Learn to Forgive

Intro

For the past few weeks we have been looking at how to resolve conflict God’s way. The more I read Scripture, the more I find that God desires to change me. It’s not what God wants to change me into, but rather who. We are called to look, think, speak, and act more like Jesus every day. This includes how we handle conflict. If we are handling conflict any other way than the way the Bible teaches us, we are handling it in the flesh.

Today I want to dive deeper into one of the most difficult parts of conflict resolution.

Learn to Forgive

Just like every other characteristic of Christ that we are to follow, forgiving does not come naturally. But it can be and must be learned.

In Ephesians chapter 4, Paul brings up unity in the church. He speaks about leaving room for the faults of brothers and sisters in Christ. He shares how the world handles conflict and he ends it with another way.

Ephesians 4:32 NLT

32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

There will never be unity in the house of God unless the church learns to forgive one another.

What it is Not

There is some misconceptions as to what forgiveness is. Before we learn how to forgive, I want to share with you three things forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is NOT a feeling

Just as other areas of our walk with Jesus, our feelings are not the fuel we are to run on or be led by. Your feelings come and go. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong. We are to be led by truth.

You may have forgiven someone, but you don’t feel like you have. The ability to forgive has nothing to do with your feelings. That is like saying, “I don’t feel saved today.” Your feelings can lie to you. We live in a culture that thrives on how they feel. They are led by their feelings rather than truth.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting

I have heard people say, “Forgive and forget.” Nobody just forgets a painful event. It was real. It hurt. It happened.

You were abused as a child. What they said did hurt your feelings. The words they spoke about you to others did cause heartache. The boiling hot water did burn when grandma threw it at you. You felt it. It was real!

Sometimes the things we go through are so painful we will remember it until the day we day. But here is the truth…just because it was painful then, doesn’t mean your pain has to be your present reality. There is healing that can take place with authentic forgiveness.

Forgiveness is NOT excusing

When you forgive someone it does not excuse the other persons actions. It does not give them a free pass for what they did. They did it.

Here is why I think it is hard for people to forgive.

I believe each and every person who is created by God has a built in sense for justice. We desire for justice to be served. We have that in us because we are created in the image of God…who happens to be a just God.

The issue is our justice is corrupt. Our justice is not perfect. But God’s is. His justice is fair and perfect.

Here is what we need to know right up front about forgiveness. I am not going to pretend it is easy to do…those things I shared a moment ago about the abuse, boiling water, ect….those things happened to me. But I learned to forgive and I don’t walk in the pain of those moments today.

Forgiving is one of the hardest thing that a Christian can do and yet it is a requirement of God that we forgive. It is so much a requirement that Jesus Himself said,

Matthew 6:15 NLT

15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Jesus makes a few “if” statements in during His time here. He says, “If you want to be my disciple you must pick up your cross daily”. It is no different here.

If you refuse to forgive.

In other words Jesus is saying it is our CHOICE whether or not to forgive someone. Jesus will not give us something to do that we cannot accomplish. Through Him we are more than able to forgive those who sin against us.

If you claim to follow Jesus…forgiveness must be practiced and evident in your life.

No Forgiveness, no Reconciliation

We are talking about reconciling with other believers God’s way. Here is what we need to know about forgiveness and reconciliation.

Biblical reconciliation CANNOT happen without forgiveness

As followers of Christ reconciling is the goal.

Reconciling should ALWAYS be the goal of Christ followers

Remember, we are given the ministry of reconciliation.

But what happens if the other party doesn’t want to reconcile? Do I still have to forgive?

Yes! There is no loophole. There is no wiggle room for unforgiveness.

While reconciliation requires forgiveness, forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation. You can still forgive even if reconciliation doesn’t take place.

To reconcile both parties must be willing to do so.

Forgiveness however, is unilateral. Reconciliation is not required before you forgive someone.

Forgiveness is NOT for the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you. Therefore forgiveness only requires one person.

Jesus said this,

Luke 6:37 NLT

37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.

Paul echos the words of Jesus in

Colossians 3:13 NLT

13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

You can forgive someone even if:

They never apologize.

They never admit they were wrong.

They never change.

They refuse any relationship with you.

They have died.

Years ago in our home church there was man who was old enough to be my dad. He harbored unforgiveness towards his dad for his whole life. It turned him bitter not only towards his dad, but towards others too.

We were in the church basement having a study on forgiveness and he shared his bitterness towards his father. His father had passed away years prior and we told him you can still forgive. Right then and there he forgave his dad and he was released from the bitterness.

You see, forgiveness is an act of obedience before God, its a choice. When you forgive it releases your right to revenge, judgement, and entrusts justice to God.

Romans 12:19 NLT

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.

When you forgive, you are allowing God to do His job. He sees all. He knows all. And believe me...no one will get away with the wrong they did to you.

The question is, do you trust God enough to do His part?

Forgiving someone, especially if they have caused a deep hurt, is about releasing your grip of offense. Not excusing what they did or pretending it didn’t happen, but choosing to let go of the debt you feel they owe you.

In order to do this type of forgiving, one must draw this ability from Christ. You cannot do this in and of yourself.

Author Mark R. McMinn writes this:

“Christian forgiveness draws its power from Christ’s redemptive work and becomes a character quality rather than merely an act of willpower.” - Mark R. McMinn

You cannot forgive others on your own. It is when we truly understand the redemptive work of the cross that we can forgive those who sin against us.

Redemptive Work of Christ

Understanding the redemptive work of Christ will help you to forgive even those who caused the most pain in your life.

Develop Empathy

Empathy is stepping into someone else’s shoes. It’s the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.

You have to develop the capacity to empathize with the offender.

Jesus did this.

Hebrews 4:15 NASB95

15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

Jesus Himself demonstrated deep empathy and compassion for humanity. He shared in human grief, feeling physical and emotional distress alongside people.

This goes completely against our nature. It is supposed to. As followers of Christ we receive a new nature. A spiritual nature. A Jesus nature.

Because of what Christ did on the cross you are now able to step outside of yourself and realize the humanity of the person who hurt you.

You are not minimizing the offense; you are extending the same grace to others that you hope others will extend to you. More importantly, you are extending the same GRACE that God Himself extended to you. While you we were yet sinners, while you offended God, while you were an enemy of God, Christ died for you.

Understanding this will help you become less offended by things and people in this world.

Address Internal Barriers

There are internal barriers you must address.

Dr. Graybill says this about these internal barriers.

“Forgiveness is an act of faith. It is a decision to trust God. You trust him to do what is just.” - Dr. Bill Graybill

Trusting God to do what is just is addressing the internal barriers. The internal barriers of bitterness, anger, and hostility must be released to God.

We talk often about bringing your emotions to God. Allowing God to speak to your emotions. They are real. They are valid. But they must come under the blood of Jesus.

Only Jesus can replace those ill will emotions with kindness, gentleness, peace, patience, love...all are fruit of the Spirit!

Disciples of Jesus are to be known for their love toward one another. Hard to show love when you are holding onto something someone did. Hard to love someone when you refuse to forgive them.

Paul says,

Ephesians 4:31–32 NLT

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

When we address these internal barriers, we are telling God - “God, I trust you and your righteous judgement for those who hurt me.”

Now be ready…God just may show them grace and not do to them what your unrighteous heart wants Him to do.

Maybe this is why we don’t turn it over to God. Because we know how good, just, and gracious our God is. If this is what we believe, then we should model this in our lives as well.

Third,

Forgiveness is an ongoing process

Remember forgiveness is a choice. Sometimes, it takes awhile. Sometimes you may see that person in the aisle of the grocery store and all those feelings come back up that you thought you gave to God. Now you are emotional again.

What do you do? Stop feeding the bird.

The phrase Jesus used when He said to forgive others means to “send away”. I love the illustration that Dr. Graybill gives about releasing those who hurt you.

Imagine holding a bird in your hands. Now take that bird and reach up towards the sky and open your hands and allow the bird to fly away. That is a representation of forgiving someone. We are releasing them to God.

But what if that bird is a homing pigeon and it comes back? Like when you walk into the grocery store and you run into that person again. It will happen. When it does, you don’t have to feed it.

Don’t dwell on what they said or did. Starve it. The enemy wants you to feed the bird. The more you feed the bird the bigger it gets and soon it will be big enough to pick you up and carry you away from where God is taking you.

Send that bird away every time it comes back. Practice what the Scriptures say.

2 Corinthians 10:4–5 NASB95

4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,

Stop feeding the bird!

Lastly,

Prayer is a MUST

Without prayer, you are trying to forgive in your own abilities. Without the POWER of God, you are powerless.

You cannot truly forgive unless you are in prayer.

Mark 11:25 NLT

25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

Have you ever began to pray and all of a sudden someones name pops up that you have issues with? You ever ignore that name and just move on with your prayer?

That is not a coincidence. That is the Holy Spirit tugging at you and saying, “Hey, we need to deal with this.”

I have found that often when I pray for those who have hurt me that God does something in me more so than in the other person. When I pray I am getting God’s perspective. I am getting His thoughts. His opinions. And it changes mine.

Awhile back I was in prayer about someone who I have a difficult time with. The Lord showed me that this person is a Sunflower. Sunflowers always face towards the sun. They follow the sun as the day goes on. They respond to warmth of the sun.

This person is just like that. They are a sunflower and I need to remain warm with love towards them and not harsh or abrasive. God didn’t change them, instead…He changed me.

We still have our bad days now and then, but I go back to what God said. I don’t feed that bird.

Jesus prayed for those who hurt Him. One of the most memorable prayers Jesus ever prayed came from the most excruciating painful places anyone could ever be. The cross.

Luke 23:34 NLT

34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.

Church, it is ONLY through prayer, the POWER of God, and the understanding of the redemptive work of the cross, that we are able to forgive those that know not what they are doing. For if they truly knew, as a follower of Christ they would be heartbroken and fearful of the righteous justice of God.

Closing

Stand with me today.

Maybe there is a name on your heart right now. Maybe there is an offense you have carried for weeks, months, or even years.

Today, Jesus is inviting you to open your hands and release it.

Forgiveness does not say what happened was okay.

Forgiveness says,

“God, I trust You with what happened to me, and I refuse to let this offense control me any longer.”

So stop feeding the bird. Release it again. Give the person, the pain, the anger, and the desire for justice into the hands of God.

And remember why we can forgive: because we have been forgiven. At the cross, Jesus took a debt we could never repay and gave us grace we could never earn. Now He calls us to extend that same grace to others.

As we pray, ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart. If there is someone you need to forgive, don’t wait for the feeling. Make the choice today.

Open your hands before the Lord and say:

“Jesus, because You forgave me, I choose to forgive them. I release them to You. Heal my heart, remove every root of bitterness, and help me walk in the freedom You purchased for me at the cross.”

Church, whom the Son sets free is free indeed. Today, let forgiveness set you free.