Church Hurt

We are in a series called Pastor’s Mailbag, addressing different themes from the tech world like Artificial intelligence to money, giving, and even sex last week.

Today’s topic is all about relationships we have at church, and particularly the topic of what we now call church hurt.

and I first want to say that if you have experienced church hurt (I will define it in a moment), I am sorry that you have. I know church hurt is a painful wound and experience. can feel shocking, even traumatic, depending on the level of hurt.

Let me try to define church hurt...because if I had time to pass the microphone around and say “Have you ever been hurt by the church—either the people, its leaders, or institution overall...” I think all of us or most of us would have a story to share.

so let me try to give a basic definition of church hurt:

church hurt is when you have been:

sinned against (and/or neglected)

neglected (and/or)

let down by other Christians or leaders within a church family

some theologians use the distinction sins of commission or sins of omission.

I think that’s helpful in this conversation. commission - something has been done to you or against you by the church as a people or institution. People slandered you, gossiped about you, attacked your character or reputation. or really traumatic, assaulted or abused you.

or it could be omission, someone failed to do something; maybe you missed several weeks in a row and no one said anything or checked in on you. or someone failed to meet an expectation—you poured your life into someone at church, and they did not reciprocate.

and church hurt can feel especially painful...if someone randomly hurts you, that’s bad enough, but this is the church.

The church is God’s family—brothers and sisters in Christ who are under the Lordship of Jesus. they are a community who has made this covenant together to grow and be with Jesus, become more like Him, and do as He did and engage in mission together. we gather weekly to encounter Jesus together, to live out the one another passages—one anothering. to worship, grow, serve, connect, and reach.

so we have HIGH EXPECTATIONS of the church, and rightfully so.

so this feels especially egregious when someone at church hurts you or fails to meet an expectation.

This is one of the most common issues I see in our church. You reach out and are hurt by someone or a leader or even me in the church.

I also know that pastors experience church hurt. I have several friends I went to Bible college and seminary with who trained to be pastors, but are no longer in ministry because of being hurt by their congregation.

When I think about my life, if I am honest, there are times I feel like Moses in the OT when it comes to leading the church. “Lord send someone else. this is more than I can bear.” “Give me an easier job where I don’t have to work with people.”

so what do we do? How do we handle church hurt?

I know I will not be able to solve it, but I want to address it, and bring it to light to start the process of healing in our lives.

(pray with me?)

How do we handle Church hurt?

Know it is a reality as a follower of Jesus.

churches are messy because they are made up of people.

I was recently reading in 2 Timothy. the Apostle Paul is in prison for following Jesus. He is writing to his young protege and mentee, a pastor who is leading a church. and look at how Paul talks about the realities of relationships.

2 Timothy 4:9–16 NIV

9 Do your best to come to me quickly, 10 for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, and Titus to Dalmatia. 11 Only Luke is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry. 12 I sent Tychicus to Ephesus. 13 When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, and my scrolls, especially the parchments. 14 Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. 15 You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message. 16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.

some joys and victories with people...but also tough realities Paul faced. “nobody showed up for me! nobody visited me in prison! people deserted me.” If you think anybody would show up, it would be for the great Apostle Paul.

(their prison system was different)

if you turn to Acts 15:36-41

Acts 15:36–41 NIV

36 Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. 39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. 41 He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

Paul and Barnabas—2 giants in the Christian church community, couldn’t get along about John Mark.

Who was right? Both seem to have valid points.

Paul, “we can’t trust him or rely on him.”

Barnabas, “Give him another chance.”

how did John Mark feel—did he feel church hurt from the great apostle Paul? (could he even read Paul’s letters)

and yet they went their separate ways, and somehow through the mess of that, the Gospel still spread, because we are frail as human beings, but God is not.

The Apostle Paul warned about some pretty deep church hurt.

In Acts 20, when he is saying goodbye to the Elders at Ephesus.

Acts 20:29–31 NIV

29 I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30 Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31 So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.

so first of all know it is a reality.

this is worth talking about

2. Discern what type of hurt you are experiencing. (In other words name it)

I believe there are different types, categories, and even levels of church hurt.

so for instance:

Category #1: Sinned against vs. unmet expectations?

in other words, did someone really sin against me according to God’s Word or did that person or pastor or ministry leader just fail to meet my expectations?

I will talk about the sinned against category in a second, but I believe some church hurt falls into that expectations category...that I expected fellow Christians to be different, or to do this for me, or to reach out to me, but they did not.

or i invested in that person and they didn’t change...

i expected the church or the leadership to do this program I recommended...fill in the blank..

or my expectations were not met.

It’s ok to be disappointed if that happens—acknowledge it—that is real hurt and pain.

We mentioned the Wed. night Ripples group - Emotionally Healthy Relationships.

that group is about growing in our relationships with others under the Lordship of Jesus, and one of the weeks we talk about how to handle assumptions, and how to clarify expectations.

this is something my wife and I had to learn from a counselor—(during a very busy time) - the counselor used the language of “the story I am telling myself is this...” if my wife or I are cold or short with each other, and we have to leave—

Pete Scazzero uses this illustration - “imagine your spouse, who usually calls you while at work, doesn’t call one day. You begin to wonder if your spouse is angry with you. you had an argument recently but thought you had it resolved. you assume the worst.

you stew over your spouses’ immature behavior.

so when your spouse comes home, you choose to give him/her the cold shoulder. your spouse remains at the table doing paperwork, ignoring you. things are worse than you thought!

the truth is...later you learn that they didn’t call because they had an emergency at work. yet you created this big scenario. “the story I am telling myself...”

we do this with church people. “Nobody reached out because they don’t care...” or “that leader must really hate me and favor someone else who is better than me.”

so it’s worth doing some analysis, honestly—am I upset because I was sinned against or someone didn’t meet my expectations.

sometimes you may need a mentor or someone to help you with it.

but if it is sinned against category...

Category #2: Major sin vs. minor sin

all sin is sin—yes!

however, there is a difference

because if it is a minor sin, I don’t think I have to confront it every time.

In fact, the Bible uses this language:

Proverbs 19:11 NIV

11 A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

overlooking an offense...if it is unmet expectations or minor sins, there is a time to overlook it. If you confronted everyone, every time this happened, I don’t think you could keep up, and you will just stew in bitterness.

however, if it is major sin, that’s going to affect the treatment.

because major, egregious, abusive, even traumatic sins, that will be a longer journey and path to healing

some examples:

maybe a leader financially embezzled money in your church or ministry, and it’s hard to trust anyone ever again.

maybe there was a relational and sexual affair among the leaders of a church - “these leaders were not who I thought they were.”

maybe you experienced spiritual abuse from a leader in a class or a pastor. sometimes Christians can over-spiritualize things and justify behavior that is wrong from the Bible. “I am God’s anointed one.”

maybe a leader or a person was domineering and controlling and even manipulative in your life (Rise and Fall of Mars Hill Podcast—Pastor Mark Driscoll whose reels still show up) he was accused by his elders of domineering and controlling leadership and unfortunately he left the church before they could work on it together. and just started a new one in Arizona.

maybe there was physical or sexual abuse....very traumatic things. or emotional abuse.

maybe there was a lot of division in your Bible study or church, sides formed, coalitions formed, gossip and slander...

maybe there was heresy being taught from the pulpit or class and people were being led astray

if it is one of those, your path to healing will take some time.

and you will probably need to see a wise counselor or Christian therapist or mentor who can help you process the hurt over weeks and months

and so discern—what is the type of hurt.

can you name it.

before you can heal, you need the right diagnosis.

and then category #3—as you are experiencing this hurt, remember our spiritual enemy.

Satan knows that Jesus has a big plan for His church. that the church is Jesus’ people He died for, and God wants to display the fullness of His glory through the church!

and so if Satan can get us bitter, angry, divisive, distracted from our mission

in 2 Corinthians 2:10-11, Paul talks about a major church discipline issue of someone who really divided the church but urging forgiveness.

2 Corinthians 2:10–11 NIV

10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

Paul says that Satan can outwit us if we don’t forgive.

3. (Whatever your level of church hurt), bring it honestly and repeatedly to the Lord.

be real and honest with him. He can take it!

look at how King David talks to God:

Psalm 55:12–14 NIV

12 If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. 13 But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, 14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.

that’s some church hurt my man!

Psalm 55:15 NIV

15 Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the realm of the dead, for evil finds lodging among them.

Psalm 55:15 seems shocking that somebody would pray like that - “let death take my enemies by surprise..” to basically pray for my enemy to die.

are we allowed to pray those kinds of prayers? that’s another sermon—

but the key here is that David in Psalm 55, is constantly bringing his pain, emotion, and attention to the Lord. He is seeking the Lord in all the mess and pain of life.

Psalm 55:17 NIV

17 Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.

I think if you are experiencing church hurt, have, bring it to the Lord. name it before Him. Grieve, mourn, wail, lament. bring that pain—and it may take a long time of bringing it to Him, but that matters.

4. (once you have named it) Figure out a plan to address it.

now, again this depends on the type or level of hurt or pain.

Fight the instinct to:

—stuff it - don’t stuff it or just move on—because that pain may resurface in ugly ways in your life.

—Avoid the temptation to just run and flee from it - because it’s awkward. it’s uncomfortable.

—gossip about it—tell everyone else about it except for the people involved

—go crazy on social media....

common ways to address it:

step 1:

first work on forgiving from the heart before the Lord.

Ephesians 4:32 NIV

32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

i have preached a series on forgiveness...and forgiveness is not avoiding the subject, it’s not covering it up; it’s not avoiding consequences. no it is acknowledging you were really hurt. it is acknowledging there may be consequences.

but in my heart—I am absorbing the debt and refusing to make them pay. (because they robbed me of something—and they must pay)

i am taking them off my hook and putting them on God’s hook.

this can take a long time, is a process the more egregious, and you may need a pastor or mentor to walk you through this. but for more minor offenses—we seek to forgive first from the heart because God forgave us.

where would I be if God did not make a way for me to be forgiven? where would I be but on a path to hell, lost in my sins.

step 2:

depending on what it is, you may have to follow the Matthew 18 principle or reconciliation:

Matthew 18:15–17 NIV

15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

—certainly if it’s an egregious sin, or someone committed a crime against you or was violent and abuse—going 1 on 1 is not usually a good idea. These are general principles.

—but for a lot of church family conflict - we start 1 on 1. which I believe if we did this, so much heartache could be spared especially if we did so in love and humbly...

—we bring someone else along—and if it’s especially egregious, public, affecting the entire body, we may have to get the entire church involved.

step 3: reconcile if possible

Matthew 5:23–24 NIV

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

doesn’t mean you have to trust them right away; doesn’t mean you can’t have some boundaries in your life with that person - that would be wise to do that.

so forgiveness from the heart before God

reconciliation with the person (if possible!)

5. if possible, continue to be a part of the local church

certainly there are times to leave a church if it is especially egregious.

but if possible, try to be part of the church or another local church.

why?

—corporate worship is important (in person if possible!)

—praying together is important

—studying God’s Word together is important

we do this, remember that all of us at church are on a journey of becoming more like Jesus.

we do this in humility knowing that yes, I have been hurt, but I can also cause hurt to others.

I go only by the grace of God, and I don’t know where others are at in their journey with Jesus—but all of us have that goal of becoming more like Jesus, showing the fruit of the Spirit.

we are all in process...

I remember when we first planted our church in Lima, Ohio.

some of the people there were not Christians or had first come to Christ, and would sometimes wear shirts with lots of cuss words on it. and this bothered a lot of our older Christians. obviously, we don’t want to see cuss words everywhere, but it was a reminder to me that not everyone here on a Sunday is

—a Christian

—may be new in their faith

—may be falling away

some of the people here who treat you the worst need to be here the most.

we don’t know where everyone is on their spiritual journey.

sometimes when you come to church, you may not feel like talking to someone else, and so you introvert a little more, hide in the balcony, slip in and out, and people can assume - “that person doesn’t care..” when we really don’t know the battle they are fighting. maybe that was a huge victory just to leave the house, to be around people, and try to worship Jesus.

notice, I said if possible. The pain and sin may be too real, too horrible that it only makes sense to break away at least temporarily....

6. remember the Church Hurt Jesus experienced

ushers - passing this out...

and this will take us to communion.

reminder about communion

—anyone who is a believer in Jesus

parents, we leave it up to you

let’s think about Jesus.

Jesus Christ, we believe has always existed as God—with the Father and Holy Spirit.

Through Him, Scripture says all things were created, and through Him all things hold together

Amazingly, we read that God the Father sent Jesus, God the Son, by the Spirit, to take on flesh.

He humbled Himself to become a baby.

and he grew up and came ultimately to die.

John 13:1 NIV

1 It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

that’s remarkable—because Jesus was about to be arrested, beaten, flogged, and killed one of the worst ways to die imaginable.

He did this because He was dying for us, for sinners, who had turned their backs on God. he became sin who knew no sin in our place, so that when we believe in Jesus, we become His righteousness, clothed with Jesus.

and yet think of the level of church hurt, Jesus could have...

the book of John says He came to his own but his own did not receive Him.

he poured into 12 men, his disciples for 3 years...but think of:

—Judas - betrayed with a kiss, the most intimate of gestures—he trusted Judas with the money but he was stealing it—and yet Jesus washed Judas’ feet and died for him.

think of Peter - loud-mouthed Peter, Peter denied him 3x, yet Jesus restored him to ministry.

having loved his own he loved them to the end.

Ephesians says Jesus is going to present the church that’s you and me in glorious splendor

Jesus knows all about church hurt-he is our great high priest who can sympathize with us in our weakness.

and he still stayed and died for his beautiful bride, the church, and even commissioned his church to accomplish his greatest mission!

so 1. would you take a moment now to pray about church hurt — whatever you sense you need to share with Jesus right now

2.

1 Corinthians 11:23–26 NIV

23 For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, 24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” 25 In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” 26 For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

take a moment now to praise Jesus for what He did—that he would do this for us, who have hurt him.

he would go through hurt, to bring healing—and forgiveness first of all with God, our most fundamental need, and also so we can be a community together.

3. take a moment and ask God, what is the next step I need to do in church hurt?

is it minor and I need to overlook an offense?

is it major and I need to meet 1 on 1 with the person who hurt me or talk with a mentor or counselor or pastor about it?

lead us into communion

end with communion...