Engagement: Learn To Love

Engagement Advice

“Before you get married you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” - Will Ferrell

“My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good spouse, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” - Socrates

“The rule goes like this:If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” - Howard, age 8

Betrothal

Hosea 2:19–20 NIV

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea

This passage is speaking to the fall of Israel, and it gives us insight to the extent that God commits to Israel.

Despite the fact they had entered into idolatry.

Despite the bad kings, the good kings, and all the brokenness, God still takes his commitment to Israel seriously.

Baker Encyclopedia of the Bible Marriage, Marriage Customs

The betrothal had the legal status of a marriage (Dt 28:30; 2 Sm 3:14), and anyone violating a betrothed virgin would be stoned according to the law of Deuteronomy for violating his neighbor’s “wife” (Dt 22:23, 24). The meaning of a betrothal involved taking possession, in a manner similar to that of receiving tribute. Nevertheless, there remained a distinction between betrothing a woman and taking her to wife (Dt 20:7). During the period of betrothal, the prospective groom was exempt from military service. It was assumed that the

Engagement, though not having a legal element, does share certain characteristics with betrothal.

Two people deciding they are taking one another into each other exclusively.

Recognition that if the engagement period works out they want to share the rest of their lives with each other.

Point 1: Engagement is a period for exploring whether a couple is suitable for marriage.

Romance To Suitability

In dating, we are exploring whether we like each other enough to pursue the possibility of marriage.

Warm feelings, roses, excessive amounts of the feel-good hormones.

Probably 100 people on this base that you could have romantic feelings for on this base.

Nothing special about romance.

Personality types, love languages, etc...

Once we are engaged, we are asking questions about suitability for marriage, which is a different question than the question of romance.

When we decide to enter the engagement process, we should not be rushing to the altar!

Point 2: The early part of the engagement process should not include rings, wedding venues, or invitations.

Today’s Process

A guy buys a ring and asks a girl to marry him.

She says yes.

they call a pastor and set a date.

Reserve a hall.

How about this instead...

Somewhere between the dating and a ring, there should be a third party to help you evaluate whether you’re a good fit.

Full disclosure

I have yet to say no to a couple.

I’ve had two couples once we started working through the process who decided they weren’t a good fit for each other.

Key: In the early stage of the engagement process, the should be no sense of guilt if it’s decided you aren’t moving forward.

I wonder what’s it’s like to ask for the ring back.

Three Types of Suitability for early exploration

Spiritual Suitability

We should be looking for a disciple of Jesus, not a church goer.

Point 3: Marks of a Disciple

Transformed Heart

Transformed Mind

Transformed Affections

Transformed Will

Transformed Relationships

Transformed Purpose

Love Language

You Don’t Need the same Love Languages, or similar personality types, but it helps.

Point 4: Love Languages

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

Gifts

Quality Time

Sameness not absolutely necessary, but it helps

Life Ambitions Suitability

Point 5: Some people are lifestylers. Other people are homesteaders.

The Ring

If after going through these steps it works, awesome. If not, it’s OK. God has someone else for you.