Beyond Conflict -How to get Beyond Conflict
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Good morning Welcome to our service…
We are in a series we started a few weeks ago entitled BEYOND… and we are looking at what lies beyond us in 2020 and into 2021..
We have talked about storms and last week we covered getting Beyond Transitions…This morning we are going to look at getting beyond.. Conflict…
How we get Beyond Conflict is really a huge topic..
One of the problems with, “ Conflict Resolution” is that most of have never been taught how to handle conflict.. we didn’t have a class on it growing up.. our parents didn’t know much about conflict resolution ..
Yet this something we all have to deal with regularly in our lives…Whether it is at work or in your marriage, your family… Just about everything in life that involves people..
Now we may not be able to avoid conflict.. but we can learn how to manage Conflict.
That is what we are going to focus on today..
T/s How do we manage Conflict?
Let’s start by defining Conflict… What is conflict?.
Conflicts... are disagreements, struggles, or battles over opposing issues or principles.
the Latin word, Conflictus — means an “act of striking together or clashing with.” JUNE HUNT
Basically Conflict is opposing forces that are at work from without and from within our lives… They may come into our lives in many forms..
T/S There are three primary areas where we need to manage Conflict...
1. The Struggle I have within.
1. The Struggle I have within.
…A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that Emma had her Catalytic converter stollen from her car… and so I had to speak to our insurance company… Well since then I been inundated with these calls from insurance companies..… So I get this call… and I am being very polite.. telling the person on the other side of the phone that we don’t need his services — quite happy with our current insurance plan…But, after a while he was still not taking no for an answer… kept on reverting me too a free comparison..
Then I realized that he was not listening to anything I was saying… Turns out that I was not talking to a real person but a Robot or Bot- Artificial Intelligence — we living in this day where there is this wired interaction with machines.. and obviously it's going to get harder to figure out..who we are talking too.
Thankfuly one of problem with Bots and AI… technology is they don’t cue into emotional responses…
We can be thankful that we have Emotions - they are wonderful things.. But here is the thing about emotions… that's where we find much of our internal struggles..
The conflict within is really our struggle with our emotional life..
What we are talking about here what they call in psychology intrapersonal conflict-
Intrapersonal Conflict
- is the struggle within oneself — it often happens when are faced with two or more choices..
If there is anyone in the Bible that had Conflict it was David.. In the 1 and 2 Samuel We have a record of the many battles that David fought and the struggles that he had during his life.. Starting with Goliath and the philistines then his ongoing struggle with King Saul…his son Absalom… who tried to steal the the throne from under him. David struggled with external conflicts… but he also wrestled with internal conflict.
Here is the thing that I love about the life of David. Is that not only have the record of his life -- we also have a record in the book of Psalms of how David processed the things that happened to Him… we get this unique insight into His emotional life… How many of us go back time and time again to the psalms?
The reason — is that there is common experience… the psalms deals with a wide range of human emotions..
At times David san out songs of
Praised, He trusted, He gave thanks …
then at other times David Lamented.. now what is interesting is that If you look at the psalms you will find out laments make up the majority of the psalms.
Out of 150 Psalms
59 laments
41 Praise
8 Thanksgiving
6 Trust
Laments… are basically songs or psalms that have a tone that express feelings of sadness, confusion, aloneness, desperation, sorrow.
A lament Verbally express what is going on within us… this is through song and poetry..
t/s We are going to look at Psalms 42 one of David’s laments...
We are not given the exact occasion of this Lament… but we have some indicators that David seems to be a long way from Jerusalem, as he remembers the praises of the temple - David appears be oppressed by enemies — who question him about the presence of God… in David's darkness if Soul - His Enemies ask where is your God now?
What we learn from the songs of lament..is that There is a place for lament in our lives.
sometimes as the church we stray away from the message of grieving or lamenting… The songs of lament were often sung in processionals of the feasts.. there is a place to express losses and disappointments of life.. it's okay to sing the blues..there is a place for lament… sometimes the healthiest things we can do is verbalize what we are feeling...
Psalms 42 begins with a longing for God..
1 As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?
David compare his inner most feelings of that of a painting deer..
A panting deer is not just a thirsty deer. A panting deer is a deer that’s literally dying of thirst. Therefore, a panting deer is a deer that has come down to the riverbed or the streambed where it’s used to having his thirst Quenched, but these days David only to finds the riverbed dry.
It’s not that he doesn’t believe in God anymore, but the the struggle David has is that he can’t sense God in his current situation.
David thirsting for God… David says, He longs for the Living God
This longing of His heart is more than the concept of God… or the longing to know about God. ..This is not not a longing for more information or for more Theology.
This is the longing.. in the personal sense that there’s a God who’s there who I’m dealing with and he’s dealing with me, the give and take …that relationship piece is missing... It’s gone.
.. instead of sensing the nearness of the presence of God.. David finds himself alone in the darkness of Soul.. God feel like He is a million miles away — to the point where David is going to ask God if he has forgotten about Him…
This is the internal conflict..
David is Emotionally feeling Empty..
— The poetic language is beautiful.. instead of experiencing God’s living waters that quench his thirst.. quite the opposite ..there is a different flow..— there are the streams of tears
3 My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”
His tears and sadness are overwhelming..... David uses more poetic imagery where he heaps sorrow upon sorrow.. in verse 7
7 Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.
The phrase deep calls to deep is the The Hebrew phrase Heb “pass over me” it's the sense of drowning The same language found upon the Book of Jonah.. where Jonah tell us that God cast him into the deep.. the flood surrounded him..the waves passed over him..
As David hears the sound of the rushing water, he imagines himself engulfed in the current.
What he is talking about is emotional distress —He feels like he is drowning.. he does not have a choice..place where we feel that we are being pulled under under by life… Depression often feels like that…you just getting sucked in and you don't have a choice!
David tells us that those who are coming against him are crushing him and his very life is threatened… On top of this his enemies are gloating over him with their jeers and taunts… Where is your God??
David expresses himself.. he is saying...
“I am completely crushed by their insults..”
Have you ever been crushed by someone's words… there have soon conversations that have literally impacted My life… recently we have received some beautiful card with ..beautiful words of affirmation…
David has hit rock bottom!
David has this inner struggles
How Does David Recover From Internal?
a. He Remembers what God has done.
Davids thinks back to Jerusalem and the great feasts of Israel.. HE REMEMBERS HOW THINGS WERE IN JERUSALEm
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
In the Bible, "remembering" is "re-membering": re-attaching something that has been amputated. It is a whole-person activity where the past comes alive in the present and suggests action for the future…
If we have no memory, we are adrift—because memory anchors us to the past, interprets the present, and charts a course for the future.
We can GET through inner turmoil BECAUSE WE remember.. one of the reasons why Worship is so important because we rehearse .we remember..the nature and qualities of who God is..
David manages his inner turmoil.. going from remembrance to confession…
b. He Confesses that God is His Hope
9 I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”
11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
Confession is both acknowledging the truth...where you are at In your emotional life… 2. it's confessing the truth about God...
… Once in a while we need to sit down with ourselves and have this conversation… remind ourselves that God… has never moved. We need to place confidence in Him
David realized that He had to take his thought off his current worries and to stop putting his hope in himself and only in God..
T/S There are three primary areas where we need to manage Conflict...
1. The Struggle I have with Myself.
2. The Struggle I have with Others.
2. The Struggle I have with Others.
When you first get married - you gave these unrealistic expectations … You feel that your marriage will be immune from trouble… heartache...
that your marriage is going to be perfect… that while other marriages might struggle.. yours will will be different..
This is what I have learned to dare.
the difference between a marriage that lasts and one that doesn't … conflict resolution… Every marriage has conflict..
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister in hysterics. “Pastor,” she cried, “John and I had our first fight. It was awful! What am I going to do?”
“Calm down, Joanna,” her pastor answered, leaning back in his chair. “This isn’t nearly as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight. It’s natural.”
“I know, I know,” Joanna said impatiently. “But what am I going to do with the body?”
This Story reminds me of what Dave Eden our youth pastor told us many years ago when counciling us… He said that Divorce is never an option… now murder maybe… that's a joke by the way😂
Interpersonal Conflicts
-Interpersonal conflict is A clash of ideas or interests between two or more people (hunt)
This kind of conflict that happens between spouses, between family members, in our work places, it happens between church members.
I want us to look at a well known conflict in the Early church… between time beloved leaders Paul and Barnabas.
In the book of Acts Paul and his missionary partner Barnabas are about to embark on their second missionary journey and visit some of the churches they have planted in Asia minor.. And Paul and Barnabas have a disagreement over bringing Barnabas’ cousin John Mark…
The reason is that During the first missionary journey, John Mark had deserted them to return home (Acts 13:13). We not given the reason… but he left...
Now Paul and his companions set sail from Paphos and came to Perga in Pamphylia. And John left them and returned to Jerusalem,
That’s all we given… the missionary Journey began in Jerusalem and John Mark returned home… But some thing much deeper was going on… Paul had been offended and was still dealing with it....
So when Barnabas suggests that John Mark join them for the second journey… you can imagine how Paul felt about that decision ..., it became a major issue...
you can imagine how easily this kind of thing could happen..
— Remember that Barnabas the name given by the early church which means “son of encouragement.”
Barnabas — Personalty always saw the best in others and gave them the benefit of the doubt..He was more than willing to give his cousin a second chance…
What you have is a classic example of interpersonal conflict - a clash of ideas or interests between two people.
And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.”
Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark.
But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work.
And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus,
but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord.
And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.
We are told that a Sharp disagreement happened between Paul and Barnabas.. They were able to agree on where to travel but they couldn’t agree who was on the team…
The Greek word paroxysm mean a violent disagreement…its intense emotional turmoil expressed in words… In other world got extremely uncomfortable and tempers were lost.. Things were probably said that weren't meant to be said… you know the kind of interaction...The discussion escalated and took a turn for the worst…. instead of cooling off they just parted ways…
If you deconstruct the issue what you discover is the root of the problem..
A. Paul Looked at the Ministry
Paul was thinking about the ministry. He had the big picture in mind. He was thinking about the fact that they were about to leave on a missionary trip. They were going into uncharted territory for the Gospel. They were going into mountainous regions.
They were going into places where they would face death every day. Paul had his thoughts on the people he was trying to reach. In Paul’s mind he couldn’t take the risk of having John Mark walk out on him again. He needed someone he could depend on 100%. That’s what I mean when I say that Paul was looking at the ministry.
B. Barnabas Looked at the Man
Barnabas was looking at the man. Barnabas saw real potential in his young cousin, who had turned away when things got rough. He said, “Paul, maybe you’ve written this guy off, but I’m not writing him off because God has not written him off. I believe in him even though he has failed. And I want to give him another chance.”
What you have is different styles of Conflict management…
a. The Competing mode.
Paul is is a goal-oriented person. Barnabas, on the other hand, seems to have been a more relational person, generous with his possessions and loving toward his fellowmen. We would call him person-oriented.
What you have is two Competing ideas … where neither parties are willing to compromise his position. … Win loose… take it or leave it attitude.
This is exactly what happened.
Barnabas took Mark and returned to Cyprus, and Paul took Silas and went through Syria, Cilicia, and on to Galatia
What we learn from PAUL and Barnabas is How to Manage various modes or styles of conflict.. First we have to recognize the kind of style of conflict management being employed.
lets take a moment to think how this could have been handled.
b. Avoidance mode -
They could of avoided the issue… pretend the issue didn’t exist… Most people want to avoid conflict… (sometimes it can be a good strategy).. But I don’t think it would have helped deal with the problem. Paul could have suggested going there own way without bringing up John Mark.
c. Accommodating Mode
- knowing you have an issue but accommodate willing to live with the issue… living with the tension being unresolved…
d. Collaborative Mode.
This is when your are willing to sit down and find a solution.. you are looking for win win situations.. High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. Paul and Barnabas could have come to a solution much faster if they were willing to work together and to .. give and take…
Paul and Barnabas are imperfect people… The story of redemption is their story too..
Need to know that every conflict - presents an opportunity for for God to work.
The beautiful thing about all of this is that God took human weaknesses and used them for His glory. Instead of just one missionary team in the field, there were two.
It would be sad if the Story and Barnabas ended without a good resolution.. At some point God worked in Pauls heart.
Many years later, when Paul was in prison awaiting his execution, he wrote to Timothy, “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry” (2 Timothy 4:11).
Barnabas was right in giving Mark a second chance, and Mark had used that opportunity to develop into a faithful minister and a writer of the Gospel that bears his name. And Paul was man enough to admit that all this was true. We need to allow for God’s Redemption to work in the midst of conflict.
The third place that conflict happens is within groups… you have groups of people in conflict.. this happens between countries, families, churches… Cause devision within churches. Some of you might have experienced a church split and they are damaging..
1. The Struggle with Myself.
2. The Struggle I have with Others.
3. The struggle I have within a Group.
3. The struggle I have within a Group.
Third place we find Conflicts.. within Groups.. these are tribal in Nature.. we all have this need to belong ..and so what happens is that affiliate with groups of people who share our values ..this becomes our tribe.. You go to Africa tribal conflicts are vary much alive.. tribal affiliation caused lots of damage.. for example genocide.. when Mugabe became president of Zimbabwe in 1980., First thing he did was punish the Matabele tribe… many got killed and mysteriously disappeared
We see tribalism in our nation... many of us find ourselves aligning with values within party lines… we may have good reasons… there is nothing wrong with affiliation.
The problem is when your affiliation supersedes or blurs our vision of Christ and his redemptive purposes for the world.
As Christians we seek to Reconcile our world to God..
The apostle Paul tells us to Maintain the unity of the Spirit....
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,
with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—
John Flavel a puritan English pastor - 17 Century said ...Let nothing beneath a plain necessity divide you from communion one with another hold fast till you can holder no longer without sin.
HOW DO YOU RESOLVE CONFLICT?
HOW DO YOU RESOLVE CONFLICT?
The big question when is how to resolve Conflict.. - How do you fix the tension?
There are basically two positive outcomes in Conflict resolution.. THE FIRST IS Reconciliation and the other is Resolution.
There is a subtile difference.
Resolution means “finding the answer,” it is the the process of reducing things into simpler form… this means that you have found the answer to the problem — through process of reduction - you have made something that was complex and all of a sudden its simpler.
This happens a lot in counseling… You start talking with a problem that seem so huge it is unclear and uncertain and causing major anxiety. And, in the process of digging into the issue… the counselor is able find the trigger (cause)of the thought or the anxiety or the fear. I have literally seen this first hand when light is shed on an issue --- all of sudden a huge weight is lifted. Resolution is simply knowing the answer or Why?
Reconciliation means “100 % restoration to harmony”; “to bring together again.” Two parties come together and they have an impasse but willing to work through it… Here is the thing...
Some differences may never be resolved, but you can still be reconciled to those with whom you differ. At other times, resolution may be possible, but reconciliation inappropriate—such as in the case of adultery or cult entrapment
God requires only that, as far as it is possible, you seek to be at peace with everyone.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
CONCLUSION
there are 3 kinds of Conflicts.. intrapersonal..interpersonal.. and inter group.. This is an area that we need the help of the Lord.. we need to examine hearts..
Imagine right now a hook attached to your collarbone. And imagine all the pain attached to the hook that is a result of the wrong that was done to you.
• Ask yourself, Do I really want to carry all this pain with me for the rest of my life? The Lord wants you to take the pain from the past and release it into His hands.
• Then take the offender off of your emotional hook and place that person onto God’s hook. The Lord knows how to deal with your offender.... Jesus taught us to be concerned for others..
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him,
and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”