Approval Addict set free by reconciliation

Approval Addict

Do you have a problem saying "no"? Well, let me confess to you that I do. I think deep down inside I feel one of two things:

That if I say "no" when someone asks me to do something that I will let them down, causing them to think less of me. That I will lose the opportunity to make myself look good, or lose an opportunity to get that exposure to others that I have been looking for that might lead to me being well-liked or well-known.

The sad thing is that I know this is wrong. I know that there is just something not right about these thoughts...but, in so many ways, I feel like an addict...an addict for approval.

A Question

When we walk through the halls of wherever we find ourselves throughout the day (school, work, home, church), what goes through our minds?

What is my purpose? How am I living my life? How can I love God and others? …maybe sometimes…but, probably, if there are people around, “What do they think about me?”

There is a deep longing within our hearts to be accepted, not to be rejected. We cry out with our words, our actions, our clothes, our personalities, our choices...

“Please don’t reject me!”

So in order to ensure that we don't feel rejected, we want to know what they think about us, so we ask ourselves these questions:

Do they want to be around me?

Do they brag or talk highly of me?

Will they ask to be a part of what I am doing?

What questions would you ask people about yourself if you could do so without consequences?

Am I cool?

Am I funny?

Am I attractive?

Am I successful?

Am I don't a good job?

What do you dream about or desire to accomplish that would win the approval and favor of others? A movie star. A famous sports player. A great scientist. A great historian. A great doctor. And who are these others that you want to win the approval of? Grandparents. Parents. Siblings. Coworkers. Fellow students. Friends. Peers. Those who work for you. Children.

What would you change about yourself?

Doesn’t this thought and the answers to this question reveal your insecurities, your feeling of inferiority, your fear of rejection? These things you live with on a daily basis.

But does this just happen to me, or to others? The reality is that it doesn’t simply happen to the unsuccessful, but the successful as well. Those who are successful are pressured into keeping up their “performance” so they can hold onto the approval that they already have and need to keep.

When you look at successful people, don’t forget that they are scared of failing and being rejected too. Many people just cover it up because of what they can do.

Why? Because they are addicts just like us.

Lie #2: I must be approved by others to feel good about myself

Judging our worth based upon other’s approval. This is the most powerful of the four lies, and the most deadly to us.

The world tells us that being accepted and popular is the big test we have to pass in order to get a good life. We see it on TV, in commercials, movies, magazines, billboards, on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, everywhere. It is pervasive, and we have come to believe it.

We believe that getting the approval of others and comparing ourselves with our peers is the only reliable way to tell us how we are doing and determine our self-worth.

How is this working for you?

How many people out there are stronger, more beautiful, smarter, more athletic, more talented then you? Can you ever win if you compare yourself to others?

But what happens when you do compare yourself? Don’t you get down on yourself, depressed, or maybe if you are doing well, stuck up and conceited.

We look at ourselves over time and say, “There’s something wrong with me. If only I could change _________. Then…”

What does this do to us? It squeezes the fun and joy out of us. It discourages us from exploring who we really are and developing the talent and abilities that God designed us to have.

Psalm 56:10–11 ESV

In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?

In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?

This sounds a lot different from what we have been talking about, doesn't it?

Why? How can the psalmist feel like this?

The answer is found a little later.

Psalm 56:13 ESV

For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

“you must be approved by certain others to feel good about yourself causes you to fear rejection, making you willing to change your attitudes and actions to match the expectations of others.” - McGee

Rejection test:

When I sense that someone might reject me, I become nervous and anxious.

How do I know if I am an approval addict?

I am uncomfortable around those who are different form me.

I am uncomfortable around those who are different form me.

Rejection test

I avoid certain people - Why? These people are not reflecting back to us that we have worth.

I am critical of others.

I am critical of others.

When I sense that someone might reject me, I become nervous and anxious - Rejection often creates fairly intense pain. We try to avoid pain.

I am uncomfortable around people who are unlike me - different people often don't welcome us

It bothers me when someone is unfriendly to me - Find rejection in places where there isn’t any rejection because we look for it.

I am basically shy and unsocial - recluse so they won’t encounter people, because people represent a certain amount of danger. Sabotage a friendship

I am critical of others - Devalue them to the place so we don’t have to deal with the rejection

I find myself trying to impress others - people who appear to be successful, outgoing…may have a mask that is appropriate for the situation because they are afraid of being hurt.

I become depressed when someone criticizes me - messages from the past that echo through our mind. Keep them alive.

I always try to determine what people think of me - Trying to anticipate what might happen to me to avoid that which is painful.

I don’t understand people and what motivates them - We try to find out how people operate so we can anticipate what we should do.

Approval addict’s results

Approval addict’s results

Anger, resentment, hostility - attempting to deal with the pain of rejection

Easily manipulated - Desperately wanting you to accept them. The only way they know that they will be accepted is by doing what you want them to do.

Co-dependency - our lives begin to blend with other lives.

Avoidance of people Control - control those who would reject you

Depression - repeating of negative messages

Hypersensitivity to the options of others - always sensitive

Hyposensitivity to their own emotions - dead inside

God’s solution: reconciliation

Colossians 1:21–22 ESV

And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,

God’s offer: total and complete acceptance

I find myself trying to impress others.

I find myself trying to impress others.

God designed us in his image. One of the characteristics of God is that he is a personal God who dwells in eternal community. One essence, three persons.

I always try to determine what people think of me.

I always try to determine what people think of me.

There is a drive within us to be in relationship because of this. We need relationships because we are made in God's image. Thus, the drive within us for relationships can only be satisfied in God. That's how he made us.

We try to find it in people, but they just can't meet our needs, he alone can fulfill it.

So, we see in that God offers us total and complete acceptance, relationship through the work of Christ on the cross.

The problem

Our former condition was being alienated and hostile in our mind - We act independently of God because we think that we don't need him.

The natural man reflects the attitudes of Satan - I will do it my way. I must be in control. I will not accept who I am or my position. I must be independent.

The battle is in the mind first and foremost - Our mind is a battlefield, what we think is critical. Changing behavior won't solve our problem.

The natural man thinks independently of God - God did not make a world for us to act independently of him, but we are meant to depend upon him and respond to him.

Evil deed are every deed that comes from ourselves apart from God - These are sins of hostility against him. Desiring to live and act apart from him. Our heart is deceitful, our minds are darkened. God desires us to be dependent on him. There are 2 alternatives: that which is polluted or contaminated that comes from us, or that which comes from him.

God determines what sin is - What God determines matters, nothing else. He is absolute truth. There is not this idea of thesis, antithesis, and synthesis with God, there is simply absolute truth.

Reconciliation meets are need

We are counted holy - Brought from sinful contamination to a position of holiness by what Christ’s death on cross accomplished.

We are considered blameless - No blame can be imputed to us. Christ took our blame, so we are not to live in shame and guilt.

We are beyond reproach - No charge can be made against us by Satan or anyone.

This is an incredible thing. In the death of Christ he dealt with our problem and condition so powerfully, so finally, that once we accept his substitutionary death, we are held in a state of being, where independent of our behavior we are counted as holy, blameless, and beyond reproach.

The only other option then believing this is that Christ’s death wasn’t sufficient to do this.

But how can this be true?

We don't really know. God planned it as such and it doesn't make sense to our minds.

If God didn't declare it, we wouldn't know it to be true.

It shows the completeness of Christ's death on the cross, which makes sense, he being the eternal God

Implications

We are completely accepted by God - we have a powerful need to find acceptance, and we have it.

There is nothing that can interrupt this acceptance

We are not only at peace with our Holy God, but are in union with Him -

We are one with God. We are currently seated with Christ at the right hand of the Father

If I believe the truth that God has declared, that I am totally accepted by God, it will make a difference to help me overcome my approval addiction. God alone can satisfy our need for approval, and through reconciliation he does.

What next?

Agree with God that you are accepted - accept the fact that whatever God says is

Continue to meditate on this fact - we truly have the unconditional love of God

Be on guard to reject thoughts that contradict this - we will not act out of what we are not aware of

What are some of the other affects of allowing God to love us?

Strength to overcome the power of the flesh and sin - The love of Christ constrains us. You cannot overcome the flesh with the flesh. The only thing that overcomes the flesh is the supernatural power of God.

We will have love within us to love those who, like us, do not deserve to be loved - This is the agape love.

Agape love will flow through us if we allow it to - We are a conduit of God’s love. We only experience this love when we allow it to flow through us to others.

You will grow in your awareness of his love for you - As you begin to stand on it.

We can believe the truth of God. We see ourselves the way God sees us. It doesn’t matter how others see us. We are totally loved, totally accepted.

Where does self-worth lie?

In the fact that Christ’s blood has paid for our sins, and made it possible to be reconciled to God. Totally and completely accepted by God on this basis. With this approval, we don’t need to depend on friends, culture, or even parents and whether we measure up to their expectations. We don’t have to live in fear and have emotional and relational problems because of it.

We can live in confidence on God’s unchanging view of us, and so we can develop our own gifts out of God’s love without fear of rejection when those gifts aren’t developed as they should be.

What to do?

Read the passages, answer the questions, meditate on them, memorize them.

- Do you consider God to be your friend? - Yes, though it is sometimes hard to remember this. - Describe your relationship with God. - I am a friend and not a servant. - Why is Paul so convinced? - ..because the Holy Spirit lives inside him and testifies that it is true. , , - Describe why your identity in Christ is so important. …because it is only in union with Christ that I can be made right with God and have my sin put upon him. - How do you experience God’s grace? …by being set free from sin through forgiveness. - Do you feel proud that God saved you? …no, it makes me humble, for it is a gift. - How is faith made perfect? …by looking to Jesus. - What blessings are in heaven for you? …blessings that will never end and are waiting for me.

Psalm 103:12 ESV

as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

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What happens to the mistakes and sins you have made? …taken away

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Matthew 26:28 ESV

for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Why did Christ die for you? …to forgive my sins.

John 3:16 ESV

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

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What is God’s promise to you? - eternal life.

John 5:24 ESV

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.

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Why do you think God promised you this great gift? …to make me alive in him.

Romans 3:23–24 ESV

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,

Romans

What is your favorite thing about being made right with God? - begin accepted by God by his great love.

Romans 4:7 ESV

“Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered;

Romans 3:23–24 NLT

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

When are you happiest? - when I know my sins are forgiven.

Romans 5:10 ESV

For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

Do you consider God to be your friend? - Yes, though it is sometimes hard to remember this.

When are you happiest? - when I know my sins are forgiven.

Romans 8:15 ESV

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”

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Describe your relationship with God. - I am a friend and not a servant.

Romans 8:38–39 ESV

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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Why is Paul so convinced? - ..because the Holy Spirit lives inside him and testifies that it is true.

Why is Paul so convinced? - ..because the Holy Spirit lives inside him and testifies that it is true.

2 Corinthians 5:17–21 ESV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

, ,

Describe why your identity in Christ is so important. …because it is only in union with Christ that I can be made right with God and have my sin put upon him.

Ephesians 1:7 ESV

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

How do you experience God’s grace? …by being set free from sin through forgiveness.

Ephesians 2:8–9 ESV

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Do you feel proud that God saved you? …no, it makes me humble, for it is a gift.

Hebrews 12:2 ESV

looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

How is faith made perfect? …by looking to Jesus.

Hebrews 12:21 NLT

Moses himself was so frightened at the sight that he said, “I am terrified and trembling.”

1 Peter 1:3–4 ESV

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you,

What blessings are in heaven for you? …blessings that will never end and are waiting for me.

What blessings are in heaven for you? …blessings that will never end and are waiting for me.

Peter 1:3-4 assdf

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