Pop Psychology

Having supportive, honest people in your life can make a huge difference in your overall happiness (and theirs). But fostering friendships that go beyond the surface can be a challenge—they take a lot of time and energy, and it can feel awkward at first. If you want to build deeper connections with your friends, here's how to get started.

Evaluate Your Relationships

Take a closer look at your current friendships. Whether your friendship started at work, childhood, college, or elsewhere, ask yourself the following questions (and be honest with your answers).

Which friendships need a deeper connection?

Are you really "close" to your close friends or do you just talk about superficial topics?

Who supports you the most?

Who do you enjoy being around the most?

Which relationships do you want to spend extra effort on?

If you usually see someone in a group, you'll need to make an effort to see them one on one to create a deeper connection. You likely won't find these questions easy to answer, but you can't figure out which relationships to focus on otherwise.

Have you taken the time to evaluate your relationship with God?

Plan Conversation Sparking Activities

To build your friendship, you should make plans that encourage conversation—like going to an art exhibit, taking a class, or cooking together.

Lori Deschene, writing on Tiny Buddha, explains how these kinds of conversations can help you build deeper connections:

The first step to feeling more loved is creating close relationships, and that starts with meaningful, engaged conversations. These don't necessarily need to be deep and spiritual in nature. They just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal.

If you haven't spent time with your friend in a while, reconnect by sharing what you've learned since the two of you last caught up.

Are you doing activities with God that you can talk with him about? Helping others, personal witnessing, being in nature, etc.

Don't Shy Away from Difficult Talks

It isn't your responsibility to be your social circle's therapist, but diving into more emotional subjects can bring you closer. Take a deep breath and ask difficult check-in questions like "How are you really doing?" Once, a friend told me that they were taking a break from school due to some personal issues. I felt like a terrible friend because I had no idea they were struggling. If I'd made the effort to check-in with them and see how they were really doing, I wouldn't have been blindsided by the news.

If you're trying to rekindle a friendship that used to be much deeper, you should be honest with the person and tell them what you want from the friendship. Think of a few ways to express yourself beforehand so that you can keep talking even if you're overwhelmed by emotion. An example is: "I feel like we have been drifting apart. I really enjoy your friendship. How do you feel? Can we make an effort to become better friends again?"

Don't shy away from topics just because talking about them is difficult. If you notice changes in your friend's behavior, ask them about it.

Are you having the difficult conversations with God? David, Moses, Abraham, Daniel, Paul...

Create Time to Be Supportive of Them

Deeper relationships take more time and effort to maintain, so make sure you set time aside in your schedule to do just that. Of course, you both probably have a lot on your plates, so make a "no guilt agreement" so that if plans do get cancelled, your friendship can stay strong without neediness or passive-aggressive communication.

Provide support to your loved one as much as you can and they will likely return the effort. Jeff Haden, writing on Inc., describes why:

The person who builds great relationships doesn't think about what she wants; she starts by thinking about what she can give. She sees giving as the best way to establish a real relationship and a lasting connection. She approaches building relationships as if it's all about the other person and not about her, and in the process builds relationships with people who follow the same approach.

Are you creating time for God? Are you only a taker or also a giver in the relationship? How can you do more of the things that God wants and needs?

Whether you're an introvert, an extrovert, or a mix of both, maintaining strong relationships is essential to your well being. Follow the tips above and you'll be able to cultivate deeper connections with those in your life.

How a Friendship with Jesus is Asymmetrical and Unlike our Human Friendships

John 15:12–15 ESV

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

The only kind of friendship possible for a God and a Creature to have.

A One-sided Friendship.

We are loved with THE GREATEST LOVE.

He lay down his life for us. (not equality, not reciprocity)

We obey. (not a condition of the friendship, but a result of the friendship) - God doesn’t obey us. Not the obedience of a slave, but of a friend.

We are not kept in the dark. We are informed - He informs us.

Jesus is the son who brings his friends into the household of the Father. We become a part of the heavenly family. He brings us up, we don’t bring him down.