Why I Changed My Mind About Getting Married
Why I Changed My Mind About Getting Married
http://lifestyle.sympatico.msn.ca/
!! There is one really good reason to marry the one you love.
I came of age without succumbing to many visions of white gowns, flowers and a tall, dark and handsome husband. In fact, when the other little girls were putting their mothers’ skirts on their heads as veils while playing wedding, I was playing with my dad’s cast-off briefcase, trying on his oversized blazers and fantasizing about a glamorous, high-powered career sans husband and children. As a child, and even during adolescence and early adulthood, the appeal of marriage evaded me. Growing Up
In the neighbourhood in which I grew up, with very few exceptions, married women stayed at home, looked after the children, kept the house clean and had dinner ready when their husbands arrived home from work. The women got together and gossiped, and yes, on occasion, engaged in rather prolonged grievance sessions about their husbands. Meanwhile, I was encouraged to pursue my interests and follow my dreams and I fantasized about being a movie star, a reporter or a clinical psychologist. The idea of marriage and children lacked glamour and seemed at odds with my career ambitions.
Divorce Stories
Over the years, some of my friends’ parents split up. Apparently, some couples were indeed unable to sustain the same excitement and love for each other after years and years together. At age 9, my best friend at the time informed me that her parents were divorcing. When I asked why, she drew me a picture of her mother standing alone on one side of the page and her father on the other side of the page with another women, hearts hovering above their heads. My friend and her mother moved to a much smaller house, and her mother struggled to re-enter the workforce and adjust to life as a single parent. As I witnessed similar scenarios, I increasingly came to recognize that marriages don’t always work out and when they fall apart, a lot more than love can be lost.
School Days
In high school, particularly my senior year, I dated a fair bit, but I made sure I always had lots of time to hang out with friends, do my schoolwork and work at my part time job. I had plans to graduate at the top of my class, to take a trip to Europe with my best friend and to go on to attend one of the best universities in the country, and no guy was going to get in the way. Some of the girls in my graduating class got pregnant. Of these, some got married. I remember asking my friend (rather judgmentally) “Can you imagine throwing your life away like that?” “Not right now,” she replied. I thought, probably, not ever.
Falling In Love Changes Everything
In university, I fell madly in love, much to my initial dismay. My intellect was telling me to stay single, play the field, keep things light, but my heart had other ideas. When my boyfriend first broached the subject of marriage, I was dead set against it. I went so far as to brand people who felt the need to get married, who needed a piece of paper to validate their relationship, needy and insecure. Why, I asked, could we not just be content to live together? Marriage was an institution I simply felt no need to be a part of.
As my relationship with my boyfriend deepened, I came to realize I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Still, there was a part of me that didn’t trust this, a voice inside my head which told me the future was uncertain and there was no way of knowing100 per cent for certain that the relationship would last a lifetime. Plus, I reasoned, if you are lucky enough to find a life partner, what difference does it make whether you made it legal or not?
Marriage, On Our Own Terms
Slowly, my thinking started to shift. I realized marriage isn’t really about committing to being part of an institution, it’s about committing to another person, and that getting married needn’t take away our power to define our relationship however we chose.
I remained skeptical of the “wedding industrial complex,” the obsessive focus upon a single day, out-of-control spending and adherence to dated traditions. I wanted our wedding to reflect who we were as a couple and it did. It ended up being a celebration not only of our love for each other, but also of how fortunate we were to have so many people in our lives who cared about us. Though I had been careful not to succumb to what I thought were unrealistic expectations, it truly was one of the most joyous days of my life.
Before we were married, I jokingly warned my husband not to expect me to suddenly start ironing his shirts and stipulated that there would be no way we would be sending posed pictures of us in matching holiday sweaters with our Christmas cards. We have indeed managed to avoid such clichés and I wish I could say that since we got married people have refrained from asking us repeatedly when we plan to have children, but alas, apparently some clichés become clichés for a reason!
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an argument for marriage
Our marriage has been beautiful and rewarding so far. More rewarding than the relationships of unmarried couples I know? Well, not necessarily. But in today’s rather cynical and uncertain world, in a world in which it is so well publicized that 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce, it strikes me as beautiful and hopeful that so many people still choose to have ceremonies in which they pledge their eternal love for each other.