Restoration After An Offense

There is a story from the previous century in which the pastor and the minister of music were having issues. They dealt with the conflict in the manner that most staff do. They ignored it. Eventually they began to take their issues public but in a passive aggressive style. They did not confront one another. They merely insinuated their dislike for each other through their respective ministries.

The pastor’s sermon one week was on commitment and how each member should dedicate themselves to the service of God through the various ministries of the church. He made no mention of the music ministry. For the song of dedication the minister of music choose, "I Shall Not Be Moved." The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord so that the church could support their missionaries throughout the world. He failed to mention if additional support would go toward the music ministry. For the song of dedication the minister of music choose "Jesus Paid it All." The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. During the sermon he glared at the minister of music who sat in the first pew. For the song of dedication the minister of music choose, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. For the song of dedication the minister of music choose, "Oh Why Not Tonight?" As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. For the song of dedication the minister of music choose, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

This is not the way to handle conflict in a church. This form of passive aggressive behavior is destructive to the relationship between two or more people and the congregation. There is very little chance for reconciliation or restoration. Wrongs are tallied and analyzed like a fanatical baseball fan reviewing the statistics for his favorite team.

Throughout each gospel Jesus instructs his disciples on how they are to live with one another. Its obvious from his early interactions with them that they are to form a unique community that demonstrates their love for one another quite differently than the secular world.

In the prayer that Jesus gives to his disciples, they learn that they are to forgive wrongs they suffer from others just as the Father forgives them.

Matthew 6:14 NIV84

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Shortly before his death he gave them a new command to love one another.

John 15:12 NIV84

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

The Catholic mystic Thomas Merton, writes:

When all this has been said, the truth remains that our destiny is to love one another.

Thomas Merton

Now in Matthew we have instructions about what should happen when another person has wronged us. Rather than go through the instructions I would like to comment on some principles that I thought of while I was meditating on the passage

Matthew 6:14 NIV84

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Shortly before his death he gave them a new command to love one another.

John 15:12 NIV84

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

Now in Matthew we have instructions what should happen when another person has wronged us. Rather than go through the instructions I would like to comment on some principles that I thought of while I was meditating on the passage

This is a difficult passage to base

The Offense Effects the Whole Community/Church

The first principle that stands out for me is the importance of holding each other accountable. It one person has offended another, the whole community suffers. Typically, offenses are ignore or buried. This is not healthy because the offense is not forgot. It just hides until another incident occurs. Then the injured party explodes in anger and leaves the church.

One Sunday I was standing at the door greeting people. I was the seminary intern assisting the pastor. It all happened in a flash. People were going downstairs to the fellowship hall when an elder came up the stairs at a furious pace and with an angry look on his face. I made an attempt to find of if there was a problem but his parting words were, “I’m leaving.”

I discovered latter that he had gotten into a heated exchange of words with a woman over the children taking too many cookies from the table. She wanted them to wait until the adults went through the line first. The children being small cut in front of a few adults. They may have had small hands but they were quite adept at grabbing more than a handful and squiring off quickly. She had scolded them. The elder who had witnessed this defended the children. There was an exchange of opinions between the two and neither was going to back down.

I latter learned that this man was carrying a whole list of complaints for quite some time against this woman. She could be petty and controlling at times but she was one of the unofficial leaders of the church.

There was no compromise or willingness to reconcile. The offended family did not return to the church while I was there.

This passage causes many serious problems when used improperly. It most often is used

Grievances that are not address are like a cancer. You may not notice them directly but that does not mean they are not damaging the body.

The Goal is Reconciliation and Restoration

The Goal is Reconciliation and Restoration

The second principle that I glean from the passage is the goal of accountability. It is not revenge. It is not punishment. It is not to inflict retaliation. The goal is reconciliation and restoration.

Matthew 18:15 NIV84

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

It is not until the other person will not listen to the whole church are they to be excluded from the fellowship. Many scholars do not believer that these words as they are written are the words of Jesus. In this passage he uses the word church. That word was not used by the NT community until well after his death and resurrection. Second in this passage he advises the disciples to exclude people and treat them like tax collectors or pagans. This runs contrary to his style that reached out to the tax collectors.

I believe that you can exclude people and still be loving because you are excluding them for unrepentant sin. As soon as they repent you restore them to the fellowship. However, the church has historically used this passage to justify excluding people permanently. Nathaniel Hawthrone’s classic The Scarlet Letter. The book opens at Hester Prynne’s trial. She has been found guilty of adultery. She carries the evidence that convicted her in her arms. As punishment, she must wear a big scarlet letter “A” upon her chest for an undisclosed length of time. Her partner is known only to her and she will not disclose his name. He must confess his own sin himself.

The conservative Puritan village made no attempt to restore her to fellowship. They banished her. Mothers would take their children and walk on the other side of the street. No one would talk to her when she went into the village to purchase items. Few if any one visited her. She and her daughter lived alone on the outside of town. Ironically, between Hester, her lover and her husband, she is the only one of the three who is healed.

How much different things would be if we approached one another with the goal of reconciling to full fellowship.

The Process Requires Humility and Vulnerability

To be effective this process requires humility and vulnerability. There is a tendency in confrontations for each party to attempt to act superior. Think of the interaction between President Trump and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. They are playing a grade school game of one ups-man-ship. It would be funny if they did not have the launch code for their country’s nuclear weapons.

Unless both parties come away feeling like winners, both are losers. This requires humility and vulnerability.

They are attributes that can and must be cultivated. Their essence is a sense of unguardedness and a willingness to change. To accomplish this we must foster an acceptance that we are all learning and we even as we confront we may learn something about ourselves that God wants to change.

Humility requires admitting that you are not perfect nor do you know everything. It is the attribute that says admits a willingness to learn.

Church Discipline

Few congregations performed church discipline. It is a dangerous step in the relationship. When I have been confronted by another person I was embarrassed. I was guilty of letting a personal vendetta cloud my vision. I had to disciplined. I also know how difficult confronting someone over a matter is. Most often people are offended and stop coming to the particular church. But we will never grow in Christ and become who we were meant to be unless we are willing to risk.

Most often people are offended and stop coming to the particular church. But we will never grow in Christ and become who we were meant to be unless we are willing to risk.