Ministry and Marriage

Ministry and Marriage

Nov 1999

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Ministry & Marriage

If marriage is the foundation for ministry,

how do you build foundations in your marriage?

by Kevin N. Springer

When I was asked to write an article on marriage and young

pastors, I thought you, the readers, would wonder about my

qualifications. My wife, Suzanne, and I will soon celebrate

our 31st anniversary; we’ve been in the ministry for 29 of

these years. Just last week we wrote our last college tuition

check for our last child—we reared three in all, all now in

their twenties. We’re empty nesters, looking forward to

becoming grandparents.

Suzanne and I have spoken to hundreds of couples in Marriage

Alive! Seminars, a marriage ministry that we developed back in

1990. Many of the participants are young couples in ministry,

and their concerns, no matter what part of the world or what

denominational affiliation, are remarkably similar.

Over the years I’ve served in a variety of pastoral

positions—intern (while attending seminary), church planter

(three times; I’m a glutton for punishment), conference-center

staff, parachurch organizational staff, associate pastor, and

senior pastor. Every ministry created unique opportunities and

pressures for family life, but Suzanne and I discovered a few

core principles that, if lived out, will build marriage

harmony.

Ministry Foundations.....

How important is a harmonious home life in ministry? Paul

thinks it’s a non-negotiable: "An elder must be a man whose

life cannot be spoken against. He must be faithful to his

wife… He must manage his own family well… For if a man cannot

manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s

church?" (1 Timothy 3:2, 4-5; also see Titus 1:6-9).

I’ve seen Paul’s wisdom disregarded many times in ministry

placement, usually with disastrous results—both for the

ministry and the minister’s family. You see, the church isn’t

primarily a corporation, an organization, or an institution;

the church is a family, the family of God. And families don’t

need good managers, they need leaders with healthy marriages

and happy children.

Paul’s point is that marriage is the foundation of ministry.

The integrity of your marriage will determine the length and

strength of your ministry. Each new ministry assignment brings

with it greater pressure, more weight on your marriage, more

opportunity to expose unresolved cracks and fissures in the

foundation.

Three Foundation Builders

If marriage is the foundation for ministry, how do you build

foundations in your marriage? We’ve discovered three

foundation builders, principles on which you can build a

marriage and ministry that will last a lifetime.

1. Pray Together: First things first: Put God first in your

marriage! It seems so simple, but the pressures of

ministry—like any job—can crowd out the reason for

ministering. I chatted with a young couple the other day who

shared their experience of seven years in ministry. They had

dropped out because, "Being out seven nights a week was

destroying our marriage and damaging our kids." They weren’t

able to spend time with God together; life was a grinding

schedule of ministry.

If you aren’t living the Great Commandment in your marriage,

you aren’t living it. So, how do you put God first? Here’re a

few thoughts…

To be connected with God as a couple, you must be connected

individually. Russ Busy, who has traveled with Billy Graham

since the 1950s, says there are three reasons for why God has

used Dr. Graham: Humility, right motives, and "Billy spends

time in God’s Word—the Bible—not just to preach to others but

to understand what God has to say to him and to guide his life

by its truth." Husbands should encourage wives and wives

encourage husbands to be individually connected to God and his

word!

And, I believe you must do the same as a couple: read

Scripture together daily, cultivate hearts that hear God’s

voice, pray together, and process what God is doing in your

lives. This takes time, and unless it’s scheduled, it won’t

happen. The tyranny of the urgent always triumphs in

disorganized lives.

The best time is the time that fits best into the rhythm of

your lives. But beware: If you don’t commit and re-commit to

doing it, it won’t happen. The number one complaint I hear

from the wives of young pastors is they rarely pray with their

husbands.

One other tip: Suzanne and I try to attend a marriage

conference, seminar, or retreat every year. We always learn

something new about our marriage in a retreat environment; we

have never come away disappointed.

Ah, Romance!

2. Play Together: By playing together I mean make time for

communication, fun, and romance. For most young couples this

is best accomplished through a regular date night.

My youth pastor, Garrett Rea, is twenty-five years old.

Starting with a dozen kids he’s built our youth ministry to

100 in less than two years. He’s a busy man. His wife Sandy is

a school teacher, and they have no children. They have a

wonderful marriage. One of the reasons why is their religious

commitment to a date night. Friday is their night to play

together. Sometimes it’s a movie, other times a walk in the

park and a long, long talk.

Merely one night a week won’t cut it when it comes to play.

Vacations—not working vacations—and get-away days are

critical. When Suzanne and I were in our twenties we would

leave our children with friends and take off for two days. At

an inexpensive hotel (we didn’t have much money) we’d pray and

talk a lot, and we’d do a lot of something else.

Which leads to the other kind of critical communication for a

healthy marriage: Make sure your sex life is the best it can

be! A healthy sex life with your spouse is a fire wall against

sexual temptations. It must be frequent enough and good enough

to satisfy the needs of both of you.

If you’re struggling with sex, you’re probably struggling with

communication, intimacy, and friendship. And you’re headed for

disaster. My advice: Get some help, and get it fast.

A Promise with a Premise

3. Pay together. In other words, get your personal finances in

order. If everything is working well in your life except

finances, you’re in trouble. Satan always exploits your

weakest point, and money—along with sex—is frequently that

point.

If you want to get rich, don’t go into the ministry. Salaries

are typically marginal at best. And there’s a reason for that:

God—usually with the help of your board—wants you dependent on

him. He will perform miracles. And he promises he will

provide. But all of God’s promises come with a premise.

God’s Promise: He will meet all your needs. "My God will meet

all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ

Jesus" (Phil. 4:19). That’s an incredible verse, a slam dunk

for your money needs. But, if this promise is true, why do

some many couples—yes, even couples in ministry—have so many

needs? What’s the problem?

The answer is simple: That promise isn’t for everybody. Why?

Because it has a premise, a condition, an "if-you-do-this,

I’ll-do-that" clause from God. The premise, found earlier in

Philippians 4:14-18, may be summarized with these words: I

must first be generous to others, and I must be a good steward

of what God entrusts to me.

For young pastors this is difficult. At least it was for me

when I was in my twenties. We struggled quite a bit

financially, until we attended a financial stewardship seminar

that taught us about the blessings of tithing, saving, and

staying out of debt. Following through was a real heart check,

a time of testing our faith. We learned God’s word is true:

Where ever he guides, he provides—provided we obey his word.

Debt, unfaithfulness in tithing, living beyond your

means—these are the great destroyers of ministry. Money is the

one area, the only area, in which God challenges us to test

him. After shouting down the Jews for cheating God of his

tithes and offerings (and as a result bringing a curse on

themselves!) the Lord says through the prophet Malachi, "Bring

all the tithes into the storehouse… If you do, I will open the

windows of heaven for you.. Try it! Let me prove it to you!"

If you are struggling in this area, I encourage you to attend

a Christian financial stewardship seminar immediately. There

are many fine, biblical programs out there. Remember, though,

the longer you wait for help, the more difficult it will be to

dig out of your financial hole.

The biblical principles I’m sharing in the article are the

same principles Suzanne and I live by today. By applying them

to your marriage now, you’ll build a sure foundation for

ministry for many years to come.

Kevin N. Springer is Senior Pastor of the Desert Springs

Church in Palm Desert, California. You may reach him at

kspringer@dschurch.org

Kevin N. Springer

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