Extending Grace to the Humble

Last week, I asked a question. What do we do when someone who hurt us walks back into our lives? Do we forgive them? Do we just go back to being friends? Are we supposed to pretend everything is okay? Forgiving someone who hurt us deeply is hard, but knowing when and how to extend full reconciliation can feel even harder. How do we move from self-protection to true restoration?

Last week I talked about placing people in concentric circles (like a target). Well, I went to work on that this week. I developed a series of five circles that everyone in my life fits into. I want to take a minute to show it to you.

Closest relationships - Family, very close friends, ride or die people

The Tribe - People you have regular contact with. You do life together, but they are not the people who know the most intimate details about your life

Allies - These are people you may know well but you are not living life with. They might be members of the community, coworkers, extended family, old friends from high school or college, etc.

Acquaintances - These are people you know, you recognize their names on your phone or social media feeds, but you rarely communicate with them. Maybe once a year or so.

Strangers - These are people you met once. These are the one-off interactions. You exchanged contact info, then you never reached out.

I created a system this week that grades each person based on five things. The higher they score, the closer they are. The lower they score, the further out they are. Where does someone who hurt you go? Which circle would you place them in? That choice is yours because you get to decide how many circles there are and the rules for engagement with people in each circle.

We often struggle to distinguish between someone making excuses and someone whose heart has genuinely changed. As a result, we either extend cheap grace without repentance, or we stay guarded forever and withhold forgiveness even when a heart has humbled itself.

As we re-enter the life of Joseph, we are going to cover a lot of scripture. Last week he saw his brothers for the first time in 20 years. He chose to test them to see if they were the same brothers from 20 years ago. He gave them very clear instructions. Bring your brother to me and we won’t consider you as spies.

But how do you know? We talked about having rules of engagement for people in each circle. But what if someone does the work to cross over into the next circle? Let’s look at the story to discover how to know when to extend grace to the truly humble.

Unresolved past hurt creates fear.

In the previous chapter, the brothers minus Simeon returned home with food. When the food ran out, Jacob, also known as Israel, wants to send his sons back to Egypt for more food. The issue is he doesn’t want to send Benjamin. After another argument, Israel reluctantly sends Benjamin with his brothers.

But the brothers are on edge. They are deeply nervous. Let’s take a look at what happens when they get to Egypt.

Genesis 43:16–34 NASB95

When Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to his house steward, “Bring the men into the house, and slay an animal and make ready; for the men are to dine with me at noon.” So the man did as Joseph said, and brought the men to Joseph’s house. Now the men were afraid, because they were brought to Joseph’s house; and they said, “It is because of the money that was returned in our sacks the first time that we are being brought in, that he may seek occasion against us and fall upon us, and take us for slaves with our donkeys.” So they came near to Joseph’s house steward, and spoke to him at the entrance of the house, and said, “Oh, my lord, we indeed came down the first time to buy food, and it came about when we came to the lodging place, that we opened our sacks, and behold, each man’s money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full. So we have brought it back in our hand. “We have also brought down other money in our hand to buy food; we do not know who put our money in our sacks.” He said, “Be at ease, do not be afraid. Your God and the God of your father has given you treasure in your sacks; I had your money.” Then he brought Simeon out to them. Then the man brought the men into Joseph’s house and gave them water, and they washed their feet; and he gave their donkeys fodder. So they prepared the present for Joseph’s coming at noon; for they had heard that they were to eat a meal there. When Joseph came home, they brought into the house to him the present which was in their hand and bowed to the ground before him. Then he asked them about their welfare, and said, “Is your old father well, of whom you spoke? Is he still alive?” They said, “Your servant our father is well; he is still alive.” They bowed down in homage. As he lifted his eyes and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother’s son, he said, “Is this your youngest brother, of whom you spoke to me?” And he said, “May God be gracious to you, my son.” Joseph hurried out for he was deeply stirred over his brother, and he sought a place to weep; and he entered his chamber and wept there. Then he washed his face and came out; and he controlled himself and said, “Serve the meal.” So they served him by himself, and them by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because the Egyptians could not eat bread with the Hebrews, for that is loathsome to the Egyptians. Now they were seated before him, the firstborn according to his birthright and the youngest according to his youth, and the men looked at one another in astonishment. He took portions to them from his own table, but Benjamin’s portion was five times as much as any of theirs. So they feasted and drank freely with him.

The brothers are terrified. They are convinced they are being lured into a trap to be made slaves. They go to the steward of the house, which was mist likely what Joseph was to Potiphar, and offer to pay for the original sacks of food. Remember, they think they are going through this because of what they did to Joseph 20 years ago.

Deep-seated guilt and past trauma make genuine community feel unsafe. When there is underlying conflict within the body of Christ, you can feel the tension in the air at church. When trust has been shattered, even acts of kindness are viewed with suspicion until the underlying sin is faced. It is hard to know whether someone is being nice because it is a facade or because they actually want to love you like Jesus. Unresolved past conflict creates fear. When someone who hurt you re-enters your life, what are their motives? What are their intentions? Are they the same person they were when they left?

True heart change shows up when responsibility begins.

Joseph sets up the final test. This move is super risky, but it is brilliant. What happens when another brother is put in danger?

Genesis 44:1–13 NASB95

Then he commanded his house steward, saying, “Fill the men’s sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put each man’s money in the mouth of his sack. “Put my cup, the silver cup, in the mouth of the sack of the youngest, and his money for the grain.” And he did as Joseph had told him. As soon as it was light, the men were sent away, they with their donkeys. They had just gone out of the city, and were not far off, when Joseph said to his house steward, “Up, follow the men; and when you overtake them, say to them, ‘Why have you repaid evil for good? ‘Is not this the one from which my lord drinks and which he indeed uses for divination? You have done wrong in doing this.’ ” So he overtook them and spoke these words to them. They said to him, “Why does my lord speak such words as these? Far be it from your servants to do such a thing. “Behold, the money which we found in the mouth of our sacks we have brought back to you from the land of Canaan. How then could we steal silver or gold from your lord’s house? “With whomever of your servants it is found, let him die, and we also will be my lord’s slaves.” So he said, “Now let it also be according to your words; he with whom it is found shall be my slave, and the rest of you shall be innocent.” Then they hurried, each man lowered his sack to the ground, and each man opened his sack. He searched, beginning with the oldest and ending with the youngest, and the cup was found in Benjamin’s sack. Then they tore their clothes, and when each man loaded his donkey, they returned to the city.

Wow. Do you feel the weight of the tension here? Poor Benjamin doesn’t know what is about to happen. Benjamin is the only other son born of Rachel, the favorite wife of Jacob. She passed away a while back. Do you want to bet that Jacob was protective of Benjamin like he was Joseph? Do you want to bet that maybe he was more protective since he believed Joseph was dead?

If this was 20 years ago, would these brothers have abandoned Benjamin as they sold out Joseph? Their response in verse thirteen tells us that they are owning their responsibility to look after their little brother. They choose not to abandon Benjamin by returning together to face the ruler.

We cannot extend healthy, restoring grace until we see genuine repentance. When the person who hurt you demonstrates taking ownership of their actions, then you are ready to move forward. Real humility doesn't make excuses, shift blame, or minimize the damage done. It stands and owns the consequences.

I was sixteen years old when I was arrested the first time. I didn’t realize how quickly your freedom could be stripped from you. But there I was in a jail cell left with nothing to do but question the events that got me there. Was it the officer’s fault? No. Was it my friend’s fault? No. It was my fault. I chose to do the things that led up to being out that night. I chose to drop my things and run. I chose to go back out after we thought we made it away from the cops. Those were my choices. When you see someone take responsibility for their actions, a change of heart has occurred.

Humility is proven when sacrifice replaces self-preservation.

This is the best part. Have you ever tried to settle something and you got the feeling the only reason the other person is even interested in settling differences is so they can save face? Every time a politician or a public figure gives some sort of public apology, my first thought is, “Are they doing this because they are genuinely remorseful, or because they got caught and they have an image to protect?”

Judah steps forward. What’s his motive? He recounts the story up to this point. In verse 16 of chapter 44, he says, “God has found out the iniquity (that is, sin) of your servants.” He acknowledges his guilt before the brother he betrayed and he doesn’t even know it! He recounts Israel’s grief at the loss of Joseph (who for 20 years didn’t know his father believed him to be dead), explains that they can bring no more grief to their father, and offers himself as a lifelong slave in Benjamin's place. That’s humility!

Remember in chapter 38 Judah was the foil to Joseph? He was the complete opposite. He couldn’t be trusted. He was not a man of his word. But look now. His transformation is complete. He went from selling a brother for profit to sacrificing himself for a brother. This is the mark of a truly humbled heart: a willingness to pay the cost to make things right.

When met with humility, grace must replace retaliation.

After all this time, the moment of truth comes. Joseph has all the evidence he needs.

Genesis 45:1–15 NASB95

Then Joseph could not control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried, “Have everyone go out from me.” So there was no man with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. He wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard of it. Then Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still alive?” But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed at his presence. Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Please come closer to me.” And they came closer. And he said, “I am your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. “Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. “For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. “God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. “Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt. “Hurry and go up to my father, and say to him, ‘Thus says your son Joseph, “God has made me lord of all Egypt; come down to me, do not delay. “You shall live in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near me, you and your children and your children’s children and your flocks and your herds and all that you have. “There I will also provide for you, for there are still five years of famine to come, and you and your household and all that you have would be impoverished.” ’ “Behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see, that it is my mouth which is speaking to you. “Now you must tell my father of all my splendor in Egypt, and all that you have seen; and you must hurry and bring my father down here.” Then he fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck. He kissed all his brothers and wept on them, and afterward his brothers talked with him.

What makes a selfish untrustworthy man sacrifice himself for his brother? A changed heart. Seeing Judah sacrifice himself for Benjamin leads Joseph to an uncontrollable break down. He reveals his identity, weeping and embracing the very men who betrayed him. He reframes the story around God's sovereignty by acknowledging God had sent him to Egypt to be in position to save his family.

Joseph had the power to destroy his brothers, but he chose to heal. When someone shows genuine humility and repentance, storing up past wrongs or holding power over them must yield to restoring grace. It’s at this point when we finally see the point of the story.

Because God has forgiven us, we must extend restoring grace when a broken heart turns to humility.

In his sovereignty, before the foundations of the earth were laid, God chose that he would extend grace to you by sending his son to stand in the gap for you. He chose that Jesus would satisfy his demand for justice by dying on a cross, being buried in a tomb, and rising from the dead three days later. His death, burial, and resurrection demonstrate the price that was paid on our behalf and the victory over sin and death Jesus accomplished. It also opens the door to an invitation to join God as one of his children, escaping the penalty of our sins.

You see, there may be someone in your life who hurt you. And you may be reluctant to extend grace. First, remember that there needs to be a change of heart before that person is allowed in closer circles again. Second, you don’t have to wait for them to change before you choose forgiveness. You can give it to God today and free yourself from the power that has been holding over you.

I want you to see that before we were Joseph in this story, we were Judah—guilty, helpless, and in need of mercy. Christ saw us in our brokenness, took our place, and extended unconditional grace. So because God has forgiven us, we must extend restoring grace when a broken heart turns to humility.

Listen to the Holy Spirit. It can be very hard to know when someone is being genuinely humble. The signs are ceasing from excuses and owning responsibility. But the Holy Spirit residing in you knows. Listen to him. He will let you know when you are facing a false humility versus authentic humility.

Release the Debt. Is there someone in your life who has humbled themselves and sought forgiveness, but you are still holding their offense over their head? It is time to let that go. If you are holding on to unresolved hurt, you are doing yourself and the offender who came to you in true repentance harm.

Choose Restoration. Like Joseph, step past retaliation and open the door to emotional and relational restoration. Failure to do so hinders your worship.

Matthew 5:21–24 NASB95

“You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

God calls us to healthy relationships with everyone in our lives. What needs to happen to make peace? Are you the offender who needs to seek forgiveness, or are you the offended who needs to extend grace to a humbled heart?