Wisdom and Friendship

Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

A life lived for others with others is good.

It was, I think, my first concert experience. At least that I remember. We had cheap seats in the nosebleed section of the arena. One opening act had performed and the second was nearing the conclusion of his set when the headliner joined him on stage, and they sang together.

“Packing up the dreams God planted

In the fertile soil of you

Can’t believe the hopes he’s granted

Means a chapter in your life is through

But we’ll keep you close as always

It won’t even seem you’ve gone

‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong.”

A rousing anthem on parting ways, of loss but not…

“And friends are friends forever

If the Lord’s the lord of them

And a friend will not say never

‘Cause the welcome will not end

Though it’s hard to let you go

In the Father’s hands we know

That a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.”

Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith… a pair that have seemed to live their song.

There is hopefulness and reality in that endearing song. Reality that people you love and support move in and out of your life; hope that there is a friendship that lasts a lifetime.

As we turn to friendship in this series on wisdom, we must recognize from the outset that of all of the terrain we are covering, this one is that which the world’s perspective is closely aligned. The prevailing culture would agree with most of what I will say this morning.

Friendship is good. But when it comes to the why and what for questions of friendship, two paths diverge.

Again, to Solomon’s wisdom, the Preacher of Ecclesiastes, we listen to hear what is lasting value and where it points us.

A life lived for others with others is good.

Three movements from the text: against going it alone, benefits of being friends, and the strengthening we need to live unshakeably.

Self Insufficiency

In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness an epidemic, noting that 1 in 2 American adults experience measurable loneliness. Its physical toll is devastating. Social disconnection carries a mortality risk equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, raising the risk of heart disease, stroke, and dementia.

The reasons are myriad. Digital habits: our reliance on screens and social media has replaced face-to-face intimate interactions. Relocation: people move much more frequently for school or work, separating them from established networks. And there has been a decline in community gathering spaces (clubs, religious institutions) and a decrease in community-based civic engagement.

We live in a polarized age; we are increasingly cautious about what we reveal of ourselves or opinions we hold, because we don’t want to find opposition.

Loneliness is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and cognitive decline.

So going-it-alone is bad for you.

No one disagrees with this; rather, most have felt and lived this. The lack of belonging, of being truly known, of being helped by the presence of another.

We live in an age of broad, shallow connection. Even in the church.

But this is an arena of life where followers of Christ are to excel and be an example to the world what worthwhile friendship looks like.

We get there by picking up on the differences that biblical wisdom gives for why isolation, “self-sufficiency,” is vanity, a breath fading, and unhappy business.

The Preacher/Author of Ecclesiastes, in chapter 4 is highlighting evil he sees under the sun. Oppression, the tears of the oppressed, and “they had no one to comfort them.” He saw man’s envy of his neighbor, chasing wind to get what we think will satisfy.

Then he gives us another vanity under the sun, the solitary person.

But it’s not just that loneliness is bad and we have statistics; it's that this person has no one to share with, to support, to leave a legacy with.

Ecclesiastes 4:8 “one person who has no other, either son or brother, yet there is no end to all his toil, and his eyes are never satisfied with riches, so that he never asks, “For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?” This also is vanity and an unhappy business.” (ESV)

Money isn’t satisfying; he has plenty of work, but no brother or son, no one to toil for.

The arc of biblical wisdom tells us we were made for community; it is not good for man to be alone.

“The focus moves from one’s internal motivation to work (or lack thereof) to external factors, namely, the good of others. The Preacher now observes an Ebenezer Scrooge of a man: he has no family members, works incessantly but is never satisfied with riches, and is painfully aware that his lifestyle involves only sacrifices without any enjoyment (v. 8). Implicitly he is an example of the phenomenon of verse 6: he has “two hands full of toil” but nothing more. This is twice called “vanity” (vv. 7, 8) and

“unhappy business.” Max Rogland

More than merely practical, there are spiritual implications here. Self-sufficiency can not close the greatest relational gap. That with our Creator. Self-reliance is inherently idolatrous, not just sad.

A life attempting self-sufficiency is lived as implied, for self. But in doing that, there is no joy, satisfaction, or pleasure. True contentment is not found in solitary achievement but in shared experiences and meaningful relationships.

The good life is discovered in living for others.

This is where the text is bringing us, and it comes with reward.

Tethered Toil

We are better together.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest-running study of adult life ever conducted, tracking hundreds of men from the 1930’s into old age. Its headline finding is that “social connection matters as much to long-term health as diet and exercise. Even more striking, the warmth of a person’s relationships at midlife predicts their physical health in old age better than their cholesterol numbers did.

Science argues against self-sufficiency!

These human statistics serve as mere symptoms of a deeper spiritual reality described by Ecclesiastes.

Proves the deeper truth of friendship we have in our text.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. [10] For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (ESV)

This is practical, but also spiritual. Just as physical assistance is crucial in times of need, spiritual and emotional support from other believers is equally vital.

There is reward for our toil; here, more than just being more productive, reward translates into growth, to legacy.

Who we hang with matters.

Proverbs 13:20 “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. (ESV)

This is why we need more than the shallow project passing for friendship in our day. It forms us.

There is also refinement in friendship.

Proverbs 27:5–6 “Better is open rebuke

than hidden love.

[6] Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (ESV)

We need friends to tell it to us straight. And lift us up.

I was reminded of the friendship of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R Tolkien. This one is well-documented in Tolkien's own letters. Tolkien later wrote that his debt to Lewis wasn't influence in the usual sense but sheer, sustained encouragement — "But for his interest and unceasing eagerness for more I should never have brought The L. of the R. to a conclusion." He added that Lewis was, for years, his only audience, and that only through Lewis did he get the idea his stories might be more than a private hobby. This is a vivid, literal case of one friend lifting up another who was ready to quit — and it produced The Lord of the Rings.

Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. (ESV)

“But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). This warning is reminiscent of the famous television commercial in which an old woman has an accident at home and says, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Sometimes this happens in life, not only literally but also metaphorically.

We get knocked down by life’s trials and troubles. Sometimes somebody pushes us, and sometimes we just trip over our own two feet, but either way we end up on the ground. We try something and end up failing. Relationships get broken. Financial difficulties make us feel desperate. Against our own better judgment, we fall into grievous sin.

If we were all alone, we might go down and stay down. But we are not alone. A brother or sister in Christ is there to lift us up with words of encouragement, to remind us of the love and mercy of God, and to help us rise again.”

Ecclesiastes 4:11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? (ESV)

Many have equated this to marriage, leading to the use of a threefold cord reference in weddings. Yes, your spouse should be your friend, but not your only friend.

“The Preacher is not simply talking about marriage here, although of course every God-centered marriage is living proof of this principle. But the Preacher is talking about all of our other relationships too. We were never designed to go it alone, but always to live in community with other people. The “buddy system” is not just for school field trips and swimming in the ocean; it is God’s plan for our life and service to him. It has been this way since the beginning, when God created Adam and said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Togetherness is better than loneliness. Connection is better than competition.”

Picturing the ancient reality of lying back-to-back to keep from freezing in the wilderness.

“As a unit, Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 helps to bring out an important aspect of one’s motivation for working: to be of benefit to others and a larger community. This perspective stands in contrast to that of the self-obsessed, solitary man in verses 7–8, whose work benefits no one. Moreover, verses 9–12 serve also as a corrective to the problem raised in verse 4: some people work diligently but are motivated by sinful jealousy, but others work hard in order to be a blessing to their communities. One’s labors should not be entirely for one’s own benefit.” Max Rogland

But it is not just living for others (providing, encouraging, sustaining) it is living with others. Receiving what we give in friendship.

Former Secretary-General of the United Nations, Dag Hammarskjöld, once wrote, ‘What makes loneliness an anguish is not that I have no one to share my burden, but this: I have only my own burden to bear.’

Secular culture values friendship primarily for self-actualization or emotional utility (what it does for me). Biblical friendship is rooted in sacrificial covenant and sanctification.

Wise friendship is one of God’s primary instruments of formation, and it requires more than most of us are currently offering or receiving.

“With graceful brevity they depict the profit, resilience, comfort and strength bestowed by a true alliance; and these are worth setting against the demands it may make of us. Such demands are not explicit here, but there would hardly be the need to set out the benefits of partnership if it involved no cost. Its obvious price is a person’s independence: henceforth he must consult another’s interest and convenience, listen to another’s reasoning, adjust to another’s pace and style, keep faith with another’s trust. As for the rewards that we find here, they are all joint benefits: there is no question of one partner exploiting the other.” Derek Kidner

The world says be guarded, vague; wisdom says in Christ with others in Christ it is safe to be exposed. It will cost us vast amounts of emotional and relational capital, but it is worth it.

More than just friendship, we are meant for formation.

Banded Belonging

Ecclesiastes 4:12 “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (ESV)

“Even if we do not travel the open road or live in Gotham City, we still face spiritual danger every day. The world is full of temptation — the desire of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life (1 John 2:16). Satan is always prowling around like a lion to devour us (1 Peter 5:8). When it comes to facing these spiritual dangers, two are better than one. If we live close with other believers, there is always someone to stand with us in the fight and to cover us with the protection of prayer.”

We live like mountaineers roped together as teams.

On glaciers, climbers rope together specifically because of falls: when one climber falls into a crevasse, the rope tightens and transmits the force to the rest of the team, and the others drop into self-arrest, driving their axes into the snow and using their own body weight as an anchor. A solo climber who falls into a crevasse has no recourse; a roped climber has a team whose combined mass and friction can arrest the fall. The rope doesn't prevent falling; it makes falling survivable.

So we need multiple friends in community!

Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (ESV)

I always thought this was “born of adversity,” as if we need to labor together, go through something hard to really be friends. But it is “born for adversity”; our friendship is meant to keep us from walking alone.

All of this on relationship, being tied together for safety, health, and thriving; the world agrees, as long as you are first.

The Touching the Void story, where climbing partner Simon Yates was forced to cut the rope holding a badly injured Joe Simpson to save his own life — and Simpson survived anyway, crawling for three days back to camp.

The story complicates the neat "cord that isn't easily broken" image with real cost and real limits, forces us to avoid over-promising what human friendship can bear. Especially when it is for self.

We need a friend who will never cut the rope, that is Jesus. And he becomes the center of our friendships.

More than just friends, we need friends bonded together in Christ.

Aelred of Rievaulx, Spiritual Friendship — the medieval monk’s treatise pictures every real Christian friendship as a trio — the two friends plus Christ making a third in their midst.

Wisdom points to the ultimate friend, empowering us to be friends.

We don’t have friends merely for gain or self-interest; we have them to be formed in Christ, and we can’t do that without Jesus the friend of sinners.

John 15:12–17 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. [13] Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. [14] You are my friends if you do what I command you. [15] No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. [16] You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. [17] These things I command you, so that you will love one another. (ESV)

Made a friend of Jesus by his sacrifice for us; this not only changes how we see the cost of friendship, but the purpose of it, to be obedient to Christ, to love one another.

Through Christ, we are bound more strongly in fellowship, able to face adversities with collective resilience.

In Christ, I can hook onto the line of my friends with honesty and vulnerability because my identity is settled.

Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (ESV)

From this clean slate, I relate to my friends. In love, working together, warming, picking them up, being picked up, protecting.

We are his friends if we do what he commands.

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (ESV)

This is the good life.

The rewards are more than temporary; they are eternal, fruit-bearing, and abiding.

Friends are friends forever if the Lord’s the lord of them.

The life lived for others with others is good.

Befriend Jesus – They called him the friend of sinners as a derogatory phrase. But he leaned into it. Trust in his obedience for you: that he lived the righteous life you could not, that he paid the penalty for sin you could not. All to call you friend and give you real life.

Be a Friend – Put feet to your belief in the importance of community. Find someone, or a few, that you can count on, that can count on you. See them as formation friends. That you can talk to about more than the weather, golf, the latest movie, or which translation of the Bible is best! See and be seen, secure in Christ.

This flows strictly out of already being "Befriended by Jesus"; it is an invitation of grace rather than a burden of duty. Friends that vouch for you and lift you up.

Like Paul had Barnabas.

Acts 9:26–28 “And when he had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples. And they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. [27] But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles and declared to them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who spoke to him, and how at Damascus he had preached boldly in the name of Jesus. [28] So he went in and out among them at Jerusalem, preaching boldly in the name of the Lord. (ESV)

Matt Pilgrim:

You can keep all the world’s power,

All the money and stuff.

Keep your fine food and your jewelry

And all that other fluff.

I’d rather have the special prize –

No value on its face –

That truest sign of wealth I call:

“Friends who believe in grace.”

Barnabas or Ananias

These friends have many names,

But bless these cherished men who know

The Law and all its games.

Men who know that it’s grace alone

That turns worlds upside down.

Grace alone that will someday earn

Rough-edged sinners a crown.

Give me friends that believe that stuff

The ones that live it too.

Friends that look upon enemies

And can’t help but pursue.

My every breath testifies to

How broken I can be-

I need friends who love grace enough

To remind me I’m free.

Friends who will risk their pride and name,

Betting grace is that good.

Barnabas vouched for such a Paul

Because he knew Christ would.

That same Christ that stands with sinners

On crosses and hot roads,

Even as they threaten and kill

He would carry their loads.

So give me friends who believe grace

And preach it with their blood,

Friends who will come and preach to me

While I’m drenched in life’s mud.

Such are the men like Barnabas-

Ridiculed jar-breakers –

As they run toward enemy lines

As blessed peacemakers.

It is not easy, and may even hurt some. But a life enriched by loving friendships fosters resilience and joy. We are designed to support one another as Christ supports us, as he transforms us. That is what wisdom says.

May it be so, in us, friends.