What Conflict Reveals James 4:1-12
Notes
Transcript
Subject - Relationships
Theme - Relational Stewardship
Thesis - Relational conflict reveals selfish desires in our hearts and shows our need for humble submission before God.
Principle: We walk wisely in relationships when we examine our own desires, submit them to God, and approach others with humility.
I want to turn this morning to a book that is considered by some to be the proverbs of the New Testament.
James has a lot of good practical instruction.
James 4 which we will be looking at this morning I would say is probably one of the passages that has had the greatest impact on my life and how I at least attempt to understand myself and relate to others.
Relationships are difficult.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation — maybe with your spouse, a coworker, a friend, even someone in this church — and thought, What just happened?
You replay it in your mind.
You think about what you should have said.
You wonder how things escalated so fast over something that, on the surface, seemed so small.
We've all been there.
And if we're really honest with ourselves, some of us are living there right now.
There's a tension with someone — maybe it's simmering, maybe it's boiling — and we can't quite figure out why it keeps happening.
James, the brother of Jesus, is writing to a church that looks a lot like ours.
He steps right into that tension. and he doesn't start by giving us conflict resolution tips.
He takes us beneath the conflict, all the way down to the war that's happening inside of us.
The subject this morning is relationships.
But the theme — what I want us to walk away with — is this idea of relational stewardship.
That the way we treat one another, the way we handle conflict, the way we speak about each other — it's not just a social issue.
It's a spiritual issue.
It's a matter of how we steward the relationships God has placed in our lives.
The truth is that relational conflict reveals selfish desires in our hearts and shows our need for humble submission before God.
That's not a comfortable idea.
But James doesn't care about our comfort.
He cares about our hearts.
And he cares about our relationships — because they matter to God.
As we look at this passage together this morning, James takes us through four movements.
Each one moving us a little deeper.
I believe what James wants for us to walk away is is the knowledge that: We walk wisely in relationships when we examine our own desires, submit them to God, and approach others with humility.
1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. 11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
Look Beneath the Conflict — James 4:1–3
Look Beneath the Conflict — James 4:1–3
James opens our passage this morning with two deliberate questions.
1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?
We have to remember the context of who James is writing to here.
He is writing to believers.
Christ followers.
These are people in the same church, the same community, and there are fights among them.
There's conflict. There's division.
And James says, You want to know where it comes from? Look inside.
The word he uses for "passions" — is the Greek word that we get our English word "hedonism."
It's pleasure. It's desire. It's the stuff we want.
And James says these desires are at war — its a military term.
There's a battle happening, and it's not just between you and the other person.
It's inside of you.
Every conflict is not our fault, but every conflict with another person goes back to this principle.
James is addressing here the ordinary, everyday conflicts that eat away at our relationships.
Arguments that keep happening.
Tension that never quite goes away.
Distance that grows between people who are supposed to be walking together.
And for those conflicts, James says, the source is often not what we think.
"You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel." (James 4:2)
Look at those words - murder, covet, fight, quarrel.
These are very strong words.
That is because when we use words to tear someone down, it hurts the relationship.
Even to the point of destroying a relationship and most often it is all because you can't get what you want — that's the same heart that leads to murder.
Jesus said the same thing in the Sermon on the Mount.
Anger in the heart is the seed.
The fruit just looks different depending on how far it grows.
James shows the progression of unchecked desire. We want something, we do not get it, frustration grows, and then other people become the problem.
Most of us are not literally murdering someone when we do not get our way, but Jesus taught that anger and contempt come from the same sinful root.
Then James exposes another issue.
"You do not have, because you do not ask." (James 4:2b)
We don't even go to God with it.
We stew. We scheme. We fight.
We never stop and say, God, here's what I want.
Here's what I'm feeling.
Is this from You? Is this for me?
Help me see clearly.
Verse three shows what are heart attitude often is though when we do ask.
"You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." (James 4:3)
The word for "wrongly" in the Greek refers to being bad in a moral sense.
It is praying in a self centered way.
Asking God to change another person when what really needs examined is our own hearts.
What is being exposed in this verse is how we can pray but not be asking for God's will.
Instead it is asking for our will and hoping God will sign off on it.
It is coming to prayer with a verdict already reached and ask God to rubber-stamp it.
James is exposing relational conflict in this passage.
That when we're in conflict with someone — when we're frustrated, when we're angry, when we're hurt — we tend to think the problem is out there.
It's the other person.
It's what they did, what they said, what they didn't do.
But James pulls back the curtain and says, No.
The first place you need to look is beneath the conflict — into your own desires.
Let me attempt to give you a picture of this.
Think about a doctor's visit. You go in and you say, "Doc, my head hurts."
And the doctor could just hand you something for the pain and send you on your way.
But a good doctor says, Why does your head hurt?
Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's dehydration. Maybe it's something deeper.
The headache is the symptom. The doctor's job — and yours — is to find what's underneath.
James is telling us to do that here in our conflicts.
The quarrel is the symptom.
The fight, the tension, the gossip, the cold shoulders — those are symptoms.
And James says the disease is disordered desire.
It's wanting something so badly that other people become either obstacles in your way or tools to get what we want.
You're driving and someone cuts you off, what's the first thing that happens inside you?
It's not just, That was unsafe.
It's, How dare you? You're in my way.
This is my lane. This is my time.
The passion rises. The desire for control, for respect, for things to go the way I want — it surfaces instantly.
And if we are not careful, that small moment becomes a window into something much bigger.
Because the way we respond to the small things often reveals what's ruling our heart in the big things.
And when our desires go unchecked, relationships become casualties.
So ask yourself this questions this morning.
What is the war within you?
If there is conflict in a relationship you have.
What desire — what thing are you chasing, what thing are you gripping — that is driving the conflict in your relationships right now?
Begin by being honest with yourself.
It may be a good thing.
But until you look beneath the conflict, you'll keep treating symptoms and never deal with the source.
Recognize the Deeper Loyalty Problem — James 4:4–6
Recognize the Deeper Loyalty Problem — James 4:4–6
In verses 4 through 6, James shows another aspect.
It is not only disordered desire, there is a loyalty issue at the heart of the conflicts.
4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
Again James uses strong language and remember he is talking to Christians.
You adulterous people!
He is not just talking about marital infidelity.
James is using the language of covenant.
This should bring to mind for us examples from the OT.
Israel was called God's bride, and when she chased after other gods, it was called adultery.
Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and Hosea really show this metaphor.
This adultery metaphor carries heightened theological significance.
Israel’s persistent idolatry throughout the Old Testament era was clearly seen.
The metaphor reflects the intimate nature of Yahweh’s relationship with His people
Here in this letter, James looks at the church and says,
When you live for the world's values — when you adopt the world's way of handling conflict, when you chase the world's prizes — you are cheating on your covenant with God.
The verse ends talking about friendship with the world.
Friendship with the world, an affection, an alliance, an alignment of heart — James says is enmity toward God.
James can’t say it anymore literally.
Being a friend of someone or something is to adopt its or their priorities.
Locally we have the Friends of the Drummond Library.
If you support that or are part of that group, you adopt the priorities they have.
Friends of the Bitterroot - Wild Swan etc.
As we come to verse 5, we find a verse that scholars have debated for centuries.
The issue primarily comes over the exact wording, it is difficult to translate, and as such it is debated which OT reference James has in mind.
Some translations (KJV, NIV) translate the verse as “The spirit which He has made to dwell in us lusts with envy,” warning against the human tendency toward envious desire.
Others read “He [God] jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us,” with some interpreters taking “spirit” to refer to the human spirit rather than the Holy Spirit, thereby emphasizing God’s holy jealousy for His people.
This second reading I believe flows naturally from verse 4’s warning against spiritual adultery, making verse 5 a reference to God’s holy jealousy as our Husband, yearning for our faithfulness.
The OT doesn’t have a specific verse stating this but rather James is likely referring generally to the many Old Testament references to God’s jealousy for undivided devotion from His people.
The key is that God wants our hearts, and he wants all of our heart, not a part here and a part there.
And because of that love and desire of us, James goes on in verse 6
6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Even when we've been chasing the wrong things.
Even when our desires have been out of order.
Even when we've been more loyal to the world than to our Savior.
He gives more grace.
It’s hard for us to believe because we would never act that way.
After the selfishness, the conflict, the misplaced loyalties — God doesn't just walk away.
He gives more grace.
But notice the condition: grace is given to the humble.
Not to the proud. Not to the person who has it all figured out.
Not to the person who walks into every conflict certain that they're right.
To the humble.
To the person who can say, God, I don't have this figured out.
My desires are out of order.
My loyalties are divided. I need Your grace.
If we were to ask ourselves a questions from this we would need to ask ourselves
Where does my deeper loyalty lie?
When conflict comes — when relationships get hard — whose playbook am I following?
The world's or God's?
Because the world says protect yourself, win the argument, control the narrative.
But God says, Humble yourself.
And I will give you more grace than you know what to do with.
Which leads us into verses 7-10
Humble Yourself Before God — James 4:7–10
Humble Yourself Before God — James 4:7–10
James has taken us beneath the conflict.
He's exposed the loyalty problem.
Now he gives us the response — and it comes in a rapid-fire series of commands.
Eight imperatives in four verses.
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Any conflict we have with another person, the solution must first begin with God.
The first imperative explains the relationship we have with God.
Most translations say submit to God
Another says be subject to God.
This is another military term.
It means to rank yourself under God's authority.
To be subordinate to God’s authority.
Put yourself under His Word, His way, His leadership.
Doing so will allow you to do the next imperative resist the devil.
There is a promise that comes with that one, he will flee.
There is a real spiritual battle involved here.
The devil does not need to create every selfish desire in us, but he is certainly willing to use pride, resentment, jealousy, and division.
The devil's strategy in your relationships is to divide, to accuse, to stir up bitterness.
When you submit to God and resist him, he runs.
The next imperative command is draw near to God.
And here's the another promise — He will draw near to you.
That's the intimacy of God.
That's the heart of the Father.
You take one step toward Him, and He meets you there. This is what He does.
This is who He is.
Next James says to cleanse your hands.
This is not like go the the bathroom and wash your hands.
Though some of you boys probably should!
Hands point to what we do.
What we do should fall under the submission to God.
James takes it a step further though and also says to purify your hearts.
That's the inward posture.
Deal with the double-mindedness — the divided loyalty we just talked about.
But they go hand in hand.
It is possible to stop an action without dealing with the desire beneath it.
It is also possible to feel sorry internally without changing what we are doing.
In verses 9-10, James is speaking to the seriousness of sin.
9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
James is not saying that Christians should never laugh or never be joyful.
He's saying that when sin has taken root — when your relationships are fractured because of your own selfishness — don't laugh it off.
Don't treat it lightly. Grieve over it.
Let it break you.
Mourn over what sin has done to your relationships.
When we do all of these things we are humbling ourselves in the sight of the Lord.
When we repent, He will exalt.
That's the pattern of the gospel.
We can’t exalt ourselves.
We humble ourselves, and God — the only one who has the right to lift anyone up — He does the lifting.
This is where stewardship in our relationships begins.
It begins with humility before God.
Because until you deal with Him, you can't deal with anyone else.
Stop Taking God’s Seat in Your Relationships — James 4:11–12
Stop Taking God’s Seat in Your Relationships — James 4:11–12
James closes this section with practical application about how we treat and speak to one another.
This next imperative command is to not speak evil against one another.
Another way we could translate this is don’t speak down to one another or about one another.
It involves as well though tearing down another persons character or reputation.
James is referencing the kind of speech that assumes the worst and treats another person as though we are in the position of judgment over them.
This sort of speech can look like tearing another person down.
Talking about them behind their back.
Assuming the worst about their motives, when you sit in judgment over their life —
What a person that does that is doing this is stepping into a seat that doesn't belong to them.
There is only one lawgiver, only one judge, and we are not Him.
James is not saying Christians can never make moral judgments.
Scripture requires discernment.
We are called to recognize sin, pursue truth, and sometimes confront one another.
The issue is how we do it.
Picture with me again a courtroom setting.
The issue is the posture we take while doing it.
There is a difference between helping someone remove a splinter and standing over them as though we have no plank of our own.
In our culture today, verse 12 has become weaponized against Christian morality.
It is used by some as an absolute prohibition against all forms of discernment or accountability.
People invoke the verse to shut down any critical conversation, treating it as a blanket ban on evaluation.
That interpretation completely misses James’s actual concern.
James declares that God alone holds the authority of lawgiver and judge, then asks pointedly, “who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:12)
The key is understanding what kind of judging James condemns.
The problem involves speaking poorly of another Christian.
Deciding that I am always right and the other wrong, assuming the role of a courtroom judge.
The picture of this in a courtroom would be a person having a valid complaint against another, but then bringing the complaint and taking the seat of the judge.
Criticizing others is dangerous because what often happens is the critic exalts themselves even over God.
James is not calling believers never to judge in the sense of analyzing others’ behavior and beliefs, or refusing to take corrective action.
Rather it is not being characterized by a judgmental spirit.
God has delegated judging responsibility to human governments for civil acts, to church elders for conduct, and to parents for their children’s behavior.
Christians walking by the Spirit who observe others overtaken by fault should seek to restore them in love.
And what is the key word there?
Love.
That distinction matters.
While the command to love neighbors prohibits slander, Leviticus also calls for frank rebuke of a truly erring sinner, done with enough love that we could imagine accepting similar treatment ourselves.
The real problem isn’t handling extreme cases but finding fault in grayer areas—judging motives, financial choices, or parenting decisions.
Correct application of James 4:12 targets a critical spirit, not discernment itself.
In conflict, we often act as though our interpretation is complete.
We know why they said it.
We know what they meant.
We know what kind of person they are.
But we usually know much less than we think.
Relational humility means we deal honestly with sin without pretending to be God.
It means we confront when necessary, forgive when wronged, and examine ourselves before condemning someone else.
We are not called to ignore truth.
We are called to remember our place.
Conclusion
Conclusion
James has taken us on a journey — from the surface of our conflicts all the way down to the posture of our hearts.
And the path runs through four stops:
Look beneath the conflict.
Your quarrels are symptoms.
The real issue is the war within — the desires that are out of order.
Recognize the deeper loyalty problem.
When we live for the world's values, we drift from God.
But He gives more grace to the humble.
Humble yourself before God.
Submit. Resist. Draw near. Cleanse. Purify. Grieve.
And let God do the exalting.
Stop taking God's seat.
We are not the lawgiver. We are not the judge.
Let God be God in your relationships.
I know that some of you walked in here this morning carrying a conflict.
Maybe it's with your spouse.
Maybe it's with someone in this church.
Maybe it's with a friend or a family member.
And you've been trying to fix it — or maybe you've been avoiding it altogether.
James says the answer isn't out there.
It's in here.
It's in the posture of your heart before God.
I want to challenge each of us this morning.
Before you try to fix that relationship, before you have that conversation, before you send that text — humble yourself before the Lord.
Ask Him to show you what's really going on beneath the conflict.
Ask Him to expose the desires that are out of order.
Ask Him to reveal where your loyalties have drifted.
And then let Him do what only He can do.
Being good stewards of our relationships is not a technique to learn.
It's a posture.
It's a life lived under the authority of the One who is able to save and to destroy —
and who, in His incredible grace, chooses to save you and me.
The question that we need to ask ourselves is: Will we trust Him with the path?
Will we trust that His way — the way of humility, the way of grace, the way of surrender — is better than our way?
Let that sink in for a moment.
The principle is this: We walk wisely in relationships when we examine our own desires, submit them to God, and approach others with humility.
Not because we are worthy, but because Jesus is worthy.
Lord Jesus, work in our hearts, work in our lives.
Father, help us to grow — first and foremost, grow us in our relationship with you. And from that relationship, help us to steward well the relationships you've given us. We pray these things in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen.
