Burdened by Forgiveness

Forgiveness. One of the key foundations of what it means to be a Christian. Forgiveness is found throughout the Bible either being directly or indirectly addressed. Jesus talks about forgiveness at least 15 times in the gospels, again, making it a very important part of our faith life. But if it is so central to our faith why are we so bad at it? After all Jesus says that if a person sins against you seven times in a single day, but each time comes and tells you that they are changing their ways then we must forgive that person. If I’m being honest, if a person wronged or sinned against me even 3 times in a single day and asked me to forgive them I think I would have a hard time doing it. The first time, depending on what happened, doesn’t seem like a big deal. The second time, maybe they’re just having a hard day. A third time starts to make it a pattern either about them or something they have against me. But even though I’m struggling to envision 3 times, Jesus tells me that if that person comes to me four more times and tells me they’re working it then I must forgive them. That’s more than double what seems like a normal amount of forgiveness I can handle. And in this specific passage from Luke, that’s just in a single day! What if I work with this person and I see them 5 days a week? Does that mean I should be prepared to forgive them 35 times a week? Or what if they are someone I live with and see every single day and I have to forgive them 49 times a week.

Perhaps that is where the misconception of 7 times 7 of forgiveness comes from, because in Matthew it isn’t 7 times in a single day but Peter asks how many times they should forgive…as much as 7 times…and Jesus responds not 7 times but 77 times or even higher of 70 times 7 which is 490 times. Now in this conversation about forgiveness in Matthew there is no timeline like there is in Luke, but timeline and the literalness of numbers doesn’t matter because Jesus is using the Biblical number of 7 to point to wholeness or completeness. Which is what we should think about when we see the number 7 or a multiple of 7 in scripture. Which again if I’m being completely human and honest about this stuff, it makes my head hurt to think about the amount of forgiveness that is being asked of me, and while I’ve been picking on myself this whole time, I’m gonna throw you all under the bus now becuase this idea of forgiveness is meant for us all. And this is why forgiveness is considered one of the central part of the Christian faith.

And this is also one of the ways that people have taken advantage of Christians. This idea of forgiveness is often thrown at us as a way for us to ignore what the person is doing and forgive them for it while they continue to do it or other activities that they should not be doing. One passage often cited is Jesus sermon on the mount where Jesus tells us that if someone slaps us on the cheek that we should present the other cheek as well. This is meant as resistance to violence not a passive giving in to whatever the other person is doing. While not directly about forgiveness the misunderstanding of this passage being about being passive to what people do to us along with always forgiving has created a false and unhealthy way for Christians to act and set healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries is the other part of forgiveness we need to talk about today because we need to both forgive as much as Christ calls us to forgive, but we must also make sure to have healthy boundaries when interacting with that person who sins against us 7 times in a single day. Who is this person who sins against me 7 times in a single day? Are they really that ignorant? Are they taking advantage of me? Either way we need to discover the reasons behind the actions that they are taking against us. And whether they are ignorant or taking advantage, we have to remember that one of the most important parts of healthy boundaries when dealing with forgiveness with someone is accountability. If they didn’t know what they were doing then help them understand. Have a conversation about what has happened and how it affected you. Perhaps that is all it takes to create a healthy boundary between you and the other person. The key to that is to make sure that you are willing to set aside, or forgive the hurt, and act in a way that truly brings that reconciliation, as well as teaches the person the right way to behave or interact with you.

Now if a person is taking advantage of you, or has something against you, or some other reason, then you need to set up different kinds of healthy boundaries. While the command is to forgive, God does not intend for us to continue to put ourselves in hurtful situations or with people who will abuse or take advantage of us. So if a situation arises where forgiveness has occurred and the person continues to sin against you, then we need to realize that the relationship doesn’t need to be the same that it has been. A healthy boundary and a way to protect yourself and that person from further sin and harm is to remove the temptation in the first place. You may love that person or care for that person, but if that relationship is unhealthy then we need to set up healthy boundaries to prevent the sin from happening again. Just because we are called to forgive does not mean we don’t hold the other person accountable and it does mean we need to create whatever kind of boundaries that benefit everyone the most.

I was listening to the Bible Project podcast on the Sermon on the Mount where the Lord’s Prayer talks about forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us. Toward the end of the podcast Tim Mackie, one of the co-hosts shared the story about the gunman who entered the Bible Study in the church in Charleston back in 2015. While this is an extreme example it is a powerful one. The judge allowed the family of the victims to speak at one point, and many of those who spoke forgave the man who killed their loved ones. One woman said, “I forgive, because God forgave me.” This is the most radical form of forgiveness that we can see in our world today. At the same time, the people who forgave him also recognized that he needed to be held accountable for his actions. Forgiveness and accountability, creating healthy boundaries for someone who had brought so much hurt into the lives of the people. In an interview I watched after I heard the Bible Project talk about this radical forgiveness, the pastor of the church ended up forgiving the man because his wife was killed that night. He wasn’t planning on speaking, he said, but that God came to him and told him to forgive. He forgave the man and he said that the burden he had been carrying for so long was lifted right away. God took away the burden of holding onto everything for so long. Forgiveness heals. And if Jesus can forgive from the cross to those who put him there, should we not work, like these incredible Christians of Charleston, to forgive those who wrong us, to bring more healing into this broken world?

This is one of the ways that we honor the command to love God, ourselves, and our neighbors, we forgive in ways that create a healthy environment for everyone. When I love God and myself then I will forgive and treat my neighbor in the best possible way that I can and see them the way that God sees them. The sin and the hurt comes from someone who, for whatever reason, isn’t able to live into the command to love God, ourselves, and our neighbors. The more that we live out healthy ways to be a follower of Christ the more others will see, and hopefully in seeing they too will learn good ways to live in right relationship with God and with each other. And know that just as the pastor said in that church, that forgiveness has the power to heal, it can heal the person asking for forgiveness, it can heal the person being forgiven, because it allow us to give our cares to God, to fully trust that God takes our burdens, whatever they may be and brings life out of it. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Forgiveness brings us one step closer to loving our neighbors the way that God loves and foorgives us. Amen.