WISDOM FOR THOSE SEEKING MARRIAGE

Turn in your bibles to Genesis chapter 24. We’ll be reading verses 1-4.

Hear now the word of the Lord:

Genesis 24:1–4 ESV

1 Now Abraham was old, well advanced in years. And the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. 2 And Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh, 3 that I may make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, 4 but will go to my country and to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac.”

This is the word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God.

PRAYER

Father, greet us this day with your holy wisdom and shine on us by your word. Make it a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. Amen.

Introduction

We have now come to the 24th chapter of Genesis—nearly halfway through the book. Based on our current sermon calendar, we will be done with Genesis at the end of December.

The story of Isaac and Rebekah is one that I particularly love. If you consider it in the context of all of the other marriages in this book, it sticks out as one of the only drama-free love stories. No polygamy; no concubines; no unrighteousness—just faithfulness, God’s good providence, and a very sweet friendship.

For that reason, we can look to this story of Isaac and Rebekah and glean wisdom for the seeking of marriage. And I have two categories of people in mind who can gain wisdom here:

First, and most obviously, would be those seeking marriage themselves.

Second would be parents who will one day be marrying off their children.

So then, lets go to the text and see what glorious wisdom there is for us.

1. Parents Should Be Involved (1-4)

The first and perhaps the most unpopular piece of wisdom we can learn, is that parents ought to be involved in the marriage process.

Look with me again at verses 1-4:

Genesis 24:1–4 ESV

1 Now Abraham was old, well advanced in years. And the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. 2 And Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh, 3 that I may make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, 4 but will go to my country and to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac.”

So you see, Abraham considered it his duty to help his son find a wife. And you will find this idea all throughout the Bible. Not only throughout the Bible, but really through all of history.

Of course, there are ditches on both sides of this road.

Ditch 1:

On the one hand, total parental involvement without any input from the child can lead to unhealthy marriages founded upon mere obligation instead of friendship. And it seems to me to be rather cruel to make your child marry someone that they don’t want to.

Now to be clear, there are plenty of cultures even today that still practice arranged marriages and I have heard stories of some arranged marriages being vibrant and healthy. But certainly not all of them are.

Ditch 2

The other ditch on the road of wisdom is the idea that the child will pick their spouse without any input and guidance from the parents. This notion is a very recent and modern idea. It seems to be the product of hyper-individualism and the breakdown of the family that has caused such a social deterioration such as this.

In fact, most of the time when we see someone bypass their parents’ wisdom and aid in the choosing of a spouse, the results are quite disastrous.

Just a few chapters later, we read these words:

Genesis 26:34–35 ESV

34 When Esau was forty years old, he took Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite to be his wife, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite, 35 and they made life bitter for Isaac and Rebekah.

Esau took for himself two wives from the Canaanites, to the great displeasure of his parents. They led him astray from the ways of the Lord.

Certainly this is not the path his parents would have chosen for him. We knows this because in chapter 27, they sent Jacob to Paddan-aram in order to find a wife from Rebecca’s family in order to specifically avoid the wicked Canaanite women.

Why parental involvement is so important

And this really gets at the reason parental involvement is so important when finding a spouse:

Parents are generally wiser than their children. They aren’t blinded by infatuation and since they have likely been married for many years, they know how difficult it can be sometimes. They are likely able to identify the red flags and bad character traits in a potential companion.

Charge to children to listen to their parents

So children, hear this: listen to your parents. God gave them to you for a reason. They are wiser than you know and you are more ignorant than you know. If your parents disapprove of someone your interested in, then the odds are that they are right and you are wrong. You are likely blinded by your passion. And that’s why you need outside wisdom.

Do yourself a favor and honor the wisdom of your parents. Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived—save the Lord Jesus himself—said the following:

Proverbs 1:8–9 ESV

8 Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, 9 for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

Proverbs 23:22–25 ESV

22 Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. 23 Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding. 24 The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. 25 Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice.

Choose the way of prosperity and follow the wisdom of your parents.

Charge to those without Parental Help

Now I know some of you are adults and are seeking marriage or will be in the future. Maybe your parents aren’t around anymore. Or maybe they are but their judgement is poor. The good news is that you can still follow the wisdom of this principle. Find a few married couples in your church who’s marriage is healthy. Ask them to help you. Or go to your pastors for guidance and help.

The Balance

So then, it would seem we need to strike a balance between parental involvement and the child’s involvement. And I think there is room for different cultural practices with varying degrees of involvement from each party. But what we should all strive for is this:

Children, don’t disregard the wisdom of your parents.

Parents, don’t disregard the desires of your children.

One glorious truth in all this is that we actually see this balance in the gospel itself.

The Father chose for his son a bride—the church. He predestined her from all eternity to be united to his son. And the Son loved this idea and from heaven he came and sought her. And he nought only sought her, but he bought her. With his own blood did her purchase her. And great will be the wedding feast.

The second piece of wisdom we learn from the story of Isaac and Rebecca is this: if you are seeking a godly marriage, you should first be faithful where you are currently stationed.

2. Be Faithful in Your Current Station (5-7;63)

Look with me at verses 5-7 of chapter 24:

Genesis 24:5–7 ESV

5 The servant said to [Abraham], “Perhaps the woman may not be willing to follow me to this land. Must I then take your son back to the land from which you came?” 6 Abraham said to him, “See to it that you do not take my son back there. 7 The Lord, the God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house and from the land of my kindred, and who spoke to me and swore to me, ‘To your offspring I will give this land,’ he will send his angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there.

Abraham knew that he was supposed to stay in the land God had given to him and to his offspring after him. He and his family were meant to stay there and plant their roots.

It would have been awfully tempting to go back to Abraham’s home country to make a dwelling. The grass probably looked greener on the other side. Here in the land of Canaan—the promised land—there we many wicked nations. There was much danger and much adversity. But this is where God wanted Abraham so it was there that Abraham stayed.

We see a similar thing with Isaac at the end of the chapter.

When God brought Isaac his wife, where was he? What was he doing? He was out in the field, praying to the Lord, when all of a sudden, his wife arrived.

Genesis 24:63 ESV

63 And Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening. And he lifted up his eyes and saw, and behold, there were camels coming.

He had now idea if Abraham’s servant was actually going to come back with a wife for him. He was praying so, but he didn’t know for sure. He had to trust God. And Isaac was out in the field, exactly where he was supposed to be, seeking the Lord.

So then, are you being faithful where you’ve been placed? Are you currently worshiping God and seeking him first? Or do you have the silly idea in your head that once you find a spouse, then you can seek God fully and get to work? I’ll tell you now, if you aren’t faithful to God now when you aren’t married then it is unlikely you will be faithful to God later when you are married.

Don’t let your desire for marriage become an idol.

It is a good thing to desire a spouse. Marraige is good and glorious. But don’t let that desire get out of control. Don’t let it lead you away from what is important right now: loving and obey God with everything you are; being faithful where he has planted you.

Brothers, do not be deceived: if you do not currently love and serve the wife of Christ, the church, then what makes you think you will love and serve your wife should God grant you one?

Sisters, do not be deceived: if you do not currently love and serve Jesus Christ, the husband of the church, then what makes you think you will love and serve your husband should God grant you one?

Serve God and his people now. Entrust your desire for a spouse to him and get to work obeying him in the present.

And this leads us to the third piece of wisdom we learn from this story: trust in God’s providence.

3. Trust in God’s Providence (8)

Notice with me how Abraham trusted in God’s providence.

Genesis 24:8 ESV

8 But if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be free from this oath of mine; only you must not take my son back there.”

Abraham showed that he trusted God to provide a wife for son, regardless of if his servant was successful in finding a wife from his homeland.

He had clearly learned his lesson on trusting God to do what was difficult or even impossible. God promised the old barren Abraham and Sarah that they would have a child, but when Abraham took matters into his own hands, trying to make things happen in his own timing, he ended up having Ishmael with Hagar, who has been a thorn in the side of Abraham’s offspring ever since.

He wouldn’t make that mistake again. Instead, he trusted that God would provide a wife for Isaac so that he would have offspring to fill this promised land in which they were dwelling.

In the same way, you can trust that if God wants you to be married, he will bring you a spouse. This can be scary, but it is far better to leave it to the Lord than to take matters into your own hands and make a mess of it.

Now that doesn’t mean you should just sit around and wait for God to magically make a spouse appear out of thin air. You can still be on the lookout for a mate. But the difference is in your posture of heart and in your desperation. Is your heart more desperate for a mate than for God himself? Would you rather think about having a spouse than pray to God and meditate on his promises? If so, then you must redirect you heart and your desperation.

Remember Psalm 16:11

Psalm 16:11 ESV

11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Be satisfied in God. He is the truest source of pleasure and fulness of joy.

Some people look to marraige to satisfy their hearts longings. But I can tell you from experience, even the healthiest of marriages only go so far. My wife is my very best friend and our hearts a tightly knit together. We have a very happy marriage. But she is not my ultimate source of joy. She is not the path of life to me. Christ is.

Should God take away my wife and my children, I still have everything. I have Christ. What else is there to have? I am satisfied in him.

Providence for the Celibate

Now, it may be part of God’s providential plan for you not to be married. And that can be a hard pill to swallow.

It is challenging to accept that you although yoyu desire marriage, God desires something else for you.

And this is a great test to see where your affection and loyalty really lies:

If God wanted you to remain celibate for the rest of your life, would you still love and obey him?

Or do you see your christian faith as a means to an end? Are you using God to get what you really want: a spouse? I have met people of whom this sadly seemed to be true and have now fallen away from the faith.

You must love God more than humans.

You must trust that in his presence there really is fullness of joy and at his right hand are pleasures forever more.

And that can be hard to do in this life. Because in some sense you will live your life in constant anticipation of the satisfaction you will have in heaven when you are with the Lord.

It really isn’t all that different from what Abraham have to do. He was given the promise of the bountiful land and plentiful offspring but never being able to see it in this life. And no small amount of either. A long stretch of land—between Egypt and the Euphrates—and great number of offspring to fill that land. That would have meant city upon city, town upon town, full of Abraham’s descendants. But he never saw it in this life. He saw tents, not cities. He saw servants, not sons. Listen to Hebrews 11:

Hebrews 11:9–16 ESV

9 By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. 11 By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore. 13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

Abraham had to be satisfied in God and trust that what God had in store for him in the next life was far greater than anything in this life.

And this may be what you need to hear this morning. Maybe you want to be married and the thought of being celibate for the rest of this life sounds lonely and depressing.

But you must take heart! There are two great truths that those who are unmarried must remember!

The first encouragement for the celibate

The first truth you must remember is that the God who created the joys of marraige and companionship is also the God who has prepared for you a heavenly home and who has given you a share in the eternal inheritance. God will resurrect this earth on the last day and make it new. A real, physical land in which righteousness dwells. And you will not be lonely there. You will at last be with Christ himself. Your faith will be transformed to sight. There will be no more anticipation. Only enjoyment of the present reality of God’s irresistible presence.

The second encouragement for the celibate

The second truth you must remember is that you don’t need marriage in order to have companionship. You can have incredibly deep and meaningful friendships with others right now—particularly fellow Christians.

Consider the story of David and Jonathan.

1 Samuel 18:1 ESV

1 As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

2 Samuel 1:26 ESV

[After Jonathan dies David says:] I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women.

Now some people in modern times read those words and grow suspicious as to whether David and Jonathan were gay. Even some you may feel uncomfortable when you read about the love they had for each other. But all this speaks to is the utter lack of understanding of what real friendship is. People in our day are starving of real friendship.

Real friendship is loyal and passionate; strong and selfless. Romance really has nothing whatsoever to do with it.

There are men in my life that I love deeply. They are my brothers. They are my companions. They are my friends. I would die for them and I will live for them. We hug one another, we share in suffering with one another, we are loyal to one another. We love spending time together. This is how friendships ought to be. And when you invest yourself in others and into those friendships, it really does help with the loneliness, even if you still have a desire for a marital companion.

Remember that while marriage is good, it isn’t the most important thing in the world. You can have a perfectly satisfied and complete Christian life without being married. There is so much more to life than marriage, sex and romance.

Now with these things in mind; with your heart being in the proper posture and you hope fixed on Christ and not on finding a spouse, you can now approach the search for a spouse with the right mindset. And it is to that which we now turn: the fourth piece of wisdom we learn from this story of Isaac and Rebecca is this: Do not compromise biblical standards.

4. Don’t Compromise Biblical Standards (15-28)

Abraham wanted Isaac to marry a godly woman who would worship the true God. The Canaanite women were wicked and would surely have led Isaac astray from God’s ways. Abraham’s servant knew this. So he prayed to the Lord the following:

Genesis 24:12–14 ESV

12 And he said, “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. 13 Behold, I am standing by the spring of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. 14 Let the young woman to whom I shall say, ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master.”

While he was praying, this happened:

Genesis 24:15–21 ESV

15 Before he had finished speaking, behold, Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel the son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, came out with her water jar on her shoulder. 16 The young woman was very attractive in appearance, a maiden whom no man had known. She went down to the spring and filled her jar and came up. 17 Then the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please give me a little water to drink from your jar.” 18 She said, “Drink, my lord.” And she quickly let down her jar upon her hand and gave him a drink. 19 When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I will draw water for your camels also, until they have finished drinking.” 20 So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough and ran again to the well to draw water, and she drew for all his camels. 21 The man gazed at her in silence to learn whether the Lord had prospered his journey or not.

Think of how easy it would have been for him to assume that Rebecca was the right woman for Isaac. She appeared at the well just when he prayed for God to bring the right woman there. She was beautiful. She was hospitable, as evidenced by her labor in giving drink to his camels. What more could the servant ask for? Wasn’t it obvious that she was the right choice? Not so fast. Abraham told the servant to find a wife from his own family. Although all the qualifications seemed to be met, there was still one lacking. The most important one actually: she had to be a woman from Abraham’s family.

So what does the servant do next?

Genesis 24:22–28 ESV

22 When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing a half shekel, and two bracelets for her arms weighing ten gold shekels, 23 and said, “Please tell me whose daughter you are. Is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?” 24 She said to him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor.” 25 She added, “We have plenty of both straw and fodder, and room to spend the night.” 26 The man bowed his head and worshiped the Lord 27 and said, “Blessed be the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not forsaken his steadfast love and his faithfulness toward my master. As for me, the Lord has led me in the way to the house of my master’s kinsmen.” 28 Then the young woman ran and told her mother’s household about these things.

Now it was clear. The woman met all of the qualifications. First, she was providentially put in the path of the servant. Second, she was beautiful, third she was hard working and hospitable, and forth, she was part of Abraham’s family.

So what are we to learn from all of this?

Be Equally Yoked

Yes, you too should find a spouse that God has placed in your path, that you are attracted to, and who is kind and hard working. But most importantly, make sure they too are a child of Abraham—make sure that they are a Christian—for all those who believe are the true children of Abraham.

Sometimes people are so desperate for a spouse that they are willing to compromise. They are willing to marry someone who is either an unbeliever or maybe is a Christian in name only, just to satisfy the longing for companionship. But this is not God’s will. List to what the Holy Spirit says through Paul:

2 Corinthians 6:14–16 ESV

14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols?…

In other words, it is sinful for a Christian to marry someone who is not a Christian. Furthermore, it is a sin for a Christian to marry someone who says they are a Christian but doesn’t live like it.

This is what our church’s confession of faith says:

Everyone who is able to give rational consent may marry. Yet Christians are to marry in the Lord. Therefore, those who profess the true religion should not marry unbelievers or idolaters. Nor should the godly be unequally yoked by marrying those who lead evil lives or hold to damnable heresy.

I urge you not to compromise on Biblical standards.

Of course, part of finding someone who meets biblical standards is being sure YOU meet those standards yourself.

Be the kind of person that the kind of person you want to marry would want to marry.

If you want to find a godly person to marry, the you need to be godly too.

Find a spouse like Rebekah. Find a man or woman of faith.

Consider how Rebekah’s story mimic’s Abraham’s:

She was from the same homeland as Abraham

God called her out of that land to dwell in the promised land

She stepped out in faith and said “I will go”

And God promised her numerous offspring.

And God did in fact make good on these promises.

And this proves the fact that God’s way is the best way.

Conclusion: God’s Way is the Best Way (60)

Abraham’s servant obeyed God in faith. Rebekah obeyed God in faith. And what came of it? Listen to verse 60:

Genesis 24:60 ESV

60 And they blessed Rebekah and said to her, “Our sister, may you become thousands of ten thousands, and may your offspring possess the gate of those who hate him!”

This is the same promise God gave to Abraham in chapter 22:

Genesis 22:17 ESV

17 I will surely bless you, and I will surely multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven and as the sand that is on the seashore. And your offspring shall possess the gate of his enemies,

Who is this offspring that will possess the gate of his enemies? It is Jesus Christ of course!

So it was through the obedience of Abraham, his servant, and Rebekah that God brought about the greatest blessing the world has ever known: Jesus Christ. The one who saves us from our sin.

Likely, if you chose the hard path—the path of obedience—you will ultimately be blessed; far beyond anything you can ask or think. You are storing up treasure in heaven; a treasure that will never grow old or be lost.

So choose the path of faith. Choose the path of being satisfied in Christ. Choose the path of trusting in God’s providence. And though it may be challenging, you will not be disappointed when he rewards you.

CLOSING PRAYER

We do not presume to come into your presence, O Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, for we are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under your table. But you, Lord, are a merciful God and we take refuge in your many mercies. Grant us, therefore, gracious Father, to so partake of your son, Jesus Christ, by faith, that our sinful flesh may be healed by his broken body, that our souls may be washed by his precious blood, and that we may evermore dwell in him, and him in us. Amen.