Conflict in Marriage

The Foundation of Conflict

Conflict is not inherently bad or sinful

Non-sinful disagreement exists in a healthy marriage (Rom. 14)

Categorizing Conflict (Priolo)

Difference

Disagreement

Sin

Non-sinful causes of conflict can still lead to sinful conflict

Conflict becomes sinful when controlling desires usurp the place of God’s commands (Jas. 4:1-3)

Responses to Conflict (Sande)

Three Options

Move Away

Proverbs 18:1 ESV

1 Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.

Move Against

Proverbs 18:2 ESV

2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Move Towards

1 Peter 3:8–9 ESV

8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

Move Away Responses

Denial

Flight

Suicide

Move Towards Responses

Forbearance

Reconciliation

Negotiation

Mediation

Arbitration

Move Against Responses

Litigation (sometimes not sinful)

Assault

Murder

A Path Towards Godliness (Tripp)

4 Gs (Sande)

Glorify God

Get the log out

Gently restore

Go and be reconciled

8 Principles (Tripp)

1. Prepare your heart before engaging in conflict

Prayer

Reflection (What do I want?)

Repentance

Thanksgiving

2. Commit to listening

Proverbs 18:17 ESV

17 The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

Listen to understand not to respond

3. Consider encouragement

If sinful conflict arises from unmet desires, consider if your spouse has legitimate unmet desires that you can meet

4. Do not attack

Generalizations, judging motives, criticism, profanity, threat, ultimatum

Positively:

Ephesians 4:29–32 ESV

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

5. Immediately repent of sin (Sande)

Address everyone involved

Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe”

Proverbs 28:13 ESV

13 Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

“If I was wrong”

“But you…”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have…”

Admit specifically

Acknowledge the hurt

Luke 19:8 ESV

8 And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”

Accept the consequences

Numbers 5:6–7 ESV

6 “Speak to the people of Israel, When a man or woman commits any of the sins that people commit by breaking faith with the Lord, and that person realizes his guilt, 7 he shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong.

Alter your behavior

Ephesians 4:28 ESV

28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

Ask for forgiveness

Luke 17:3–4 ESV

3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

6. Forgive

Colossians 3:12 ESV

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

7. Be Patient

Reconciliation is a process not an event

Growth happens slowly

Agreement is not always the result of even godly conflict

8. Get help

Moving Forward in Forgiveness (Sande)

How to Forgive

Recognize the offense

Reject revenge

Lovingly confront

Forgive where the offender repents

Do not weaponize the offense

Forgiveness is Not

Restoration of trust

Removal of consequences

Pretending the relationship is repaired