Beloved 6: The Dangerous Foxes
Notes
Transcript
Bookmarks & Needs:
Bookmarks & Needs:
B: Songs 2:15
N:
Welcome
Welcome
Bye, kids!
Good morning, and welcome to Family Worship with the church body of Eastern Hills: People helping people live out the unexpected love of Jesus every day. Whether you are here in the room, or online, thanks for being part of our celebration of Jesus this morning. I’m senior pastor Bill Connors, and I’m grateful for this church family and being able to gather together.
If you are visiting with us for the first time today, thanks for choosing to worship with Eastern Hills! We would like to be able to thank you for your visit and to pray for you, so if you wouldn’t mind, please take a moment during the sermon to fill out a visitor card, which you’ll find in the back of the pew in front of you. If you’re online, you can let us know about your visit by filling out the communication form at the bottom of our “I’m new“ page. If you’re here in the room today, you can get that card back to us in one of two ways: you can put it in the boxes by the doors at the close of service, or I would love the opportunity to meet you personally, so after service, you can bring that card to me directly, and I have a gift to give you to thank you for your visit today.
Thanks to our Praise Band, Worship 4:24—their name comes from John 4:24 “God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in Spirit and in truth.” I know that this is their heart and their focus. Thanks for your leadership.
Opening
Opening
We’re working through the Song of Songs verse-by-verse in this series that we’re calling Beloved. This book never mentions God directly, but His fingerprints are all over it in Solomon’s wisdom regarding an ideal romantic love. This love is God’s idea, after all! As we’ve looked at the poetry that colors the relationship between these two lovebirds, we’ve seen the passion that they have for each other as people, not merely as love interests. They see each other as equals in this relationship, and are willing to be wise in their pursuit of one another, not “stirring up or awakening love” until the appropriate time.
Last week, we saw that mature love is not merely passionate enough to pursue one another. It is disciplined enough to protect one another.
The Lover and the Beloved demonstrated patience. Their relationship was blossoming. Their affection was growing. Their desire for one another was obvious. Yet they were committed to honoring God's timing because they believed that some things are worth waiting for. They were responsible in their pursuit of one another.
I mentioned last week that Songs 2:15 is perhaps the most practical verse in the book, and that it would serve as our focal passage for the next two weeks. Our goal for today and next Sunday will be to be very practical in “catching the foxes” in our relationships—lessons that largely can apply to both romantic relationships and others.
So please stand for just a moment for the reading of the Word of God—only verse 15 of chapter 2 of the Song of Songs:
15 Catch the foxes for us— the little foxes that ruin the vineyards— for our vineyards are in bloom.
PRAYER
I have a confession to make: I am NOT a gardener. To be honest, I’ve never really tried it. I think Abbie is probably better at it, and she’s never really tried it either. One year, she buried some pumpkin seeds in our back yard, and that next fall we grew a single pumpkin, but through no effort on my part whatsoever. I feel accomplished when my grass isn’t dead, and I have sprinklers that run on a timer. My track record with plants is less “master gardener” and more “witness protection program for vegetation.” If a plant is left in my care, its future becomes very uncertain. I’ve tried to keep plants alive, and I either put them in the sun not enough or too much, or give them too much water or not enough, or I just don’t think about them at all and they suffer from my blatant neglect. So in order to stop any further plant genocide at my hands (other than my lawn), I’ve decided to stop trying to “help” them stay alive, because I am convinced that I have the black thumb of death. You’re welcome. I thank the Lord for those of you who have green thumbs, and I both admire your skill and the literal fruits that come from it. But even those of you with green thumbs know that growing something is only half the battle. Keeping it healthy and safe is the other half.
In this pivotal verse in the Song, both the Lover (man) and the Beloved (woman) are making this appeal. As I said last week, the command to “catch” the little foxes is requested of whomever is listening—some commentators suggest that it’s being said to or even by the chorus: the young women of Jerusalem. However, I think that it is more likely that they are saying it to one another individually and themselves collectively at the same time.
Last week, I said that the point isn’t who is supposed to catch these foxes, but the fact that the foxes must be caught. I still think this, but as I spent more time this week contemplating this verse, I was prompted by the question: “Who else is going to catch the foxes that threaten the vineyard of their love except they themselves?”
And last Sunday I explained about the notoriety of foxes and the harm they can bring to vineyards. For our the lovers in the Song, the vineyard of their love is “in bloom,” which means that it’s not ready to be harvested. And for them, the “little fox” is the temptation to stir up and awaken love before the proper time.
But does this mean that the vineyards of love in a marriage relationship don’t need guarded, shielded, protected? No. A garden can be planted correctly and still be ruined. A tree can be healthy and still be damaged. A vineyard can be in the midst of harvest and still be threatened.
I said last week that it’s often the things left unresolved, even little things, that cause big problems in relationships. These are the dangerous foxes that we are going to seek to identify this week, so they can be caught and dealt with. If love is worth cultivating, then love is worth protecting. We have a responsibility to take part in that cultivation and protection. The truth is that every marriage will be threatened by a fox or two at some point. And truly, much of this applies not only to marriage, but to friendships and other family relationships as well.
Some foxes attack the roots. Some foxes create division. Some foxes distract us from what matters most. The first is the kind of fox that uproots.
1: Foxes that uproot
1: Foxes that uproot
When foxes burrow underneath a fence or a wall in order to get into a vineyard, they can easily tear through the tender roots of a grapevine. Exposing roots to air and light can cause them to dry out and die, threatening the entire plant. Think about it: if you uproot a plant and leave it out, how long will it last?
And we’re addressing the foxes that uproot first, because they are the ones that are the most dangerous. These are things that directly threaten the life of the relationship. Every relationship, marital and otherwise, has roots—aspects that are foundational to that relationship’s existence. The deeper the relationship, the more roots there are. A surface relationship might be built on a single thing, like a common affinity for a sport or a hobby. A marital relationship should be built on a LOT of things: faith, trust, love, shared history, parenting… this list could really go on and on.
Uprooting a surface relationship is easy, and not particularly destructive. But uprooting a relationship like a marriage does an incredible amount of damage because of the network of roots that should be holding it in place.
If two people who are in Christ are married to one another, then the true base foundation of the marital relationship should be Jesus Himself, and both spouses’ submission to the Holy Spirit in obedience to the Word of God. If we reject this foundation, then we leave ourselves open to the foxes of role mismanagement and fatigue.
God has made male and female in His sovereign goodness. We are different by design, with different perspectives, priorities, and powers. And we have different roles that are good and useful.
27 So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female.
Guys: we are men. We don’t have to apologize for being men, provided that we are being men in obedience to Scripture. Ladies: you are women. You don’t have to apologize for being women, again provided that you are being women in obedience to Scripture. There are things that both men and women can do. There are things that each gender is better at. There are things that can only be done by each gender. That’s all on purpose, built into the design of “male and female” by God.
However, the Bible is clear that there are particular roles in the family that husbands and wives are to hold: The husband is to lead in self-sacrificing love. The wife should submit to that leadership willingly.
I preached on Ephesians 5:22-33 on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day this year, and covered much of this topic there. You can review those on our website, YouTube channel, or in the app. But for here, I’ll just bring out one passage very quickly:
18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and don’t be bitter toward them.
Wives, when you willingly submit to your husbands, you do what is fitting in the Lord. Paul’s explanation in Ephesians 5 says that headship is a position that he has been given in God’s sovereignty. You are not to try to take it. However, you also are to come alongside your husband as a help in his leadership.
Husbands, when you love your wives well, you put the love of Christ on display for the world to see. You are not to be bitter with your wives, as Paul wrote and as Peter agreed in 1 Peter 3:7 when he told husbands, “live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life.”
Men, the family buck stops with us. We have to lead our families to follow the Lord actively, not passively, which demands that we ourselves follow the Lord well. We will be talking about some of this in our Men’s Breakfast series this coming year, as we look at Authentic Masculinity (starts August 15).
But it is also possible for husbands and wives to mismanage their God-given roles through abusing those roles. Men, just because we have been given the position of headship doesn’t mean that we get to “lord over” our wives. They aren’t our slaves or our puppets or our yes-girls. They are our God-given help so that we can lead our families in wisdom. Ladies, just because God has given headship to the husband doesn’t mean that you have zero responsibility. You are to be a help to him, not a passive observer.
The other fox that uproots is fatigue. When we consider our marriage vows to be conditional—not a sacred promise to God, but something that we can simply give up on if we aren’t “happy”—then we have been attacked by the fox of fatigue.
Last week, I talked briefly about the importance of giving in developing relational intimacy. That goes for more that marriages. We can’t grow weary of doing good.
7 Don’t be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a person sows he will also reap, 8 because the one who sows to his flesh will reap destruction from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit. 9 Let us not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up.
When we reach the point of fatigue threatening to uproot our marriage, we’re open to considering divorce as an option. But God stands against divorce:
16 “If he hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord God of Israel, “he covers his garment with injustice,” says the Lord of Armies. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously.
This verse could also be translated: “The Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce and the one who divorces his wife...” But ultimately, it doesn’t matter. God obviously hates divorce, because He then says that the person who divorces his wife covers his garment with injustice.
God created marriage, and His good intention was for it to be a life-long commitment, not to be broken without just cause.
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
However, please don’t hear this as me picking on anyone who has suffered through a divorce. This is about what to watch out for in our marriages. We cannot change our pasts, but we can go forward in the redeeming love of God in the future for His glory and for our good.
As an aside: To be completely fair, fatigue can set into other relationships like friendships as well. However, there’s not a biblical instruction as strong as the one against divorce. I will say this though: If we are someone’s friend, Proverbs says that we love at all times, especially in adversity, which is when we’re most likely to give up:
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.
But my point here is that if you’re married, then you must decide that divorce is never an option: you must divorce divorce. We cannot allow fatigue to threaten to uproot what God has planted. If divorce is off the table, then with God’s help we can find our way through any issue that comes up, because we will not have any other choice.
These foxes that uproot damage the foundation of the marital relationship, and leave the grapevine open to withering and death. But not all foxes are things that attack the roots directly. Sometimes they are behaviors that slip in, often over time, and create division.
2: Foxes that divide
2: Foxes that divide
It’s simple math: relationships take two people. Whether we are talking about friendships, family relationships, or romantic relationships, they are all by definition the relating of one person to another. Foxes that divide are things that happen between two people that hinder their togetherness, their oneness.
There are two of these foxes as well, and the first of them really applies to any close relationship: poor communication. Communication is vital for any relationship to be healthy and to grow. But communicating well is hard work. It takes intentionality in both speaking AND hearing. James makes this clear:
19 My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,
Often when relationships begin to experience division, it’s because communication has broken down in some way. Proverbs has a lot to say about wisdom in communication. A couple of examples from chapter 15:
1 A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath. 2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge attractive, but the mouth of fools blurts out foolishness.
4 The tongue that heals is a tree of life, but a devious tongue breaks the spirit.
Unfortunately, what often happens it that we don’t actually pay attention to what our tongues are speaking, so we don’t realize that our tongues aren’t bringing healing, but division. In Daniel Akin’s commentary on this verse of the Song, he gives four useful suggestions of ways that the fox of poor communication creates division, and what to do about it:
The first is criticism. This is when we attack the person instead of the issue. Criticism is often shown by the use of absolute phrases that aren’t actually absolute, such as: “you always do this,” or, “you never do that,” as well as in assuming the worst in the other person before knowing whether that assumption is correct. Often, a criticized person feels that they have no option but to defend themselves against a false attack (which is its own problem). Criticism often leads to both people feeling unheard and unsatisfied. This is certainly not to say that we shouldn’t address issues in relationships—it’s that we should do so by directly, specifically, and accurately expressing our complaint about what has happened, instead of making global statements about the other person.
The second is what I just mentioned: defensiveness. Rather than taking an honest look at where we might be at fault, we mount a counter-attack, or we play the victim. Defensiveness is often a means of manipulation, because we’re attempting to turn the blame for the conflict onto the other person, or at the very least deflect the problem away from ourselves. Even when we are being criticized, we should be willing to listen well and examine the accuracy of what the other person is saying, and then take responsibility for our part in the conflict.
Stonewalling is a third mode of poor communication that creates division. This is when one party to a conflict unilaterally withdraws from conversation about a problem. Often this is because the stonewaller is feeling overwhelmed and needs a moment to think and calm themselves, but it is often perceived by the other person as if they just don’t care enough to talk about the issue and come to a resolution. Rather than stonewalling, share that you need a minute to think and calm down.
The last one is the most dangerous: contempt. We express contempt for one another when we insult, mock, or disparage each other in what we say or how we act. Name-calling, put-downs, eye rolls, and scoffing are all ways that we can damage the closeness of a relationship, because people tend to believe negative things about ourselves more readily than positive things. Therefore, contemptuous behavior can be difficult to forgive, and even more difficult to forget. A good adage to live by is to “have contempt for contempt.”
Ephesians chapter 4 has a couple of great verses relating to communication:
15 But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ.
Speak the truth, yes… but do so in love at all times, wanting the best for the other person, as well as for your relationship.
29 No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
None of the things I’ve mentioned are good for building up someone in need. None of them give grace to the hearers. Our words should be useful for building up. Keep in mind, however, that sometimes this means that correction is necessary. But again, it’s correct for the purpose of growth, not destruction.
Poor communication can be particularly damaging in marital relationships, where poor communication habits can become more ingrained in the fabric of the relationship if we are not mindful of them. However, it’s easy to see that this can be an issue in any relationship.
The other fox that divides is a marital issue: intimacy neglect. I’m not going to camp out here for very long, but it bears addressing for a moment here.
The Bible doesn’t shy away from the fact that the marital relationship is a sexual relationship. It’s necessary for humanity to carry out the command given to us in Genesis 1:28:
28 God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.”
God could have made it so that sexual intimacy was only procreative, but in His wisdom, He didn’t do that. He designed it so that it is connective: the becoming one flesh in the act of sexual intimacy is a part of the picture of the intimacy of marriage itself:
24 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
We’ve seen the desire that exist between the Lover and the Beloved in the Song to this point, and by my interpretation, they aren’t married yet. This is why they don’t want to stir up or awaken love before the appropriate time. But that also means that there is an appropriate time. There’s something special and beautiful about two young people who fall in love and get married, isn’t there? God’s good design for oneness between a husband and a wife involves sexual intimacy.
However, this is just the beginning. Daniel Akin said it this way:
“Now this youthful passion and sensual desire may be enough to get us started, but it is not enough to get us to the finish line together. What we start with must grow wider and deeper if we are to enjoy and experience all that our God desires. That which begins physical and sensual must also be spiritual and personal.”
—Daniel Akin, Exalting Jesus in the Song of Songs
Desire and passion are not the sole property of the young. But the roaring flame of that youthful excitement are a part of how we engrave the lines of deeper spiritual and emotional intimacy over time. It’s something that married couples should enjoy with one another for as long as they reasonably can, according to what Solomon wrote in Proverbs 5:
18 Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving deer, a graceful doe— let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever.
Neglecting intimacy in your marriage can create division by becoming a point of stress, contention, and hurt. There is exactly ONE godly outlet for sexual desire: your spouse. An ongoing denial here is a universal denial. This can foster bitterness and anger, and even temptation to sin:
5 Do not deprive one another—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Note: neither Paul nor I am saying that lacking self-control is okay. But neglecting this aspect of marriage is a way to leave the door of temptation open. Of course, there are circumstances (such as health issues) that warrant a cessation in sexual activity as well, and those should be approached in love also.
In the Song, we’ve already seen that the Lover’s favorite name for the Beloved is “my darling,” which has a primary meaning more like “my companion,” or “my friend.” We will also see that he will call her “my sister” in 4:12 and 5:2, and that she will call him “my friend” in 5:16, though her favorite name for him is “my love.”
16 His mouth is sweetness. He is absolutely desirable. This is my love, and this is my friend, young women of Jerusalem.
If the target of marriage is oneness, then the foxes that divide will keep us from hitting that target. Over time, a small division can become a massive ravine that erodes the relationship. We have to catch these foxes as well. And finally, there are foxes that keep us from spending the time that we need to spend cultivating the vineyards of our relationships. These are the foxes that distract.
3: Foxes that distract
3: Foxes that distract
These are the last two dangerous foxes to consider this morning. Now, each of us has the same bank of time: We all get 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes every hour, 60 seconds every minute, or 604,800 seconds to spend every week. There are lots of things that we MUST do: We all have to sleep. We all have other tasks that we are responsible for that our lives honestly require, such as work or family obligations. The question is: what are we doing with the “surplus” time that we have? How are we investing that time wisely?
The psalmist wrote:
12 Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts.
Again, one of these can apply to relationships more generally, and one is primarily for marriage. The more general one is the fox of poor time use. I’m not going to lie: this is an issue in my own relationships, including with Mel sometimes. If we want to cultivate a close relationship with anyone else, we’re going to have to invest time in doing so. Since time is a finite commodity, then every time we say “yes” to something, we are necessarily saying “no” to something else. It isn’t even that the things that we are doing are “bad,” just that they are not “best.”
Consider for just a moment how much time we spend “investing” in things that are going to bring little or no return. How much time do we spend doom-scrolling? How much time do we spend screen-shopping (instead of window shopping), or just scrolling social media without engaging in being social, or mindlessly playing a pointless game? I’m not saying that we must cut such things out completely, but study after study show that we as a society feel more lonely and isolated because of our constant ability to connect to the internet, not less.
Paul said in Ephesians 5:
15 Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk—not as unwise people but as wise—16 making the most of the time, because the days are evil.
Again, the fox of poor time use isn’t necessarily “evil.” It’s just not “wise—making the most of the time.” We might feel that we have all the time in the world, because the next second is going to follow this one, etc. But James tells us:
14 Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring—what your life will be! For you are like vapor that appears for a little while, then vanishes.
We have to invest our time wisely if we’re going to cultivate relationships, whether those are with a spouse, with our kids, with our friends, or with the Lord. This is the fox that we most let into the vineyard of our relationship with God.
But isn’t it incredible that Jesus never got distracted from His mission to save us? He never turned aside from His path to the cross, because His dying for our sins was the only way for us to be restored to a relationship with God. We deserved the death He died, and yet He laid down His life willingly to buy our pardon. If we believe in Him by trusting in His sacrifice to save us, and surrendering to Him as our Lord, then not only are we not God’s enemies anymore, but the Bible tells us that we become His children by the work of His Spirit when we believe:
14 For all those led by God’s Spirit are God’s sons. 15 For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear. Instead, you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father!” 16 The Spirit himself testifies together with our spirit that we are God’s children,
Trust in Christ, turn from your sin, and follow Him.
Thank the Lord that He never got distracted from His love for us.
The last fox that distracts, the one that is really for those who are married, is the fox of outside interference. This is when you become distracted from your spouse by someone of the opposite sex. It may not manifest immediately as an affair, but it’s the first steps in that direction. Consider what Solomon had to say about this in Proverbs 15:
1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom; listen closely to my understanding 2 so that you may maintain discretion and your lips safeguard knowledge. 3 Though the lips of the forbidden woman drip honey and her words are smoother than oil, 4 in the end she’s as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps head straight for Sheol. 6 She doesn’t consider the path of life; she doesn’t know that her ways are unstable. 7 So now, sons, listen to me, and don’t turn away from the words from my mouth. 8 Keep your way far from her. Don’t go near the door of her house. 9 Otherwise, you will give up your vitality to others and your years to someone cruel; 10 strangers will drain your resources, and your hard-earned pay will end up in a foreigner’s house. 11 At the end of your life, you will lament when your physical body has been consumed, 12 and you will say, “How I hated discipline, and how my heart despised correction. 13 I didn’t obey my teachers or listen closely to my instructors. 14 I am on the verge of complete ruin before the entire community.”
While this is written to Solomon’s son, that doesn’t mean it can’t apply to a daughter. A couple of warning signs to consider about this distraction:
1: You share your marital troubles with this other person;
2: You invent excuses to spend time with this person;
3: You spend a lot of time thinking about this person;
4: You feel that this person “understands you” in ways that your spouse doesn’t;
5: You hide communication with this person from your spouse.
This is a slippery slope! These feelings and actions may come on inch by inch over time, but you’re on a dangerous path toward infidelity. Repent and run away from this relationship. Paul said it this way:
18 Flee sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the person who is sexually immoral sins against his own body.
Closing
Closing
Remember our focal verse today:
15 Catch the foxes for us— the little foxes that ruin the vineyards— for our vineyards are in bloom.
Watch out for the foxes that uproot, the foxes that divide, and the foxes that distract—the dangerous foxes that threaten to ruin the vineyard of loving relationships.
Nobody catches these foxes accidentally. No one wakes up one day to a healthy vineyard because they ignored it. Vineyards flourish when they are cultivated and protected. The Lover and the Beloved understood that. If we want our relationships to flourish, then we must be willing to do the work to catch the foxes that threaten them before they do their damage.
And ultimately, having relationships of any kind that honor God are going to come from first us being followers of Christ ourselves. We won’t be able to honor God with our relationships if we aren’t following Him.
Salvation
Baptism
Church membership
Prayer
Giving
PRAYER
Closing Remarks
Closing Remarks
No neighboring moment today
Bible reading
Pastor’s Study tonight
Prayer Meeting
Instructions for guests
Joannes Tangub and family
Benediction
Benediction
Tangub family song
