Biblical Parenting

Biblical Parenting Jon Gruss / General Better Together / Family: Parents / Deuteronomy 6:4–9; Ephesians 6:4 Notes from Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries   Common  Ground  1. Every child is a  gift  from the Lord. 2. Every parent is a  steward  of their child(ren). a. Steward = God given  responsibility  with  accountability . b. Each parent is  under  the  headship  of Christ as our creator, redeemer, and king. c. Parents are NOT the final  authority  of their children. 3. Parenting is a great opportunity for  discipleship . Common  Struggles  Having a “Parent-Centered” or “Child-Centered” home: Defining a Parent-Centered home: “When they fail to live up to your expectations, we find ourselves not grieving for them or fighting for them, but angry at them, fighting against them, and, in fact, grieving ourselves and our loss.” Paul Tripp - Age of Opportunity Elements of a Parent-Centered home: 1.  Pride  - The parent is always right or is very slow to admit one’s fault and seek forgiveness. Proverbs 16:25 ESV There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. 2.  Control  - expecting children to obey them, but the parent disobeys authority (God’s, etc.). 3.  Hypocritical  - expecting children to behave one way, but justifying one’s own behavior. 4.  Busy  - neglecting to get any time with each child. 5.  Inconsistency  - enforcing rules and corrections one day, but not the next. Proverbs 20:6 ESV Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find? 6.  Self - Centered  - all decisions and choices are totally based on the parent and his or her wishes. 7.  Impatience  - the idea that “I want my child to do RIGHT NOW! 8.  Expectations  - the child has to be, do, and become everything the parents expect of them. 9.  Idolatry  - parents making the desires of their heart more important than pleasing God. Exodus 20:3 ESV “You shall have no other gods before me. a. What are some possible “idols of the heart” for parents? i.  comfort  ii.  respect  iii.  appreciation  iv.  success  (spiritual, educational, athletic, occupational) v.  control  b. How do you know when something is an idol of your heart? i. How do you  respond  when you don’t get what you want? ii. Are you willing to  sin  in order to get what you want? Defining a Child-Centered home: “A child-centered home is one in which a child believes and is allowed to behave as though the entire household, parents, siblings, and even pets exist for one purpose = to please them.” Lou Priolo - The Heart of Anger Elements of a Child-Centered home: 1. No  Consequences  - a child clearly sins and the parent allows them to get away with it. 2.  Manipulation  - a child reacts in anger, clams-up, or cries to get what they want. 3.  Selfishness  - the child gets whatever they want (it’s all about them, not others). 4.  Demanding  - the child insists that things be done their way and when they want. 5.  Priorities  - the child becomes more important than one’s spouse. 6.  Responsibilities  - the child has no responsibilities (parents do it all for the child). 7.  Communication  - the child tells the parent what to do as if the child is equal or in charge. 8. Never  Offended  - the parents do all they can to not offend their child. Elements of more severe parent/child-centered homes: 1. Abusive situations: physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. 2. Step-family issues (as a result of divorce or sexual involvement prior to marriage) 3. Drug and/or alcohol abuse by the child 4. Suicidal children 5. Sexual problems (internet, actual sexual relations, and other sexual disorders) 6. Legal violations by the parent and/or the children Common  Solution  Having a “God-Centered” home: • The characteristics of a God-centered home Definition of a God-Centered home: “The concept of a God-centered home is derived from the biblical principle that the purpose of every Christian is to glorify God. In contrast to a child-centered home, where pleasing and serving the child is the dominant theme, the God-centered home is one in which everyone is committed to pleasing in serving God. God's desires are exalted over everyone else's. Everyone in the family may be expected to sacrifice personal pleasure if God’s will requires it. This philosophy teaches children to serve rather than to be served, to honor rather then be honored, to give or be loving rather than take.” Lou Priolo - The Heart of Anger Elements of a God-Centered home: 1.  Truth Observing  - the source of truth (inspired and sufficient Word of God). 2 Timothy 3:15–16 ESV and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, Hebrews 4:12 ESV For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 2.  Worship Giving  - loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and loving others. Matthew 22:37–39 ESV And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 3.  Gospel Proclaiming  - who Christ is and who you are in Christ. John 3:16 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. Romans 1:16 ESV For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 4.  Heart Transforming  - dealing with issues of the heart, not simply outward behavior. Matthew 15:19 ESV For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. 5.  God Glorifying   - by thinking and acting like Christ. Matthew 3:17 ESV and behold, a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Philippians 2:5 ESV Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, Colossians 1:16 ESV For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. Results of a God-Centered home 1. Right view of  self . 2. Right view of  others . a.  love  them b.  serve  them Common  Steps  Moving Toward a “God-Centered” home: • There is  hope  for parents because God has revealed many truths about parenting. 2 Timothy 3:16–17 ESV All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. 2 Peter 1:3 ESV His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, • Parents should seek to bring glory to God by fulfilling the  mission  to which God has called them. Deuteronomy 6:6–8 ESV And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. Ephesians 6:4 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Common Struggles Common Solution Common Steps - application 1 God has given the  responsibility  particularly to the fathers • A  wife  and  mother  play an important part in the process of parenting. Proverbs 1:8 ESV Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, Proverbs 6:20 ESV My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. • We should be  sensitive  to single moms or single dads who do this on their own. a.  Pray  for them and their children. b.  Mentor  their children (individual men/women connected to each child). c.  Encourage  them and their children on a regular basis.  Obey  God's command of “… do not provoke your children to  anger ” 1. This command  does   not  mean a parent is to never oppose, deny, cross, or upset the child. 1 Kings 1:6 ESV His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” He was also a very handsome man, and he was born next after Absalom. 1 Samuel 3:13 ESV And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. 2. This command  does  imply a child is not to be brought up in any angry, impulsive lifestyle. Proverbs 25:28 ESV A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. 3. There are examples of how a child's sinful anger might be expressed. a. Anger can take the form of open  rebellion  against any authority. b. Anger can take the form of  stubbornness , passive  resentment , apathy, indifference, halfhearted performance and/or silence. 4. There are several ways a parent can  avoid  provoking their children to anger. a. Make sure there is no  tension  between the parents (solve problems biblically). b. Control your  anger  and avoid abusive words, tones, and abusive correction. c. Build  involvement  with and give  attention  to the child (develop godly relationships). d.  Edify  the child (avoid being overly critical). e. Be a good  listener  and  communicator  (don't answer a matter before you hear it). f. Understand that not every thought or action is  sin , or a  major  issue in life. g. Help the child understand the  difference  between Scripture and house rules. h. Avoid having  too   many  rules and always  changing  the rules.  Obey  God's command to “…bring them up in the  instruction  of the Lord” 1. Parents need to realize that if they don't  teach  their children, then somebody will! Proverbs 1:1–4 ESV The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel: To know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, to receive instruction in wise dealing, in righteousness, justice, and equity; to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth— 2. Parents need to provide biblical  instruction  to their children. Psalm 119:9–11 ESV How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. • To value  truth  1 Timothy 2:4 ESV who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. a.  Commands  1 John 2:15–17 ESV Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. b.  Wisdom  Proverbs 2:6–13 ESV For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you, delivering you from the way of evil, from men of perverted speech, who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness, c.  Boundaries  Romans 13:14 ESV But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. 1 Corinthians 8:13 ESV Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble. d.  Results  Psalm 1:1–3 ESV Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. Matthew 6:33 ESV But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Galatians 6:8 ESV For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. • To  love  the Lord Deuteronomy 6:5 ESV You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. John 14:15 ESV “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. • To  worship  the Lord Psalm 96:9 ESV Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness; tremble before him, all the earth! • To  glorify  God 1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. • To accept, appreciate, and proclaim the  Gospel  Judges 2:10 ESV And all that generation also were gathered to their fathers. And there arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord or the work that he had done for Israel. Romans 1:16 ESV For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. • To understand the  heart  of man Psalm 139:23 ESV Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! Jeremiah 17:9 ESV The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Matthew 15:19 ESV For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. 3. Parents need to take advantage of the many  occasions  of teaching a child. a.  Special  circumstances, events and times Joshua 4:5–7 ESV And Joshua said to them, “Pass on before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.” b.  Daily  life situations: i. Response to  authority  ii. Being a  servant  versus being selfish iii. Handling  temptations  iv. Developing a  work   ethic  v. Controlling the  tongue  vi. Controlling one's  thoughts  vii. Learning to  love  others viii. Committed to a  local   church  ix. Using one's  spiritual   gifts  x. Living and proclaiming the  gospel  4. Parents need to use a variety of  methods  in teaching each child. a.  Questions  and  answers  Joshua 4:6–7 ESV that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.” b.  Formal  teaching during your family time c.  Informal  times Deuteronomy 6:6–8 ESV And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. d. Parents need to be an  example  of Christ to each child Philippians 4:9 ESV What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. Common  Correction  Reinforcing a “God-Centered” home: • Today’s Culture 2 Timothy 3:1–5 ESV 1 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. • Strategic Encouragement in Today’s Culture 2 Timothy 3:14–17 ESV 14 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it 15 and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.  Obey  God's command to “…bring them up in the  DISCIPLINE  and instruction of the Lord” Ephesians 6:4 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. 1. This phrase refers to the  upbringing , training and instruction of a child, particularly by act, discipline and correction. 2. It involves providing boundaries for a child and penalties for going  beyond  the boundaries. 3. The goals are  character  development and  equipping  for life in a world full of boundaries. 4. God uses this kind of  training  with his children. Hebrews 12:5–11 ESV 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Genesis 2 1 Corinthians 11:30–32 ESV 30 That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. 31 But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. 32 But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world. 5. God  prescribes  this kind of training for our children. Proverbs 13:24 ESV 24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Proverbs 19:15 ESV 15 Slothfulness casts into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger. Proverbs 22:6 ESV 6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:15 ESV 15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. Proverbs 23:13–14 ESV 13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14 If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. Proverbs 29:15–17 ESV 15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. 16 When the wicked increase, transgression increases, but the righteous will look upon their downfall. 17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. 6. Parents  promote  a well-disciplined lifestyle and at least four ways: a.  Modeling  1 Thessalonians 1:5–6 ESV 5 because our gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction. You know what kind of men we proved to be among you for your sake. 6 And you became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, Philippians 4:9 ESV 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. b.  Training  1 Timothy 4:7–8 ESV 7 Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; 8 for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. Hebrews 5:14 ESV 14 But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. c.  Motivation  1 Thessalonians 2:11–12 ESV 11 For you know how, like a father with his children, 12 we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory. d.  Chastising  Hebrews 12:6 ESV For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Proverbs 13:24 ESV 24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. 7. Kinds of corrective discipline? a. Logical  consequences  2 Thessalonians 3:10 ESV 10 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. b. Experience the  fruit  of sin Galatians 6:7 ESV 7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. c. Additional  work  Psalm 107:10-22 Genesis 3 d. Loss of  privileges  and rewards Deuteronomy 28 e.  Rod  of man 2 Samuel 7:14 ESV 14 I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son. When he commits iniquity, I will discipline him with the rod of men, with the stripes of the sons of men, Romans 13:3–4 ESV 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, 4 for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. •  Corporal  punishment = used when the child is deliberately defiant or disobedient Practical suggestions on the use of the Rod. Parental communication should happen prior to any discipline while none is needed and agreement should be reached so that discipline can be applied in unity with one another. 1. Give  clear  instructions beforehand;  eye  contact is important. 2.  One  warning only (clearly and do not count). They should never think that there is a protected zone for the parent is unable to control their behavior. 3. Discipline the child  alone . Establish  personal  responsibility. (e.g. ask, “what did you do? What should you have done? Who were you trying to please? What does God call what you did?”). 4.  Explain  the  spiritual  issues involved. Be sure they know your determination to be  biblical . 5. Express  personal   grief . The  stronger  you need to discipline, the  stronger  you need to express love for the child and concern for their future. 6. Use a  neutral  object and spank until they cry softly and  repentantly . a. A  rebellious  scream or fighting will be cause for  additional  discipline. b. Use enough force and swats to  accomplish  training. 7. The  same  parent who disciplines should also  comfort  later and use the time to  teach . 8. Help the child  clear  his  conscience  with  God  and appropriate  people . 9.  Evaluate  later. Seek  forgiveness  when you have disciplined  improperly . 10.  Do   not  use corporal punishment in a public setting.  Hebrews 12:5–13 ESV 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Resources • Tripp, Ted. Shepherding A Child’s Heart. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1995. • Baucham Jr., Voddie. Family Driven Faith. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2007. • Stinson, Randy, and Timothy Paul Jones. Trained in the Fear of God. Grand Rapids: Kregel Academic. 2011 • Wright, Steve, with Chris Graves. Apparent Privilege. Wake Forest, NC. Inquest Ministries, Inc. 2008 Page 12. Exported from Logos Bible Software, 11:32 AM May 12, 2018.