Making It Right Without Making It Worse

Have you ever gotten a phone call, looked at the name on the screen, and thought, “I just don’t have it in me tonight”?

And then immediately felt guilty because you thought that?

Or maybe there’s somebody in your family who keeps crossing the same line.

You’ve mentioned it.

You’ve hinted at it.

Maybe you’ve gotten angry about it.

But nothing really changes.

Or maybe the conversation hasn’t even happened yet, but you have already had it fifty times in your head.

Anybody know what I mean?

You’re lying in bed having an argument with somebody who is sound asleep somewhere else.

You already know what they’re going to say.

Then you know what you’re going to say.

Then, in your imaginary conversation, they say something worse.

Now you’re mad at them for something they haven’t even said!

We laugh, but a lot of us live there.

Our minds race.

We rehearse conversations.

We predict reactions.

We try to figure out how to say everything exactly right so nobody gets mad.

Or maybe we go the other direction and imagine exactly how we're going to put somebody in their place.

And that is where relationships, recovery, boundaries, fear, control, and prayer all start running together.

Because one of the things we have to learn as followers of Jesus is this:

I can genuinely care about somebody without becoming responsible for everything happening in their life.

That sounds simple.

Living it is harder.

Some of us grew up in homes where boundaries weren't respected.

Some learned that saying “no” meant you didn't love somebody.

Some learned that keeping everybody happy was the safest way to live.

Some of us became the fixer.

The rescuer.

The peacemaker.

The one everybody calls.

And somewhere along the way, we stopped asking:

“What is God asking me to do?”

And started asking:

“What do I have to do to make everybody okay?”

Those are not the same question.

You are called to love people.

You are not called to become their savior.

Jesus already has that position.

Carry the Burden—But Not the Load

Listen to Galatians 6:2 “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”

That's Christianity.

We don't look at somebody who is hurting and say, “Not my problem.”

We help.

We pray.

We listen.

We sit with people.

We encourage.

We walk with somebody who is weak.

We carry burdens.

But then just a few verses later, Galatians 6:5 “For we are each responsible for our own conduct.”

Wait a minute.

Which one is it?

Do I carry your burden, or do you carry your own load?

The answer is both.

There are things that become too heavy for one person to carry alone.

But there are also responsibilities God has given you that nobody else can faithfully carry for you.

I can encourage your recovery.

I cannot recover for you.

I can tell you the truth.

I cannot make you believe it.

I can pray for your marriage.

I cannot make you treat your spouse correctly.

I can support your sobriety.

I cannot want sobriety more than you do.

I can care about your pain.

I cannot become responsible for regulating every emotion you experience.

That's an important distinction.

Biblical love carries burdens without stealing responsibility.

Sometimes what feels like helping isn't helping anymore.

Sometimes we repeatedly rescue somebody from consequences and then wonder why nothing changes.

Sometimes we're trying so hard to keep somebody else from experiencing discomfort that we interfere with what God may be using to confront them.

And sometimes we need to be honest enough to admit that our helping isn't always motivated by love.

Sometimes I need to be needed.

Sometimes I'm afraid you'll get angry.

Sometimes I'm terrified you'll leave.

Sometimes your disappointment makes me feel like a failure.

And now I'm not just loving you.

I'm trying to manage you.

That's where people-pleasing and control sneak into relationships.

RP’s people-pleasing (codependency) handout asks whether another person’s response has become the most influential factor in determining what we do. That's exactly the issue.

Maybe the most important question isn't:

“Will they be upset with me?”

Maybe the question is:

“Can I faithfully follow Christ even if they are?”

Stay in Your Lane

Let me give you a picture that I hope you remember.

Think about driving down the highway.

You have a lane.

The other person has a lane.

And God is over the whole road.

A lot of relationship trouble happens when I stop driving my lane and start trying to grab somebody else's steering wheel.

Here's what's in my lane:

What I say.

How I say it.

Whether I tell the truth.

Whether I apologize when I'm wrong.

What I agree to participate in.

What I refuse to participate in.

Whether I obey God.

Here's what's in their lane:

How they feel about what I say.

Whether they agree.

Whether they apologize.

Whether they change.

Whether they forgive.

What decision they make afterward.

And then there are things that belong to God.

God changes hearts.

God convicts.

God knows motives.

God knows the future.

God is Judge.

God is Savior.

Here's where this gets tricky.

I say, “I'm only trying to help.”

But sometimes what I really mean is:

“I need you to make the decision I think you should make.”

I say:

“I just want peace.”

But what I really mean is:

“I need you to stop being upset with me so I can feel okay.”

Or:

“I need to make this right.”

But what I really mean is:

“I need you to forgive me right now so I don't have to feel the consequences of what I did.”

Or I say:

“I'm setting a boundary.”

But what I really mean is:

“I'm going to punish you until you behave the way I want.”

See the difference?

Making it right without making it worse means I stay in my lane.(2x)

I take responsibility for what God has put in my hands without trying to control what He hasn't.

Sometimes I need to apologize.

Sometimes I need to stop rescuing.

Sometimes I need to speak.

Sometimes I need to listen.

Sometimes I need to say no.

Sometimes I need to stop explaining myself twenty-seven different ways because I'm hoping explanation number twenty-eight will finally make somebody approve of me.

And sometimes I need to allow another person to be disappointed.

Uncomfortable does not automatically mean wrong.

What Is Mine, Theirs, and God's?

Before a difficult conversation, ask yourself three questions.

1).What is mine?

What do I need to own?

Did I sin?

Did I speak harshly?

Have I been dishonest?

Do I need to apologize?

Do I have a responsibility I've been avoiding?

Is there something I need to say clearly and lovingly?

2). What is theirs?

What am I trying to carry that actually belongs to them?

Their reaction?

Their disappointment?

Their decision?

Their recovery?

Their willingness to forgive?

Their willingness to change?

3). What belongs to God?

Where am I trying to manufacture an outcome only God can produce?

That's where prayer becomes essential.

Before the Hard Conversation

Some of us struggle to pray when our thoughts won't stop.

We think we need to get settled first.

We say, “God, I'm sorry. My mind is everywhere.”

Then we spend ten minutes trying to get calm enough to pray, and by the time we're finally “ready,” we're out of time.

But Hebrews 4:15–16 tells us that Jesus is our great High Priest who understands our weakness, and because of Him we are invited to approach God's throne of grace confidently.

You don't earn access to God by getting your emotions under control.

Jesus Christ is why you have access to God.

Come anxious.

Come confused.

Come angry.

Come afraid.

Come with thoughts running a hundred miles an hour.

But come.

Don't spend all your energy trying to become impressive enough to pray.

Pray what is actually happening.

“God, I'm afraid of this conversation.”

“God, I already have an argument going in my head.”

“Lord, part of me wants to make this right and part of me wants to hurt them back.”

“God, I'm afraid they'll reject me.”

“Lord, I want them to approve of me.”

“God, I'm trying to control how this ends.”

“Show me what belongs to me, and give me the courage to leave the rest with You.”

That's prayer.

Before I have the hard conversation with them, I need to have the honest conversation with God.

Prayer isn't where I convince God to make the conversation go my way.

Prayer is where I surrender my way to God.

Elijah gives us a helpful picture in 1 Kings 19.

He's exhausted.

Afraid.

Overwhelmed.

God doesn't abandon him because he's emotionally depleted.

God cares for him.

God confronts him.

God speaks truth to him.

And God gives him the next faithful step.

Sometimes we're trying to solve tomorrow night's conversation- tonight.

God may simply be asking:

“Will you trust Me enough to take the next faithful step?”

What Does a Boundary Actually Sound Like?

Somebody may be thinking:

“Okay, Jerry, but what do I actually say?”

Let's make this very practical.

Suppose someone frequently calls you in crisis.

You care about them.

You want to help.

But every conversation becomes two hours of you trying to calm them down, solve their problems, and tell them what to do.

Making it worse might sound like:

“You are exhausting. Every time you call, all you do is dump your problems on me.”

Maybe there really is an unhealthy pattern.

But now you've attacked the person.

The other extreme is that you say nothing.

You answer every call.

You become more resentful.

And eventually you explode.

Neither one is healthy.

You could instead say:

“I care about you, and I want to be able to listen well. I don't have the capacity to have this conversation well tonight. Can we talk tomorrow when I can be more present?”

Notice what you didn't say.

You didn't diagnose them.

You didn't tell them what they're allowed to feel.

You told the truth about your availability and your responsibility.

That's a boundary.

And then you have to keep it.

Because a boundary you repeatedly announce but never practice eventually becomes a suggestion.

Here's another example.

Maybe a family member repeatedly does something you've already addressed.

Instead of staying silent for six months until you finally say:

“You have never respected me! You always do whatever you want!”

Get specific.

You might say:

“I need to talk with you about something specific. When ______ happens, it creates a problem, and I need to address it clearly. I want to handle this respectfully, but I also need you to understand what I can and cannot continue participating in.”

Maybe they answer:

“I was only trying to help!”

You don't have to turn it into a courtroom argument over motives.

You can say:

“I understand you may not have intended harm. I'm addressing the behavior and what I need to do going forward.”

There's a principle underneath this:

A biblical boundary primarily governs my participation; it is not a tool for controlling another person.

“I cannot continue this conversation while we're yelling. I'm willing to continue when we can speak respectfully.”

Boundary.

“You better calm down right now!”

Control.

“I will not ride with you if you've been drinking.”

Boundary.

“You have to stop drinking because I said so.”

Control.

“I love you, but I'm not going to lie to cover this up.”

Boundary.

“You have to fix your life immediately so I can stop worrying.”

Control.

Hear the difference?

The boundary governs me.

Control tries to govern you.

And sometimes we've called control “helping” for a long time.

RP’s handout on control warns that our attempts to manage circumstances or people can be driven by fear, anxiety, pride, selfishness, or a belief that we can manage life better than God. (control PDF)

What If They Get Mad?

Now we're at the hard part.

What if you speak respectfully and they still get angry?

What if you apologize and they refuse to forgive?

What if you establish an appropriate limit and they accuse you of being selfish?

What if you stop rescuing somebody and they blame you when consequences come?

Go back to the lanes.

What is mine?

Did I tell the truth?

Did I speak in love?

Did I examine my heart?

Am I willing to admit where I'm wrong?

Am I trying to honor Christ?

Then ask:

What is theirs?

Their reaction.

Their agreement.

Their decision.

Their willingness to change.

Then:

What is God's?

The outcome.

Somebody in this room may need this sentence tonight:

They may be disappointed with me, and I can still obey God.(2x)

That doesn't mean I become cold.

It doesn't mean I quit listening.

It doesn't mean I decide, “I don't care what anybody thinks.”

That's not Christian maturity either.

I'm supposed to be teachable.

I'm supposed to listen.

I'm supposed to examine myself.

I'm supposed to care about people.

Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love.

Truth without love can become cruelty.

But what we sometimes call love without truth is really fear.

Jesus gives us something better.

Grace and truth.

Jesus Didn't Love Us by Enabling Us

And this is where this becomes more than relationship advice.

Jesus doesn't love us by pretending our sin isn't a problem.

He loves us enough to tell us the truth.

The gospel does not say:

“You're fine. Nothing needs to change.”

The gospel says something far better.

We have sinned.

We cannot repair our relationship with God by managing ourselves better.

But God loved us enough to send His Son.

Jesus took our sin upon Himself at the cross.

He rose again.

And now everyone who trusts Him can be forgiven, reconciled to God, and transformed.

Think about that.

Jesus took responsibility for what only He could do.

He did not take responsibility for what God calls us to do in response.

He calls us to repent.

To believe.

To follow.

Christlike love doesn't say, “Whatever keeps you happy.”

Christlike love says:

“I love you enough to want what is true and good before God.”

So biblical boundaries aren't about becoming more self-centered.

They're about becoming more God-centered.

I don't need to make you my savior.

And I don't need to pretend I am yours.

Jesus is enough.

PRAY → OWN → CLARIFY → RELEASE

So let me give you four words to take home.

Maybe write these down.

PRAY

Before you react, bring your heart before God.

“God, show me what's happening inside me before I start talking about what's wrong with them.”

OWN

Take responsibility for your part.

Your words.

Your sin.

Your choices.

Your commitments.

Your attitude.

No blame-shifting.

No excuses.

CLARIFY

Say what needs to be said clearly and lovingly.

Don't hint.

Don't punish.

Don't manipulate.

Don't make somebody guess.

Clear does not have to mean cruel.

RELEASE

Leave their response with them.

Leave the outcome with God.

You don't have to keep reaching across the center line trying to drive everybody else's car.

PRAY. OWN. CLARIFY. RELEASE.

That's what I mean by:

Making it right without making it worse.

Not avoiding hard conversations.

Not winning hard conversations.

Not getting everybody to agree with you.

It's learning how to faithfully follow Jesus inside difficult relationships.

Sometimes the faithful thing is:

“I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

Sometimes it's:

“I need to listen.”

Sometimes:

“No, I can't do that.”

Sometimes:

“I love you, but I cannot participate in this.”

Sometimes:

“I understand you're upset. My answer is still no.”

And sometimes:

“I have done what God has asked me to do here. Now I have to trust Him with what happens next.”

So here's the question tonight:

Whose steering wheel are you trying to hold?

Maybe you've been controlling somebody else's lane.

Maybe you've been refusing to drive your own.

Maybe your mind has been racing because you're trying to solve an outcome that belongs to God.

Bring it to Christ.

Tell the truth.

Own your part.

Be clear.

And trust God with what you cannot control.

Because healthy relationships require me to tell the truth, own what is mine, release what belongs to others, and bring my heart under God before I react.

Let's pray.

3 Key Takeaways

1. Own what is yours. Take responsibility for your words, choices, attitudes, commitments, and sin. Recovery requires responsibility without excuses or blame-shifting.

2. Release what is not yours. You cannot control another person's emotions, decisions, approval, recovery, forgiveness, or reaction.

3. Go to God before you react. Bring your fear, anger, racing thoughts, and desire for control honestly before God, then respond from obedience rather than impulse.

Practical Memory Tool

PRAY → OWN → CLARIFY → RELEASE

PRAY: God, show me my heart. OWN: What belongs to me? CLARIFY: What needs to be said or done? RELEASE: What belongs to them—and what belongs to God?

Before we conclude today's teaching, we don't want to dismiss our online family just yet. We want to invite you to stay with us as we move into our discussion questions.

Thank you for being a part of our Nuts & Bolts Recovery teaching. We pray today's message has encouraged you, strengthened your faith, and equipped you with practical biblical tools for your recovery journey.

Now, let's take a look at today's discussion questions. After we've shared them, we'll dismiss our online family. God bless you, and thank you for joining us today.

Small-Group Questions

When relationships become difficult, which response comes most naturally to you: avoiding, fixing, controlling, people-pleasing, exploding, or something else? What might that response reveal about what is happening in your heart?

Using PRAY → OWN → CLARIFY → RELEASE, what is one faithful next step God may be calling you to take in a difficult relationship?