Godly Dating #1

Tell story here about the first time I really tried to ask a girl out.

VIDEO-So this week Joel and I made a video and went around campus and asked college students for advice for you on dating

The whole dating scene is a cultural phenomenon that has proven very destructive. It has been around less than 100 years and the results have been skyrocketing sexual immorality, children born out of wedlock and exploding divorce rate. When you connect with someone emotionally it is usually only a matter of time before you start connecting with that person physically. This is how God designed us. When dating became popular in American culture it created an environment where you connect emotionally and physically without long-term commitment. Then when the romance died--you broke up and moved on. Then you connected with someone else until the romance died and your broke up and moved on to someone else. That is great training for divorce. The Bible knows nothing of this set up--where romance is injected into a relationship with no long-term commitment. But rather we have some strong cautions against such a practice. What have been the results of the dating phenomenon? Even if you avoid those two pitfalls, the other thing that is lost is time invested in this person that was wasted and emotional scars and regret.

There is a way that seems right to a man but it ends in the way of death.

The amazing thing about God’s Word is even though dating wasn’t a part of the Biblical culture it has incredible principles that can be directly applied to dating today. For those of us who follow Jesus, our way of dating should look different than that of the worlds.

--seek and trust in all your ways.

We want to acknowledge and trust God in all our ways including our dating lives. Though dating was unheard of in Bible times there are some timeless principles that can help us navigate dating and do it in a godly way.

Tonight we will look at Two principles from God’s word that we can apply to dating. Next week Joel and his fiance are going to share how having Godly principles affected their dating relationship and the last week we are going to talk about Sex.

Dating principles:

Every Christian can have godly dating relationships by seeking to apply these key principles.

If you follow these principles you will experience godly dating relationships.

Date a believer with a track record of following Christ. 2 cor. 6:14-17. You will marry someone you date. Frankly, I’m surprised at the number of students who make compromises here when God has been so clear.

14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. 17Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you,

Culture where everyone says they are a believer. We need to make sure they have a track record of following Christ. Are they in God’s word and spending time in prayer. Are they connected with other believers. Do they have relationships with lost people so they can win them to Christ.

Tell Heather and I’s story about how. Tell about how at a Kaleo they challenged us to taking a year to be single and I was thinking to myself i have survived 19 years another year won’t hurt. It was tough for people who had been in a lot of relationships. One of the reasons I grew a lot in College is because I spent undivided time with God which might not have happened. I was pursuing Christ whole heartedly apart from a girl.

As i was pursuing Christ apart from a girl what was really awesome is that a girl name heather Slocum was doing the same thing.

VIDEO-Share about how your old boyfriend did not have a track record for following Christ and how you broke up with them to really start pursuing Christ and how you built a track record.

Share about how you started growing in the basics of the word, prayer, evangelism and fellowship.

After I graduated college Heather already lived in Conway and she loved God and did ministry with athletes and I thought I loved the lord and did ministry with athletes. She was gorgeous. I was not gorgeous, but hey does that really matter.

Talk about how we became good friends and then she told me she was not interested because Lindsey thought I might like her.

Have high expectations. Things don’t get better usually when people are married they get worse.

2. Seek the Kingdom first- in your dating relationship. Putting the Kingdom first will bring clarity and blessing to your dating relationship like nothing else.

Ex. -The temptation is to make the relationship the focus.

-There is no better way to have an open palm on the relationship than to seek God and His Kingdom ahead of that relationship.

-If we cling to the relationship things blow up but if we hold it lightly with an open hand the Lord blesses. Which may or may not mean the relationship works out.

Ex. When I was in college I was not dating and it allowed me to seek the kingdom first.

--When a person has the Kingdom first there is a peace and confidence that is amazing.

Ex. of Tommy Nelson talking about running the race of the Christian life and making disciples and turn and see who is running beside you and grab hands.

Some of you just need to focus on running and once you start running then look beside you and see who else is running(and hope she’s pretty).

Video-Blake Video

Ex. Don’t think it can’t happen to you--EX. Several years ago there was a girl who went to Kaleo. Had a great summer--went back to campus and started laboring. She was planning to be a DGL but she had to have surgery and ended up not being able to go to Kaleo. That summer she got into a relationship with a mormon. She fell for this guy and started rationalizing his theology to friends who would question and ended up marrying this dude.When the emotions get involved we can rationalize all kinds of things. Make the commitment and stick with it.

PPt

If you don’t land strong here, it is far too easy to get involved with someone and be blinded by your emotions. - I have seen this happen over and over again.

We trust God with our eternal destiny but we sometimes struggle in trusting Him with our spouse. After receiving Jesus Christ and deciding to live for His purposes the next biggest decision you will make is who you will partner with to pursue God and the purposes of God. This decision can make or break you.

--Some of the biggest decisions made at Kaleo are those decisions to break up with someone you know isn’t helping you get to where you want to be with the Lord

If you start dating someone and their world starts revolving around you--red flag

---This is the most practical way of putting God first in your relationship.

I’m going to tell you a true story of a couple that started dating after they attended Kaleo together.

Ex. Greek couple after kaleo- no counsel started dating after kaleo. They both had big plans for ministry(he in his fraternity and she in her sorority for when they got back to campus but soon their relationship began to dominate both their schedules. They had to see each other daily- if it got to the end of the day and they hadn’t see each other he would have to go over to see her--isn’t that sweet…that’s so sweet. He didn’t have any real accountability. He still showed up for some ministry stuff but it got the left overs b/c he later admitted she was his idol. They were emotionally connected. They got physical impure and he finally confessed it and came clean. They started walking in purity for a few months but then the guy realized the relationship wasn’t from God and he broke up. He said he wasted a year of his life. And he wonders how ministry in his fraternity house could have been different if he had not got consumed with this relationship. The girl in this relationship was bitter that the relationship didn’t work out and later she started dating and then married a non-Christian. She wanted a relationship so bad she was going to do what it took to get it.

-----Contrasts----

Ex. There was another couple that went to Kaleo-colorado two years ago that did it right. Denman and Megan started dating seriously and knew marriage was a possibility but they wanted to make sure they put the kingdom first. Brian moved back into the dorm his senior year and he had three guys asking him about his purity and making sure he was seeking the kingdom first. His girlfriend Megan and her ministry partner shared the gospel last year with 123 girls in their dorm. 123 D.O.’s. They focused on God first and their ministries second. Brian and Megan got engaged last summer and married in Dec. They headed into their marriage knowing that they have made Christ the center of their relationship and God has honored it. And you know what, if the relationship wouldn’t have worked out they would be able to have no regret knowing that they honored the Lord and they didn’t waste their time b/c they were putting God and His Kingdom first.

IF WE SEEK HIS KINGDOM FIRST IN THE MIDST OF OUR RELATIONSHIP GOD WILL BLESS IT. BLESSING IT MAY MEAN THAT THE RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T WORK OUT. If it isn’t the right person then that will be a blessing.

Application

Ex. Start the list-Committed believer, laborer, there is a track record to look at.

Are you becoming the kind of person who deserves that kind of person

Ex. heather’s list of qualities--no chest hair, Have the must have section and the want to have.

casual dating

committed

serious dating,

engagement.

4. Seek the Kingdom first- in your dating relationship. Putting the Kingdom first will bring clarity and blessing to your dating relationship like nothing else.

Ex. -The temptation is to make the relationship the focus.

-There is no better way to have an open palm on the relationship than to seek God and His Kingdom ahead of that relationship.

-If we cling to the relationship things blow up but if we hold it lightly with an open hand the Lord blesses. Which may or may not mean the relationship works out.

Ex. When I was in college I was challenged not to make playing football the thing I lived for in college but to make disciples. So I started doing it and it was incredible. How I saw it work. I was scared to labor but was challenged to do it so I invited guys on the football team to a Bible study and as I sat there waiting for guys to show up for that study I started praying…what do you think I prayed…for laborers…salvations…for missionaries to be raised up for India…I actually prayed Lord please don’t let anyone show up you know I’m not ready …I’m not very good with talking to people. Fortunately God didn’t answer my prayer but guys showed up and I started my personal ministry and started sharing the gospel. I didn’t date for the first 2 ½ years of college b/c I was focusing on my master and mission.

--When a person has the Kingdom first there is a peace and confidence that is amazing.

Ex. of Tommy Nelson talking about running the race of the Christian life and making disciples and turn and see who is running beside you and grab hands.

Some of you just need to focus on running and once you start running then look beside you and see who else is running(and hope she’s pretty).

Ex. AMBER SHARES how I told her of my priorities. She shares how it was refreshing b/c it was what she was looking for and it freed her up to pursue God and ministry.

--nothing like making a girl feel special then to tell her she is 5th on the list

--most girls would be turned off by being told that they were 5th on the list but Amber was fired up. Again this was a huge attraction for me. A girl who wanted to put the Kingdom first--spiritual attractiveness.

ex. Of how we would -- limited our time together-Saw each other once a week--chicken strips and mac and cheese-Friday lunches, put our ministries first- I came with my guys and she came with her girls-we would talk- but we weren’t their for each other we were their for the Lord first and others second.

If you start dating someone and their world starts revolving around you--red flag

---This is the most practical way of putting God first in your relationship.

I’m going to tell you a true story of a couple that started dating after they attended Kaleo together.

Ex. Greek couple after kaleo- no counsel started dating after kaleo. They both had big plans for ministry(he in his fraternity and she in her sorority for when they got back to campus but soon their relationship began to dominate both their schedules. They had to see each other daily- if it got to the end of the day and they hadn’t see each other he would have to go over to see her--isn’t that sweet…that’s so sweet. He didn’t have any real accountability. He still showed up for some ministry stuff but it got the left overs b/c he later admitted she was his idol. They were emotionally connected. They got physical impure and he finally confessed it and came clean. They started walking in purity for a few months but then the guy realized the relationship wasn’t from God and he broke up. He said he wasted a year of his life. And he wonders how ministry in his fraternity house could have been different if he had not got consumed with this relationship. The girl in this relationship was bitter that the relationship didn’t work out and later she started dating and then married a non-Christian. She wanted a relationship so bad she was going to do what it took to get it.

-----Contrasts----

Ex. There was another couple that went to Kaleo-colorado two years ago that did it right. Denman and Megan started dating seriously and knew marriage was a possibility but they wanted to make sure they put the kingdom first. Brian moved back into the dorm his senior year and he had three guys asking him about his purity and making sure he was seeking the kingdom first. His girlfriend Megan and her ministry partner shared the gospel last year with 123 girls in their dorm. 123 D.O.’s. They focused on God first and their ministries second. Brian and Megan got engaged last summer and married in Dec. They headed into their marriage knowing that they have made Christ the center of their relationship and God has honored it. And you know what, if the relationship wouldn’t have worked out they would be able to have no regret knowing that they honored the Lord and they didn’t waste their time b/c they were putting God and His Kingdom first.

IF WE SEEK HIS KINGDOM FIRST IN THE MIDST OF OUR RELATIONSHIP GOD WILL BLESS IT. BLESSING IT MAY MEAN THAT THE RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T WORK OUT. If it isn’t the right person then that will be a blessing.

5. Don’t get too serious too soon- ---ppt

The one book of the Bible that God gave us to instruct us on romantic love-the song of Solomon -God warns 3 different times “Do not awaken love before its time”

This is the one that I see more Christian couple violating than any other.

The proverbs also warn against it--“Guard your heart”

What are the dangers with awakening love before its time?

Discuss with neighbor: What are dangers with getting to serious too soon?

Don’t be so eager to move from the friendship stage to dating. Once you inject romance into a relationship everything changes. The expectations, pressures, temptations--everything. You can’t ever go back.

Guard your heart verse-

ex. We wished we would have taken our relationship a little slower. Some of the benefits of not getting to serious too soon are:

- you can see the person in the friendship stage longer to see what they are really like.

-avoid purity pressures

I’m of the strong opinion that you shouldn’t move into a serious dating relationship unless you are ready for marriage in the near term (1 year).

How do you know you are ready to get serious? Are you marriageable? 3 M’s

Maturity- Master and Mission

Money- Financial situation

Mentors-what do your mentors think?

PPT. Ways to keep a relationship from getting to serious too soon:

-Tell her she’s fat

-Lose the love language Ex. We didn’t say we loved each other until we were ready to be engaged. Ie. I love you, marriage

-Guard your heart and be careful how much you share-limit the emotional connection

-Limit your time together, invest in other relationships

ex. I know a couple who just finished their freshmen year and they have been telling each other that they love each other and spend a ton of time together.

I’ve never met a couple who regretted taking it slow but I have met a lot who have regretted getting too serious too soon.

AMBER SHARES-- girls have a responsibility to guard your heart.

Ex. Kevin Little --came off Kaleo and he made a commitment not to date. That commitment is not for everyone but for Kevin and where he was in his walk with God it was what was needed. B/c he wasn’t planning on dating the friends he had that were girls he started sharing his heart with her. Things he was learning about God, hopes, dreams fears and she reciprocated. After a semester and a half of this they were emotionally connected and soon they started dating and soon the physical standards deteriorated and their relationship became impure. They were sophomores and gotten very serious very soon which led to impurity and they weren’t ready for marriage any time soon and realized they were in sin and the relationship ended with lots of pain and regret on both sides.

- Kevin didn’t guard the girls heart

- Sex begins with the emotional connection. Guard going too deep emotionally too soon.

- Ex. the couple at the stumo retreat who stayed up all night sharing their hearts with one another and they connected. If you connect emotionally with someone that doesn’t mean you are in love that just means you’ve connected emotionally.

- So be wise and have emotional standards of what you will or won’t share with someone of the opposite sex.

The standard is huge--Solomon 3:6--failure here often leads to failure in purity, seeking the Kingdom first.

It takes self control to not invest until you are ready. In our fast food, immeditate gradafication culture--people don’t want to wait for love and so they don’t.

6. Seek to date with a purpose-- Baseball diamond of dating. , ex. Of telling cory to see when he wanted to marry this girl and start dating with that in mind. Making it short and sweet. If you don’t date with a purpose--friends or I want to date but not interested in anything serious at the time. This purpose will keep you on track. Otherwise you may say and do some things that will take the relationship in a direction you don’t want to take it.

The guy needs to take some leadership.

From Baseball Diamond of dating--

Ex. take different relationships through the baseball diamond--Amber and I --Friendship stage- 2 months, committed/serious dating-18 months, then engagement- 7 months.

If we could do it over again--we would have stayed at the friendship stage for a year then 4-5 months at each of the stages.

Ex. Cory and his girl who I counseled him to shift gears so he could purpose in 6-months.

’ve counseled other guys to break off a relationship b/c they aren’t ready. EX. Kyle They don’t really have a track record themselves or the girl is a question mark or they wouldn’t be ready for marriage in a 2-3 years so it makes since not to awaken love before its time.

Ex. Sean and Kim-- Sean and Kim-5-months for all 3 phases

The best thing some of you can do for your love life is to focus on God for the next year and just build friendships with the opposite sex. You need to focus more on your master and your mission. Which phase do you feel like you can get to know who someone really is.

Some may need to break off a relationship that isn’t what it needs to be. All of you need to make sure that you have standards on who you will date, standards for purity and a commitment to get counsel and seek the kingdom first.

How the principles play out in the Baseball Diamond--

--Get counsel before you move in each stage

--Communicate where you are headed

--Keep God at the center

--Take it slow-it is always easier to speed up than slow down.

--Have your purity standards set before you start

--Friendship is the foundation at every level

Action Steps:

Will you commit to seek the Kingdom first and Seek to get serious at the right time?

Final

Exhortation:

You can trust God for a mate: The best way to trust Him is to do dating His way.

- He who believes in Him will not be disappointed.

Be wise of the timing of injecting romance into a relationship.