an image of the sort of submission that works as an antidote to quarrelsomeness in a wife.

The wife’s voice is not silent. It is heard and considered and weighed and responded to.

The wife’s service is not relegated to the mundane. She and her husband are partners in this world together, ideally carrying out the ministry the Lord has given them.

The wife’s submission is voluntary—trusting in the Husband to be the sort of man that doesn’t need to be manipulated.

Of course, if the husband is failing in his role and leading his home into sinfulness, the wife cannot go along.

For her submission is to the Lord, first and foremost.

But even be careful with that.

Far too often, I have seen women refuse to follow their husbands because they say he isn’t worth following.

But in truth, they are just disappointed in their husbands.

Your disappointment doesn’t necessarily mean your husband is leading your family into sin.

He may be a man who is striving to be godly—but doesn’t meet your ideal.

That is very different from— “He is a man I can’t follow.”

If we don’t distinguish between those things, we will end up with the quarreling character that Proverbs is so concerned with.

Transition to Point 2

So here's where this leaves us.

A wife becomes a crown or a cancer mostly by the same measure: whether she trusts God enough to submit to the man He's placed over her home.

That's what it looks like to fear the Lord, as Proverbs 31 puts it.

She fears God by honoring her husband the way the Church honors Christ.

That's what it looks like for a wife to build her house instead of tearing it down with her own hands.

This is how she becomes a crown of excellence on her man’s head.

2. A husband should wear his crown well.

Proverbs is a kind of quiet when it comes to what a husband should be.

The Bible is not quiet.

We can find plenty of examples and instructions that inform a man.

But Proverbs itself is more concerned in what a wife should be, because again—Solomon is concerned about his son choosing well.

However, what is explicit for women can carry implicit instruction for men.

This is the case with Proverbs 12:4.

What a Husband Should Do With a Crown?

Solomon has told us that an excellent wife is like a crown on a husband’s head.

Matthew Henry said that Solomon says this to his son because an excellent, virtuous wife will make a man as happy as a King.

This leads us to this question—-What does a King do with a crown?

Answering that question helps us think through the implications of Proverbs 12:4 for the man in the marriage.

A King CARES FOR his crown.

The King protects his crown and watches over it as something of great value.

He will let no one else wear it.

He will let no one pollute it.

He will let no one harm it.

So it should be when it comes to husbands and their wives.

1 Peter 3:7 ESV

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

The wife is called the weaker vessel. This is speaking to the physical aspect of husbands and wives.

Wives are not being called weak vessels, but weaker in comparison to their husbands.

This just speaks to the fact, that most of the time, the wife is more physically vulnerable than her husband—especially in the ancient world.

A husband should show honor to her by caring for her appropriately.

He should be gentle with her.

Colossians 3:19 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

He should protect her and guard her, as one would protect and guard precious jewels.

He should work to keep her out of situations that put her in harm’s way.

He should be zealous for her peace and her health and her well-being.

A King SERVES his crown.

We have seen how God has given men a place of authority in the marriage and in the home.

They are to be the Head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church.

But how should he use this authority?

Mark 10:42–45 ESV

And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Greatness will wield authority through sacrifice.

Greatness will humbly serve those who are under their watch.

God has placed the excellent wife on the Head of a man with authority in the home.

If that man is going to be considered a GREAT user of that authority, he will lay his life down for his wife.

He will die to his own desires to see hers fulfilled.

He will humble himself and consider her interests and not only His own.

Men—are you wielding your authority well?

That has nothing to do with how much camo you wear...

That has nothing to do with how much money you have...

That has nothing to do with what car you drive or what size your TV is...

...The world may say that these are things you measure a man by...

...But Jesus would ask you—How are you doing in serving your wife?

For this is what a great King does—he serves his crown.

A King ADORES his crown.

What king doesn’t love his crown?

Certainly the husband of a virtuous woman should love his.

Proverbs 5:18–19 ESV

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.

Men—LOVE YOUR WIFE.

Love her physically.

Touch her.

Hold her hand.

Rub her back.

Enjoy the marriage bed together.

Love her emotionally.

Pursue your woman.

The way a King knows the beauty of his crown, know the inner beauty of your wife

What she likes

What she hates

What brings her joy

What breaks her heart

What she fears

What she longs for

Most men fail in this because they think the wedding day is the end of PURSUIT.

“Welp—she’s mine now. The work is over.”

Solomon would say, “No!”

She is like a graceful doe—you’ve got to hunt.

You have to pursue her.

You have to date her.

In the same way that Christ continues to pour out His kindness on us after He has redeemed us from the grave, continue to pour out kindness on your wife as the crown on your head.

Love her spiritually.

The holiness of the wife of your youth never leaves your agenda—not until one of you goes to glory.

Our wives should be growing in Christ and we should be helping them.

As the heads of their households, men are like pastors of their home.

They are the Shepherds over the souls of their family.

They must seek to lead those under their care to Jesus.

Many husbands understand this when it comes to kids, while totally ignoring their wife

Men—pray for your wife.

Talk with her about what you are learning from the Lord.

Ask her to pray for you.

Model a love for the Bible and prayer in front of her

Transition to Ephesians 5

Gentlemen—the reality is that you will answer for how you have lived your life.

And you will answer for everything God put in your care.

That means you will answer for how you have loved the crown God has given you.

Are you ready for that line of questioning with God?

As we think through these things, we do the same things our wives do—we see our duties and responsibilities through the Gospel lens provided by the New Testament in Ephesians 5.

We have seen now the Wife is represent the Church in the marriage.

This means that the Husband has the heavy task of representing Christ.

The Husband and the Gospel

Ephesians 5:25–30 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Husbands—how do you properly love the Crown God has given you?

By modeling your love after that which Christ has for the Church.

If playing the role of the submissive Church is the antidote to being a quarrelsome wife, then playing the role of Christ the Head is the antidote to being a careless, selfish, unloving husband.

And let’s be clear—If a quarrelsome wife can tear down a house—a careless, selfish, unloving husband can do it even faster!

Knowing these things, husbands must look to Christ. For He is the Great and Wonderful Bridegroom who has wooed us into His house of love and bought us back from the grip of sin and the grave.

He has a perfect covenant love for His Church that the husband should want reflected in his own covenant bond with his wife.

He should love her sacrificially—As Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her

Love is not just an affection.

It costs something.

Quiet often, love is expressed in sacrifice.

And the sacrifice is found in small things that seem mundane but are meaningful.

I’ve worked all day. I want to watch YouTube on my phone and eat Cheetos.

But...my wife is tired. The kids have been a bear.

I need to put my phone down—even though I don’t want to—and fold the laundry for her.

He should love her with a sanctifying love — as Christ sanctifies the church with the water of the Word

As we have already said—our wives should be growing in Christ and we should be helping them.

He should love her as his own body.

A man should see his wife’s well-being so wrapped up in his that loving her well is like loving himself.

Her well-being is his concern as much as her own.

He should love her with a nourishing love.

A nourishing love is a daily love.

It is not a one time, grand act.

It is a lifetime of providing for a woman in all the ways we have talked about.

He should love her with a cherishing love.

There are 4 billion women in the world, but men—if you are married—you only cherish one.

There is just one woman in the world as far as you are concerned.

And she should be like a precious jewel to you.

A brother in this church looked as me a few years ago and said, “My wife is the most precious thing in my life.”

And so it should be.

So then, if a Christian man would ever say, “I just don’t know how to love my wife,” the response of the Bible is— “Love her like Jesus loves you.”

Look at how Christ wears His crown.

It is the standard for how you should wear yours.

3. A marriage built on God’s wisdom makes a house worth living in.

When a wife is excellent and a husband wears the crown well, the marriage is built on God’s Wisdom.

It is God’s Wisdom that makes the wife virtuous.

It is God’s Wisdom that beckons a man to lead like Christ.

And a house built on wisdom is a house worth living in.

Proverbs 24:3–4 ESV

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Applying the Text to Marriage

This text from the 3rd Collection of Proverbs truly has more to do with how you need wisdom to build anything in life.

The “house” can be a metaphor for a business, a church, a school—anything that can be used to honor the Lord.

But while it may have wider application, there is certainly nothing wrong with applying it to the actual home where the family resides.

When husbands and wives embrace the wisdom that God has given for marriage in His Word, it builds a home that:

is Established by understanding

By the knowledge of God has rooms filled with precious and pleasant riches

This home will have the riches of:

A marriage that points beyond the two people who are called Husband and Wife

It points to the Bride (the Church) and the Bridegroom (Jesus)

Relational joy

There is a mutual friendship between the Wife and her Husband that breeds joy, even when things are sorrowful

Sexual bliss

The marital bed is functioning the way God designed it to—to the joy of the husband and wife

Emotional safety

I always say that “No matter where I am with Katie, I am home.”

She is my Rock.

For whatever happens in the world, a Husband and Wife who are taking Proverbs 12:4 seriously will find refuge in one another

And there are physical blessings that often come to the Husband and Wife who have built the house on God’s wisdom.

The physical blessing of children—which we will talk about next week

The physical blessing of wealth—not promised, but sometimes experienced by a diligent, prodigious couple that loves the Lord

The physical blessing of care—when one is sick, the other is there with provisions

Is this not a house worth living in?

If we think so, then let us build with wisdom.

Not Perfect, But Pursue It Anyway

Now I don’t mean to make it seem like a Proverbs 12:4 marriage is the image of perfection:

June making pot roast while Ward is at work

Wally and the Beave running around the neighborhood with Eddie

A Norman Rockwell existence with no troubles or struggles

The truth is that things invade our homes.

Cancer

Financial trouble

Hard times at church

Discontentment at work

Family members breaking your heart

And the truth is that there are many days where the husband, the wife or BOTH are failing in the roles God has given them.

There is a lack of excellence in the wife’s behavior.

There is a misuse of the husband’s authority.

For whatever may invade the home from the outside or challenge the home from the inside—the standard does not change.

God’s Wise Word gives us rock solid truth for marriage—whether it is thriving or threatened.

And God’s Word gives us the Gospel.

A Groom and a Bride.

A Son and a Church.

For all of our inconsistencies and insecurities and insufficiencies—

We have been given an indestructible blueprint.

Let us live accordingly.