Leading a Unified, Gospel-Centered Home

Disciplining and instructing our children can be one of the most rewarding practices in the homes of believers. It can also be one of the most challenging practices. There are so many variables that parents are trying to discern:

Was the child just exploring?

Did the child do the deed as an act of agression or rebellion?

What is the temperament of the child?

James Dobson in his book on the Strong Willed Child sites material that speaks of three different major kinds of child temperaments:

(i) The Compliant Child

(2) The Slow to Warm Up (Shy) Child

(3) The Defiant (strong-willed) Child

From studies, it has been shown that up to 70% of the personality of a child is actually inherited.

Illustration:

Consider the brothers known in the Minnesota study as the “Jim twins,” who were separated until they were thirty-nine years old. Their similarities were astonishing. Both married a woman named Linda. Both had a dog named Toy. Both suffered from migraine headaches. Both chain-smoked. Both liked the same brand of beer. Both drove Chevys, and both served as sheriff’s deputies. Their personalities and attitudes were virtual carbon copies. 14 Though this degree of symmetry is exceptional, it illustrates the finding that most identical twins reveal surprising similarities in personality that are linked to heredity. [Dobson, James C.. The New Strong-Willed Child (p. 48). Tyndale Momentum. Kindle Edition.]

Dobson, James C.. The New Strong-Willed Child (p. 48). Tyndale Momentum. Kindle Edition.

Dobson, James C.. The New Strong-Willed Child (p. 48). Tyndale Momentum. Kindle Edition.

How are differences in temperaments to be handled? How are parents to discipline and instruct? Modern theory has promoted the “POSITIVE DISCIPLINE” model:

“The goal of discipline is not to control children and make them obey but to give them skills for making decisions, gradually gaining self-control, and being responsible for their own behavior.” Instead of telling a child, “Don’t hit the kitty” or “Stop kicking the table,” they suggest that parents say, “Touch the kitty gently” or “Keep your feet on the floor.” [Dobson, James C.. The New Strong-Willed Child (p. 43). Tyndale Momentum. Kindle Edition.]

Dobson, James C.. The New Strong-Willed Child (p. 43). Tyndale Momentum. Kindle Edition.

What are believers called to? How should Christians discipline and why should they discipline?

The book of Ephesians is a great letter on several key truths about one thing:

(1) Chapter One - God’s work in Christ to put us into Jesus Christ (making us one)

(2) Chapter Two & Three - God’s mercy in making us a new creature in Christ and making us one in the church

(3) Chapter Four - How we are to maintain the unity that we actually have in the Holy Spirit.

(4) Chapter Five & Six - What unity in relationships looks like for those who are submissive to the Holy Spirit.

(5) Chapter Six (end) - How to maintain unity as we corporately war against Satan.

The truth is that it is possible to lead our homes in a unified, gospel-centered way so that we can have a church that is unified for God’s glory.

As the church is made up of many different relationships, it is imperative that these relationships understand what it means to be unified and how this is possible so that the integrity of the body of Christ is not weakened.

Proposition:

So, to fathers (and mothers), it is imperative that we lead our homes in a way that praises God for the cost that He paid to make us One! (the blood of Christ)

Is Training of Children Infringing on Their Liberty to Choose?

Coleridge, the English poet, was once talking with a man who expressed the opinion that he did not believe in giving little children any religious instruction whatsoever. His theory was that the child should not be prejudiced in any direction, until arriving at the years of discretion, he should be permitted to choose for himself his religious opinions.

Coleridge said nothing; he took his visitor out into an unkept garden where weeds were growing in abundance. The surprised visitor exclaimed, “Why this is not a garden! There is nothing here but “weeds!”

“Well, you see,” explained Coleridge, “I did not wish to infringe upon the liberty of the garden in any way. I was just giving the garden a chance to express itself and make its own choices.”

Macartney’s Illustrations

Galaxie Software. (2002). 10,000 Sermon Illustrations. Biblical Studies Press.

Intro/Exegetical Work:

(1) The leaders of the home just as accountable as the children of the home

(a) To not exasperate or provoke them to anger

Above all else, he warns fathers against goading their children into a state of perpetual resentment (parorgizete, cf. ).

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

Fathers must not make unreasonable demands. Otherwise children, being overcorrected, may lose heart ().

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

(b) To bring them up:

The verb translated “bring up” (ektrephete) has to do in the first place with bodily nourishment ()

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

(i) Nurture (discipline & training)

this word is too weak to capture the full intention

(ii) Admonition

“Instruction” (nouthesia) is correction by word of mouth. Remonstration and reproof are implied, but also advice and encouragement. Goodspeed saw here the beginnings of Christian education in the home.

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

1. Train for God’s Glory () - , ,

(1) the gospel confronts cultural norms (in the Greaco-Roman culture, the father ruled as an authoritarian)

(2) this means that it is not just children who have an accountability. The leaders (fathers) have an accountability

they are accountable to God - this is God commanding.

they are accountable to those in the home.

(3) the gospel has given to fathers a new place where their identity is found - “in Christ” not in the dominance of others

(4) the gospel not only brings new life inwardly, but the gospel enables the believer to live out according to a new gospel-ethic ().

Application:

This means that when you a tendency to NOT discipline, you must go back to your accountability to the Lord and to what is really at stake.

There are many other reasons for which you could NOT train and discipline your children:

You can resist correction because you feel bad

You can resist discipline because you are just simply tired

You can restist discipline because you just don’t like it

But, in the end, training and shaping your family is ultimately a matter of God’s glory. Your desire to lead in a way that is consistent with the gospel is so that God will be glorifed and Jesus will be exalted.

Then, there are those whom are found in the Ephesian culture. These are those to whom Paul had to tell them NOT to “provoke” (exasperate) to “anger”.

Above all else, he warns fathers against goading their children into a state of perpetual resentment (parorgizete, cf. ). [ Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.]

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

This is a type of overbearing, harsh, demanding, unreasonable provocation. The test for whether your discipline is this kind is whether your child is trained to find his value, identity, worth in compliance.

A child who is so harshly spoken to and disciplined that they find their value, worth, or identity in compliance will come to several tipping points:

* Either they will never be able to do enough, and they become discouraged.

* OR they will comply to a degree that they feel they can never make a decision about anything.

* Or they will come to a point where they rebel against all that you hold to.

Other motives for discipline:

You can discipline so others see how much control you have

You can discipline so that you can enjoy peace of mind

You can discipline

Unity in the home comes by God’s work. Unity comes as we find our identity in Christ. Unity comes as we submit to God’s Spirit. Unity comes as we cast down all other potential identities - INCLUDING compliance. We must train with God’s glory in view.

2. Train for Greater Hatred and Greater Love - ;

(*) To bring them up:

The verb translated “bring up” (ektrephete) has to do in the first place with bodily nourishment ()

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

(i) Nurture (discipline & training)

this word is too weak to capture the full intention

(ii) Admonition

“Instruction” (nouthesia) is correction by word of mouth. Remonstration and reproof are implied, but also advice and encouragement. Goodspeed saw here the beginnings of Christian education in the home.

Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Ephesians through Philemon (Vol. 11, p. 82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

Overly harsh discipline can lead to a discouraged young person.

When discipline happens, it should be followed up with a time of very explicit gospel-instruction.

* Even though you did that, God still loves you, and I still love you.

* Even though we are sinners, Christ (the innocent One) suffered the ultimate discipline/whoopin')

* Anyone who has Jesus, He gives them the power to overcome sin, like what you did.

Our desire is that the child would grow to admire the mercy of God and grow to more deeply hate sin.

Example: In your practice of living this out, you must show them love and reconciliation once the discipline has been dispensed.

Illustration: "Mercy" - We were young parents and ignorant of what we were doing. Only God knew that this would come full circle. From the time our children were little we taught them this word....

3. Instruct in the Gospel for the Edification of others - “of the Lord” (approved of, consistent with, prescribed of) - , , ,

Teach them a morality that is rooted in the gospel and completely dependent upon God's Holy Spirit.

Illustration 538

Raising Moral Kids

Topics: Children; Empathy; Family; Morality; Values

References: ; , ;

Eighty-one percent of mothers and 78 percent of fathers plan to send their young child to Sunday school or some other kind of religious training. That’s according to Newsweek’s Karen Springen, who also found that, for many parents, raising a child who is empathetic, knows right from wrong, and attempts to follow the Golden Rule is more important than that child becoming wealthy or a president.

Parents have always made instilling moral values a priority. “But in today’s fast-paced world, where reliable role models are few and acts of violence by children are increasingly common, the quest to raise a moral child has taken on a new urgency,” says Springen.

—Karen Springen, “Raising a Moral Child,” Newsweek special issue: “Your Child” (Fall–Winter 2000)

Larson, C. B., & Ten Elshof, P. (2008). 1001 illustrations that connect (p. 298). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

You are constantly preaching the gospel to them.

You are constantly telling them how glorious and possible the gospel life is.

You are constantly training and admonishing them to live with a gospel ethic for others.

Why? So that we would see them be to the praise of the glory of God’s grace.

Conclusion:

(1) Train for God’s glory

(2) Train for Greater hatred and Greater love

(3) Instruct in the Gospel for Greater Edification of Others

*** There is no real endeavor for unity amongst God’s people if families are not unified.

Questions:

How many of you would say that you have hesitated in discipline but you did not realize that it was God’s glory at stake? Because of this your children are finding their identity in something other than Jesus Christ.

Some of you have disciplined so harshly that your child’s identity is found in compliance. Is the satisfaction you get from your child’s obedience for value of greater worth than the glory of God in your child’s obedience because of value he already has in Jesus?

Some have taught good morals but not rooted in the gospel. So, while you may have a good, moral student they have no dependence upon the Holy Spirit and full dependence upon themselves. Who gets the glory there?