Questions about Sex

—raise your hand if needing a handout

Today’s mailbag question involves the topic of sex or sexuality.

and a couple observations about this topic:

I will speak honestly and bluntly from God’s Word but respectfully and graciously. The Bible mentions rated R things but not in a graphic or rated “R” way. That is my goal today as we have kids here, too.

even if you are uncomfortable with this topic, I also know that I need to address this regularly, because all of us are bombarded with messages from culture about sex.

I know this is a sensitive topic—some of us have a complicated relationship with sex for a variety of reasons—maybe abuse or trauma. I am not going to get into abuse or trauma today, but I know that this topic can trigger that, so if you need to step out at any point or disengage, I respect that.

I also know we have singles here, and this is a sensitive topic for them. and I will try my best to honor that reality.

We are in a series called Pastor’s Mailbag, addressing questions and issues, and there are a couple of issues that come up—one all the time, and one more recently. (like AI, money, tithting/giving, and now on sex)

The first issue is this—what pastors call cohabitation. Pastor, is it ok for my partner and I to live together and even sleep together before we are married? Great question. and it affects young couples—I see this all the time, but also every age.

the second issue is this related to that, too- as couples get older, and their spouses die or they get remarried, some are very hesitant to get legally married because...because it will affect their financial situation, their retirement benefits or pension benefits, and so some are wrestling with if they should only be married in God’s eyes but not legally married so that they don’t lose financial benefits—how do we address this? great question

These 2 questions are getting at the heart of what does the Bible say about sex, and what does it say about marriage? They go together.

Let me try to answer it—before we look at God’s Word...

let me zoom out—what does our culture teach us about sex—what are some lessons it teaches - that we see and hear probably all the time:

One writer says it like this (and I have shared this before)

there are at least 3 common messages that culture teaches us:

Culture’s View of Sex:

Sex is an appetite. (it’s like any other bodily appetite or desire)

The Apostle Paul sees this in 1 Corinthians 6:13. Paul is writing to the church in Corinth.

1 Corinthians 6:13 NIV

13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

Paul quotes them saying—well, when we get hungry, we eat. that’s why we have a stomach. I have a food appetite. same is true sexually. when I have a sexual desire, I fulfill it—no matter what. it’s no different than any other desire like food.

sex is just biology and physical.

so our culture is saying, “What’s the big deal?” “It’s just sex.” (and similar with marriage—there is similar thinking—that marriage is just something I can choose to have or not depending on my desire)

now, i think even non-believers are not consistent with this especially with sex...why? we know it’s a big deal.

I have talked with enough people who have slept around, and have found it not fulfilling but harmful, even traumatic.

and we also know as a culture, especially with the me too movement—that sex matters. it is a big deal. it’s more than just bodies and appetites.

even the food analogy is not perfect here—because if you are hungry you can eat—but if you eat a bunch of unhealthy food, junk food, that will harm you. you have to practice eating the right way to be healthy. same with sex.

Sex is about self-expression or you might say self-fulfillment. (and so is marriage) (the key word is self0

this writer says “Sex is a way to be yourself and find yourself.” it’s to develop my own identity. sex is for my expression, and if I don’t express it, if I repress it, it’s unhealthy.

now in response, the Bible would say this is not right and it’s actually dangerous. b/c the problem with the world is our own selfish sinful hearts. instead of sex being used as God wants to glorify Him and encourage your spouse, it’s about me and my needs, and that’s wrong. God gave healthy boundaries around it.

instead of marriage and sex in marriage being about the other person and God, it’s about me, which kills relationships and marriage (and sex).

Sex is dirty.

a lot of people think the church teaches this.

“sex is only necessary for having children. but we don’t think about it or talk about it.”

and some of you may have grown up in this teaching in a church or been taught this by your Christian parents.

or you have faced traumatic experiences or abuse and think sex is horrible, evil, manipulative, it’s about control.

as you look at these 3 common teachings about sex in our culture—which one have you seen or heard or been influecned by the most? or is there another one?

but let’s think about sex (and now marriage too)

what does the Bible say?

God’s View of Sex and Marriage

God created sex and marriage.

In Genesis 2:18—after God made Adam and declared everything good. no sin in the world. He says it’s not good that man is alone. so he causes the man to go into sleep, and creates Eve, the first woman, from his side.

and God brings Eve to the man, Adam.

And Adam says this:

Genesis 2:23–24 NIV

23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:25 NIV

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

God uses that account, to zoom out and show that what is going on with Adam and Eve—is a pattern for all marriages. Adam and Eve didn’t have parents...but every marriage relationship going forward is reminded of this.

every marriage points back to Adam and Eve—where a couple leaves their family of origin, and creates a new family. and it’s such a close relationship that they become one flesh (more on that later)

2. (Because God created sex and marriage), sex and marriage are good!

so it’s not dirty—

and contrary to popular culture that sees marriage sometimes so negatively, it’s positive.

going back to sex....

It’s remarkable that we have an entire book in our Bible call Song of Solomon—it’s a song, a love song between 1 man and 1 woman. let me read just a little bit, and I will try to do this without blushing:

this is the woman talking to the man, her lover, describing him:

Song of Solomon 5:10–13 NIV

10 My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. 11 His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. 12 His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. 13 His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.

vs. 14 - starts describing his abdomen

and on and on she goes.

one scholar says “the role of the woman throughout Song of Solomon is truly astounding (women - 2nd class), especially in light of its ancient origins. It is the woman, not the man, who is the dominant voice throughout this book. she is the one who seeks, pursues, initiates....

The Hebrew language here is quite erotic, and most translators cannot bring themselves to bring out the obvious meaning...this is a prelude to their love-making.”

in other words, the culture around us has got nothing on our God and His positive view of sex. Look to Him for it and His design. celebrate it.

3. God’s boundaries for sex: 1 man and 1 woman in marriage. (Heb. 13:4)

God gives us boundaries for our good...and His glory.

we think boundaries are limiting, and true freedom is doing what we want...but that’s not true.

sex is not just appetite—we can’t just fulfill it every time we have a sexual desire—that’s harmful! but it’s to be used in God’s proper boundaries and place.

sometimes along with this I hear people say “The Bible doesn’t say you can’t sleep together before marriage, or as long as I am committed to the other person, that’s what matters.”

if I were to go to one verse to counter act that:

Hebrews 13:4 NIV

4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

marriage bed—kept pure. it commands that sex should only happen in the context of marriage.

and if we are not sure—back to Genesis 2:24

Genesis 2:24 NIV

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

that language of one flesh...that is describing sex— flesh is a figure of speech—a part that describes the whole. when a married couple engages in sex—there is the physical—but it’s mean to point to a great unity—emotionally, relationally, spiritually, covenant ally… that word united means to make a binding covenant or contract. the husband and wife in marriage (and sex) merge into a single unit—which is also legal, social, economic unit at the time.

go to 1 Corinthians 6:15-17

1 Corinthians 6:15–17 NIV

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Paul is saying, even if you have a one night stand with a prostitute (it’s all about physical)—you are becoming one flesh with that prostitute. you are acting out what God showed Adam and Eve as husband and wife to have in the garden. and that is wrong; that is sinful-that is not God’s design.

so to quote one author: the Bible says don’t unite with someone physically or sexually unless you are willing to unite with that person emotionally, personally, socially, economically, and legally. don’t become physically naked and vulnerable to the other person without becoming vulnerable in every other way.

4. Sex in marriage is about your spouse more than you. (in other words, it’s a way to bless and serve your spouse)

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 NIV

3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Paul was addressing real life. I have heard from some of you this is one of your biggest complaints in marriage—why doesn’t my spouse ever want to have sex?

but sex is not about me or you, but it’s about your spouse. Your body doesn’t belong to you - is to be used to encourage your spouse. you shouldn’t withhold sex but you also shouldn’t force sex, but you use it to serve. and ultimately this brings God glory.

so couples always want to know—Pastor, how much sex should we be having...I don’t have a great answer—the Bible doesn’t give a # of times per week or month...

so if a husband and wife have the mindset that sex (and marriage) is not ultimately about me—but about the other person

Yes—it is true that sex is only for marriage, but it’s also true that in a marriage, a husband and wife must engage in sex as a means of what theologians call covenant renewal. it is a way of maintaining and deepening your marital union as the years go by.

in the OT, God had covenant renewal ceremonies with his people, celebrations to remind them of His commitment ot them.

it is the same within marriage on author says. when you get married, you make a marriage covenant. that wedding day is so great—as the bride comes down the aisle, the groom starts crying, I start crying if I am officiating wedding...but as time goes on, you need to keep renewing that commitment.

Sex is a God-given way within a marriage to do that.

Tim Keller says: Indeed, sex is perhaps the most powerful God-created way to help you give your entire self to another human being. Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, “I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.” You must not use sex to say anything less.

Keller, Timothy; Keller, Kathy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (pp. 223-224). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

5. Sex and marriage are designed to glorify God.

1 Corinthians 6:17 NIV

17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

somehow sex is meant to show us intimacy and union in 2 ways with God

1 - the intimacy and union the Trinity has (which we can’t understand) (Father-Son—Holy Spirit)

2—the intimacy and union we are to have with Jesus—not sexually, but it’s a hint that we are married to Jesus, and we need to have an intimacy with him that is more satisfying than any sexual relationship can. it points to the intimacy even that the Trinity has within itself (that’s mind-boggling)

marriage, too, (Just read Ephesians 5:21-33) shows that a husband is to be the leader in marriage. as he lays down his life for his wife, he reminds the world of Jesus laying down his life for his wife—the church, and as the wife follows the husband’s leadership, she is pointing to the world’s

so with all that in mind, let’s....

so going back to living together before marriage...

if this is truly what the Bible teaches—that sex is reserved for a married couple—a couple who have covenanted themselves to each other before God, others, and legally...1 man and 1 woman...then I believe it is wrong for a couple to live together and sleep together before marriage.

and let me say this...I am very sympathetic towards couples.

because often, a couple will say, “it makes more financial sense to live together.”

our culture would say, “It only makes sense to test for compatilibity”

“it’s our dress rehearsal before the performance.” “it’s common!”

according to a recent Barna poll, 65% of American adults believe cohabitation is a good idea.

I am very sympathetic with all those ideas.

but if we really believe that sex is reserved between 1 man and 1 woman in the context of marriage...and if we believe that a disciple of Jesus says “yes” to Jesus in every area (our tech, money the last 2 weeks, and now our bodies), then this is not a convenience issue but a discipleship issue.... have to trust that Jesus is good.

Romans 12:1 NIV

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

our bodies—what we do with them or don’t do—is an act of worship. this is a worship issue.

so we should not live together or sleep together before marriage.

but if you don’t believe the Bible—consider this...

but there has also been a lot of research showing that cohabitation is not helpful for couples in the long-term. this is data outside the Bible. God’s rules aren’t to restrict us—but boundaries are healthy and for our good!

listen to this:

One study showed that six years after they started cohabitating, 54 percent of couples had broken up and only 33 percent had married. Even those living together who do get married find it more difficult to keep this commitment compared to those who don’t. Another survey found cohabitating couples who married had a higher likelihood of divorce than those who didn’t.

One scholar says, “By living together already, both parties have likely developed a thought pattern of ‘what if this doesn’t work out,’ thinking [they] could just move out and move on, which can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage.” This is exactly right.

Rather than serving as a rehearsal for marriage, cohabitation builds the wrong habits. Putting physical intimacy before commitment trains your heart to look for an escape hatch when things go bad. But by first making a covenant with vows before God and witnesses, a husband and wife put their commitment before their intimacy. This order frees each spouse to fully trust the other with his or her most vulnerable self (in the sex act) without fear of abandonment. Tim Keller accurately described cohabitation as “one long audition.” Rather than cementing a commitment, living together often leads to relational dysfunction and what researchers call “serial cohabitation.” (https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/living-together-before-marriage-sin/

One female commentator lamented the lack of commitment: “When you are cohabiting with somebody, you are essentially playing the role of a wife for free. . . . Why get married?” Without a covenant, without a promise of “till death do us part,” one cannot know and be fully known by the other. There will be fear of abandonment, a holding back of vulnerability and true intimacy, a sneaking feeling in the back of the mind that your “partner” could simply walk away.

now if you lived together, and then got married, I am not saying your marriage is doomed! I am just giving some raw data.

or if you are living together now, my goal is not to bring condemnation on you—-because here’s the good news...

the beautiful news is we have an amazing God—who has enabled you to be here today. what should you do if you are living together?

if you disagree with me, come talk to me. Let’s get coffee.

but if you do agree..what can you do...

What now?

confess your sin to God—

1 John 1:9 NIV

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

praise the Lord! you can turn to him

2. talk with your partner about radical obedience to Jesus (it’s worth it!) (Luke 9:23-24)

we read earlier

Luke 9:23–24 NIV

23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

what can you do to honor him?

talk to a mentor, pastor, parents, friends you trust. is there a way you can get married sooner (don’t rush it), or does one of you need to move out? it is a sacrifice—yes—but if Jesus is so good, and He knows best—I am trusting Jesus.

3. remember—there is help. The Spirit is with you, guiding you. We can help you—we can walk with you.

if you have lived together and got married, would you be willing to be a mentor couple for those going through this and talking to them about it?

I could say so much more.

let me go to question #2 quickly....related to the 1st question but involved older people...

what about couples, usually elderly couples wishing to marry in the church’s eyes but not legally? this is tricky—because there may be a loss of financial benefits, pension, social security survivor benefits if they legally get married. I am sensitive to this because they want to try to honor God, they want the companionship of marriage without financial penalties. and they want to have a private ceremony where a pastor like me does a spiritual wedding but not legal.

I have wrestled with this SO MUCH the last couple of years. and I have gone back and forth...and other pastors may disagree it.

because I get it—God created marriage, He defines it. His definition matters more than government or legal stuff. but I also know that Romans 13:1 says to submit to the governing authorities. 1 Peter 2 says to honor the Emperor.

our denomination, the Missionary Church, actually says that we as licensed pastors cannot perform these types of weddings.....

Since marriage is a sacred, publicly affirmed covenant, ministers are forbidden to preside over ceremonies in which couples refuse to register with the civil authorities merely for the sake of convenience or financial benefit. They are also forbidden from knowingly officiating at marriages entered into solely for the sake of citizenship or other civil benefits.

One of my mentors in the faith from afar is a man named Hershael York—and I have heard him address this exact question. In his podcast, Pastor Well, episode 128, he addresses this exact question.

it is unfair that couples would lose benefits for getting legally married. that’s too bad—that’s wrong that the system penalizes you for that. it often penalizes the widow and pension benefits—that’s unfair.

however, based on the verses and theology I said...I would encourage you not to live together, not to have sex—not to just be married in God’s eyes—not to separate legal marriage and spiritual commitment.

He says—think of it like this—what if 2 young people came to me and said “Pastor, we believe we are married in God’s eyes, and we think it’s ok to have sex and live together because that’s all that matters and if we get married, we will lose our scholarships.” I would counsel them similarly—because they have financial considerations in view. like an older, retired, widowed couple might.

I really do believe that a legal marriage and a spiritual commitment in marriage...go together.

it is to enter a union in the eyes of everyone...

first of all God

but the eyes of the law

the community

everyone...

it’s above board...it’s very public.

I think the legal part matters—-Romans 13 - submit to the governing authorities.

now, if our country was prohibiting Christians from getting married, persecuting Christians, then maybe there is a time to go against that, but I don’t think that an elderly couple should only get married in God’s eyes and not the law.

I think the right thing is if the couple really feels led to get married, they should do so. I know the financial penalties are stark—I get it, but if I am really led to do this, I can’t put a price tag on that, and if the couple cannot get married legally, they shouldn’t live together or have sex together. and just be friends.

Hershael says this to a couple wanting to do this: “If I were to tell you—I will take care of you if you get legally married. I will make up the difference. I will put my reputation on the line if you will get legally married. would you then get married.” they look stunned and say “If you do this, then yes!”

and then Hershael says “wow...that’s astounding...that you would trust me a simple man but you won’t trust the Lord to make up the difference...”

are we going to trust the Lord or not in this?

I said earlier—that following Jesus....is about saying ‘yes’ to Jesus in everything....my money, my technology use with AI, my sexuality and my body....are we willing to do this....

it’s always worth it to follow Jesus...

...there could be more areas we could have talked about—our thought life and viewing life—pornography...

...other sexual brokenness not mentioned here...

are we going to trust Jesus...that His way is good; he knows what will help me flourish even if it’s challenging and makes me mad at times...

worship song—a time of reflection and giving it all up for Jesus...

this song is about being different for Jesus—giving it all to Jesus

what about marriage:

what if I have not lived this way?