Kingdom Living for the Family.Step Families
Kingdom Living for the Family
Pastor E. Keith Hassell
“Step Families”
Foundation Scripture: Isaiah 42:22 (NKJV)“But this is a people robbed and plundered; all of them are snared in holes, and they are hidden in prison houses; they are for prey, and no one delivers; for plunder, and no one says, ‘Restore!’”
I. Step families can’t be ignored[1]
A. Forty-six percent of marriages today are remarriages for one or both partners.
B. The rate of divorce for remarriages with stepchildren is fifty percent higher than in those without stepchildren
C. Approximately one-third of all children under the age of eighteen are living in a stepfamily home.
D. One out of three Americans is now a stepparent, stepchild, stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily.
E. More than half of all Americans living today will live in at least one step-situation during their lifetime.
F. By the year 2010 it is predicted there will be more stepfamilies in the U.S. than any other type of family.
G. The remarriage divorce rate continues at sixty percent. Put another way, fifty percent of U.S. children will see their parents divorce and fifty percent of those children will see at least one parent divorce a second time.
II. Step-families face unique challenges
A. Marital intimacy after being hurt in a former marriage
B. Parenting biological children in a step-family environment
C. Co-parenting children with the ex-spouse
D. Step-parenting someone else’s children
E. Questions about spiritual status and church acceptance
F. The task of making one family out of two
G. Dealing with ex-spouses
H. Helping hurting children adjust emotionally and spiritually
I. Handling sexual pressures between unrelated persons
J. Issues of money management—yours, mine, ours
K. Holidays, weekends, and special days
L. Extended family (grandparents, etc.)
III. The Church in Denial
A. Some churches pretend step-families don’t exist
B. Some step-families remain “closet step-families” in hopes of not being “discovered”
C. Some step-families do not attend church because they feel socially shunned or spiritually judged by the church
D. Some step-families wonder if they are accepted by God, hindering their ability to pursue spiritual things
E. Step-families that visit a church discover subtle messages that communicate “step-families are not wanted here”
F. Many churches are not prepared to minister to the unique needs of step-families.
IV. Step Families Need Ministry Too
A. Ministering to step families is not about being pro-divorce or pro-adultery
B. This is like saying that ministering to sick people makes you pro-illness
C. Ministering to step-families is about divorce prevention and family success
D. Ministering to step-families is about God’s redemption, healing, and restoration
V. The Road to Redemption
A. No 1: Discover the God of redemption
1. Romans 5:6-11 (NKJV) “For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.”
2. God loves you!
3. God wants to forgive you!
4. God wants to heal you!
5. God wants to give you hope! (future)
B. No 2: Adjust your expectations
1. Don’t expect a step-family to be like a biological family
2. Don’t expect children to be happy about your new marriage
3. Don’t expect children to be happy about living in a new family
4. Don’t expect children to be excited about having a new step-parent
5. Don’t expect children to accept you like their biological parent
6. Don’t expect ex-spouses to cooperate or make things easy
7. Don’t expect that misunderstandings will not arise in your marriage over yours, mine, and our children
C. No 3: Establish a New Family
1. Establish realistic expectations
a Realistic expectations allows relationships to develop naturally
2. Establish family communication
a Communication keeps people stay connected
3. Establish the foundation of God’s word
a God’s word for families applies to step-families also
4. Establish family rules
a Every step-family will have to decide on the new rules that govern this new family
5. Establishing sexual and privacy boundaries due to
a Confusion about the physical relationship
b Insecurity of stepdaughters toward their step-fathers
c Sexual behavior between two different sets of children
d Suggestions
1) Develop a healthy marriage to help alleviate insecurity
2) Establish sexual boundaries
3) Establish a dress code in the home
6. Establish spiritual goals
a What part will God have in the new family?
b How will church involvement factor in?
c What does this mean for each one involved?
D. No 4: Make your marriage priority
1. Every family, even step-families, is built on the marriage relationship.
2. Healthy relationships in the family are the result of a healthy relationship in the marriage.
3. A healthy marriage relationship is based on the health of each partner.
4. The health of each marriage partner is determined by each one’s relationship with God.
5. The Marriage Triangle. God is at the top. The husband and wife are at the lower two corners. As they grow closer to God, they grow closer to each other.
6. If building a strong marriage is not the priority in a step-family, then it will result in a weak family unit.
E. No 5: Form a parenting team (Parents, Co-parents, Step-parents)
1. Parenting biological children
a Communicate with your children
b Help them understand how things will be different
c Require respect for the new step-parent
d Enlist their cooperation
e Involve the step-parent in decisions
f Establish a united front in discipline
2. Co-parenting biological children with the ex-spouse
a Distinguish between your ex-spouse and the children
b Don’t criticize and downgrade the children’s other parent (This will usually backfire. Children want their parents to get along.)
c Control your anger and frustration with your ex-spouse
d Learn to forgive and move forward
e Learn to respect the other parent and their household
f Learn to cooperate on issues regarding the child’s welfare.
g Be willing to sacrifice personal needs for the sake of teamwork
3. Step-parenting someone else’s children
a Don’t try to replace the child’s parent
b Enjoy the relationship you have now
1) Relationships usually begin on a buddy level
c Have realistic expectations of new role (as step-parent)
1) Personality issues
2) Acceptance issues
3) Loyalty issues
4) Trust issues
5) Partiality issues (biological vs. step)
6) Responsibility issues
d Be patient and grow into your new role
e Avoid partiality and favoritism
f Avoid discipline without relationship
g Work with the child’s parent to resolve issues
F. No 6: Seek healing for every individual
1. Step-families don’t form in a vacuum
2. Step-families are the result of loss (grief)
a Death of a spouse
b Death of a marriage (death or divorce)
c Loss of a relationship (ex-spouse)
d Loss of the ideal marriage
e Loss of the ideal family
f Loss for grandparents
g Loss for children (they no longer live with both parents)
h Loss for friends (friends are separated by issues of loyalty)
i Loss of living conditions (house, neighborhood, city, etc.)
3. Loss brings by-products
a Fear (of the future)
b Anger (who’s responsible?)
4. Identify the loss for each member (observe, listen)
5. Talk about losses openly and honestly
6. Seek God’s pathway for healing
7. Get help if necessary (personal, marital or family counseling)
G. No 7: Move forward in faith
1. Life may not turn out the way you wanted, but it can be good
2. Learn from the past
a Philippians 3:12-14 (NKJV) “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
3. Look forward in faith
a Joshua 1:1-2 (NKJV) “After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, it came to pass that the Lord spoke to Joshua the son of Nun, Moses’ assistant, saying: ‘Moses My servant is dead. Now therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, to the land which I am giving to them—the children of Israel.’”
4. Model God’s family redemption
VI. Review:
A. No. 1: Discover the God of redemption
B. No. 2: Adjust your expectations
C. No. 3: Establish a new family
D. No. 4: Strengthen your marriage
E. No. 5: Commit to parenting as a team
F. No. 6: Seek healing for every individual
G. No. 7: Move forward in faith
VII. Response to the Word
A. No. 1: Get started on the road to redemption
B. No. 2: Give your life to Jesus
C. No. 3: Give your family to Jesus
D. No. 4: Allow God to heal and restore
E. No. 5: Commit to building on God’s word
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[1] Ron L. Deal, The Smart Step-Family (Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 2002), p. 253.