Forgiveness and Grace

Today we‘re tackling one of the great features of our faith.

Something we touch on at easter but need daily in our walk with Jesus:

Our God is a forgiving God, and we are called to be His forgiving children.

It’s simple to say. It’s costly to live.

As we continue this series, Teach Us to Pray, we come to one of the hardest prayers Jesus ever taught us to pray:

Matthew 6:12 NIV

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Last week we looked at confession

Confession is possible because of Jesus, our mediator.

Healing in our lives from those sins is found when we confess the sin in a trusting community.

Today, in this message, we are going to:

Encounter our forgiving Father, and we are to do the same

Why and how we take the steps to forgive others

And the process of God’s redemptive story

Some of the framework for today's message is from Dr Rob Riemer’s book Soul Care, in his chapter on Forgiveness.

prayer

Our Forgiving Father - We are to do the same

Like last week, as we began to ask Why do we need to confess I want to start with: Why can’t God just forgive sin without Jesus, His Son, dying horribly on a cross? (wasn’t there another way if He is all-powerful?)

This was a great question I had during the week.

The cross is heaven’s answer to a divine dilemma:

How can a holy God take evil seriously while still rescuing the people He loves?

Jesus is not a child sacrifice. He is the willing, rugged, self-giving Son who lays down His life of His own accord.

God’s Justice demands that he takes evil seriously, not wiping it away as though our dark thoughts and cutting words and selfish deeds don’t matter. The whole OT sacrificial system was designed to teach God’s people that sin is costly, that it destroys the people God loves and defaces the creation in which he delights.

God’s holiness means sin matters

God’s love and justice mean He wants to save, not destroy.

He wants to rescue us and save us from death as the wages of our sin.

The cross is where justice and mercy meet.

Jesus is not a passive victim — He chooses the cross.

Wes Huff says “forgiveness is always costly”

Now this is not a perfect example, but we are in the final stages of finishing our extension on our house, and this has triggered, or so we are told, all the illegal work to be corrected on our property, and there are at least 6 different projects to get the house up to standard. Now we didn’t do the crime, and if it was a just world, maybe we could put the cost back on the homeowner who did all that work not to code. But the cost is on us; now we don’t really have a choice, but I also don’t want to be dishonest and pass the cost on to someone else, so we are working through paying the cost.

The Cross makes public the secret cost of sin, condemning evil in the sight of all of history while still securing forgiveness to all who would believe.

Matthew 18:21-35

I believe the king’s anger in this parable is not about the debt — it’s about the disconnect.

Mercy received must become mercy given.

A debt of what would have been 20 years of wages was forgiven by the king, yet he showed no mercy to the next servant who owed 3 months of wages.

When we refuse to forgive, we invite spiritual decay. Unforgiveness is an open door to the enemy.

Forgiving others is vital to our spiritual well-being. Jesus spoke about it often because we often get hurt in relationships.

We get offended at home by our spouse, children, parents, and siblings; we get hurt in the workplace by coworkers, customers, and bosses. We get annoyed with inconsiderate friends and rude neighbours.

Life in a fallen world is full of opportunities for conflict.

Why should we forgive

Some might say, ‘But if you knew what was done to me, you would never ask me to forgive. Why should I forgive this person after what they did to me?

If this is on your mind, please speak with me; you don’t need to carry that pain on your own. God sees you.

We forgive because we are forgiven.

Forgiveness is not pretending the hurt didn’t matter. Forgiveness is releasing the debt so bitterness doesn’t take root.

Because unforgiveness is a corrosive bitterness

Hebrews 12:15 NIV

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Unforgiveness chains you to the wound. Forgiveness chains you to grace.

Forgiving Others

When it comes to forgiving others, Dr. Riemer has 3 practical steps I want to share with you as you work towards forgiving others. And again, they are easy to say but harder to live out.

Step 1: Remember God’s Grace

Start with remembering God’s grace to you.

When you are hurt and struggling with unforgiveness, having that imaginary conversation with the person in your mind, it is time to remember God’s grace.

The unmerciful servant failed to take this step. He was replaying the offenses of his fellow servant and his own losses, but failed to remember the master’s grace to him.

You cannot replay your hurt and remember God’s grace at the same time.

We are to set our hearts on the grace of God, and you will find you know God’s heart for you well when you bring him your own hurt and losses at the hands of others.

When the internal conversations start, pause and return to the grace you’ve received.

Practically, to do this, you may want to listen to music that centres on God’s grace or scripture.

I also find journalling helpful to name the things God has forgiven me for and recall God’s mercy.

Step 2: Take One Step at a Time

Start with obedience: no revenge, no grudge.

Then move to prayer.

Then move to blessing.

Every replay becomes a prompt to pray.

Luke 6:27–28 NIV

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

This has worked for me and is the quickest way to get the devil off your back if every time he tries to stir up pain, you turn it into blessings.

If you do what God asks you to do, He will do what you cannot do — He will change your heart.

Step 3: Don’t Rush to “It’s Fine”

Let me explain this one, because I think this one happens a lot.

It’s when someone hurts us, and because the Christian thing to do is to forgive, the person says sorry, we say it's fine, and we are to move on, right?

I have struggled with this as a reflective person.

Often something will happen, and the moment will pass before I can say how I really feel. I say it is fine, an apology might be given, and we move on, but really I cannot move on because I am not fine.

I think about how those words cut deep.

Often, to forgive deep pain, we need to hear an apology that actually measures up to the pain caused.

Quick apologies often produce shallow forgiveness.

Deep wounds require deep listening.

Sometimes forgiveness requires returning to the conversation so truth can come into the light.

I have often gone to the person who has hurt me days, weeks, or months later, years later, with one person, to say, ‘hey, when we discussed this, that actually cut me deeply; it made me feel devalued’.

Truth is brought into the light

On the other side of that conversation, we are just as likely to hurt others.

If we have caused the offense, we need to be slow to jump to an apology and go to a deeper level of listening.

You may need to ask, ‘Help me understand how that made you feel. Is there anything else you want to say?’

Only when we have come to feel the pain of our offense can we offer an appropriate apology that suits the level of hurt the person is feeling.

This is important for the ...

Process to Redemption

If you are struggling to forgive someone, I hope these steps are helpful.

But I also want to be clear about the difference between Forgiveness and the process of reconciliation.

Forgiveness is a gift we must choose.

Reconciliation is a process.

You can forgive someone before God even if they never repent — even if they have died.

But reconciliation of relationship requires repentance, listening, change, and restored trust.

My Pastoral care course

Domestic violence, Suicide, sexual violence

Marie Fortune — Sexual Violence Is a Sin (last lines of her introduction)

The sinful person strikes out at others in hostility and anger, denying the demands of relationship and violating the personhood of others by treating them as objects or by intentionally inflicting (pain)... and the consequences are suffering for all involved.

Redemption is the healing of this brokenness, which may lead to the renewal of the relationship with God, self, and others. In order for this to take place, the one who causes harm must acknowledge and repent; he or she must make changes that are apparent and genuine, and must make restitution for the suffering caused. When these things are done, a context of justice is created, and forgiveness can follow. Only then can reconciliation become possible.

Forgiveness frees your heart.

Reconciliation restores the relationship — and that requires two willing hearts.

Forgiveness can feel like a process. It can be disheartening when we think we have worked through forgiveness only to feel resentment rise again.

But don’t be discouraged. Keep affirming the decision you have made, and keep praying blessings on the person who has sinned against you. Keep working through the process of forgiveness.

We have touched on some of the reasons it feels like a process is because you are not aware of how deep the hurt goes.

Sometimes it is because you are in a relationship with someone who keeps hurting you, and they aren’t repenting or offering an apology that measures up to the offense.

You need to clearly establish appropriate boundaries. There is a difference between a shield and a boundary.

Dr Riemer says

A shield is something I pick up to protect myself. I can pick up defensiveness, anger, withdrawal, or silence, and I can use that as a shield to keep the offender away from me and protect myself. However, it never protects my dignity or the dignity of the other person.

But a boundary is used to preserve both my dignity and that of the other person. When I put in a healthy boundary, I don’t stoop to the level of someone else's dysfunction, and I call the other person to live at a higher level too, and this preserves the dignity for both of us.

We need boundaries when people are attacking us. But shields are actually dangerous.

Shields protect you from people — but they also block God from healing you.

We need to lay down our defensive shields that are attempts at self-protection and establish healthy boundaries that arise from a desire to preserve the dignity of people for whom Christ died.

Boundaries protect dignity — yours and theirs.

Shields come from fear.

Boundaries come from identity.

I want to encourage you to listen again to what Di shared on this on Aug 16th.

When you know that you are deeply loved by God, you don’t allow people to run over you, but neither do you seek to control others. You treat others with dignity and respect, and you require them to treat you with dignity and respect as well.

As I finish, can I invite you to respond to today's message?

After the service, this space will be for pastoral conversations, prayer, and to simply sit and reflect on the Grace of God.

If this message has stirred something in you today, something has come to mind, or you would like prayer to forgive someone, please hang around here after the service and invite me or someone from our pastoral care team, or someone you trust, to sit with you.

Can I say, in order to get through the process of forgiveness, it helps to grieve the hurts and losses you have suffered. Sometimes we associate grieving with death, but grief is about loss. You need to grieve over your losses in life: loss of relationship, loss of a dream, loss of reputation, loss of opportunity, loss of innocence, loss of love, and loss of a loved one.

If you grieve your losses, you keep your heart from filling with darkness.

Unprocessed hurts produce bitter roots.

And without grieving our losses, it is incredibly hard to work through forgiveness.

(invite up the worship team)

Conclusion

Forgiveness is not easy. It is not quick. And it is not cheap. But it is the way of Jesus — the way of freedom.

Forgiveness is not pretending the hurt didn’t matter.

It is naming the hurt honestly, grieving the loss deeply, and then releasing the debt into the hands of the God who carried your debt to the cross.

Some of you today are carrying wounds that have shaped your life.

Some of you have replayed conversations for years.

Some of you have tried to forgive, only to feel the resentment rise again.

Hear this:

God sees your pain.

God is near to the brokenhearted.

I pray that today you encounter our forgiving Father and choose to forgive.

We have to forgive others and allow healing

So that we may testify to God’s redemptive story in our lives

So today, as we finish, this space is open.

If God has stirred something in you — a memory, a wound, a name — stay.

Sit.

Pray.

Let someone sit with you.

Let grace do its work.

Because when you grieve your losses, your heart stays open to God.

And when you forgive, you step into the freedom Jesus purchased for you.

Forgiveness is costly — but it is the path to life.

And the God who forgave you will walk every step of this journey with you.