Marriage - Fulfillment within God Ordained Roles

Introduction:

The roles as described here in are something that have been debated, rejected, critisized, abused, misconstrued, and rebelled against. Our world is selling us the idea that in order to be a more civilized society we need to disavow gender roles and identities. This passage is often rejected by this crowd it is viewed as a male dominant passage meant to keep women in bondage. However, it is this rejection of and rebellion against and the the Word of God that is leading our society to redesign and restructure marriage and the roles each gender plays in the marriage.

When we begin to question the Word of God and redesign things to meet our thoughts and our thinking we enter a dangerous mind field of being at odds with the Heavenly Father. It is not for us to reject or redesign God’s plan of marriage, but instead, for us to fully understand what God wants from each of us so that we can invest everything God intended for us to in this thing we call marriage.

I. Mutual Submission - 5:21

Many people seek to use this verse to simply allow for the dismissal for those that follow. This is not God’s intent nor the human author of this book. He is simply pointing to the fact that each person within the confines of the marriage has needs and desires that the other party should be attentive of and to so that the person feels loved and supported within the relationship.

So often we are focused on ourselves; our desires, our goals, our ambitons, and our dreams. While it certainly isn’t wrong for each individual to have any of these things it is the contention of God that when we are in a marital relationship that we take note of those same desires, goals, ambitions, and dreams of our spouse. Once we know those things our spouse desires it is our responsibilty to show submission to them. In other words, we are to come to a place where we encourage, support, and propel our spouses so that they can succeed and experience those desires in their life.

It is important to note here that while each spouse is to submit to the other there are times that we have to realize our need to defer or disseminate some of our personal ambitions for the good of our family or our relationship with one another. This is why it must be a mutual effort on the part of both parties involved to come to a place of submission, one to another.

II. Female Submission - 5:22-24

The author here will issue a command to the wife and utilize an illustration through a simile. He issues the command, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord”. The wife is to submit to the husband. We know that man is not perfect. Husbands sin to, they mess up, and sometimes they are bad examples for their wives and their children. So, why should wives submit themselves to their husbands in the same way as they do to the Lord? Understand that Paul is writing to the church at Ephesus and therefore, he is writing to Christians. He is not writing to the heathen. Paul is writing with the idea that Christian husbands know that they are fallible and that wives know their husbands are fallible. It would be foolish for a man to expect his wife to submit to him when that which he wants her to do is in violation of the Word of God. Christian husbands should not assume that they will always be right and that they will never act in the flesh. As we compare Scripture we find that Paul also stated, “Follow me as I follow Christ.” So, this tells us that the command is that the wife is to submit to her husband as he follows and obeys Christ.

While husbands want their wives to submit they often miss that their wives only have the biblical mandate to submit as it would pleasing and acceptable to the Lord. For instance, if a man tells his wife to go rob a bank with him, she is not compelled to submit to such silly and unholy requests.

After the command the author then gives us an illustration that helps us understand biblical submission. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.” In this simile the Bible puts the husband in the place of Christ and the wife in the place of the church. Christ is the head of the church. The church is to be submissive to the will of Christ. While the church’s submission to Christ has no limitations such cannot be said of the wife’s submission to her husband. Why? Well, while the husband is placed in the role of Christ in relation to the simile we know that the husband is far from the perfect, sinless, holy, pure, and righteous person that Christ embodied. The husband is not perfect, therefore, the wife is not to submit to her husband in the exact same way as the Church is to submit to Christ, but the relationship in submission between the two are like one another. The church must ALWAYS submit to Christ for Christ is perfect. The wife is to submit to her husband as he is in alignment with Christ and His Word.

Female Submission, therefore, is the wife yeilding her will to the leadership of her husband in all things as he directs her and their children in the way of the Lord. There are many pitfalls that Satan would love to entrap us in as we examine this idea of wives submitting to their husbands. Let us examine a few that will help enlighten us on how to accomplish this role.

A. Outright Rejection

Many women today would reject the command from God to submit to her husbands. It is viewed as devaluing women to enforce submission to their husbands. The truth, however, is that for a woman to reject this clear command from Scripture is to devalue the headship of Christ over the church. God made the comparison of the husband to Christ and the wife to the church. This was not something conjured up in the minds of your husband to obtain compliance. This was a God-given command with a God-given example of how it is to work.

When the wife rejects the command to submit she devalues Christ position over the church. In essence, she does to her husband what the church has so many times done to Christ. Would we advocate disobedience to Christ on the part of the church? Of course, not. Christ is the head of the church and the church should submit to Christ in all things. Well, the wife is the church in this God-given example. The wife should yield to the leadership of her husband in all things as he directs her and their children int he way of the Lord. It is understandable to note that the husband is not Jesus. He has faults and failures. His leadership is not always right or best or holy. His example many times is flawed. However, when the husband is following Christ the wife should be in submission to him. She may have another opinion or desire, but it is not up to her to reject his direction as He is not advocating something that violates the Word of God. For a wife to refuse to submit to the husband is to devalue Christ’s headship of the church. When the wife submits to her husband, however, she is not devalued. She actually becomes the best version of herself. She fulfills the role that God designed for her. We can never be devalued when we are fullfilling the will of Christ through our lives.

B. Misplaced Blame

The second pitfall we should look at is that while the wife does not reject outright the idea or command of submission to her husband she sometimes will use misplaced blame to deem the command void. “Well, he is not following Christ, so I do not have to submit to him”. While some wives will reject God’s plan for submission in their life others will simply avoid the command by placing blame upon their husband for not following Christ in his leadership.

Husbands must be attentive to their leadership and regularly evaluate if it is aligned with God’s Word. Husbands when you realize your leadership violates the Bible it is your responsibility to right the ship and return to a submission to the Word of God. If you expect submission from your wife it is imperative that you lead her the way that Christ has outlined in his Word.

Wives, disagreeing with your husband does not mean that he is not following Christ. If you are placing blame on your husband for your refusal to submit when in reality it is simply a matter of disagreeing with your husband then you are falling right into Satan’s trap. Don’t blame your husband for your lack of submission to him because you disagree with his conclusions.

If you have reservations about his decisions then talk TO HIM about your concerns. Include Scripture in your discussion to help him understand your concerns. After that trust God to work on your husband’s heart and resolve to submit to your husband regardless of the outcome.

If your husband is leading you to do something that clearly contradicts Scripture then this is different than misplaced blame. Often times, however, wives simply choose not to submit because they disagree, not because the husband is refusing to follow Scripture.

III. Male Headship - 5:25-33

Paul continues his simile in these verse to speak to the men’s headship over the wife. Once again we see Paul using a command in relation to the simile. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Love your wives. How much should we love our wives? As much as Christ loved the church. How much did Christ love the church? He died for it. He put himself on the line. He sacrificed his body so that the church could go free. He bled and died so that the church could be cleansed from sin, made holy through Him, and presented as a glorious church.

Paul continues, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; bu nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.” Paul shows us what Christ did for the church. As the wife represents the church so ought we to love our wives.

Men, before you got married your choices only effected you. When you made those choices you made them based on what was best for you and what was most beneficial for your desires, goals, and ambitions. The Bible teaches that when you get married your choices no longer just effect you. You are not to make choices based on how it benefits or hurts you, but that your life is now meant to be attentive to the desires, ambitions, and goals of your wife. Christ died for the church. Christ left heaven, left his throne, left his comforts, left his beautiful surroundings and surrendered himself to the death of the cross, all so that the church could be set free, cleansed of sin, and made righteous before God. He ensured their acceptance into a holy place by a holy God though they themselves were unholy.

Men, if we are to treat our wives as Christ treated the church then our decisions ought to bring our wives into closer fellowship with the heavenly Father for is that not why Christ died? Did Christ not die to bring us to the place of fellowship with the Father? So, our lives ought to be devoted to loving our wives enough that how we excercise our headship allows for our wives to come closer to the Father. Our decisions and leadership, therefore, ought to be bible based and help bring you and your wife into a closer walk with God.

Male headship therefore, is the husband exhibiting love for his wife by fulfilling his responsibility to actively and wholly serve Christ and his wife through selfless acts that allows his wife to see Christ’s love in his.

There are mistakes a husband can make that prevent him from performing this headship in a Christ-like manner. Let us examine a few of these.

A. Tunnel Vision

In the area of it is very easy for men to develop tunnel vision. It is easy to see verse 22 and ignore the rest of the passage. She should just follow what I say. She should follow my leadership. Well, the problem with tunnel vision is that is does not allow us to see the whole picture. It blinds us to the rest of the passage. Knowing that Paul spends more time on defining and developing our headship than he does on the wife’s submission should indicate to us that there is more to than verse 22.

B. Self Focus

So many times our wives come to us with concerns. They are lovingly and respectfully approaching us with flaws in our headship that are true and valid. In our pride we reject their concerns by telling them to submit. Oh, we may not say that directly, but what we say and how we say it reveals to our wives that our headship has less to do with leading her to follow Christ and more to do with making you the focus of your life together. We often make decisions based upon what we want rather than what is best for her walk with God and your walk with God. As a result you make your relationship all about you rather than the relationship it is supposed to reflect; the relationship between Christ and the Church.

When the focus of your relationship becomes you rather than Christ then you devalue the love and sacrifice that Christ had for the church. In doing so, you devalue your wife. So, when she submits to you she feels devalued and responds by seeing Christ’s command to submit to her husband as something that devalues her. It leads her to take her focus off of Christ when the opposite should be true.

Conclusion:

So many marriages are failing. In most cases, they end with one spouse accusing the other of missing the mark as a spouse. While there are instances where the break down of a marriage is due to one spouse simply making a unilateral decision to do what they want and dismiss the needs and desires of the other, on most occasions it could likely be identified that both the husband and wife simply missed the mark in relation their own responsibilty found in . Let us build strong marriages by excercising mutual submission, understanding the biblical principle of the wife’s submission, and examining the husband’s headship through the lense of the Word of God rather than Tunnel Vision and Self Focus.

God’s plan for marriage is perfect. It does not value the man over the wife or vice versa. God places value on both the husband and the wife by giving them specific, bible based roles that bring honor to God and point others to Christ.