Relationship Battles

There is a question that quietly sits underneath a lot of our decisions:

What about what I want?

What about what I deserve?

What about whether I get my way?

What about whether they admit I was right?

And if we are honest, sometimes that question gets dressed up in very respectable clothing.

It can sound like conviction.

It can sound like leadership.

It can sound like ambition.

It can sound like defending the truth.

It can even sound like genuine concern for the Church or others.

But underneath it all, sometimes the real question is simply: “What about me?”

Paul gives us a sobering description of what happens when self gets at the center of our life.

Galatians 5:19–21 ESV

19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

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Paul is showing us something important. The flesh isn't merely about the obvious sins that everybody recognizes.

Sometimes the flesh looks like selfish ambition, dissension, division.

When self is at the center, everything becomes about YOU, and we forget how we’re treating the people around us.

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Rivalries: When ambition becomes selfish.

Paul uses the phrase “selfish ambition.” Derived from a word that means a “day laborer”. When we think day laborer we aren’t thinking selfish because I am thinking about a person who is working hard to make a living. But the root word here for “day laborer” implies someone who will do “whatever” they can to make a wage. A strong drive for personal gain without moral inhibitions.

Ambition itself isn't necessarily sinful. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something well. There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow. There is nothing wrong with wanting to serve God effectively. The problem comes when my advancement becomes more important than God's glory and the good of others.

Selfish ambition asks:

“How does this benefit me?”

“Will I get the position?”

“Will they recognize my contribution?”

Selfish ambition is when legitimate ambition gets corrupted. This selfish type of ambition will fracture and consume a community. (Hence: Relationship Battles)

Application:

Church, we have to be careful here. Ambition begins to turn from good to bad when we start concerning ourselves with the following…

Who gets recognized?

Whose idea gets used?

Who gets to lead?

Who gets thanked?

Who gets the attention?

Whose ministry is growing?

Whose church is bigger?

Whose opinion carries the most weight?

Whose way of doing things is better?

And if we're not careful, we can turn the body of Christ into a place where everybody is trying to prove something. But the church isn't supposed to be a competition. We're supposed to be a body. If your hand gets honored, your foot doesn't become jealous… it celebrates. If your eyes are functioning well, your ears don't become bitter…they celebrate.

Every part has a purpose.

1 Corinthians 12:4–6 “4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; 5 and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; 6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.”

1 Corinthians 12:11 “11 All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.”

1 Corinthians 12:26–27 “26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.”

So here's the question:

Can you accept, submit, surrender to the part God has you playing? Purpose God has you fulfilling?

Can I genuinely celebrate what God is doing through someone else?

Can I rejoice when somebody else’s idea gets accepted?

Can I applaud when somebody else's life bears fruit?

If not, you probably are struggling with selfish ambition.

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Dissensions: When selfishness creates camps.

When left unchecked selfish ambition leads to camps or fractures in a groups unity.

Dissension is more than a disagreement. Jesus’ disciples disagreed. Paul and Barnabas had a sharp disagreement. Healthy people disagree. Healthy churches can discuss difficult issues.

Dissensions are when disagreement becomes more important than the relationship. When being right becomes more important than loving. When winning an argument becomes more important than preserving unity. When proving my point becomes more important than seeing the other person.

And so a person sows a little discord, and sows a little discord with the selfish motive of getting their way. Not having the courage to accept that they didn’t get their way. Not having the courage to go elsewhere because their way wasn’t their preferred way. But instead, stays and creates dissension within the church.

Dissensions are when two camps reside in the same body focused on getting their way.

Consider Abraham and Lot. Genesis 13 tells us that their possessions had become so great that the land couldn't adequately support both households.

Their herdsmen began quarreling. There was a potential conflict. Abraham could have said: “I'm the elder. I'm God's chosen man. This is my territory. You need to move.” But Abraham did something remarkable. He gave Lot the choice. He said, in essence: “You choose.” Abraham was willing to surrender his rights for the sake of peace.

Think about that.

Abraham had every opportunity to insist on his position. But he didn't have to win. Why? Because Abraham understood that relationship was more important than possession. Sometimes holiness looks like having the right to demand something—and choosing love instead.

Dissensions is the opposite of sacrificial love.

Dissensions are the fruit of selfish ambition and the refusal to prioritize community unity.

Galatians 5:13–15 “13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.”

Dissension will lead to a community consuming itself.

Titus 3:9–10 “9 But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. 10 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,”

Application:

This relationship battle can be difficult to recognize in ourselves because it often hides behind or mixed in with honorable principles.

We may actually be right.

Our facts may be correct.

Our position may be defensible.

Our assessment may even be accurate.

What do we do with being right? and things don’t go the right way.

But is there ever a time when being right hurts a relationship.

Let’s dig in here for a minute…has anyone said or thought, I told you so? Or has anyone be told, I told you so.

“I love a good I told you so story…you so story.” ???

Date night. Blue Ford Explorer. Previous owner told me. Jessica said didn’t previous owner tell you. Transmission under pressure, leaks fluid. But I had driven it for a few months around town with no problems, so I thought, it could handle the 9000ft climb.

She could have said I told you so….The previous owner could have said, I told you so…God could have said I told you so…

But nobody did. I learned the lesson. Sometimes it is okay to let people make mistakes.

What do we do with being right?

Being right doesn’t give me permission to be cruel. Being right doesn’t give me permission to humiliate someone. Being right doesn’t give me permission to belittle someone. Being right doesn’t give me permission to treat another person as though they are beneath me. And sometimes the spiritually mature question isn’t: “Am I right?” The question is: “How to a love and be right at the same time?”

Dissensions fight to get people to take our side with us. We are willing to retell the story in order to get people to choose sides. As opposed to having differing opinions, but being on same team.

This is why as a church board or a church staff, when we make a decision, we may disagree with the vote, or the reasons for the vote, but once the vote is cast, we move forward together as a team. We can still have our reasons for being for or against something, but we are a unit. We don’t say, I told you so, when things don’t work out. Because we are a team and a body that loves one another.

Dissensions don’t that. Dissensions create camps.

And camps lead to…

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Divisions: When selfishness divides.

If selfish ambition continues unchecked, it turns into dissension. If dissension goes unchecked the camps inside the camp become division. Paul uses the word that means “factions.”

Our people and their people.

Our side and their side.

Those who agree with us and those who don’t.

We stop seeing people as brothers and sisters. See them as obstacles.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13.

1 Corinthians 1:10–11 ESV

10 I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment. 11 For it has been reported to me by Chloe’s people that there is quarreling among you, my brothers.

1 Corinthians 1:12–13 ESV

12 What I mean is that each one of you says, “I follow Paul,” or “I follow Apollos,” or “I follow Cephas,” or “I follow Christ.” 13 Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?

Some said: “I follow Paul.” | Others: “I follow Apollos.” | Others: “I follow Cephas.” | And Paul essentially asks: “Is Christ divided?”

That's the question.

Not: “Which leader do you like?” | Not:“Which group is right?”

But: “Is Christ divided?”

The tragedy wasn't simply that people had different loyalties and preferences. The tragedy was that their loyalties and preferences had become more important than their unity in Christ. They had allowed themselves to become more identified by who they followed than by whose they were.

The Scripture has a few strong things to say about people who divide the church for the sake of selfish amition…

Romans 16:17–18 “17 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. 18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.”

Jude 19 “19 It is these who cause divisions, worldly people, devoid of the Spirit.”

Division rarely starts with: “Let's destroy the unity of the church.” It usually starts much smaller.

“I don't like the way they do that.”

“They should have asked me.”

“I wouldn't have made that decision.”

“Those people always…”

“We've never done it that way.”

“They don't understand.”

“We're the ones who…”

And before long, we're no longer talking about an issue, the work of the flesh grows and grows into division.

We're talking about people.

Then we're talking about sides.

Then we're building camps.

And eventually, people who are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ are treating one another like enemies.

That's what selfishness does. Selfishness separates.

Rivalries > Dissension > Division

Conclusion:

Holiness is not simply learning how to behave better. God wants to deal with the deeper problem of the heart.

Our motives. | Our ambitions. | Our attitudes. | Our relationships.

Sanctifying grace doesn't simply teach us how to hide selfishness better. Sanctifying grace transforms the heart.

God's desire is that we become people whose lives are governed by holy love. Jesus said the greatest commandments are to love God and love our neighbor.

That means holiness moves us away from self-centeredness → Christ-centeredness

That means holiness moves us away from self-protection → sacrificial love

That means holiness moves us away from self-promotion → humble service

That means holiness moves us away from self-interest → concern for others

The question becomes: “Lord, what in me still needs to be surrendered?”

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The way of the flesh leads to death. The way of God leads to life. The Jesus Way. (Worship Team Cue)

Instead of rivalry…Celebrate.

Instead of dissension…Listen.

Instead of division…Pursue reconciliation.

Instead of selfish ambition…Serve.

Instead of “What about me?”…“Lord, how can I love?”

Instead of asking “How can I get my way?” | Ask: “How can I reflect Jesus?”

Instead of: “Do they recognize me?” | Ask: “Does Christ recognize faithfulness?”

Instead of: “Do I get the credit?” | Ask: “Did God receive the glory?”

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Final Appeal

So let me ask you today:

Where has selfishness gotten into your heart?

Is there a selfish ambition there? (Is it hiding? Masquerading as motivation or ambition, but you know where the root lies)

Is there somebody else's success you struggle to celebrate?

Is there a disagreement you can't let go of?

Is there somebody you have quietly placed in the category of “us” and “them”? (opponents)

Is there a relationship where you care more about proving your point than loving the person?

Is there a place where you're saying: “But what about me?”

Maybe today God is inviting you to lay that down.

Not because your feelings don't matter.

Not because truth doesn't matter.

Not because convictions don't matter.

But because Christ matters more.

And holiness means allowing God to move us from self-centeredness to love-centeredness.